How can I let go without the guilt? -

How can I let go without the guilt?


I've been caring for my roommates (ex gf) mom now for 11 months and not working. I lost my job (job eliminated) effec. 2/1/2013. I told my roommate I would help her in Feb. 2013 get things worked out after her stepdad passed. I'm still here! I have exhausted nearly all of my savings. ( I'm 52 yrs old). For the first 7 months I was traveling back to where I live a couple of times a month to help my roommate. Other than that I have been with her mom 1 1/2 hrs away pretty much 24/7. If I need to bring in a caregiver so I can leave I am expected to pay for it. I pay for all her housing upkeep and groceries as well. Her mom is 76 yrs old, disabled (can't walk) and has dementia. She needs 24/7 care. Her daughter (me ex gf/gf) was only visiting her mom an average of 5 days a month until the middle of Sept. and now is there as often as I am. Her daughter has not been doing the things she needs to in order for her mom to be taken care of properly. I had everything set up for her, she just needed to follow thru. I feel sorry for both of them but at wits end. Her daughter has ADHD and is in chronic pain with her back and a condition diagnosed as a form of Vulvydinia. I don't feel like she is doing everything she can to help herself, little alone her mom. She starts therapy, then quits. Things the Dr tells her to do, she doesn't do. Her only solution so far has been pain pills(a bunch!) she may be using them for the pain but I think is using them to escape resposibility as well. I've talked to local social services as well to see if they could lend ger guidance but she doesn't take their calls or return them. Everything she attempts to do she drops the ball and procrastinates until the last second. I feel sorry for them but feel as if I have been taken advantage of as well as taken for granted. I want my life back! I don't feel it's my responsibilty. I'm ready to just walk and let nature take its course. I need to rebuild my life and start working again. Thoughts? Am I wrong?

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Let me add - they will survive without you. Not one of us is indispensable. If any of us were run over by a bus today, the ones we care for would still be cared for by someone. Be assured of that.
Helpful Answer (1)

scampbell - No, you are not wrong, and you were not wrong when you came on here with a similar question quite a few months ago after you had turned down a couple of job offers because you felt you had to stay. People who answered then gave pretty well the same advice you are getting now - which is to get on with your own life, after advising the authorities that you are leaving, get a job and look after your own future.

I am wondering why, since you have come back with the same question after about 8 months, you didn't act on the advice then. Maybe we can help you more if we know why you are still there.

Truly you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty and you are being taken advantage of - but that takes two. You are allowing it. If you are having so much trouble with guilt, going for counselling to get your own life back in order would help.

I agree, make the phone call, tell them you are leaving on such and such a date, pack your bags and go, get on with your own life.
Helpful Answer (3)

If Medicare or Medicaid will cover her home care services, you can contact a home care agency and they will employ you if they are able to take her as a client and bill Medicare or Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (2)

You have been taken advantage of as well as taken for granted. Get your life back! It is not your responsibility.

Leave. But before you do, continue your generous and compassionate behavior for one final task. Inform the local social services people you have talked to that you will be leaving. It doesn't seem as if her daughter can provide what Mom needs. It would be responsible and kind of you to make sure the professionals know this.
Helpful Answer (2)

You have done more than your part, and when you say "not working", we know you certainly are working and very hard. Get a job and get out. Let social services know the date you a leaving and GO! Your generous heart may be enabling a drug addict to avoid reality and responsibility. Perhaps they both need guardians or social workers. You cannot be expected to carry this double burden. You need to save your own life first, by moving on.
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