Follow
Share

the good bad and ugly... in 08 my dad had a stroke, massive he had lay in his own vomit and urine for 3 days before I found him. I had been calling his work and asking of they could tell him to call me. Monday tues and wed I went by his house doors locked and phone off the hook which really wasn't unusual since he was on dial-up and had a habit of leaving the computer online. but something was bothering me... he liked to be left alone but there was something off. Thrusday morning I was dropping my daughter off, she was going to clean his house and stay there during the day. still locked door and there were papers still piled up on the porch... I turned around to take my daughter back to the car and called his work AGAIN! demanding to talk to his boss, "no hasn't been in all week, called in vacation mon and tue and no show on wed" WTF!! I"ve been calling and his coworkers said he was "around somewhere" did a Uturn on a bridge and sped back to dad's calling my brother "get to dads now" we broke in the back door and found him, my brother started dry heaving and panicking, my daughter got me a cloth to get the vomit out of his mouth and nose... CALL 911!! bro still just stood there dry heaving ... by 17 year old daughter had to do it. I'm barking out stats and findings. Dad was in CCU for 1 month and 3 in recovery/therapy. My bro sis and I never talked about it. They had their families and I had work and mine, but when it came time for him to leave hospital, they wanting nothing to do with it, sis wanted to put him in a home and brother didn't have much of an opinion that he spoke of. dad wanted to go home, he missed his dogs and just wanted to be home. I lived alone, I had an apt. I could move in and he could have his home and a caregiver at night. My son asked if he could do his therapy and stuff during the day, while I worked. sure dad said. WELL this started the slide... brother and sister said I had manipulated dad into taking me in so I didn't have to pay rent and could live in his home. a year later they demanded I move out and stop abusing Dad. ( cleaning, cooking, working 60 hrs a week, sleeping little because night is when dad's brain starts short circuiting = abuse) So I moved out. Bro was going to take over at dads and sister was going to... well do nothing. I was pissed so I stopped helping too. Son had moved on to a different job. Daughter was working full time too. Bro went 2-3 times a week to pick up the house shop and clean up after dad who drove to sonic 3-4 times a day for burgers and cokes and left all the trash out where his dogs got it and tore it up everywhere... he started pooping his pants and leaving those down where dogs could feast too, and piling them in the bathroom sink when he felt like it... he became totally incontinent and increasingly irritated with everything, stopped paying bills and so bro stopped going by. it was too much. a year of this and I found out I had stage 3 liver fibrosis, and cervical cancer. I wasn't going to be able to keep working as much. So I asked dad if I "could" move back in again. I'll help around the house and I can not have to worry about rent? OMG bro and sis had a FIT!!! they haven't talked to me ... they've talked ABOUT me and how I'm using dad and abusing dad and manipulating my way into this lush lifestyle of dementia and poo... Dad is clean now house is mostly clean now though I'm not Martha Stewart there is nothing gross in the sink anymore and the dogs don't tear up everything. He eats home cooked meals and no more driving, he takes his meds everyday and is as healthy as he can be. I on the other hand have not been able to get treatment for either of my conditions and honestly ... I don't want to. My family doesn't talk to me, my friends don't call I can't leave him alone because he goes bonkers and tries to fight the alligators and men with guns he sees all over the house, I haven't been laid in so long I think I've sealed shut... tmi? I used to be cute and vivacious... now I wear sweats and pony-tails. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I lost my job and family and friends. I do however have my cats.... yippee... crazy cat lady? just two, don't picture me covered in them. I'm broken and have no idea how to fix me.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
i ran off a friend about a year ago. she was the kind who shows up at christmas and birthdays but refuses to help when your in need. i asked her to do something with my mother every now and then and she refused. at christmas time here she came bearing gifts. i never came out of my room to visit when she came over. i didnt need a friggin door stop ( banana bread ) , dont need fragrant soaps, i needed some female companionship for my mom. people suck.
i think you should light into bro and sis and let them experience some of that high life that theyre accusing you of living. if they refuse to help, toss them out of your life forever. if my ex friend pulls that saint nick crap this year ill calmly prop my flat shovel under the doorknob and ignore her.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I don't know what it is about family caregivers actually getting a free room that bothers people so much. If we were professionals, we would get room board and a good wage. As family we're expected to pay our way and have people act like having a room is an alms given to a beggar. I suspect that a lot of this covers up a feeling of personal guilt on the part of family not involved. Their thinking -- I'm glad Sis is taking care of Mom, then at least Sis gets a room out of it, then finally Sis is a freeloader who needs to be paying rent. My family hasn't done that, but I've seen it happen for other people. Sometimes I wonder how people with this type family can have enough self esteem to go out in the world again. Freeloaders, hmph!

My mother has gotten in her mind the last month that she took me in because I had no where to go. She denies she ever asked me to come, and said I have never been needed. This really smarts, and I have to walk off and remember that my mother is not mentally right -- never has been. I am sure she believes the story she has invented for the same reason I mentioned above -- reducing the guilt she would feel. Sometimes I think a huge, huge role of a caregiver is to be the target of the family guilt. The family can juggle the reality in a way to make themselves feel better at the cost of the caregiver. The trick is to let those juggled realities bounce off of us and not affect the way we feel about ourselves. Easier said than done!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Merry Christmas to everyone out there. I have great news!! last night before going to my sister's house for dinner, my father asked me if I wanted HIM to talk to my brother and sister about being "mean" to me. At first I said no this is my battle... but then I thought a minute. I want you to say to them what YOU want to say to them... if you feel they are being neglectful then tell them, but don't bring ME into it. I want them to be here for their love for YOU, I have been hurt beyond repair by them. I will accept apologies when/if they are sincere and from them realizing they are the one's in the wrong. Not because our father told them to. It doesn't mean anything if they do it just to "save Christmas". So if you do, do it for you." So Brother dropped by picked dad up ( I subtly handed him a bag of spare clothing and briefs so if dad messes himself they have no excuse to NOT change him this time) I went on baking bread at home and eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Hours later Dad came back happy as a clam, they walked him in (at first ignoring me) I chatted and asked questions and dragged them into conversation. They gave me a gift I wasn't there to open. thank you. I gave them the tub of laundry soap I had made (its awesome and easy if y'all wanna try it CHEAP and lasts for months!!) in a nice glass container with a ribbon even. but the big part was later... I was wrapping kids gifts and dad shuffled into the kitchen asking what I was doing? I told him and he sat at the table and asked me if I was happy here... !!!! I said no not really. are you? YES he said... I love this arrangement I love htat you cook for me and clean thehouse and I love that you take care of me. I am much happier here than I would be at a home.... (I'm bawling even now.)
I asked him if he had talked to Tane (pronounced tawny) and Steve (bro and sis) about the lawyer stuff, he said no I trust you with that , the legal and the medical POW....!!!!!!! .... HOLY COW! I nearly fell out of my chair. the conversation fell into him asking me to make more beans cuz he likes them... but
HOLY COW!!!! that was the best gift I could have gotten! I am in shock. I didn't pry into what was said or if he just pondered what I had said before he left. I am accepting this wonderful moment as my own Christmas Miracle!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

What Captain said !!! I don't know why we think we have to put up with abuse from family... I don't... they don't speak to me... that's a good thing, leaves room in my life for people that matter..
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Yup, the free room and board is such a huge issue here as well. I have a home that I am struggling to keep that I have not spent time there in more than a year. I would be there working a good paying job if I was not needed here. Free board?1 I do all the shopping, cooking, menu planning, washing dishes, and even buy all the food! These siblings that think you should be paying room and board are nothing but money grubbing mongers whose only concern is what is left for them after parent pass. Yes, I believe it is as simple as that!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

the " friend " i mentioned earlier told me once i should be paying half at my moms house. yea, smartmouthed little prick. i finally wrote and told her she should vacate her home and move in to care for her dad and pay half his bills while your there. shes lived in a free cabin on her dads place for 40 years and the financial benefits from that have made her pretty smug and all knowing.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I just had Dad call my sister to see if HE is invited to Christmas dinner... why did I do that? They should call him and ask him if he wants to come, right? I think they should come and get him showered and dressed too since I'm not invited and I'll have to do it. At Thanksgiving they came by and got him ...he messed himself during dinner so they packed him up and dropped him at the front door for me to clean up during MY dinner with my guests. GRRRRRRR....coal, I want them to get coal in their stockings, but I want it lit first.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Overwhelm, I have an opinion and you may not like it. Your mother has no right to treat you like this, dumping her self pity all over you and making it your problem. I'm sick so you are supposed to stay miserable and isolated, even though it will not make me happy? I'm sick and therefore have a right to drain your entire life away from you, even though it will not make me well? What kind of logic is that that mom and hubby obviously subscribe to? They get away with it because you are there, they have been able to manipulate you into buying it hook line and sinker, and you are letting them get away with it. You have a right to talk to your cousin on the phone and if no time or energy is "allowed" you to tend to your marriage and your own self, you are blessed to still have a husband. You can try to talk to her lazy ass husband who just takes whatever she says at face value and does nothing to help her or himself, and explain you would love to help but are not going to put up with all kinds of restrictions and tolerate being accused of things that are completely unfair, and you are going to leave altogether unless boundaries are set. But I suspect you are going to need to leave. You give full time care and get nothing but criticism for not doing it faster, better, more thoroughly and exclusively.

I supposed I am exhibiting a little impatience with your mother's brand of "Christianity" which as a Catholic convert, I cannot help but view as pretty much complete bull. "Dance with those who dance, mourn with those who mourn", and be "in the world though not of it" constitute pretty firm directions not to refuse to participate in life with those who do not share your every interpretation of everything. But that said, maybe that church runs a care home of some sort she could apply to, and frankly with her poor memory and presumably increasing care needs, I don't see that as any tragedy. The siblings are quite possibly doing the right thing by refusing to "cater to" (I read "enable") this situation. I am sorry it has taken this long for you to realize how unreasonable this situation is and how YOU are not the one doing wrong.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

YP, it is important that we all establish boundaries, the line in the sand, so to speak that we know when enough is enough. That line for me is what you are now dealing with. And those lines often move as we make adjustments to new occurences that become increased levels of difficulty.

It sounds as if it is time to place him. You have done so much for him, and on some level he knows that. It sounds as if you have reached the limit, it is time. And I know how hard it will be to do. I think all of us go into this hoping that something takes them before we get to the point you are.

Vent and vent away and take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

YOU are not broken just because you don't have time or occasion to spiff yourself up into your usual cuteness and vivacity or whatever. The people who were willing to leave your dad without care he desperately needs, and unwiling to see the sad situation for what it is, are the ones who are broken.

YOU are now a caregiver. The rest of the sorry lot are just sorry. And someday some of them may wake up and feel sorry, or they will just always be broken human beings without a clue for the rest of their lives. God forgive them, and God will understand if you have a hard time with that part. You, though, will not be a caregiver for the rest of your life...unless you neglect that cervical cancer too long and it spreads, or you progress to liver failure. (Nevermind the lover failure that I just typed and had to correct...that's a real issue too, but not quite as immediately life-threatening...)

Well, you and your Dad have some blessings to count, while the siblings have weaknesses to count, based on the realities that they can't deal with but you can. Unfair and sucks eggs, but you are the one who chose the high road. Ponytails and sweats are fine for trekking on rough terrain, anything else would be overdressed for the occasion. And BTW, most reliable sources indicate that crazy cat ladyhood begins at four or more. Meowy Christmas and a better New Year to all of you!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.