I'm losing it. I have no where to turn for help. I'm 24 and have been taking care of my 56 year old mom for a few years now. She is housebound due to severe arthritis and ulcerative colitis. I have never had a job or gone to college, because I've had to stay home to take care of her. I don't have friends and rarely leave the house except to go grocery shopping.
On top of taking care of her, I have to deal with my own issues. I have depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and OCD. It's tiring enough taking care of myself, let alone another person. I've been sober and free of self-harm for 5 months now, but I still deal with suicidal thoughts. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I don't think I'd have the courage to keep going.
Being a caregiver for so long is really taking a toll on me. Resentment has crept up on me, and I feel angry whenever I'm around my mom. I'm ashamed to admit that I lose it sometimes and yell at her, even for the smallest things. I try to be patient and understanding, but I'm not doing a very good job, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that.
I can't even list all of the reasons why I feel so resentful. I just feel like my whole life has been stolen. I'm only 24, and I'm doing things that no one my age can understand. I should be finished with college by now and moving onto other things; not calling 911 for the 5th time because my mom has fallen or emptying her bedside commode or being woken up at 3am because she's hungry.
We have no family or family friends to help me out. I've talked to nurses, called in-home care places, called everyone I can think of/everyone that has been suggested, but she just doesn't qualify or we can't afford the extra help.
As for me, I'd love to be in therapy again, but we can't afford that either; not even sliding scale payments. I've been searching for over a year, trying to find a way to get back in therapy, but it's just not doable right now. I'm treating my problems via self-help books instead.
How do I stay sane? How do I keep this resentment from eating me up? I don't want this to ruin my relationship that I have with her. I love her. I just hate these illnesses, and I'm wrongly taking my anger and frustration over these illnesses out on her. What can I do? Any advice at all is really appreciated.