Just need to vent, please don’t judge.

Leave sibs there with dad and treat yourself to your favorite restaurant. Make sure you leave out instructions on preparing mush.😉

I heard a saying "we teach others how to treat us"
Learn to set boundaries and learn what feels right to you.
Learn what your needs are to be effective in the role/job you have caring for your Dad.
Learn to put yourself first so you have the energy and ability to do the job you have to do for your dad.
One learns by doing and by learning to feel worth it (self-esteem).
If you need a therapist to get through and gain support, get it (or join a support group). Taking care of yourself is primary and learning to set boundaries so you do not allow others to make you a target of their behavior and/or lack of sensitivity.

Since they invited themselves to visit Dad on Father's Day they are responsible to bring the food. And since you're the one with Dad every day this would be a good opportunity for you to take a break. Once they get there tell them you'll be back in a few hours. Go do something you like to do. Just sitting in a coffee shop or a park with a good book.
Forget about what your siblings think. I struggle with this also.

I would stay as far way from your family as possible. You have enough taking care of your Dad. He may have to go into a home one day, do you have authority to put him there? Seems like they are trying to make you feel guilty about that and since they aren't taking care of him they don't have the right.

Toller, your sibs are a bunch of clods. I agree with all who say don’t clean and don’t tidy — let them walk into what a day with Dad is really like.

And no food prep! When they show up empty-handed, tell them it's pizza or fried chicken or Chinese or whatever. Their choice. Then direct them to the takeout menu, phone/website and Google Maps to go pick it up.

I feel for you, Toller. My sig-others’ sibs are a lot like yours. Different hot buttons, but same end result. We only hear from them when they “need” something. (What they NEED is new personalities and a one-way ticket to someplace far, far away!)

I’m in the “leave when they arrive” camp. I would also leave a list of the mushy foods he can eat, hiding everything else that they may want to have themselves. Especially the wine.  Show them where the Depends, etc. are for the inevitable accident.  Oh, and write up his daily schedule if you have time.

I agree with the others. Leave when they arrive so they can spend time with dad. They need a wake up call.

It I were you: They can call ahead to the local gourmet grocery store and pre-order a party dish and few sides, then they drive 15-minutes out of their way to pick up and bring in with them. Or you call in the order and have them pick-up on their way in.

You provide utensils and beverages.

With the internet, Google, and GPS while driving, this is a no-brainier for them. And you should expect them to pay with your impending joblessness and possible financial squeeze in the interim.

Leave as soon as the first one arrives and spend a day by yourself - pamper yourself!! Hide the wine though!

Oh, my first thought was...... as soon as they come in, do all your "hi's" and hugs, find out how long they plan to stay, and then dash out the door for your own "day on your own"....... maybe church, out to eat, afternoon movie..... a walk at your park, reading a book...... something for you! And they can have the quality time with their dad, that you have 24/7 :). By the way, that's also my second, third, and fourth thought!!!

I can totally relate to your very rough situation. I went through very similar struggles with my own siblings when I was living with and caring for my mother who had Alzheimer's. It's so easy (and so rotten) for your siblings to criticize and take you for granted. Meanwhile, they don't have a clue, because they are not in the trenches with the day-to-day responsibilities and frustrations that you have. Shame on them. And well done on you for taking such good care of your dad. My mother died more than 20 years ago. But I can tell you that I am the only sibling that rests well knowing that I did everything I could for her. And as much as I wanted to pull my hair out EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the end I was glad (and still am) that I was able to do what I did for my mom. Just please remember to take care of yourself. You need respite. And thank you for taking such wonderful care of your beloved father. Apparently your siblings won't thank you, so I'm thanking you. Your daddy is VERY lucky to have a kid like you.

Make what you usually make for lunch or dinner.
After lunch or dinner say you have to run out for a bit
LEAVE them with Dad, go talk a walk, go for a drive, go get an ice cream but get away for a bit for yourself. Not saying this will give them an idea what you deal with but as long as you have 3 "knowledgeable" "got the solution" siblings all there at one time I am sure they can take care of things for an hour or two. Just make sure they know where the briefs, or pull ups are a well as any gloves, ointments that they will need.

Your family is pathetic. So many good answers and support. Hope you have a great Father’s Day regardless. For Mother’s Day, my sister travelled from her home in Georgia to a town less than 40 miles from us then posted it on FB for everyone including Mom to see. I’m sure she was very hurt by this but, we gave her a good Mother’s Day alone.

Every day is Father’s Day in your world and your siblings should be able to understand that. While your siblings are visiting your Dad, you should leave the house and take a day off. Maybe they will get the message. As for feeding them, leave a menu for a local restaurant that delivers. YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

Live your life as you would if they were not there. I would not rearrange or change a thIng and if anyone adds their 2 cents I would say welcome to my world.

Hi there!

I’m so PO’d by this I’m almost in tears! No matter how many times I come here & read these posts I know I’ll never truly understand how or why some people treat their “loved ones” the way they do or ignore them like they do. Anyway, this is the place to vent & if anyone judges you poorly for the way you feel then I’d be willing to bet they aren’t a carer.

The suggestion to feed them what your dad eats was fantastic and I would do it. Seriously, I’d have no qualms about doing that. Some folks need to have their eyes opened!!

But that aside, what do y’all think about (strongly) encouraging non- helpful, non-involved, critical sibs or other family members to join this forum? Do you think they would? Do you think they’d get an idea of what it’s like to be a carer? This website has helped me out tremendously and I think I might suggest to my family to join. I’ll have to change my screen name cause they know this one...or maybe not! Maybe my sister ought to read what I’ve written about her & the comments I’ve gotten back!

Well, best of luck...I sure do sympathize w/you!

Let us know how Father’s Day went. We are with you here. I truly think like others suggested you need to get some respite and time away. Call your siblings and tell them when you’re going even if it’s just a weekend at a local hotel, and when they need to come and stay. I also agree with making the list of what you go through and handing it to them. They haven’t a clue and this will open their eyes. But don’t give it to them until they arrive and you leave!

Hey, at least you vented to your sister on the phone and didn't hold it in. So now you get perfectly calm. Don't you dare clean the house or do anything special before they get there. Do whatever you do any other day of the week for you and your dad. When they walk in, tell them if they're hungry, they can order something and go pick it up. Sis can set the table while you sit and visit with whoever else comes. Let them all see how it really is for you and dad. Holidays these days are just another day of the week for mom and I. My kin don't even call anymore, let alone visit mom in the NH. It was the same when I had her at my house before the NH. And frankly at this point, I'm fine with it.

OMG! Do you need a hug! You are an absolute angel and your siblings are slugs.

Let them come for Father's Day - and let them go out and bring in some "take out" so you can enjoy the day too! Tell them, Your kitchen is closed and if they want to eat, they need to bring enough for everyone.

Vent away. You deserve to and need to have a safe place for the unbelievable frustration in your situation. Your siblings,sorry, I agree with others are living in la la land. Spending a day alone with dad would wake them up. Was he a "nice dad" when he was younger. I have to ask...My days are 100 percent attention to an 83 year old mother,lifelong narcissist. It definitely increases the resentment when the parental empathy was never there. Please take care of yourself, however you can.

Tollermama, vent away, but Imma judge your sister. What a PITA. Jeez, I'd think
about locking up and putting up a sign "Gone to Jamaica!" Good luck tomorrow
Maybe you should take notes, your sis sounds like the perfect combo of theatically
selfish and demanding. Sounds like a script for a dysfunctional family drama

Tollermama1, I am so glad that you feel that you can express yourself on Facebook when you are feeling sad or down. I haven’t learned to do that yet since I am the one who has to be strong (due to my profession: semi-retired nurse). What good friends you have that they are willing to drive to see if you are okay. Are you feeling better?
Good for you that you are “letting” your siblings fend for themselves on Father’s Day. Continue to take care of yourself.

P.S. Let us know how tomorrow goes when your sibs arrive and you don't have a party all set up for them. {{{HUGS}}}

Tollermama1 I would make a detailed log of your daily routine with your dad's care needs. Next to each act include a price/bill. Include what you need to do to care for yourself. Include billing, meds, shopping needs,meals, dressing, laundry,bathing,etc. For both of you. Include bad episodes, difficulties, especially family obstacles and non participation. Then research the cost of care in the vet home. Present her with. Facts.

Vent away!!!! I agree with whoever suggested serving food your Dad can eat---mashed potatoes and mushy peas and applesauce - Ice cream cake is nice if your Dad would like it ---It is Father's Day and so serve what he can eat- However, can they bring you some beverages ie. wine? Yes! I would request them to bring some beverages- 'Oh did I tell everyone to bring wine, whoops"
Good Luck with your day!! Happy Father's Day to your Dad - mine died years ago and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your Dad - Please keep venting as needed - I really want to hear how they coped for the 'welcome to my world' afternoon.

So I had a pretty dark day on Thursday, posted something on FB that had friends concerned. Had a call from a friend from HS checking on me, a friend from grammar school ( actually I have know her since kindergarten) that I haven’t seen in 30 yrs is driving an hr and 45 for a quick visit on Wed and to take us out to lunch. Many others messaged me. Do ya think I heard anything from my dear sibs? Just crickets.... Well they are on their own to figure out how they are spending Father’s Day. I’m telling them “ every day is Father’s Day for me” this is their day to plan.

I live 3 1/2 hours from my parents. I’ve hauled everything from birthday cakes to a fried whole turkey on the trips I’ve taken. You put the food in a cooler. Coolers are sold EVERYWHERE.

I am an only child, my daughter is an only child too. My mother is in AL and one of the reasons is she cannot cook anymore due to mobility problems and moderate dementia and my father would rather take a bullet than learn to cook. That’s ONE of the reasons, but no one had better say to me ‘Oh you can cook the Thanksgiving dinner’...blah blah...because my mobility is compromised too. I cannot stand in the kitchen longer than 15-20 minutes on a good day. So I refuse to cook anything more complicated than a simple one dish meal, roast a meal in the oven, warm up leftovers, etc. My daughter helps but I just decided I simply refuse after my dad complained because he wants a table groaning buffet for EVERY meal. The WWII gang of men are impossible in their demands from women.

It’s sad about the cooking because my mom was and I am two terrific cooks but she’s forgotten how and I’m drawing boundaries left and right. My dad is finally succumbing to my limits though and there are good restaurants everywhere!

Tell your siblings that you’re sure dad would enjoy a nice visit from them. Where are they going to get the dinner? Suggest Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral to go. Lots of veggies and meats to choose from. I say “I can’t see that ‘fill in the blank’ happening, I’m not able’.

So sis enjoyed Jamaica? Direct them all to a nice motel near by, Hell offer to make the reservations for them but do not let them take over your house because you’ll be the maid! Tell sis she’ll have to find her own masseuse. Don’t you just love it? The nerve she has? You have some nerve too. Good luck!!

Be sure to find a bit of joy in this day with your dad. Get some of his favorite ice cream or make him a root beer float - doing something to bring him happiness will help you deal with these clueless people. Decide how much or little you are willing to do, and delegate with authority.

The non-caregivers always know just what needs to be done - don't they? Attempts to regulate/control what I was doing for Mom were always so out of line. I was acting as a volunteer and receiving nothing in return for the care I provided - but yet I was openly critiqued, told how to live and expected to adjust my priorities according to a whim? Most of the "suggestions" made by others were not just suggestions - they were demands. Most of the suggestions made were things which I'd already tried and determined to be impossible or impractical. If these family experts (who are NOT there to see it all unfold) could be present once in a while or could at least LISTEN to me when I try to give informative updates, it would all be so much clearer to them why things are as they are. Your sibs want to drop by for a party? Great. Put a collection jar at the front door for when they arrive & order however much pizza corresponds with the amount of money collected. A party. What nerve to dump that on you.

You have my support..and dont worry about anything you say. I have an idea though. If they dont want to pick up anything . Why dont you jump in the car and go pick up dinner ...and take a little extra time doing it.. See how they like taking care of him . Just hand them his meds and say here you give them to him .. Or say ..hey since your here im going to take a drive . Or pretend you have a bad cough and stay in your room most of the time.. "to protect your father from getting ill"

Toller, I have three sons. When they want to vaycay, they grab a bunch of their friends and come here. They love it because they live in the city and me in the mountains. They fish, dirt bike, ATV trails, camp etc... I love it too. They all grew up together from fourth grade through high school. I love their friends. I was there to watch them grow into wonderful men. The ones who remain unmarried, as my sons did, (29, 31) all come.

Feeding these guys is easy though! I make 2 lbs of baked ziti. Simple! All it requires is boiling the ziti and mixing in the cheeses, slap it in the oven.... BOOM! Done

Tell Sibs to grab salad, garlic bread and dessert.

Or you can call them and say, Dad really had his heart set on going out for dinner with all his kids, who knows if he'll have this opportunity again.

And may I say, you produced a very classy vent. Mine are always peppered with colorful language. Yeah, I show my a$$. LOL.....you got this!😉