Just need to vent, please don’t judge.

Toller vent away.. I can't believe they can't pick something up on the way? Like stop at the local grocery and grab a salad or something? How about they take you both out for FD? Your sister sounds like a PIA.

guarantee your sibs would better understand if they had to stay with dad for a complete day.
my mom used to complain about my dad when they were still living at home. then she fell and broke her hip. was away from dad for few weeks (hosp/rehab)
during that time. my sister and I took turns staying/caring for dad. (had alzheimers)

WOW what an eye opener.

I don't know how my mom did it.
I knew my mom was struggling a little. and I made sure I visited a lot and checked on them.
my mom (even at that point I hadn't grasped the complete problem they were getting ready to crash and burn) She was having her own medical issues(beginning dementia)

but staying with my dad alone for the day. and then spending the night. was super stressful. JUST VISITING DOES NOT give you a complete picture ! and both my parents seemed to know how to cover up and seem totally in control.

so I wouldn't judge you at all! completely understand

reading what you sister tells you makes me angry. :(

You go girl. (or guy)

Shout and scream all you want here. NO ONE will judge you for it.
I don't supposed you could suddenly be 'bedridden' while they are here? Probably not? But one can dream (I am wicked lol)

Take care of yourself and 'white noise' the others unless they are helping in some way. Which doesn't sound very likely.

We have your back here. Take care of your self and do not be a stranger. Hugs

No judging here - just support. Your sister has an attitude. Throw something in the crockpot, tell PIA and siblings they're responsible for a green salad and dessert. There's no reason (but laziness and lack of concern for anyone) for them not calling a restaurant and arranging take out for the family so you don't have to cook.

I would tell them they have no idea how difficult it is being a caregiver and if they want to eat anything they should bring it. Your offering is having them see their Dad on fathers day.

It's astonishing to me that siblings who bear none of the responsibility for caregiving just merrily cruise into town and expect to be treated like visiting royalty. And, have no hesitation to put the extra burden of cooking and entertaining on the shoulders of the already exhausted caregiver. Your sister sounds like a total jerk. I agree with those who said that your siblings should at least pick up something along the way. There are lots of things they could bring that could survive 2-3 hours in the car. It's not like they're coming from hundreds of miles away and would have to keep the food fresh while staying overnight in a hotel. It's just a cop-out, and shows how totally clueless they still are.

No judgement at all - just big hugs and hopes that things get better for you soon.

Or you could serve the food you usually make - bland and mushy.

Lol, well you all gave me support and a bit of a chuckle! Thanks ❤️ I would love for each of them to either take him for a long weekend so I can have a staycation or stay here with him so I can escape. They have all given me an excuse but I may gave to insist upon it.

So you are expected to throw a party for your siblings on Father's Day.
Call the local restaurant that has food that your Dad likes (and that you can grind up or mush up) and have them deliver it--Village Inn, Wendy's, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, whatever. Buy a cake from the grocery store or an Ice Cream Cake from Dairy Queen. Pizza is fine also. Get paper plates and heavy duty plastic silverware. Put a plastic tablecloth on the table. THAT's IT! DONE! You have a party!

If your Dad has a scheduled time that he lays down after dinner or supper, then follow his normal schedule. Don't make too many changes just because your siblings want to have a party. Take care of Dad and if your siblings stay too long.--Just tell them "I'm tired and Dad is tired and we are going to go lie down for our afternoon nap." and then do so. Or if it is evening and your siblings decide to stay too late, get your Dad & yourself ready for bed at the same time that you always do and tell your sibs "Good Night".

Take care of yourself and your Dad on Father's Day. Let your siblings take care of themselves--they always have and always will--take care of themselves and only themselves. God Bless.

Tell them to pick up two buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken with the sides or don't bother coming at all! They can find a KFC near your house so the chicken doesn't go bad. 

Vent away, you have jerks for family-as so many of us do too.

Actually serving the food you usually make is hysterical. And I would do it with a straight face

Toller, I have three sons. When they want to vaycay, they grab a bunch of their friends and come here. They love it because they live in the city and me in the mountains. They fish, dirt bike, ATV trails, camp etc... I love it too. They all grew up together from fourth grade through high school. I love their friends. I was there to watch them grow into wonderful men. The ones who remain unmarried, as my sons did, (29, 31) all come.

Feeding these guys is easy though! I make 2 lbs of baked ziti. Simple! All it requires is boiling the ziti and mixing in the cheeses, slap it in the oven.... BOOM! Done

Tell Sibs to grab salad, garlic bread and dessert.

Or you can call them and say, Dad really had his heart set on going out for dinner with all his kids, who knows if he'll have this opportunity again.

And may I say, you produced a very classy vent. Mine are always peppered with colorful language. Yeah, I show my a$$. LOL.....you got this!😉

You have my support..and dont worry about anything you say. I have an idea though. If they dont want to pick up anything . Why dont you jump in the car and go pick up dinner ...and take a little extra time doing it.. See how they like taking care of him . Just hand them his meds and say here you give them to him .. Or say ..hey since your here im going to take a drive . Or pretend you have a bad cough and stay in your room most of the time.. "to protect your father from getting ill"

The non-caregivers always know just what needs to be done - don't they? Attempts to regulate/control what I was doing for Mom were always so out of line. I was acting as a volunteer and receiving nothing in return for the care I provided - but yet I was openly critiqued, told how to live and expected to adjust my priorities according to a whim? Most of the "suggestions" made by others were not just suggestions - they were demands. Most of the suggestions made were things which I'd already tried and determined to be impossible or impractical. If these family experts (who are NOT there to see it all unfold) could be present once in a while or could at least LISTEN to me when I try to give informative updates, it would all be so much clearer to them why things are as they are. Your sibs want to drop by for a party? Great. Put a collection jar at the front door for when they arrive & order however much pizza corresponds with the amount of money collected. A party. What nerve to dump that on you.

Be sure to find a bit of joy in this day with your dad. Get some of his favorite ice cream or make him a root beer float - doing something to bring him happiness will help you deal with these clueless people. Decide how much or little you are willing to do, and delegate with authority.

I live 3 1/2 hours from my parents. I’ve hauled everything from birthday cakes to a fried whole turkey on the trips I’ve taken. You put the food in a cooler. Coolers are sold EVERYWHERE.

I am an only child, my daughter is an only child too. My mother is in AL and one of the reasons is she cannot cook anymore due to mobility problems and moderate dementia and my father would rather take a bullet than learn to cook. That’s ONE of the reasons, but no one had better say to me ‘Oh you can cook the Thanksgiving dinner’...blah blah...because my mobility is compromised too. I cannot stand in the kitchen longer than 15-20 minutes on a good day. So I refuse to cook anything more complicated than a simple one dish meal, roast a meal in the oven, warm up leftovers, etc. My daughter helps but I just decided I simply refuse after my dad complained because he wants a table groaning buffet for EVERY meal. The WWII gang of men are impossible in their demands from women.

It’s sad about the cooking because my mom was and I am two terrific cooks but she’s forgotten how and I’m drawing boundaries left and right. My dad is finally succumbing to my limits though and there are good restaurants everywhere!

Tell your siblings that you’re sure dad would enjoy a nice visit from them. Where are they going to get the dinner? Suggest Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral to go. Lots of veggies and meats to choose from. I say “I can’t see that ‘fill in the blank’ happening, I’m not able’.

So sis enjoyed Jamaica? Direct them all to a nice motel near by, Hell offer to make the reservations for them but do not let them take over your house because you’ll be the maid! Tell sis she’ll have to find her own masseuse. Don’t you just love it? The nerve she has? You have some nerve too. Good luck!!

So I had a pretty dark day on Thursday, posted something on FB that had friends concerned. Had a call from a friend from HS checking on me, a friend from grammar school ( actually I have know her since kindergarten) that I haven’t seen in 30 yrs is driving an hr and 45 for a quick visit on Wed and to take us out to lunch. Many others messaged me. Do ya think I heard anything from my dear sibs? Just crickets.... Well they are on their own to figure out how they are spending Father’s Day. I’m telling them “ every day is Father’s Day for me” this is their day to plan.

Vent away!!!! I agree with whoever suggested serving food your Dad can eat---mashed potatoes and mushy peas and applesauce - Ice cream cake is nice if your Dad would like it ---It is Father's Day and so serve what he can eat- However, can they bring you some beverages ie. wine? Yes! I would request them to bring some beverages- 'Oh did I tell everyone to bring wine, whoops"
Good Luck with your day!! Happy Father's Day to your Dad - mine died years ago and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your Dad - Please keep venting as needed - I really want to hear how they coped for the 'welcome to my world' afternoon.

Tollermama1 I would make a detailed log of your daily routine with your dad's care needs. Next to each act include a price/bill. Include what you need to do to care for yourself. Include billing, meds, shopping needs,meals, dressing, laundry,bathing,etc. For both of you. Include bad episodes, difficulties, especially family obstacles and non participation. Then research the cost of care in the vet home. Present her with. Facts.

Tollermama1, I am so glad that you feel that you can express yourself on Facebook when you are feeling sad or down. I haven’t learned to do that yet since I am the one who has to be strong (due to my profession: semi-retired nurse). What good friends you have that they are willing to drive to see if you are okay. Are you feeling better?
Good for you that you are “letting” your siblings fend for themselves on Father’s Day. Continue to take care of yourself.

P.S. Let us know how tomorrow goes when your sibs arrive and you don't have a party all set up for them. {{{HUGS}}}

Tollermama, vent away, but Imma judge your sister. What a PITA. Jeez, I'd think
about locking up and putting up a sign "Gone to Jamaica!" Good luck tomorrow
Maybe you should take notes, your sis sounds like the perfect combo of theatically
selfish and demanding. Sounds like a script for a dysfunctional family drama

Vent away. You deserve to and need to have a safe place for the unbelievable frustration in your situation. Your siblings,sorry, I agree with others are living in la la land. Spending a day alone with dad would wake them up. Was he a "nice dad" when he was younger. I have to ask...My days are 100 percent attention to an 83 year old mother,lifelong narcissist. It definitely increases the resentment when the parental empathy was never there. Please take care of yourself, however you can.

OMG! Do you need a hug! You are an absolute angel and your siblings are slugs.

Let them come for Father's Day - and let them go out and bring in some "take out" so you can enjoy the day too! Tell them, Your kitchen is closed and if they want to eat, they need to bring enough for everyone.

Hey, at least you vented to your sister on the phone and didn't hold it in. So now you get perfectly calm. Don't you dare clean the house or do anything special before they get there. Do whatever you do any other day of the week for you and your dad. When they walk in, tell them if they're hungry, they can order something and go pick it up. Sis can set the table while you sit and visit with whoever else comes. Let them all see how it really is for you and dad. Holidays these days are just another day of the week for mom and I. My kin don't even call anymore, let alone visit mom in the NH. It was the same when I had her at my house before the NH. And frankly at this point, I'm fine with it.

Let us know how Father’s Day went. We are with you here. I truly think like others suggested you need to get some respite and time away. Call your siblings and tell them when you’re going even if it’s just a weekend at a local hotel, and when they need to come and stay. I also agree with making the list of what you go through and handing it to them. They haven’t a clue and this will open their eyes. But don’t give it to them until they arrive and you leave!

Hi there!

I’m so PO’d by this I’m almost in tears! No matter how many times I come here & read these posts I know I’ll never truly understand how or why some people treat their “loved ones” the way they do or ignore them like they do. Anyway, this is the place to vent & if anyone judges you poorly for the way you feel then I’d be willing to bet they aren’t a carer.

The suggestion to feed them what your dad eats was fantastic and I would do it. Seriously, I’d have no qualms about doing that. Some folks need to have their eyes opened!!

But that aside, what do y’all think about (strongly) encouraging non- helpful, non-involved, critical sibs or other family members to join this forum? Do you think they would? Do you think they’d get an idea of what it’s like to be a carer? This website has helped me out tremendously and I think I might suggest to my family to join. I’ll have to change my screen name cause they know this one...or maybe not! Maybe my sister ought to read what I’ve written about her & the comments I’ve gotten back!

Well, best of luck...I sure do sympathize w/you!

Live your life as you would if they were not there. I would not rearrange or change a thIng and if anyone adds their 2 cents I would say welcome to my world.

Every day is Father’s Day in your world and your siblings should be able to understand that. While your siblings are visiting your Dad, you should leave the house and take a day off. Maybe they will get the message. As for feeding them, leave a menu for a local restaurant that delivers. YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

Your family is pathetic. So many good answers and support. Hope you have a great Father’s Day regardless. For Mother’s Day, my sister travelled from her home in Georgia to a town less than 40 miles from us then posted it on FB for everyone including Mom to see. I’m sure she was very hurt by this but, we gave her a good Mother’s Day alone.