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Our mom — in a short term rehab facility post hospital stay — appears (to me) to possibly be in a dying phase. She has refused more than a tiny bit of food and water for weeks and becomes confused at times. She has lost a lot of weight and is extremely weak.


My sibling says Mom is just being stubborn by not eating. She's incredibly upset with Mom. All dental, dry mouth, taste bud, etc. causes have been ruled out.


Any guidance on dealing with upset sibling? Sibling’s incredible frustration with our mom is not helping. At all. I have shared guidance on dying stages with sibling who appears unwilling to consider anything other than pure stubbornness on Mom’s part. This is not helping us move forward in Mom’s best interest. At all. Thank you for any insight.

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If your mom is no longer eating or drinking much I hope that you've brought hospice on board then.
They will be able to best explain to your siblings what happens as the body prepares to leave this world for the next.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Your sibling needs to hear a medical opinion from mom’s doctor and nothing else from you. I’m sure your intentions are good, but there’s some reason it will not be heard from you. Don’t try to convince or argue, especially in such a tough time. Ask mom’s doctor to talk with sibling or have a family meeting with all concerned. I wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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What does mom's doctor say?
You do not give info on mom, her age, medical condition as to why she is in rehab or her general medical condition prior to hospitalization.
Big question is ... Who is mom's POA?
This is the person that will be making the medical decisions.
I urge you to discourage the thought of a feeding tube.
If her body is not digesting food to put food into her it will cause more problems.
I would ask for a Hospice evaluation at this point.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I agree with Daughterof1930, have the doctor and hospital chaplain talk with the sibling in denial. It is common for family members to be in denial, not want to accept that their loved one may be dying. Some people are very afraid of death, and hope to live forever. Of course, that is not realistic, but hearing it from you is only causing argument and bad feelings and frustration for all.

A short term rehab facility does not go along with your description of mom in a dying phase. Are you sure you're not misunderstanding her condition?
The goal of the rehab facility is for the patient to improve and become mobile.
Ask the nurse or doctor in charge of your mother's care plan if your mother is expected to improve, or if it is time for hospice care. A hospice nurse will not only help the patient, but will help the family through this difficult time.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Thank you for your responses.
Mom had two bleeding ulcers and lost a lot of blood. Stayed in hospital until stable. Now in rehab for physical therapy and occupational therapy. Unable to toilet alone. Or eat. Also is legally blind so requires assistance with eating. And negotiating space. Can see peripherally.
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Reply to Wisdomseeker
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CareforMominTN Jun 21, 2025
My mother could not do anything at the beginning of rehab. I told them she had to walk, walk up stairs, and go to the bathroom. This actually happened twice. Her ulcers were large duodenal ulcers and the food would not go down. She would not eat because the food was in her stomach and would not go down causing her to vomit or feel sick. There is no reason to die because of ulcers imo. After her surgery, she was bedridden first at the hospital, then at rehab very swollen. They left her asleep in a diaper until the swelling went down and then started physical therapy. She went twice a day and started going to the bathroom with assistance. It was a long recovery and I was there for months. She has dry macular degeneration and cannot distinguish some things including faces, food, but surprisingly can feel around and find things. She does watch tv with the volume on high. She cannot read. If she had wet md, there are injections recommended. Dry md usually does not lead to blindness. She enjoys eating now but has limit options because of her teeth.
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I am so sorry she is going through so many things, as well as your family. These are tough times! Please try to have as much patience with each other, because everyone process things differently. I agree that having the doctors explain her condition to your sibling would be better than you both arguing. It sounds like her body is shutting down to me. I am not sure she has much quality of life anymore?
Try to lean on each other for support and love. Best of luck to you all. ❤️
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Reply to Tiger8
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My father(out of state) was placed in a rehab after falling. After a period of time refused to eat. My brother went against his DNR and had a feeding tube put in.
Fast forward: 4 weeks later was advised by the facility and attorneys to resolve several legal issues and hopefully bring him back to FL. We did per his request.
My father ate a full meal the day he returned.
In short, we found his eating issue was emotionally based per his Doctor.
You might address that avenue, if your sister is constantly upset with her. You'd be surprised what is being said that you're not hearing. We were!
Good luck
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Reply to Greeneyes60
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How old is mom?
What doctors have discussed this with sibling?
Who is the POA in charge and is that person TAKING CHARGE to protect mom's end of life journey from being one of the torture of forced feedings?
Is hospice involved, and have they discussed all this with sibling, social workers and clergy?

Grief counseling is often the only recourse.
YOU would be the worst one to address this with your sib. WORST ONE!
Sympathize with her inability to accept that not everything can be fixed. Give her hugs and sympathy and love. Reassure her that people can sustain life on one spoonful of honey and minimal amounts of water. Speak to her about your mom's long (I hope) life and happy days. Let her know her grief and her attempts to "fix things" is understandable, but that not everything can BE fixed. Hold her hand. Let her weep.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MiaMoor Jun 22, 2025
A very compassionate answer.
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People do not willingly starve or dehydrate themselves as an act of stubborn will - at least not in older people and those with cognitive decline (save the protestors that starve themselves for a "cause"). There are a couple of reasons your loved will not eat or drink: psychological (thinks food/drink is poisoned or not edible), neurological (unable to recognize food or remember how to eat/drink), or medical (has a blockage in her systems that make her feel "full." You can have your loved one checked out by her medical doctor for those reasons. This check up will give your sibling something to hold on to until a "diagnosis" is revealed. At that point, you and your sibling(s) can have a conference with the doctor to discuss treatment options. You can also ask the doctor for a referral to hospice/palliative care so mom can have the best quality of life for whatever length of life God allows.
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Reply to Taarna
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Your sibling probably clings to the wishful thinking that feeding your mother would keep her alive. It will not. If your mother is at the stage where her body no longer wants food, forcing her to eat will only cause her stress and discomfort.

Reality will not be much comfort to your sibling, but it might ease your own frustration with your sibling to remember his or her exasperation comes from desperation to keep your mother alive.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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LindaSG Jun 22, 2025
After my mother with dementia passed away my sisters and I wish we could have had the time back fighting with her and being angry that she wouldn’t eat. I wish more people could understand this.
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