Just need to vent, please don’t judge.

Marylou, if one of my sibs hasn't called my mom on mother's day or her birthday, I text them and say "mom is awake now if you would like to call her and wish her a happy mother's day" or I will call them and hand her the phone. I figure she shouldn't have to be sad just because they are "too busy" to remember.

They just don’t get it.
Paper plates, pizza and they bring whatever they want to drink.

They're babies. Serve pretzels and juice.

I LOVE the thought of inviting our sibs to read these posts!! I, too, would have to change my name. But it would be awfully eye-opening for them, I think. I live 11hrs away and have been sleeping on an air mattress in my mom's AL community for 5.5 weeks so far, with no end in sight. I work full time. My sibs are local. They each stopped by for about 2 hrs on mother's day, one with no gift at all. That's it. I am missing my daughter's first baby shower as I write because I could get no help and Mom is too confused right now to be left with strangers, even if I could afford the $500 it would cost just to have someone here for less than 24 hrs. Assisted living only provides so much assistance, and my mom doesn't even consistently recognize me or her favorite staff. I had to make a judgment call, and the doctor concurred with me that it would be tough for her in her current state of confusion to have strangers (hired staff to supplement the AL staff). I am only getting by thanks to the support I find on this site!

oh, and Mom has a broken clavicle from a fall earlier this week! :( Her pain is incredible. We had to stop the very low-dose pain pills because they were making her confusion worse.

MaryB1. 
Please try to come here for a few minutes everyday. Hibernating in your house everyday, caring for your LO, alone with your thoughts will drive you CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs!
I know your worried, but you do have lots of caregiving experience. Share it here, it'll take the focus off your worries, at least for a little while each day. I'm so sorry you're so alone right now.

Cyber Huggz

Thank you for all your support and the courage to stand up to them. I took the afternoon off and went to a music fest! Granted I worried how things were going the whole time but I did feel deliciously free for a few hrs. Told them to order in but dad can’t chew pizza. Got a lot of blank stares. Told them there was a frozen lasagna, they could heat that up. I did make dessert . Dad seemed sad I was leaving but I told him we would extend fathers dad till tomorrow and celebrate again.
To answer a few questions, my dad is a sweetheart. So kind and appreciative, even says thank you every time I give him his meds. He worked 3 jobs at times to take care of his family.
With 6 of them here just for the afternoon I don’t think they seemed to get how much I do for him.
I have been keeping a journal on everything that goes on here.

Thanks for sharing your day and for going out to the music fest!

That's fantastic that you had a few hours doing something for yourself!! That's so important. I'm glad your dad is so sweet and appreciative. My mom is also (unless she's having cognitive issues from her Parkinson's) and that makes the work more bearable.
Since your sibs live within a 3-4 hour drive, they should be visiting for at least a day every month. My sis did when she lived that far. Now she lives further yet she still visits every 2 or 3 months. She works full time. She gets on the train at 8pm Fri. Arrives here at 9am sat. Cooks and takes care of mom while she's here. I get to sleep in on Sunday. Then I take her to the train Sunday evening and she arrives home an hour before she has to be to work Monday morning. I'm not saying this to brag that I have a wonderful big sis (but she IS pretty incredible😊) I'm telling you this because you should know that you deserve more from them. If family is a priority, they can figure out ways to be more helpful. My other sibs live further away and are far less involved, but at least they appreciate me and that means a lot.
I think its a great idea to show them these posts so they can see they need to step up.

I'm also in a position where I am caring for my two elderly parents. They still live on their own but in the same town as I do. My siblings are usually missing in action doing their own thing. I do not have outside the home employment so am in the best position to look after them. My dad gifts me money and they are all ok with that but, because he gifts me money, I'm afraid they think this is their ticket to handing over the load to me for the most part and I am ok with that.

What I am not ok with is when out of town siblings decide to come visit and may assume they can stay at my place as well. Now I am looking after my parents and hosting guests - too stressful. I have put my foot down and let them know that there are B&Bs in the area, as well as motels. If we caregivers don't set boundaries, they will walk all over us.

I am so happy you got yourself a break. :)
Sitting on a park bench would have been good. The one you got was excellent. Well done.

I am so glad your dad will get two 'fathers days'. Tell them all to do the same for his birthday and Christmas. Oh, and May day and Thanks Giving (and any other holiday you can think of.)

Again - well done - great job. :)

Buzzybee had a hilarious response, maybe you could pretend! But to the point, going through the same deal. Haven't talked to siblings for awhile, they never call to see how she is, etc, etc, just hang in there and remember everybody here is on your side.

I am in your shoes. May God bless you and your dad and help guide us when this craziness ends. Then, that means your dad and my mom are in God's arms and we are left with complete and utter emptiness. We will be left alone. And it will crush us.

Toller: You have every right to vent! Wow! I am appalled at your relatives' attitudes! But praise God that you got that break to go to that music fest!

Your post and posts from others who have do-nothing siblings make me glad I'm the only child. I have to do it all alone, except for the help I hire, but don't have sibs who demand a restaurant style meal either. I'm with those who say leave when the sibs get there, or else feed them what Dad eats.

I'd say "since it's Father's Day I thought you would enjoy some special time with Dad. He has me every day so it will be a real treat for him to have you take care of him just for today and cook a nice meal. You can grind it to mush for him." Then go.

And if Dear Sis gets after you about a job, present a bill just like a home health agency would. They can pay you for Dad't care or else they can pitch in on the memory care facility. If you collapsed, they would have to take care of him, and my guess is that they would place him immediately. Vent away and do nothing for those sibs!

I don't think we can do anything about family. My husband is in a very good facility, that I visit almost daily. I see families that visit all the time and other's not at all. My Dad was in the VA in our area and it was very good; we were there all the time. He had a Dr. and nurses on staff, dinner's with people he got to know and allot of activities. The local younger vets came in often with music, parties and car shows. Its not a death sentence.

You are unappreciated. Vent away. I agree with other responders that unless they walk the walk for a couple of days they really can't begin to understand the countless things you do, the stress of having it all available, etc. Don't even put out a bowl of chips. Tell them they can take Dad out (make reservations) and stay behind in some peace and quiet. Use the feeling unwell card at the last minute. You can even suggest they bring something back for you. Sorry this is late. I'm in your shoes and can only get on the computer at work.

When the first

When the first sib comes through the door, leave saying you have to go to the store & will be back shortly. Return about 4 hours later & laugh at their complaints.

I get the need to vent. My siblings just called in Fathers Day and two of them live within 45 minutes driving distance of him. He lives alone and has no transportation except me. He told me some people called to wish him Happy Fathers Day but he didn't know who it was. To be fair, my little sister who lives in another state did come up last week for a visit and to cover for the aid who usually makes him dinner in the evenings. (She took a 2-wk vacation.) Sister was exhausted by Thursday. Hired unemployed brother who never visits him for the first week and he, too, could not get away fast enough. At least now they know what I do on a daily basis. Dad is a nice man who needs a lot of help. I have POA and I paid them both what I would have paid the aid. I don't pay myself. But I pay for his needs out of his funds and I let them know that is where their "inheritance" is going. The more help I have to bring in, the less likely they will get one.

Too late for father's day, but next time they announce a visit, ask their approximate arrival time, then phone in a take-out order. Call their cell when they are close and ask them to pick it up on their way into town. Don't tell them in advance! If they have the gall to complain about picking up and PAYING for it, tell them you are too busy taking care of dad to go out and get it, and since they see dad so seldom you figured they wouldn't mind making a SMALL contribution since this special visit is making dad so happy...

As far as the cost of caregiving, can you get approved as an in-home caregiver? Adult foster care / family care? Frail elder program? Seems like "but for" your care, he would be in a nursing home.

How did it go?

So commiserate with you here. It is the lack of understanding and emotional and tangible support for you, on a continuing basis, which is gutting, aside from the expectations you write of. It hurts and you probably feel the loss of sibling camaraderie and a bit like the Cinderella of the family. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge that loss and try and start to look out for ourselves a bit. Spell it out. "Its difficult enough doing what I am doing. I will supply........ and I need you to bring.......(drinks, nibbles, salad stuffs, deserts, decorations etc). so Dad can have the best time while you are here." And regards a breakout away, it's important to try and take that, even if you will  be thinking of your Dad during that time. Say to family, this is what is happening over this time frame and ask how the family can support Dad during this time. eg come stay, or provide finances for a care giver or respite home. YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE IN THIS :) :) :)

wow, Jnwitt, I am so impressed with your sister!!! Thank you for sharing that story. I'm sure that you do even more for Mom and just didn't brag about that. :) But it is reassuring to know that there is an occasional sib who steps up to the plate.

Has anyone ever been successful at getting the LO for whom you are caring to reach out to your/their sibs and appeal for help? I KNOW that my brother would respond more if my mother would appeal to him for help instead of continuing to enable him as she has for 62 years. She accepts his excuses and empty promises. I don't know that it would do any good with my sister; I can't even imagine how she would respond. I do know that my sister would have more trouble saying no to mom than she does saying no to me. Although I know that she works hard (as do I -- 60 hours a week, remotely at this point!) she could work out a way to help with mom if she cared to do so. Both my sibs are local, and i'm not. I'm well aware that some people are better care-givers than others, but I think that not doing anything is punking out.

Another thought -- we need a book that puts together many of the posts from this site for our sibs to read. Does anyone know if there is already a book for sibs who don't step up to the plate and provide care? There are plenty on how to care for your aging parent. My sister gave one to me!!!!

Teri - been there, done that. It didn't go well. I kind of lost my cool one evening at the NH while I was talking to Mom. She wanted new nightgowns - I told her I couldn't afford them right then and she said, "Well, just use some of my money to get them!" I had to then explain that *her* money was not *hers* anymore - it was all going to the NH for the patient pay portion, all except $60 per month for "personal expenses", which was helping defray the cost of the $450 per month private room she had to be in when the NH ran out of suitable roommates for her to be with in a shared room - and they wouldn't put her in a shared room with an empty bed, for whatever reason. So for several months, I shelled out $450 per month on a private room out of my own pocket - thus, no new nightgowns at that time. She asked if my siblings were helping at all, and I was honest about it and said no. Bad idea.

She called the ONE sibling that she shouldn't have called and told her it was time for them to pony up and help. So then *I* got a phone call. Long story made short, no help was forthcoming. I was offered $20 a month, which was like a slap in the face compared to what I was putting out at that time, and had been in lesser amounts, for a few years.

There's a couple of ways this can go - very well, or very badly. You have to judge based on your family dynamics how you think it will go - but be warned: it may not go how you think it will. The best, most easy-going siblings can turn ugly when money or caregiving is the issue.

You are experiencing exactly what the main caregiver receives from the ungrateful siblings that love to pop in and judge. I too went through this similar scenario for eight long years. After Mom fell several times with the last one being the worst she had to go to the hospital and is now in a rehab/nursing home. I refuse to bring her home at this time because two of my seven siblings will make my life with Mom impossible and they just upset her and work against anything I do to help her. So I have had it and for now I am not bringing her back here. If I do this they hold me and her hostage sadly. Do not every feel you are not doing enough; you are doing way more than any of them and they should be ashamed and stop judging you and actually help with your father. If it gets too bad you can find a good nursing home that will take care of him at this stage. It is the hardest thing to do but sometimes it is the only thing left to save you.

I would leave thm thr w dad take aday off let thm figure it out for themselves u hve spent more thn enough days w dad to celebrate a happy fathets day. You deserve all the breaks u can take.. In the same boat.

It's sad that this is such a common story. My siblings went so far as to take credit for things I did. My Mom would say "wasn't it so nice of so and so to bring me this" when in fact I had brought it. Let's just say my Mom's memory wasn't so great but they let her keep on believing they had done things and took the credit.

I know Father's Day has come and gone but if it had been me I would have said Sorry, we've made other plans. Let them holler. Too bad for them.

Thanks Teri. I feel very fortunate in many ways. My family is far from perfect, but my oldest sister has always been a great example of the importance of family. My dad had MS and was bedridden for 35 yrs before passing in 2013. My sis lived 3 hours away for most of that time and tried to visit every month. And after my dad passed, my mom's health declined quickly so I moved 1000 miles to live with her so she could stay in the home. It was a difficult transition, partly because my adult autistic daughter lives with me and we have a few cats and a dog, but I felt that my life was more "portable" than my sibs.
All four of my sibs frequently tell me how thankful they are that I am taking care of mom. When I see these posts and comments about self centered siblings it breaks my heart for those of you who have to deal with them. But also I feel sad for them. They are missing out on caring for someone in need, and they may regret their selfish decisions after their parent is gone.

Wow! Now I'm rambling and have strayed from the topic.

Anyway I hope all of you, who are taking an active roll in caring for a parent, know that you are doing a wonderful thing and will be blessed in the future.
I'm glad we've all found the support of this wonderful online community :)