Just need to vent, please don’t judge.

Make what you usually make for lunch or dinner.
After lunch or dinner say you have to run out for a bit
LEAVE them with Dad, go talk a walk, go for a drive, go get an ice cream but get away for a bit for yourself. Not saying this will give them an idea what you deal with but as long as you have 3 "knowledgeable" "got the solution" siblings all there at one time I am sure they can take care of things for an hour or two. Just make sure they know where the briefs, or pull ups are a well as any gloves, ointments that they will need.

I can totally relate to your very rough situation. I went through very similar struggles with my own siblings when I was living with and caring for my mother who had Alzheimer's. It's so easy (and so rotten) for your siblings to criticize and take you for granted. Meanwhile, they don't have a clue, because they are not in the trenches with the day-to-day responsibilities and frustrations that you have. Shame on them. And well done on you for taking such good care of your dad. My mother died more than 20 years ago. But I can tell you that I am the only sibling that rests well knowing that I did everything I could for her. And as much as I wanted to pull my hair out EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the end I was glad (and still am) that I was able to do what I did for my mom. Just please remember to take care of yourself. You need respite. And thank you for taking such wonderful care of your beloved father. Apparently your siblings won't thank you, so I'm thanking you. Your daddy is VERY lucky to have a kid like you.

Oh, my first thought was...... as soon as they come in, do all your "hi's" and hugs, find out how long they plan to stay, and then dash out the door for your own "day on your own"....... maybe church, out to eat, afternoon movie..... a walk at your park, reading a book...... something for you! And they can have the quality time with their dad, that you have 24/7 :). By the way, that's also my second, third, and fourth thought!!!

Leave as soon as the first one arrives and spend a day by yourself - pamper yourself!! Hide the wine though!

It I were you: They can call ahead to the local gourmet grocery store and pre-order a party dish and few sides, then they drive 15-minutes out of their way to pick up and bring in with them. Or you call in the order and have them pick-up on their way in.

You provide utensils and beverages.

With the internet, Google, and GPS while driving, this is a no-brainier for them. And you should expect them to pay with your impending joblessness and possible financial squeeze in the interim.

I agree with the others. Leave when they arrive so they can spend time with dad. They need a wake up call.

I’m in the “leave when they arrive” camp. I would also leave a list of the mushy foods he can eat, hiding everything else that they may want to have themselves. Especially the wine.  Show them where the Depends, etc. are for the inevitable accident.  Oh, and write up his daily schedule if you have time.

Toller, your sibs are a bunch of clods. I agree with all who say don’t clean and don’t tidy — let them walk into what a day with Dad is really like.

And no food prep! When they show up empty-handed, tell them it's pizza or fried chicken or Chinese or whatever. Their choice. Then direct them to the takeout menu, phone/website and Google Maps to go pick it up.

I feel for you, Toller. My sig-others’ sibs are a lot like yours. Different hot buttons, but same end result. We only hear from them when they “need” something. (What they NEED is new personalities and a one-way ticket to someplace far, far away!)

I would stay as far way from your family as possible. You have enough taking care of your Dad. He may have to go into a home one day, do you have authority to put him there? Seems like they are trying to make you feel guilty about that and since they aren't taking care of him they don't have the right.

Since they invited themselves to visit Dad on Father's Day they are responsible to bring the food. And since you're the one with Dad every day this would be a good opportunity for you to take a break. Once they get there tell them you'll be back in a few hours. Go do something you like to do. Just sitting in a coffee shop or a park with a good book.
Forget about what your siblings think. I struggle with this also.

I heard a saying "we teach others how to treat us"
Learn to set boundaries and learn what feels right to you.
Learn what your needs are to be effective in the role/job you have caring for your Dad.
Learn to put yourself first so you have the energy and ability to do the job you have to do for your dad.
One learns by doing and by learning to feel worth it (self-esteem).
If you need a therapist to get through and gain support, get it (or join a support group). Taking care of yourself is primary and learning to set boundaries so you do not allow others to make you a target of their behavior and/or lack of sensitivity.

Leave sibs there with dad and treat yourself to your favorite restaurant. Make sure you leave out instructions on preparing mush.😉

This kind of post leaves me seething. Were these people raised by wolves? (Obviously not, but honestly.) You've received a lot of good support and suggestions here. I'm in the "leave as soon as they get there" camp. Tell them where the nearest KFC is and hit the road. These people need a wake-up call.

White bread and peanut butter left on the counter while you go *somewhere else* - the sibs need to know what it's like, and this is your day off since they are coming. Enjoy! And if they put him in a VA home, it is NOT a death sentence.

This hits too close to home---in a way.

One mother's day (biggest joke/fake holiday in the world) and we have LOOONG church meetings on Sundays, 3 hrs worth all together--I hauled all 5 of my kids to our regular meetings, got a dead-ish plant as "recognition" of being a mother--came home and (hubby had opted out of church, so he was sleeping) told the kids "well, this stinks, let's have barf on toast for dinner" ( family recipe, just creamed tuna on toast) and as I a making dinner, dh's MOTHER shows up. He'd invited his mother to dinner. She was as embarrassed as could be, but stayed and ate with us. DH did finally wake up, was profoundly upset THAT I HAD NOT MADE A BETTER MEAL. I did not know she was coming and it was MOTHER'S DAY.

Somebody at work must have busted his chops about it, b/c the next he came home from work with a huge box of candy and flowers. I was working in the office and I said "Those are either 364 days too early or 24 long hours too late. I do not want them." I threw the flowers in the trash and gave the kids the candy.

Every Sunday is Father's Day. I'll make DH breakfast but not dinner and I am not fussing him one iota.

Your family sounds delightful. I have no words for you except that this too, shall pass. I've spent far too many holidays crying and upset b/c DH said something to criticize me about what I SHOULD have done to make a holiday more special.

So many good responses---I'd go either the 'regular food route" or a quick text to give food assignments. Or simply take a little road trip. You really do not need these people in your life!

But, may I add--don't hurt dad in the process. They are, awful as they are, his kids and at least they are making a show of marking the day for him.

Tell them to go ahead and visit and then when they get there let them know you are leaving for a few hours. Take some time for you and don't feel guilty.

I feel your burden and pain!
My brother just left town after dropping in for a visit. He didn’t even really spend time with our mother. He could come and go as he wanted and doesn’t do any caregiving when he is here. I can’t even go to the bathroom without having to keep an eye on her on a monitor.
My brother travels, spends money on whatever he wants, and gets to live unburdened in any way (no other family to care for or anything). My husband and I don’t get a single minute alone unless we hire someone (@$25/hr- min of 4 hours at a time) to come into our home so we can escape for a single meal!
I have had to take a leave of absence from work. I still have my miserable job to go back to after my Mom passes, so I can at least be thankful(?) for that.
Money issues stink.
Relatives that don’t have a single clue about caregiving stink.
Watching our loved ones fade away before our eyes REALLY stinks.
So vent away. We all need to or we might just explode!

You SHOULD insist on it. He's their father too. They need to pull their heads out and get involved. Just sayin'.

I feel so sorry for you!! I cannot believe they are saying this...Print some articles that have been printed out the caregiver usually dies before the caregivee...there have been articles written out there how much we should be paid and it is a thankless job...also bring up, why don’t THEY TAKE care of dad for years on end..and see how it feels? see how draining it is yada yada yada...and you work on top of it!! I can only work part time, myself! I would print out articles or have them go on here to see what it is like.

I completely understand. I am like a hermit in my home. I’m facing some surgery soon & still struggling to find someone to sit with my mom. I’ve got so much on my mind & still trying to hold my head up. I would really like my husband there when I have my operation but I might have to go it alone. I have a brother that hates his siblings & he’s the only one that lives close enough to watch her. This is the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life. I love my mom but I’m having a pretty hard time. Then I do what you are doing , let guilt take over. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you you’re not alone. Take care!

Unless siblings spend 24 hours in our shoes they have no clue how stressful and tiring caregiving is. A nice AL facility is a godsend. Suggest picking one close to them...you need a break.

Tollermama, Hope you are having a Happy Father's day with your dad. I just got this on my feed today. So not sure how things are going your way. But my dad has a very limited income. If my brothers were to show up, they would be offered water and a butterscotch candy. My Mom, his beautiful soulmate of 57 1/2 years died in February. I have 5 brothers myself. One has a good reason for not showing up - he is in California (but rarely calls). The others live in the area or near abouts, what 25-30 miles away. My one generous brother helps us quite a bit, without him we wouldn't be where and how we are right now. Another brother is busy, he's out of town for some reason. I only know because I read a facebook post he sent his daughter. Another brother is a selfish mean person who believes his is God and could care less about his own father and children (that's another long story). And the last one, I really don't know the reason. But I know that later today, my dad will ask if anyone called. I'll have to say, "No, Dad, no one called."

So I agree with all the others, who said have them bring something on the way to Dad's and make sure they bring something he can actually eat and enjoy. AND if they would be so kind to bring extra juice, bottled water, for him to enjoy later since money is tight, that would be great, too. Let us know how it goes.

SMH at your siblings... no words, but definitely relate. Hugs!

Did you say vent, so on I went
I made her Sunday salads
Put on her shoes and came when called
But this deserves no balla

Marylou, OMG, " No Dad, no one called" that would kill me to have to drop that on him! How sad, sometimes I just hate people....

Wouldn't it be better to use one of those therapeutic white lies? I would often in instances like this. Mom you were napping when they called. Why hurt her if I don't have to?

Glad is correct use the therapeutic white lie.

As far as being too stressed to pick some thing up. Make something for you and Dad and suggest they go out and buy a pizza for themselves. Coffee and cookies is all I would have ready.

If you get a chance, tell us how your day went!

Toller, I completely understand not wanting to host a party on top of everything else you do!! When I moved in to take care of my mom five years ago I just told my family that we wouldn't be hosting parties anymore. They were used to coming here for holidays but I said that i prefer they don't all come at the same time.( They even brought food to share although it was a 3 hour drive) But it was too crowded and overwhelming to have a houseful. I said mom would better appreciate the time if they came separately without all the chaos.
I am fortunate that my sibs all appreciate the sacrifices i made to move here and keep my mom at home. But even if your sibs don't understand or appreciate all you do, you need to stand up for yourself. Do not let them take advantage of your kindness. They should all take turns giving you a chance to get away for a few days occasionally.

Just know u are not alone - we on this board understand and will not judge. I ended up crying all morning because of similar situation. In the end we shouldn't worry what other people think - if we do our best - that's all anyone can ask!