He is stubborn and very set in his ways and I'm afraid my marriage will end. He is getting dementia and significant memory loss. Part of me wants to care for him but I want my freedom to do things I like doing with my husbsnd. He says this now but the next day he'll forget he ever mentioned it. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm in my 50s and I'm very happy with my husband, we have no kids. Also my father is very negative about everything and very religious. Even though we have a close bond, he is getting more opinionated and judgemental as he's getting older. My mother is dead and I know he misses her and keeps saying he'll be dead soon.

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I was very fortunate in that my mother moved in with me before I met and married my husband. He knew she was there, and was thus prepared for her presence in our home; however, as time went on and Mom's needs increased, he was the one who raised the issue of what Mom's demands on my time and emotional health were doing to our marriage.

As others have said, you owe it to yourself to preserve your marriage and live your own life. It sounds like your dad will need specialized care as he gets older, and your home isn't the place for that.

Also, you'll have to deal with the parent/child thing, which is really uncomfortable and causes a great deal of stress. Your dad will treat you like an adult on one day, and like a little kid the next. Trust me, you don't want to get on that roller coaster.

Find a good facility nearby where he can transition to memory care if necessary. Visit him often, and assure him that you still love him, and that this is the best way you can show that love. He might accept that, or he might not - but either way, you will have done your part.
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Reply to PeeWee57

No! Things will get much worse over the years
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Reply to MACinCT

Do not move your father into your home.
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Reply to BlackHole

Take it from someone who did, your marriage WILL suffer and suffer greatly. Your life will be consumed by caring for him which will leave you feeling trapped and without a life.
Don’t do it, I know you have the best intentions but so did most of us that did this. My husband and I did not have kids either but he became the sole bread winner, while I watched my career slowly dissapear and my mental and physical conditions became worse.
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Reply to Rainey69

NO! Caring for your dad away from your home is hard enough. Allowing your father to live in your home could put yourself into serious physical, mental, and emotional harm, not to mention your husband's and marriage.

Your dad could last for years...YEARS. I strongly recommend not to allow him to move into your home. I was my mom's live-in caregiver in her home for 13 months and it terribly damaged my health. Round-the-clock care is HARD. Your stamina and sleep will fade and your health will suffer. His condition will worsen.

You're NOT selfish to resist this. You must care for yourself and your husband first. Your dad may not want Assisted Living but he needs it--that's huge difference. Start now with mentally conditioning him about a move to AL and that he will not come into your home.
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Reply to MountainMoose

I am married with no kids, age 51. My parents are a miserable mess, my dad is now in a memory care facility and mom lives alone down the street from me. She is not doing well on her own and really leans on me A LOT. It's starting to affect my career and my marriage. Maybe I am selfish also, but I'm not getting any younger myself and I had goals and dreams I have been working toward for decades. Handling my parents' affairs has tied me down for the past several years and there is always some sort of drama or emergency...just when I'm about to do something for myself or get out of town for just 2-3 days. My husband and I are starting to fight like we never did before as he is growing weary of waiting around for me to be free to fully live life. I would strongly suggest to do whatever you can to keep your life apart from your dad's. For me, after several years of this situation, I am starting to feel as if it's "them or me", as they have been a weight around my neck for years and it only gets worse every, single, year.....
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Reply to Upstream

Thanks jo. He has very strange ideas about money and would rather pay me and disrupt my life than someone he doesn't know. I don't care about money. I'd rather he didn't leave me a cent. He's always mollycoddled me.
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Reply to Axelle
BlackHole Feb 17, 2019
Your father’s attitude is very common. Ignore it.

Live YOUR life and nuture YOUR marriage.

Dad has options. He’s putting you in the hot seat as a power play. (Coddling is control move, too.)

You were not born to be his old-age trophy.

You are a caring daughter. And you will continue to be a caring daughter while Dad pays for professional in-home assistance. Or while Dad is in residential care.

Do not cave to Dad’s emotional manipulation. You’ve always been close to him, so you know that this is “where he goes.” Ignore it.

Love him without strings, and love him without being a servant.

BTW - If Dad is not OK with that, it’s his problem. Not yours. (((big hugs)))
NO! You answered your own question. Your marriage will suffer. Stubborn and set in his ways is the other problem. Even though its your home,, always in his mind your the child.

If he can pay you to care for him, maybe he can go to an Assisted living.
Just tell him what you said here. Sorry Dad but I just got married and you know how that is, we are still in the honeymoon stage and getting to know each other. You remember how that is?

Check out ALs in your area. I would try to find one where they have a separate Memory Care unit. Dad could start out on one side and transition into memory care.
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Reply to JoAnn29

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