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having tried divorce, 2 times previously, before his illnesses, because of verbal and emotional abuse over a large number of years, the spouse now has vascular dementia, exasperated because of refusal to take care of his self, He has diabetes, had open heart surgery, stage 4 prostrate cancer matasized, having 3 strokes with seizures, and numerous other life threatening health issues.He is on numerous meds too. He always has been a jeckel and hyde person, sweet to others, and a monster to me his spouse, now he is still the same only magnified 100 fold, the ongoing disrespect is very difficult, as a caregiver to deal with. and now that he is unable to regain his former life, I am this awful controlling person (who however, sees to it all the bills are paid, the food is in the house and cooked, laundry etc. all taken care of for him)....the thought of going on the remaining few years I may have, living this way is enough to make me want to divorce him so I can perhaps have a bit of solice the rest of my days.Before my health goes down. Any suggestions?

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Rudy, see an attorney specializing in Elder Law. The specialty is critical. Such a lawyer can explain all your options and ways to protect any assets that can be protected.

I am sorry to say that many people who planned to leave a financial legacy for their children simple cannot maintain that plan in the face of serious illness. But a lawyer is your best bet for seeing that your wife has the care that she needs and that you are not impoverished.

And, yes, lawyers do cost money. But making serious mistakes can cost even more!
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My wife of 49 years is in early stage dementia. Over the last 6 months it has been difficult. I cannot give up on her as I love her despite the hurtful comments she makes. At times she makes me angry and confused abut what to do. LT care insurance is unavailable and unaffordable, cannot afford monthly assisted living costs but so many encounters with hospitals, police clearly means a change is coming and I need help dealing with what to do and when and help deciding how to protect some minimal assets already included in a estate plan with children(adults) who are beneficiaries. I don't want a divorce nor separation but I have my own health issues to deal with and want her protected. What can be done?
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My husband and i have separated for 8 years and we have a Separation Agreement dividing our assets. I hear he is now incompetent and going to a nursing home. will i be able to commence divorce proceedings given his condition?
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potpourrie33, see an elder law attorney. You can petition the court to have a guardian appointed other than yourself if he is mentally incompetent. The court can also recommend placement in a facility, but probably not assisted living.
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I am in the same boat and in addition to three kinds of dementia including Alzheimer's dementia he is an alcoholic, booze being responsible for some of his dementia. He drinks every afternoon until dinner is served him and then just anything will set him off and he calls me vile names. I am 83 and would like some peace before I die. I have been taking care of him throughout all of the 57 years I have been married to him but I am completely exhausted and deeply hurt. I do everything now and he does nothing. I would like to put him in assisted living but Washington state will only allow that if patient is willing. Obviously, he would not be and since he was a lawyer, guardianship is something he would not tolerate. I have power of attorney but goes only so far where I live. Can anyone help?
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My friend is going through the same thing. The Dr. contacted DMV and the letter came today saying his license is suspended. He went ballistic! He has well to do adult children within less than a hundred miles, they are not supportive at all. They sleep good at night, not my friend. Twice now he has put his biscuit in the microwave thinking he has set it for 4 mins. but it was 4 hrs. He walks away and forgets it. It's very early, she's asleep, the house fills up with smoke and the stink stays for days. He says he didn't do it and gets mad at her. This has been going on for about 3 yrs. and it's getting worse every day. She can't go out for fear he'll burn the house down. This man has never admitted to being wrong ever in his life and has never said he was sorry. Now on top of that, dementia.
Wow, more than I could handle, she has a wonderful daughter who lives upstate who visits and tries to give her a little peace when she can. All her friends are worried but what can we do?
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the fear in someone with early onset alz is a horrible thing and the knowledge that it will diminish memory going forward is un-describable. You are trying to hold on to today with a hope of peace for the future. To have a divorce suggested now only adds a final issue to deal with. After divorce the person with alz has less(no one) to count...as he will be less aware and motivation...without being aware its even happening. Interesting situation for said person ....
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2013!!! Oh, I see what has happened, my answers were for the original poster from 2013. However, the process server info is still the same.
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My husbands son is his poa. His son is in control of his money and house. I am his wife and they have put my husbands ss in another account and changed the locks in our home. I have filed for divorce because my husband is in nursing home and I don't have any money or home to live in. He is mad because I said I couldn't take care of him any more because of my health so he is taking everything away from me through his son which is poa. I have been told nursing facility wouldn't let him be served because he could be suicidal. My attorney is sending someone to serve him. I need a divorce in order to draw social security on my previous deceased spouse but my husband is fighting it and trying to delay it so I can't get money off of my deceased spouse. Popsicle
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See an attorney. After the divorce, you will not be allowed to be his POA, DPOA, REP-Payee for social security. There are other financial considerations, say, if you need his social security income to survive? How will you plan financially to pay for your home, the division of marital property, his proceeds going to pay for the nursing home? See a financial planner, and/or an attorney.
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IMOP, there has never been a good process server who could not get the job done. The server could make an appoinment and go in with you as a visitor.

The real issue is the legality of divorcing someone without the capacity for understanding or responding to the subpoena. Find out, because someone on here has the answer to that question.
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Sorry, I completely forgot that, at least in Michigan, service can be made by advertisement if personal service isn't available. The attorney who prepared the divorce pleadings should handle this as it has to be specific for time and publication.
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Facility won't let "who" serve him? A process server? Your husband must be in a closed ward or inaccessible, or in a facility that's completely locked.

If a process server can't get in, ask the divorce lawyer if he can get a sheriff's deputy to make service.
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I have been taking care of my husband for three years. He had a stroke and broke his pelvis. He is in a wheelchair and has lost control of his bowels. I had enough because he would not agree to go in nursing home. His son, now poa put him in nursing home, took social security, put it in another account and turned utilities off in house. I'm living with my mother that is 96. I have filed for divorce but the facility won't let them serve him. What do I do next?
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In addition to filing for divorce, you might want to contact your Area Agency on Aging http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx
and ask about public guardian services. Explain that you are filing for divorce, but want to ensure that he will be taken care of. If he has low income and few assets, once you have legally extricated yourself, apply for Medicaid for him--or better, the public guardian can do it. If he has assets, use them to pay someone to care for him until he qualifies for Medicaid. There is no reason you should have to take care of him under these circumstances.

Grace
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Call Adult Protective Services. Tell them you are no longer able to care for him and you need help extricating yourself from this situation while at the same time not just leaving him alone. You don't have to divorce him to live apart.

The way you've described his health condition, before you divorced him, he will have died.
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My husband is getting more and more that way...hard to get along with and is not very nice...he may have some dementia but hard to tell.. He pretty much has stopped doing anything. Does not help around the house and just lets the bills sit. I have slowly taken over just about everything. I wish he WAS in assisted living. I would leave but feel I'm stuck because if I leave, he would let everything go - the house, etc. which is a big investment and I can't just walk away from it. I keep hoping that he will go to AL soon as his health is really bad and he can barely walk. One fall and it would be over. But in the meantime, I have to put up with him.
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Some of dementia patients are easy to get along with. My husband is horrible to me. Before I realized it was dementia I had filed for divorce. I stopped the divorce as I figured it was the disease making him so awful. Bad mistake as he is verbally and physically abusive.He is presently in a nursing home and I leave in tears after visiting him. My emotional health is suffering and the money is going. I don't even care about the money as I just need peace of mind.He has other issues also as I think he is manic depressive and has OCD......
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Dolphinlover, you should post this on a new thread, tacking on to old ones always seems to get lots of answers for the original poster. I would think that an initial consult with a lawyer should not be too expensive and would help you decide the best options.
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Divorce could lead to protracted financial issues for you. You can get away from him and absolve yourself of his care through other means. From what you've said , he doesn't deserve you.
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I am writing for my Mother. Her husband, my stepfather, has Dementia. He has become verbally abusive and is starting on physical abuse. She is 83 and on a walker. Recently, she called the police on him and they transported him to the hospital. He was released the next day, due to his Son stating there was nothing wrong with him. My Mother had to go to my Sisters to live because she is afraid of her husband. The Department on Aging was called in and he was found to be incompanient. His daughter is staying with him and they have taken over my Mother's home because they will not put him in a Nursing Home. Now, the Son has filed to take over their finances. My Mother has Medical and Financial Power of Attorney for my Stepfather. She lives on a very fixed income and cannot afford to pay for attorneys. Any suggestions? Would it be better to get a divorce and let his kids handle everything? If so, can she sell the house and get her half out of it?
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You deserve a medal for staying with this awful person for as long as you have. From what you say, you've been emotionally abused for a very long time in the most devious, manipulative way imaginable. It's one thing if a guy is just an out and out jerk from the get-go, but the alternating sweetness and promises to reform followed by horrible behavior followed by pleas for forgiveness kept you off balance and indecisive about whether or not to stay in your nightmare of a marriage, amirite?
As a disinterested observer I'd say divorce him. Now. Don't wait around hoping that he'll die soon and save you the trouble and expense of divorcing him because he may surprise you and hang on for years. Horrible people have a way of doing that. It's as if their meanness gives them incredible staying power. There's a reason for the saying that only the good die young!
You don't "have to" take care of him. I doubt he'd do the same for you. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Don't worry about what people may say about you. From my experience, people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care too much about the actions of others. As for whatever vow you may have taken to stay together until one of you dies, that doesn't mean you should stick around after you've been physically or emotionally battered, or if your spouse becomes irrevocably insane, or goes on a tri-state killing spree, or cheats on you, or... the scenarios are endless, but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and exit stage right. From what you describe, that time is long overdue.
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Some folks see a Nursing Home on the horizon and think a divorce will preserve their assets. NOT SO. Medicaid does a five-year look back and a lopsided financial settlement will result in a denial of benefits.
Hospice is a better choice. They will get you help and better meds to make him calm and comfortable. Medicare covers Hospice.
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I won't opine on the morality issue. Whether this is the right thing to do is something only you can judge.

Of course you can divorce anyone. The complexity I would think would be division of assets and that someone represent him, as he is incapable of representing himself. Perhaps you need to see a lawyer, perhaps hubby needs to have a court appointed guardian. If you were going to get a court appointed guardian, maybe getting him in a home would be an alternative to divorce.
Can't plan on sister taking care of him without her consent, also, if I were sis and you dumped him on me, I would demand his portion of the assets, on his behalf to apply to his care.

Frankly with stage 4 cancer and the other list of ailments, is he nearing hospice? Is it worth paying the divorce lawyers at this stage of the game?

I would look into NH or hospice, to see what he is eligible for and that to the complexity of divorce. Any of these options allow you to detach from him.
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DeeEll, is that what you're worried about? What other people will think of you?

Do what you believe is the right thing. And if you cannot manage, you have every right to ask for help.
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My husband has dementia. For 2 years he has slowly gone into his own world. What little we have left in monies, I keep house in our home basement and rent the upstairs. We have our own rooms and a large main room. Soon I will have a kitchen. I am the person who does it all. The food, the medicine, the appointments, the bills and all the rest are my jobs. If I would divorce him how do I face the family?
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It doesn't sound like there is any legal barrier to your getting divorced. The other two times you simply changed your mind ... no one else stopped you.

If you are serious about divorce as an option, discuss it with a family law attorney.
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his sister? don't know, she had to take care of their mother with dementia...and
really has no idea of the severity of the situation of his health right now.
I am now checking on at the very least day care nearby, as a pre-requsite to a care facility.
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Does his sister want to take care of him?

What about assisted living, or a dementia care facility?
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First time I left..he followed me to another state..moved In With me....2nd time he convinced me our life would be better..I so wanted to believe it because I had never lived alone. .you see he is and always has been a charming-manipulator...selfish..controling..bi-polar type person. Now he has all these health issues and with the dementia ...he is more self serving. I don't love or even like this person anymore...and to now be forced to be his caregivers after all the years of verbal and emotional abuse..is affecting my health too....if not divorce..would it be so wrong to take him to another state where his sister can take care of him? That's the only other alternative!
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