Mom and Dad have recently moved to MC. Dad is sad and confused; Mom is angry. Mom can use her phone to text and sometimes call. Every text message to her children (5 of us) is horrible and abusive (she was doing this for 8 months before we moved them), and she sometimes calls at inappropriate times (6am). Dad doesn't call unless Mom pesters him into doing so and then he leaves heartbreaking messages.
I do not want our parents to feel any more isolated than they are already feeling, but I am close enough to visit in person every day. I have encouraged my siblings to block her number, but I have also been told that it's not good for Mom's brain to even be writing such awful things.
Do we take away the phone?
When we moved my FIL to SNF - we quickly discovered that he didn't really know how to use his phone as well as we thought. Having people at his is beck and call at home (SIL/BIL) 24/7 made using his phone a breeze, they could fix whatever he broke, make sure it was charged, or call me to ask questions if they didn't know what he had done. Once he was in the SNF, it was next to impossible to actually manage his phone and the first week he was there, he inadvertently deleted his entire contact list (a blessing in disguise as he liked to call his entire contact list at least once a month and tell anyone who answered a laundry list of untruths in an effort to get someone to come "rescue" him - contacts including people like the realtor who offered to buy his home, the last loan officer he worked with, a waitress at his favorite restaurant, the man who rear-ended him on the interstate, and other random people who were entered for one time needs who he decided were long time friends that he needed to call.
Once he deleted his contacts list - I told him I could not restore it, and just put a handful of numbers back, limited to family. That made things better for everyone else, but so much worse for us. Calls ramped up round the clock for all of us. I locked down his home screen so that he couldn't delete the contacts and the couple of apps he liked to use, removed the ability to search the internet, removed his ability to change his settings, elongated the touch screen so that he couldn't accidentally delete things and prevented him from going to anything but the home screen - but he still managed to mess his phone up within 5 minutes of us leaving after each visit. At least an hour of each visit was just me fixing his phone. He liked to watch Tiktok videos and Facebook Reels, but then he managed to start posting random Tiktoks. And then he started loaning his phone to his roommate who had his own phone taken aware by his family because he could no longer manage it, roommate's family blocked FIL's phone number and FIL and roomie started calling 911. Fun fact.. anytime you call 911 from a nursing home...they HAVE to send someone out.
So we did finally just have to take the phone away. We told him it was broken and that I was going to take it to the provider and get it looked at. He was already complaining about wanting a new one because he didn't get it plugged in half the time and the battery died.
Phone company just never got it fixed sadly.......
This is a simple matter of training.
As long as you accept these calls you will get these calls.
My Mom is almost 96, lives next door to me with moderate dementia and memory impairment, some pockets or paranoia, confusion. When she was forgetting how to use her appliances she would get out the owner's manuals and call their customer support lines and torture these people (and waste their time) with her accusations and confused conversations.
Eventually she broke her flip phone and I replaced it with a RAZ mobility phone. It looks like a smart phone but has no internet (so no texting). I control everything from an app on my phone. Her limited contacts are pictures of our family and a few close neighbors. She can call them and only them, they can call her. No other unauthorized caller can reach her (no scammers!) I limit the hours she can call people, except a few like me or my husband. It's been great and I'm happy I have it.
But in your Mom's case I don't think she will be able to adapt to a new device and there's always the chance she will lose it.
I agree to maybe discretely shut it off and then tell her it's broken and you have to take it in to get it fixed. Or any other therapeutic fib that you think she will accept.
My FIL called some provider service (we found out about this after the fact) and kept this poor woman on the phone for SEVEN HOURS. My BIL walked in on it at something like 3am when he and my SIL heard my FIL YELLING at someone and came into his bedroom to find him on the phone and took the phone away and this poor customer service rep explained that she had been trying to help my FIL for 7 hours and the call clock on my FIL 's phone showed that to be accurate as well. I do not know how this woman maintained her composure or frankly even why.
BIL said she was the kindest person he has ever talked to.
(Do NOT get your loved one with dementia started using this app...once they start, they may be like her and obsessively send out "join me on the Bible app" or "I wanted to share this...with you" texts, over and over again! It's impossible to stop this, as the app encourages it SO SO MUCH!... unless you delete the app and then they may be able to just download it again.)
While Mom lived with us, we eventually started putting away her phone each night so she wouldn't stay up using it (causing her to be super tired the next day) and of course that also stopped her from bothering people who didn't always know a random text was coming there way and weren't prepared by having her number blocked yet. So the phone went into my bedroom and then I would return it in the mornings.
But then the time came when it was just easier to keep it put away unless she asked for it or if it was a time when we could keep an eye on her with it. And when she entered Memory Care, we didn't bring the phone since she would certainly misplace it at that point. Thankfully, she hasn't asked for it since. But if we had placed her at an earlier point in her dementia, she would likely have been looking for it and asking for it constantly.
For the longest time, the issue of scam texts/calls, cold-caller solar salesmen, texted requests for donations, and random online purchases was more frustrating and alarming than the texting/sending out of Bible app messages. We changed the settings so that only "known" numbers could come through and my husband blocked her most frequented purchase sites through our network (you have to be techy to do that, though). We also ended up hiding her credit card (letting her know we'd get it out anytime she needed it...and eventually she did forget about it after several months). At first she could still remember the cc number though, and that caused some problems. But eventually the number was forgotten. We froze her credit so she (and also no one else) could apply for loans (which did happen once before she moved in with us) or open new credit cards, etc.
I suggest turning off data from her phone, at the very least. Then all you have left to worry about is the random calls and texts, not anything financial (unless she gives out that info from memory, over the phone). But the day will come when you realize it's just too much for her (and you) and the phone will have to go. Giving her a "senior phone" like some have mentioned, which have a super limited list of contacts and other features...that could be a great solution if she's willing. But definitely tell everyone to block (or simply set her customized ring to "silent") her calls and just give her a call whenever it's convenient for them.
Have you asked the staff and/or her doctor about meds for her anger? She might be a great candidate for something that could calm her.
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