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Hi friends, I'm running out of words, reasons, and excuses to give to my mother who is absolutely determined to leave her MC facility and go back home. Brief background -- Mom is 79 with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, bipolar disorder, psychosis...you get the picture. She was living in another state (my home state), about 11 hours away until a year and a half ago when I became her POA/legal guardian after a dangerous psychiatric incident. Prior to that, my family and I could see the writing on the wall and tried to help her make plans for senior care, but she flatly refused to ever address the growing problem. So -- We moved her closer to me and she easily qualified as a candidate for MC. No complaints with the facility at all; they seem to be taking great care of her and even my difficult mother has very few issues with the place. My mother's cognitive abilities are a bit unusual in that her short-term memory is almost blown, as well as any logic or reasoning, yet she is still able to piece together intricate "plans" that involve the family (texting them to elicit their help, which they won't do, thank goodness) so she can leave the facility. Now -- we all know the facility is secure and she could never just walk out of there, but pacifying her with "Let's try staying here a little longer" or "My schedule is too booked to take you to the airport/back to your home state" just fly right by her. I've even gone scorched earth, saying "I'm sorry Mom, but no. Your cognitive and physical capabilities no longer allow you to travel on your own, and I'm not equipped to handle your meds and incontinence for an extended amount of time;" as well as "You legally require 24/7 care. If you're out on your own, someone will call Adult Protective Services and then you might become a ward of the State. Do you really want that?" Her response to that is "So are you going to give me my credit card so I can buy a plane ticket or not?" Unbelievable! It's such a wild situation that I'm actually laughing as I see all of this in writing now. Have any of you dealt with this; and if you did, any advice on what else I can say? Thanks!

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Lately my dad has been doing the same thing. The last time I visited him he said he wishes he could go home and he actually had an attitude with me because he said this-" See how that lady is helping her mother get in the car?" He said it with an attitude. Just about each time I talk to him on the phone now he says he wishes he could go home. I usually just try changing the subject or reminding him how well taken care of he is at his facility. Deep down I think he still tries to plot ways to leave with friends/family that will listen to him. I would just continue to try explaining to her why she is there although I know their mind is different. It is just a tough situation.
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ShanSea Mar 13, 2025
I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing. It's super challenging, isn't it! Thank you for your advice.
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You can't reason with her because her brain is malfunctioning. How is she when you aren't there? Some seniors in facilities are content and reasonable with the staff and other residents but are triggered when their family members arrive because they think they should be able to persuade the family member to take them home, just as you think you should be able to persuade her to stay. If that's the case, then it might be best to decrease your visits, at least for a while.

Have you talked with the medical staff about medications to calm her down? Those might help also.
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ShanSea Mar 12, 2025
Thanks for your response. Our mom is surprisingly reserved and "behaved" with the MC staff, for the most part, although they have to redirect her at times. It's really only with my sister, myself, and a few other family members does she come unhinged with her demands. Decreasing our contact for the time being, like you said, sounds wise.

Surprisingly, the MC director recently upped her psyche meds, and it unfortunately hasn't helped the situation much. We contacted them today to start the conversation about next steps.
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I would tell her when the doctor gives you a letter that she can go home you will take it under consideration, the doctor will never do this.

Or, just tell her the truth and leave it at that, the facility is her new home.
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Your mother is not competent.
There is no reason to lie here, but if you insist on doing it you are kind of left with no option but to put it off another day, and when you run out of 352 excuses you cycle back to number one.

I would be honest. I would explain that while she doesn't understand it (and doesn't have to) the fact is that she has been adjudged by her doctors and medical team as incompetent to be along because of hazard to herself. And that this, where she is now, is home. And while you grieve that with her, you cannot change it. And while you understand her grief, you can do little but tell her that you are very sorry it has come to this, but it HAS and it WILL NOT CHANGE".

You are not and cannot be responsible for her happiness.
I doubt she has EVER been completely happy, and you cannot make it so now.
You can grieve with her, just making certain you do not slip into the OTHER g-word which is guilt. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. And not everything CAN be fixed.

Sadly it is pretty much that simple. And the longer it is put off the more uncomfortable you will be with the lies that you KNOW full well are lies. It is denying her the only dignity she has left, and that being that she deserves the simple truth.
I wish you both the very best of luck and am so sorry for all you're going through.
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ShanSea Mar 12, 2025
This is really good - thank you so much for your sound advice.
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Great advice -- thank you!
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You keep blaming her doctor: "Your Doctor says when you can demonstrate all your ADLs then they will re-assess your situation. I'm sorry, it's out of our hands." Then change the subject and don't return to it.

And, do not call or visit her in the afternoons, when elders tend to "sundown" and fixate on "going home" -- which is actually the home of their youth, not their last residence.
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ShanSea Mar 12, 2025
Great words - thank you!
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