Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

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I am so upset, my husband just told me my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. He told me me that my mother living with us is just not working out and we have to tell her that she has to leave? I have to choose my mom or him.

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There is always a solution. Contact an aging care group in your area to help you find a place for her. Then visit her there. If she is able to get around, etc, she will make friends. I've always felt seniors are best off being with people their age, with similar values and interests rather than two generations clashing in the same house. I tried living with Mom for 2 years - disaster!
I understand how you feel, you love your mother, but your husband comes first. My husband told me he would never live with my mother because she is so negative and antsy. I understood all too well as I couldn't live with her again either.
You must have a life of your own and having your mother with you is obviously interfering with your husband's happiness.
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jeanne dysfunction is global I think but some cultures mask it. In actual fact it is this site that enables many of us to continue caring for nasty mean vindictive narcissistic cruel vile horrendous violent abusive (pick any one or more if you need to) parents.

From the perspective of what I have seen on here (a lot) it is fine for the wife to be all lovey dovey and kind and say yes of course she can live with us. Then comes the bombshell - MIL falls sick ....who gets the role of looking after her - wifey because of course darling I will give up my job - you earn more.

MIL doesn't get better gets worse.....of course I will look after her darling... you can do the shopping for us can't you? Oh you can't well no worries I will do it on line ..love you.

MIL gets very difficult to handle and wife can't manage on her own. Darling I need a break sweet yes I know we can't take Mum but she could go into respite...yes I know it's expensive but its worth it so we can have some us time.....OK honey I will hire someone to come in and clean.......muttering I would have preferred a holiday.

It doesn't take long for relationships to disintegrate, even the best ones.
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PCVS, we know absolutely nothing about this relationship beyond the statement that the wife hates the MIL. We don't know why. We don't know the circumstances of the original family. Were they a Normal Rockwell model family, or highly dysfunctional. Was there abuse? We certainly don't know enough to judge the wife as selfish. At least I don't.

Of course this site has more than average dysfunctional situations. We are hurting one way or another when we come here. That is often because of family conflict. AgingCare does not proportionately represent all adults with elderly parents! It represents the ones who are seeking help.

Just out of curiosity, were the grandparents who shared your home seriously ill? Cancer? Dialysis? Dementia? COPD? Where do you live. Your profile doesn't say and I know the form makes it hard for non-US folks to register that.
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I don't understand these spouses who are so selfish that they have no affection for their in-laws. I realize that some parents are less than loving, but this site seems overrun with these kinds of complaints. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but I grew up with at least one grandparent living with us at any time.

That said, I know there can be intractable situations and you want to do the best for all involved. Make sure you do the best for yourself, too.
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Adam, just to piggyback on what Jeanne said, there is a mechanism called a Miller Trust in some states or a pooled income trust in others. It can be set up by an eldercare attorney so that the SS monies that put your mom out of Medicaid's income guidelines can be put into a trust that is paid to the state ( that's my layman's understanding of it). Of course, if your mother has savings and investments, those need to get used for her care first.
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Adam, what would happen if Mother had no children? What if you had predeceased her? Would she be living under a highway overpass in a cardboard box now?

Who have you discussed financial aid for her with? I suggest contacting some or all of these folks: Human Services (ask for a needs assessment), your state's Aging and Adult Administration, and a lawyer specializing in Elder Law (the specialty is critical).

In my state, if your SS is too high to qualify for full benefit then you pay a monthly deductible for in-home help. It is not all or nothing here. I really don't know how they do it in Arizona, but I hope you are checking this out thoroughly before concluding there is just no help.

Does your mother have savings or assets, in addition to a too-high SS? Could she afford a year or two as self-pay in a care center, and then be qualified for Medicaid when her savings run out?

I am sorry that your wife hates your mother. Is the feeling mutual?

You are in an extremely tight place between a rock and a hard place. And I know it feels like you "simply have no choice." But that is almost never true. You have choices. Not the choices you would have asked for, for sure, but choices nevertheless.

I think the first thing you have to do is find out what the real options are for your mother's care. If you have already talked to the social agencies, now it is time to see a lawyer.
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I am currently the only possible caregiver for my sick aging mother, She has lung cancer and is on dialysis due to kidney failure. My wife hates her but there is no other place that mom can go. Her insurance will not cover long term nursing facilities and her social security is too much to get state aid. I fear there is no way to keep my marriage and care for mom but I simply have no choice. HELP
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sandreaa555, I wrote a response last night, but today it is not here. mmmmmmmm I am lost as to why your husband will not even discuss your mother moving into ya'lls house. Is there an objective third party ya'll could meet with or a respected friend or sibling who can find out what is going on in his head. Does your husband have any idea what he thinks where his MIL should be other than your house?


On the other hand what plans do you have for making sure she's cared for and safe in her home now? How would those change upon moving her home. Do both of you work outside of the home? Do you have any children at home? If you have a job outside of the home, will you keep it or leave it and can your family really afford you doing that? What was the basis or diagnosis from the doctor that led to this determination that living at home alone is not safe and did the doctor say anything about a nursing home? Nursing homes today aren't quite like the 'old folks poor house' of your dad's generation. Is your mother's health such that she could go to assisted living?

In my own case my wife and I agree that her mother will not come here due to the psychological abuse from her mother that my wife has spent years in therapy overcoming. I've known for years that my MIL hates me as well as the fact that my wife and I are still married after 23 years. My mother's health condition is such that she is way beyond any home care for her and she is thus in a nursing home. There is more to this, but that gets complicated.

One last question. Have you and your husband had any trouble in the past talking about something important that he says what he thinks but will not discuss the possibility of ideas from others? If so, that says a lot. I wish you well.
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I can't imagine a spouse so cold-hearted that he/she would not consider welcoming an in-law into the home. When I was four my maternal grandmother died and my grandfather, who was deaf-blind (Usher's Syndrome) came to live with us. He and my father didn't always get along (there were definite disagreements) but there was never any question that my grandfather was a fixture, not just a part, of our family.

Is there some reason your husband doesn't like her? Is she compos mentis? Is she a danger to anyone else?
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I'm going thru this similar situation. I had promised my dad many years ago that I would never let mom go to a "home". Now, I'm faced with the fact that she isn't safe living alone at home any more & although I really want her to come & live with us, at least to give it a try, my husband won't even talk about it. any ideas?
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