Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

There is always a solution. Contact an aging care group in your area to help you find a place for her. Then visit her there. If she is able to get around, etc, she will make friends. I've always felt seniors are best off being with people their age, with similar values and interests rather than two generations clashing in the same house. I tried living with Mom for 2 years - disaster!
I understand how you feel, you love your mother, but your husband comes first. My husband told me he would never live with my mother because she is so negative and antsy. I understood all too well as I couldn't live with her again either.
You must have a life of your own and having your mother with you is obviously interfering with your husband's happiness.

jeanne dysfunction is global I think but some cultures mask it. In actual fact it is this site that enables many of us to continue caring for nasty mean vindictive narcissistic cruel vile horrendous violent abusive (pick any one or more if you need to) parents.

From the perspective of what I have seen on here (a lot) it is fine for the wife to be all lovey dovey and kind and say yes of course she can live with us. Then comes the bombshell - MIL falls sick ....who gets the role of looking after her - wifey because of course darling I will give up my job - you earn more.

MIL doesn't get better gets worse.....of course I will look after her darling... you can do the shopping for us can't you? Oh you can't well no worries I will do it on line ..love you.

MIL gets very difficult to handle and wife can't manage on her own. Darling I need a break sweet yes I know we can't take Mum but she could go into respite...yes I know it's expensive but its worth it so we can have some us time.....OK honey I will hire someone to come in and clean.......muttering I would have preferred a holiday.

It doesn't take long for relationships to disintegrate, even the best ones.

PCVS, we know absolutely nothing about this relationship beyond the statement that the wife hates the MIL. We don't know why. We don't know the circumstances of the original family. Were they a Normal Rockwell model family, or highly dysfunctional. Was there abuse? We certainly don't know enough to judge the wife as selfish. At least I don't.

Of course this site has more than average dysfunctional situations. We are hurting one way or another when we come here. That is often because of family conflict. AgingCare does not proportionately represent all adults with elderly parents! It represents the ones who are seeking help.

Just out of curiosity, were the grandparents who shared your home seriously ill? Cancer? Dialysis? Dementia? COPD? Where do you live. Your profile doesn't say and I know the form makes it hard for non-US folks to register that.

I don't understand these spouses who are so selfish that they have no affection for their in-laws. I realize that some parents are less than loving, but this site seems overrun with these kinds of complaints. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but I grew up with at least one grandparent living with us at any time.

That said, I know there can be intractable situations and you want to do the best for all involved. Make sure you do the best for yourself, too.

Adam, just to piggyback on what Jeanne said, there is a mechanism called a Miller Trust in some states or a pooled income trust in others. It can be set up by an eldercare attorney so that the SS monies that put your mom out of Medicaid's income guidelines can be put into a trust that is paid to the state ( that's my layman's understanding of it). Of course, if your mother has savings and investments, those need to get used for her care first.

Adam, what would happen if Mother had no children? What if you had predeceased her? Would she be living under a highway overpass in a cardboard box now?

Who have you discussed financial aid for her with? I suggest contacting some or all of these folks: Human Services (ask for a needs assessment), your state's Aging and Adult Administration, and a lawyer specializing in Elder Law (the specialty is critical).

In my state, if your SS is too high to qualify for full benefit then you pay a monthly deductible for in-home help. It is not all or nothing here. I really don't know how they do it in Arizona, but I hope you are checking this out thoroughly before concluding there is just no help.

Does your mother have savings or assets, in addition to a too-high SS? Could she afford a year or two as self-pay in a care center, and then be qualified for Medicaid when her savings run out?

I am sorry that your wife hates your mother. Is the feeling mutual?

You are in an extremely tight place between a rock and a hard place. And I know it feels like you "simply have no choice." But that is almost never true. You have choices. Not the choices you would have asked for, for sure, but choices nevertheless.

I think the first thing you have to do is find out what the real options are for your mother's care. If you have already talked to the social agencies, now it is time to see a lawyer.

I am currently the only possible caregiver for my sick aging mother, She has lung cancer and is on dialysis due to kidney failure. My wife hates her but there is no other place that mom can go. Her insurance will not cover long term nursing facilities and her social security is too much to get state aid. I fear there is no way to keep my marriage and care for mom but I simply have no choice. HELP

sandreaa555, I wrote a response last night, but today it is not here. mmmmmmmm I am lost as to why your husband will not even discuss your mother moving into ya'lls house. Is there an objective third party ya'll could meet with or a respected friend or sibling who can find out what is going on in his head. Does your husband have any idea what he thinks where his MIL should be other than your house?


On the other hand what plans do you have for making sure she's cared for and safe in her home now? How would those change upon moving her home. Do both of you work outside of the home? Do you have any children at home? If you have a job outside of the home, will you keep it or leave it and can your family really afford you doing that? What was the basis or diagnosis from the doctor that led to this determination that living at home alone is not safe and did the doctor say anything about a nursing home? Nursing homes today aren't quite like the 'old folks poor house' of your dad's generation. Is your mother's health such that she could go to assisted living?

In my own case my wife and I agree that her mother will not come here due to the psychological abuse from her mother that my wife has spent years in therapy overcoming. I've known for years that my MIL hates me as well as the fact that my wife and I are still married after 23 years. My mother's health condition is such that she is way beyond any home care for her and she is thus in a nursing home. There is more to this, but that gets complicated.

One last question. Have you and your husband had any trouble in the past talking about something important that he says what he thinks but will not discuss the possibility of ideas from others? If so, that says a lot. I wish you well.

I can't imagine a spouse so cold-hearted that he/she would not consider welcoming an in-law into the home. When I was four my maternal grandmother died and my grandfather, who was deaf-blind (Usher's Syndrome) came to live with us. He and my father didn't always get along (there were definite disagreements) but there was never any question that my grandfather was a fixture, not just a part, of our family.

Is there some reason your husband doesn't like her? Is she compos mentis? Is she a danger to anyone else?

I'm going thru this similar situation. I had promised my dad many years ago that I would never let mom go to a "home". Now, I'm faced with the fact that she isn't safe living alone at home any more & although I really want her to come & live with us, at least to give it a try, my husband won't even talk about it. any ideas?

Gosh I was confused. I see from your profile that it is your mum not your mil and she has Alz. I so agree that things will only get worse so some other arrangements need to be investigated and acted upon. It is not fair or healthy that you and your hubby have no privacy. To get a break, can you discuss it and work it out with your siblings to take over for you soon for a little while and then also have a family meeting to discuss future plans? I see that your mum has lost a son and you have lost a brother which only complicates things and certainly causes more stress for the whole family. (((((hugs))))).

If Alzheimer's is the cause of your mother not being able to be left alone, sallyruth, then, as cmagnum points out, things are only going to get worse. I would suggest that you and your many siblings decide which care facility your mother is going to enter and get on with moving her in if at all possible. I would think you will have to do this at some point anyway so it would be better to do it before your husband is driven to forcing you to make a choice between your mother (and all the family) and him. If you chose your mother, what would your life be like after she is gone? Maybe until your mother is placed in a care facility, the family members that are always visiting and giving you and your husband little privacy could look after your mother for a few days every so often so that you and your husband could go off on some sort of a holiday. And if you can't afford a holiday, why don't you and your husband, when the family comes over, at least leave the house for a bit of private time together. It may be fun for you to be with your family all the time but he is getting tired of it and wants some privacy so his needs have to be considered too.

Sallyruth, your mom's Alzheimer's is only going to get worse to the point that it will be impossible to be her caretaker 24/7. A nursing home might just have to be a viable option for her safety and care plus your own well being as well as your marriage. That way no one gets thrown under the bus. Right now it sounds like you are right under the middle of the bus and your husband is about to get hit by a tire. I wish ya'll the best in this overwhelming and complicated situation.

Sallyruth, could you please tell the rest of us why your mom can't be alone? What are her problems? If we learn this, maybe some of us will be able to offer a few possible solutions to your dilemma.

Can some one be hired to help take care of your mil? You say she can't be left alone. Does she have a medical condition that requires her to have someone with her all the time? My mother lived in her own well into her 90's. Maybe it is time for her to consider a ALF or senior's facility of some kind. It is great that mum is willing for the two of you to move out. It is not clear to me why you feel you cannot move out. Really your marriage has to come first,

I also am in a similiar situation. My father passed away 4 yrs ago, and so my husband & I both decided to move back home. His dad was pretty ill at the time. Well, to make a long story short - my husband didn't think moving in with mom at the time would end up being a long term thing. Well I never thought about it, any how she is 81 and very co-dependant. She is GREAT about not getting in our business/relationship. However, we are a big family with lots of nieces & nephews. So we always have people over, we lived alone for like 8 yrs. before moving in with mom. My husband is an only child, where I have 1 sister & 5 brothers, He is getting very bothered by our lack of privacy, and mom has told us if we want to move out to feel free. But at the same time she can't be alone and my brothers & sister help when they can. But none will move in, and I'm stuck in the middle as well. I haven't gotten an " me or your mom", but it;s getting there. So not sure what advise to give you. BUt be strong & have faith that something will work out. Thats what I am doing, Good Luck, Sally

I should ad the "snippy ness" was way out of character for him. I was worried me may be sick and not tellingme.

Ics Yes, my husband is a very caring and awesome guy. My friends envy me. Just the other day I told him he was getting a little snippy with me. He felt so bad and said it was just things at his business and he didn't mean to take them out on me especially after all I am going through with caregiving. He was totally remorse. Then I felt bad about mentioning, but I needed to let him know that my stress really needs me to have a soft place to land. I am lucky. Thank you for your kind words Ics.

golfbhard, I SHOULD also have said HE was even smarter to marry YOU!!! :-)

golfbhard, perhaps the reason your husband would never make you choose between himself and your mother is : 1) because he had grandparents living with him when he was growing up; 2) because he took care of his mother as long as he could and you went on DATES together!!! to visit his mother when she was in a NH; 3) he knows you well enough to understand what you would say if he made you make a choice. I would say your husband is a very caring, very understanding, smart man!! You were smart to date him!!!

My husband would NEVER make me make that choice. He is supportive and knows I am doing what I need to do to live with myself. My mom is 92 and I know she will not be around forever. As long as I can physically take care of her I will. It's hard, I'm stressed, depressed, lonely and lost the life I had before, but I know when it is over I have not turned my back on her and she never turned her back on me. I vent, sometimes feel like hanging myself but my loving husband holds me and worries about me and keeps me going. He too had grandparents living with him when he was growing up. He took care of his mother as long as he could before the NH and he visited her every Friday night and she wasn't in the same area - she was put halfway between him and his brother so they could both visit and have the same distance. I went with him every Friday and we were just dating.
If my husband would say that I would say "don't let the door hit you on the way out".

I'd like to point out that from the age of 4 years, I grew up with parents and at least one grandparent in the home. I agree that culture is a big influence.

I also wonder IF an adult child DOES end up choosing a parent over a mate, that there hadn't been a lot of dissatisaction in the marriage over the years. People who are in a "good" marriage would find a solution that did not mean choosing between mate and parent. This is what kinnella and her husband and mother were able to do in the end. I hope the solution is still working for them.

I am wondering if the background culture of the family makes a difference as to how the elderly are treated within a family. Some cultures respect people of old age whereas in the western culture, the aim seems to be that we should all try to look young so that we still have some "standing" in society - hence the existence of most of the cosmetic surgery, the cosmetics, the drugs (like Viagra) etc.

I also make time for my family and make sure their needs are not neglected. There is always a way and people always make excuses for why things can't be done...My whole thing is shut up and find a way. I'm tried of excuses from people who wash away their obligations to their parents. Do I sound bitter? maybe a little because my sister and I have taken most of the responsibility for ours over the years when there were alot of us. I'm so happy I have a supportive spouse I am blessed to have him. If people were more SELFLESS than SELFISH...the world would be a better place. It's sad that this country's cultural view shoves the elderly into the shadows while the rest of the world reveres them. I'm born and raised American and attitudes like the one described about the husband really boil my blood.

wow I must be tired. Case in point-----I'm taking care of my dad today at this home and my husband stayed home. He understands. STuff like that infuriates me sorry. I'd do the same thing for my mother or father-in-law.

My husband never had problems with either of my parents living with us. They let us live with them when were first starting out before we got our first home. He was very loved of my mother and loves my father. I feel very bad for the person who posted this. I think her husband is being selfish. Sorry. People may not agree with me but I think people owe it to their parents for bringing them into this world. And if you marry someone, their parents become your parents. I take a hardline on this.

I would ask him why and what you could do to compromise...marriage is always compromise. If he won't ---get to steppin!

I apologize, Jeanne. I did not think about Kerri Cranston's post. I'll go back and review that post, and perhaps have a clearer picture at what was being said.
Norene

I did not mean to imply that you shouldn't be responding to a year-old question. I was just trying to clarify that most of the recent comments were not regarding the old post, but to kerricranston, who posted a few days ago. Did I come across as saying people shouldn't jump in anytime? That was not my intention at all. I certainly don't hesitate to jump in. :)

Jeanne, Regardless of who posts to whom, I think most of us merely comment or give suggestions to the person seeking advice or help.
Crowmagnum has been around for a long while on this site, and we appreciate his insight. He can jump in anytime and so can all of us. I do hope that Kinella has solved her problem by now.