MOm has alzheimers and recently ordered something over the phone that was costly and she didn't need- she is 86 and it was anti-wrinkle treatment system. She later tried to cancel it but couldn't get through and neither could I so we were just going to send it back when it came. Instead, she opened it, not remembering now that she had ordered it-swearing she didn't order it. Now she wants to move into a smaller duplex in the same area we live in to save $100.00 a month in rent, not realizing how much it will cost to move her and she will have to move again at some point when she no longer can stay alone. We were going to move in together, she forgot all about that and changes every day what she is going to do. The other part of the equasion is that I have a sister that is here also that I am sure puts ideas in mom's head but denies it to me. From her (the sister) history she can't be believed. She is extremely jealous of the relationship I have with Mom and I know she takes any opportunity she can to try to come between us because Mom has told me things that the sister has said that were either not true or non of her business to tell. I feel like I am going crazy, trying to help Mom and trying to make sure the sister isn't working with me. She know I have the power of attorney and I know that she is very mad about that. She acts so nice, but she never misses an opportunity to go behind my back and undermine any plans Mom and I have talked about.

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How do I get a legal POA to begin with? Do I need a doctor's recommendation and a lawyer?
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if a parent has begining stages of dementia, but not being diagnosed with it, and living with a sibling who is stealing her blind what king of power does the othe sibling have who has poa and lives in another state
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What kind of power of attorney do I need for my mother to sign for me to be able to sign and make all decisions.
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You need a POA for both medical & financial. I have both & took the original to the bank to add my name to my dad's accounts. My sister has access to view my dad's accounts & criticizes the $$ I spend for him. My dad lives with us & my sister is jealous that I have POA. I only communicate with her about my dad & that is done thru email & text only, so I have written proof of what is said. I do keep her updated on his health & send her pictures daily. My dad did the same things you are talking about. He bought a mobile home, paid too much & ending up losing several thousand $$. Perhaps she should no longer live alone & was bored when she bought the cream. If she moves in with you & she can afford it, you deserve compensation. That doesn't mean you lover her any less. Good luck! Did the cream work? I could use some :)
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My parents made up a Trust with an attorney many years ago. My father died in 2006 and we did not make any changes until 2010 when we took him off of everything and spoke to the attorney about who should be given POA. She first chose my oldest sister, I objected and told the attorney and my mother that I felt I should be given it, as I have taken care of her finances for 8 years and I am her 24/7 caregiver. I went on to tell them how said sister, had been using Mom's accounts to pay off her dental bills, car repairs, etc and had never paid back a cent she has EVER BORROWED as well as the fact that she had stopped paying one cent into the household bills, leaving myself and my Mom to foot the bill for everything and she was the one working a job!

The attorney asked to speak to my Mom alone and she agreed to give it to me. My older sister was furious and has made my life a living h*ll! She does nothing to help with the house, property or is my punishment for taking DPOA!

I believe everyones best bet is to seek the assistance of an attorney to get the DPOA for Finances and Healthcare. The person (my Mom) has to be of sound mind and be willing to give it to you. If they are not of sound mind nor willing to give it to you then you have to seek guardianship or conservator-ship. These require that you go to court and have her doctors sign documents stating that she is no longer of sound mind and is in need of assistance. I understand this can be long, drawn out and expensive, although I have never done it.

Keep in mind when you do become DPOA there is a lot of responsibility to it. The money you are in charge of is NOT YOURS, it cannot be spent on you, you normally cannot be paid for being a POA OR DPOA. You have to make sure that their money is spent on paying for taking care of them and all medical expenses. You cannot fly out the family to visit with granny on grannys dime. You cannot buy a new car for yourself so you can drive Mom to her doctor appointments, you cannot pay for your new house or your childs education with their money....EVERY CENT HAS TO BE USED ON THEM FOR THEIR MEDICAL AND REASONABLE LIVING EXPENSES....NOTHING MORE! If you decide to dip your fingers into their bank accounts be aware that you can and should be prosecuted for stealing from them. If you have siblings then you need to make all expenses, debts and savings information available to each of them so everyone knows you are on the up and up and not stealing. You must keep good records of all expenditures. It is not easy, it is not fun but if you want to protect the ones you love then you will do it. Sometimes they have to be protected from themselves and as their DPOA you have to just step in and tell them you are taking over. My DPOA did not require that I get permission or a court order from anyone, mine was immediate, others may state that it is only after they have developed a disease or illness that has rendered them incompetent. Stepping in and taking over is not easy either, they will fight you over this as you are taking something away from them. You however know that you are saving them from being taken advantage of is why you are doing this. You have to have a "thick skin!"

Another problem is with the banks you deal with. Although your DPOA is a legal document and valid, not all banks will accept them. I fought with the Bank of America and they flat out refused to accept it. You literally have to sue them to get them to accept your documents! Many, many banks do this so beware!

Also beware that if they should become ill enough and have to go into a nursing home, you will most likely require the help of Medicaid/Medi Cal to pay the enormous bills. Before they will allow your loved one to sign up or them pay one cent towards a medical bill, they will do a 5 year look back and they will require that you show them where every single cent was spent, if you blew it, they will not pay a dime and you will find yourself responsible for grannys medical bills!!!

I am 60 years old, and what this all has taught me is that although I am taking care of my mother's affairs, I need to think about myself as well and I need to make sure that documents are in place for my daughter to take over for me when it becomes necessary. 30% of all caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for, so why would we make plans for them and then not make them for us as well?

Good Luck and God Bless Us All!
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Hey Cholena...I am in a similar situation. And with a few others here. My brother has taken advantage of my mothers "generosity" and her need for companionship since my father passed 15 years ago. He hid his knowledge of her slow decline into dementia, Lewy body weth Parkinson's by always being in control of telephone calls by other siblings when wanting to communicate with her. When he had an unexpected medical issue and had to have surgery and a hospital stay of a week...not telling us, he took an ambulance to the hospital leaving my mother at home alone. I happened to call the next day when she informed me about hm being gone and she alone. She doesn't drive so I told her I would be up ASAP which takes me a 12 hour drive to get there. During those few days I uncovered all my brothers mismanagement of finances as she received a "cut off" notice in the mail from the electric company. She told me that my brother gets all the mail and pays the bills so she had no clue. I discovered his "hiding place" of all her financials and spent hours going through them in shock. She was and continually been in default on her mortgages and loans. A 20k credit card maxed out by him. A check printer he used to print checks for her to sign trusting him they were for bills but were for him. Rental income checks he had the tenants make out to him so he could deposit in his bank accounts. He has been unemployed for over 12 years and is totally dependent on her support. I also fount her trust papers, wills etc. some of which he had redone to move his name up in rank for authority over her estate. Including power of attorney. The home was filthy. Her condition was deteriorating because he did not monitor her meds going days and weeks without giver her her pills. Well I could go on but the point is I contacted the elder abuse agency in her state giving them my story and they tried to send out a rep to evaluate the situation. They advised me to go thru the courts and get guardianship. My brother hired a lawyer to represent my mother to contest it and coerced her into going against me because I was trying to steal all her money and put her away! Because of that farcical claim and thanks to the sleaze lawyer he hired I was in an 18 month court battle which wore me down. Sent me into a depression for the things "my mothers" lawyer accused me of FALSLEY which I continually had to endure. Lost my business for the monthly court hearings I had to travel to appear at. Depleted my husbands and our retirement savings to continually pay lawyer fees in hopes things would end before it all ran out. Finally we went into arbitration that was "referreed" by a former family court judge who's mother suffered from Alzheimer's. My brother showed up with my mother and their lawyer. The judge/arbitrator smelled alcohol on his breath. My mother didn't recognize me which was witnessed by her and she advised me to get her declared incapacitated by a neurologist and him declared incapable of care ing for as well as him being able to invoke the DPOA because of his dependency on her. It's the law that a person cannot have POA if they are dependent on the person that they have POA over.

The worse thing too about all this was that if I had gotten my mom declared incapacited BEFORE applying for guardianship. Made copies of my brothers spending habits from her bank accounts. Checked police records reporting her missing and wandering the streets lost while he was in his "cave" drinking and chatting online. Taken pictures of the condition of her home. Gotten doctors records of her history over a few years to show that they had advised she be seen by a neurologist...which my brother ignored...And stated in the petition the dependence he had on my mother I could have avoided the losses and heartache I suffered at the selfishness and desperation of an alcoholic sibling. Do your research. Don't be afraid to be a snoop. Don't hold onto the beliefs of how you remember your mom and that she's just getting forgetful. And don't believe ANYTHING a dependent sibling caregiver tells you.

I'm now in the process of getting her neurologist to finalize diagnosis and recommend best care for her. She suffers the typical of her condition. Sees snakes. Children that live in her house. 3 people that sneak into her house at night to steal her furniture. Shuffles when she walks. Motor abilities deteriorating. My brother refuses to accept his diagnosis! And continues to tell my mother when I'm not around, that's its a conspiracy to take everything from her. And most of all take her away from him and make him homeless. He's 62 years old and she has been manipulated into believing that the needs her or he will be all alone because the rest of the siblings are out to get him. Guilt trip she believes. So all I do when I'm there to care for her. Get her meds on track. Care give 24/7 to stabilize her in the interim to get her set and ready for the inevitable move to palliative care/hospice. He undoes in my necessary brief absences when I must return home to tend to my life...

So. Do your homework. Get a "leader" mindset and be firm about doing what's right and best for her and not at the expense of yourself. And if possible. Separate her from influences that only go against what your hard work and good sense knows to be right.

I know there are many sides to this and one way doesn't always work for everyone. But the legal part of it is something that is doable when you educate yourself on what the laws address for you and against you.

Sorry for the ramble. But I hope you find something in my experience that helps. I wish I had run across this forum at the onset of my journey.

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My elderly sick mother is being taken advantage of by a man she let stay at her home while he was getting back on his feet. He has borrowed money, stolen money and used her for financial gain. He is storing his boat in her yard while he is out of state for 6 weeks. He is an alcoholic and has drug addiction issues. I have asked him to leave and remove his possessions from her property but he continues to call and harass her. She is scared and just wants him to leave her alone but she is afraid to do anything and she wont let me act (she does not want to be mean to him). I have her durable power of attorney that covers everything except health decisions. Help
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Did the Power of Attorney your Mom signed take effect immediately, or does it take effect on your Mom's incapacity? The document will state one or the other. if it took place immediately, you can submit it to any banks or institution as proof you have the right to act for her. If it takes effect on her incapacity, you would need to have her declared legally incapacitated in order to act on her behalf. But this is a serious action that can have other consequences, so before you do it, you'll need to consider what other documents may be in play. Does your mother have a living trust? A living trust will specify a Successor Trustee that steps in if she is incapacitated. If it's not you, you'll want to coordinate with that person beforehand. Also, does she have a Medical power of attorney (Advance Health Care Directive)? Who is named to act for her for medical decisions? In any case, I recommend speaking to an estate planning attorney about this.

About the contention with your sister: It is very common that siblings have some sort of tension between them in these situations. When it's our parents well-being, we're dealing with, a lot of emotions come into play. Recognize that and come to a meeting of the minds with her (and any other siblings). Agree to share with each other whatever conversations each of you has had with your Mom. Second-hand information can be dangerously misleading. It will be best for your Mom if you two are united and there is a minimum of stressful contention.

If you are the person named in all the legal documents, and you have authority to act, then you can take the lead. I recommend discussing your decisions with your sister beforehand, and where possible, meet with her and your Mom regularly to discuss what's going on. Keeping things out in the open will be healthiest for everyone. A book to read and share is: "They're My Parents Too" by Francine Russo.
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On that anti-wrinkle system. It may be only a 30-day supply, with a new batch being sent every month. That is how many of those things work. The card will be charged automatically for the next supply. Make sure you get it stopped. At 80 something, I would think the anti-wrinkle should be anti-crevice, anti-valley, or something! ;)
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