My mother-in-law has a live in caregiver and lives 45 minutes away. Currently the caregiver is going through health challenges and the substitutes provided by the agency are no shows or don’t come back. My sister-in-law who we don’t have a relationship with, other than talking about his mom, is retired with no spouse. We have 2 young kids with travel sports and we have busy careers.

Her kids refuse to put her in a facility and the caregiving is a revolving door. The caregiver had no groceries this week and we were left to pick up the pieces.

She is constantly having her meds adjusted and having trouble following simple commands and even swallowing. She needs 24/7 care and doesn’t sit still at all. In fact she falls when she visits us sometimes and we have stairs. My husband sleeps beside her at night and even showers and changes her when the caregiver is not available.

We moved from another state to be close to her.

All this is creating stress, tension, and fights between us. He is starting to have her come more often to our house with the caregivers and I feel like it’s a bit much. I need my space and want family time as it’s hard to do w her here. How can I be supportive and draw boundaries? My mother-in-law and I never had any type of bond. She’s a bit of a loner and no friends or family that are close to her.My husband loves his mom,but she has been absent for the past 20 years of our marriage. I feel we are paying a price with our relationship for a person who was never here for us.

Moving was challenging enough, but I feel it’s too much giving and something has to change! Any advice?

Are there any long term care facilities that don't neglect their patients?

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You say that SIL is 'retired with no spouse'. Are you thinking that she isn't stepping up to the plate appropriately?

What do you think about saying that DH should go to stay over with MIL, rather than bringing her to your house? When he is home, it is just family time. I'm sure that there are reasons, and it would make the choices very clear.
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Unfortunately my husband doesn’t have the POA. Their father was in an assisted living facility and had bed sores and was tied down. They overmedicated him because he was violent. He was kicked out of a few facilities. This is the reason they have it in their heads that there are bad facilities.

I feel no matter what my husband says, he is putting her first. He’s afraid to lose his mom, but eroding the marriage and potentially losing his wife and kids should be a bigger fear for him.
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Of course there are good facilities, and it isn't always the higher cost ones that do a better job. None are perfect, but knowing that she is someplace where her basic needs are being met can take a huge chunk of the burden off your family - if they choose they can still be as involved as they are now but it means they don't HAVE to be, there is a safety net in place.
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