My mom and her husband are recently living at an assisted living facility. Neither of them have a care plan to pay extra for him. The husband is one who likes attention for being sick or pretending to be sick. There are two situations where he could very likely be put on a plan A care plan but if you would do a certain things it would preventable. In other words if you would do a and b, it would prevent a highly likely incident where the staff would have to put him on a care plan. Thus, my mom would have to pay for that care plan which would add at least another five- $700 a month to her already high payments. The concern is that is preventable. I understand non-preventable. But he's refusing to do what he has to do, and it is something he is capable of doing. None of us would ask anything of him if he couldn't do it. My question is, is there any way that we can protect my mom from the inevitable happening if he continues to refuse what he's refusing? I just hate that he is continuing to use my mom as he has for the past 30 years. He has never contributed anything. But that's another story. So please, if you have any suggestions any resource you could suggest me I would greatly appreciate it ! Thank you Deb

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Check the POA and see if there's a provision for you stepping in if your mother's dementia has been certified by a doctor or two. If the POA does state such, then check with an elder care attorney to make sure you can indeed step in and for any suggestions he/she may have in protecting your Mom's finances and whether your stepdad has any claim to your Mom's money.

Has your stepdad been checked for mental stability? I hesitate to ask because if a doc states he's incompetent, then would you step in and take care of his money? That may be something you don't want to touch with a barge pole! Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)

Thank you, DeeAnna

Well, if he had any income to speak of! He does get some from social security, but as I said, its' all used to pay off debt credit cards.

I guess what I want to do or know is if there is anything that can be done that would prevent my mom from having to pay for her husband when it's something that she'd have to pay ONLY because he was too stubborn and selfish to wear a stupid seatbelt in his electric wheelchair! I mean,why should she have to pay for him being a total selfish &^$, only thinking of his on wants and likes? He has been talked with, but he simply doesn't care. I figured that if maybe there was something legal that could be done, he'd either shape up or figure out how to pay for his own childish ways!

He had to go to the hospital this evening because he has been refusing to take his meds consistently - just whenever he wants to. The body doesn't react well to just stopping meds, nor does the mind. He also won't eat much.

I know that he has been sick (for real this time!) of phnemonia, but there is much more to the story. I don't like him, but I would never intentionally be mean to him, but he has been the boy who cries wolf for so many years that I simply nevr know when to believe him about anything! He brought that on himself!

Obviously, my bigger concern is for my mom because she is more vulnerable and incapable of standing up for herself. unfortunately, she didn't do much better when she didnt' have dementia, which is why she go with him and stayed with him in the first place. I resent that he is taking away her ability to pay for assisted living for as many years as she could, given that she lives that long. If she does, and he also lives, the money will be gone much faster than anticipated.

It's very frustrating, and I feel sad for my mom other than that she really doesn't have much of a clue what's going on.

I will try to find someone in Elder Law to see if there's anything possible to do! I hope so!

Thank you
Helpful Answer (1)

Lovehopes, Thank you for answering back so quickly.

Since I worked in Nursing Homes and not Assisted Living facilities, I was unaware of the point system for determining fees.
I went to some websites to look at the point system:

I think that you need to contact an Elder Law Attorney who can help you figure out how to separate your Mom's income from her husband's income. Is that what you are wanting to do? It does help that you have POA for your Mom and her husband.
Helpful Answer (1)

Hello those of you who replied. I don't usually have difficulty with this, but I can't figure out how to reply to each of you individually. So I will try to clarify things like this.

To give just a tiny bit of history - he is extremely selfish, self-serving, and doesn't care about anyone or anything beyond himself. He has huge issues with spending - spending just for its sake - it doesn't matter what he buys. He gets social security, but ALL of it goes toward paying off credit cards - the minium - he's paid tens and thousands on interest alone. He doesn't care about his wife. He doesn't care if she goes broke. Periodically he will get all lovey dovey to get her back on his side. My mom has been guilty in that she has enabled him and created more of a montster than when they first married. He is also an alcholic and addict period.

In an Assisted Living Facility, it's called such because the tentants need some kind of assistance. Well, because my mom has dementia, that trumps the daily living activities, i.e. they don't apply to her.

Her husband is primarily there because she is, though he also needs help in other ways.

What I referred to as a "care plan"is, as I'm sure most of you know, once you regular need help with any of the daily living activites (and more) then you are charged for that service. Some facilities charge by points, i.e. an activity is worth so many points, and each point is worth s o many dollars, etc.

Obviously, once you have to add on assistance for either my mom or her husband, then the overall cost of them living there increases. The rent doesn't increase, but rather it's the amount of extra care they need. If my mom needed help with medication management, it would cost her an extra $250 a month!

So back to her husband and my concern. He rides in an electric wheelchair, and he doesn't wear his seatbelt. Well, he has fallen out of his chair a few times - one time he actually didn't, but he was playing games with me and for whatever reason, wanted me to believe that he did. It was a whole scene that he manipulated his way all the way through.

At any rate, whether is falls are real or for attention, he could get hurt either way. So what about putting his seatbelt on? What a concept! So I told him that he really needs to wear his seatbelt at all times not only because he could get seriously hurt, but also because it would be taking preventative measures against his wife having to fork out a lot of extra money each month FOR NO REASON! You would think that if he cared about his wife, that he wouldn't even think twice! But not him!

Some of you might be thinking or wondering if he's capable of putting on his seatbelt or remembering to and the answer is yes to both! With him, it doesn't matter that he knows how - if it's inconvenient for him and/or goes against his underlying scheme, then he won't budge! He doesn't care who it hurts, including his wife!

The other thing is that he hasn't been taking his meds regularly. Again, he is perfectly capable of both remembering and taking them on his own without being told! For whatever reason, he is choosing to take some of them only if he feels like it. There goes $120 a month down the tubes!

If they weren't living in an Assisted Living Facility, I wouldn't be as concerned about my mom's money. I say, "my mom's money" because that's what it is! He has contributed nothing over the past 27-30 years - not just not financially, but in any way! He has used her and continues to use her, and theer has been nothing I or her other children could do. Has she been happy? For the most part, no, but she's is his number 1 enabler and wouldn't know how she is or what her purpose was if she didn't have him to enable.

All I'm concerned about is trying to protect my mom's assets as much as possible before he uses it all for himself and then she has nothing to live on! I know she will have to pay for him if he ever genuinely needs it, but this is entirely preventable, and the only thing that's stopping him from cooperating is he's stubborn and selfish - nobody matters but him!

So again, is there ANY kind of law or half-law lol that can protect my mom financially from when he's refusing to do or not do certain things, and invariably, those things add a large monthly fee that my mom has to pay? Or is it pretty much, "Sorry mom, you made your bed, you sleep in it"?

I really do hate this because my mom is helpless to do anything with having Dementia, and I feel just as helpless. I want her husband to have care when he needs it, but not when it's something that could have been avoided by him doing something SO easy! Sigh!

Thanks for listening - Oh, btw, I DO have POA for by my mom and her husband
Helpful Answer (0)

It sounds like your step dad wants help with his ADLs and you are concerned because you think your mom will have to pay the fee?
Your concern is not the money but the fact that he could do these things for himself instead of paying someone to do it for him. You wonder if there is anything you can do to keep your mom from having to pay for this?
They have been married 30 years. That’s a long time. I assume your stepdad does get Social Security which should pay a small portion of his fee.
I think it’s just what happens if a parent with savings marries someone without. But a 30 year marriage is a lot of companionship. Hopefully it’s made her happy to have him in her life.
If I’ve interpreted what you were asking incorrectly, please let us know.
Helpful Answer (0)

Deb, I don't quite understand the Care Plan situation. Why would your Mother have to pay more if "the staff would have to put him on a care plan. Thus, my mom would have to pay for that care plan which would add at least another five $700 a month to her already high payments."

That doesn't make sense. But then, I have worked in Long Term Care (AKA Nursing Homes). In Nursing Homes, Care Plans are REQUIRED for every resident by Medicare and Medicaid (AND the Care Plan does NOT affect the rate of room and board at the Nursing Home)! I assume that Assisted Living facilities have the same requirements.

I am wondering if the additional $500-$700 is because your Step-Dad's LEVEL OF CARE would change to a HIGHER Level of Care. There are usually 5-6 Levels of Care and are based on a resident's ability to perform their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) and the amount of assistance nursing staff has to give resident during ADLs along with the amount of supervision the resident needs (such as in a Memory Care Unit). The more assistance the resident needs with his/her ADLs OR the more supervision that the resident needs then the higher Level of Care and the more expensive the room and board at the nursing home.
Helpful Answer (1)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter