The nursing home is holding my Mother "hostage" with a POA that was forged. Any help? - AgingCare.com

The nursing home is holding my Mother "hostage" with a POA that was forged. Any help?

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She has no guardianship. Will not allow my Mom to visit/home. I filed for petition of guardianship for my Mom but my sister has POA with a forged signature and the nursing home will not allow my mother to visit me or for me to take her home with me without her approval. She's been in the nursing home since October 2014 because my sister's place of residence was closed down by the city - inhabitable. I lost the petition due to a forged POA that was ruled valid. I am appealing, .but how do I get my mother home as bed locks have been left off of her bed, under staffed, no therapy with stroke, mother losing weight rapidly, and osteoarthritis? She's 86 with good vitals.but she is wheel chair bound but refused access to the city or myself...holding her against her will.

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I am amazed that you don't want her to stay in the nursing home. Where have you been these last years when mom was apparently living in a home dilapidated enough to be condemned by the city?

Make peace with your sister. Stop the drama. As long as your mom's POA has been deemed valid in a court of law, you are not going to be able to effect change. Further, to say you KNOW it's not valid because her signature doesn't match her signature on your birth certificate -- after you tell us yourself she had a debilitating stroke -- is ludicrous.

Visit your mom at the nursing home. Nurture her presence there so she can bloom and grow within that atmosphere. Let her see all kinds of smiling young faces around her every day. Get three nutritious meals a day...sometimes an ice cream snack come afternoon. Attend entertainment programs...socialize as much or as little as she'd like with her peers...be helped by people who are well rested, young and strong.

Find your bliss by being the salt-and-pepper in mom's life instead of the main course. Stop fighting. Accept the findings and limits of this meeting and wake up every morning thinking about how you can make your mom's live just a little sweeter.

Bring her flowers. An occasional pretty all wrapped up with a lively bow. A plant for her room. A pretty nightlight. Some beautiful lotions and soaps. Attend some of the special programs at the nursing home with her. Bring five milk shakes one day and pass them around. Be kind and appreciative of the nursing staff...ALL the staff.

In short, love your mom by helping her fit in. She's safe there. Now love her, not by fighting tooth and nail with everybody in the place, but by helping her adjust.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to MaggieMarshall
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Momlover, I understand that you love your Mum very much. BUT...please, please think before you post sometimes and be sensitive to the feelings of others on this list. You've been shown compassion, understanding and sympathy here as well as being offered excellent advice. I'm sure being the loving person you so obviously are you'd want to give these things to others. Comments such as "I love my Mom to much to leave her in a public aid aging facility when she could be in a loving home with family." can come across as very hurtful to someone who's loved one is in precisely those circumstances. People who come on this forum love the people they care for, if they didn't they wouldn't bother being here.
I know that you don't want to acknowledge the horror that is dementia, but if you won't look at it as what could happen to your Mum please at least try to be aware that for some of us, no matter how much we love it can't be enough.
You can love someone 24/7 with every ounce of your being, but that does not mean that you can cope with being punched, threatened with being stabbed/strangled, kicked, spat at, sworn at by the person you love and who once loved you.
To see the terror in the eyes of your loved one who know longer knows you and sees you as a frightening stranger intent on doing them harm is one of the most heartbreaking experiences.
To constantly (as in 5+ times a day) clean up your dearly beloved who has smeared faeces on every surface, every inch of their body, eaten it. Even though they lock their jaws shut at food.
To spend every night, all night on alert so that your cared for doesn't hurt you or themselves.
Sometimes, sadly all to often loving means letting professionals do what we want to be ours to do. It means letting go and letting them take daily care of our loved ones. It's steeling our hearts when our foul mouthed loved one gazes adoringly at a member of staff and speaks gently, lovingly to them.
So please, please be aware that there are times when outside intervention is vital.
With dementia we all have to meet it where it takes our loved ones, in the end you can keep fighting the system, keep ignoring advice assured that You know best, but please because you do love your Mum realise that you need help too.
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Reply to LucyCW
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First, is your mother competent in the legal sense? Has she ever been declared incompetent? That would be required for guardianship. Did the court appoint someone else guardian? If there is no guardian, the court must not be convinced she is incompetent.

If she is competent then she can simply say "I don't want this daughter to be my POA any more. I want to appoint someone else." End of problem.

Why do you want to take your mother home with you? Often that is a bad idea for persons in a nursing home. You don't mention that you can't visit her at the NH. Do you do that frequently? Can you take her down the road for an ice cream cone, if you have her back within the hour? Just what are the restrictions here?

It sounds like you are trying to remove your mother from the NH permanently. Are you? Sneaking her out on the pretext of "visiting" at your home is not likely to be successful.

Did you have a lawyer helping you when you filed for guardianship? Because it sounds like you need a lawyer now. Straighten out the questions of whether Mother is still competent, who has what kind of authority over her care, and who can decide whether nursing home care is appropriate for her. If she is competent, she cannot be held against her will, and a lawyer and take action on the aspect of the case.

Personally, I wonder if your efforts might better be directed to advocating for her care where she is -- at least until legal issues are settled. For example, why did she not get therapy after the stroke? Is she a good candidate for therapy at this time? Pursue that. What does the NH think is causing the rapid weight loss? What are they doing about it? (What would you do about it if you got her to your house?)

Is there any chance of you and Sister working together in your mother's best interest?

In any case, there are legal issues here that you should consult an Elder Law attorney about.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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I agree with Maggie. Love and support her where she is.

Wow.. so to summarize your mom is 88 with mild dementia, in a wheel chair that requires large men to lift her on to the toilet, with arthritis... and you are fighting to get her out of the nursing home? Do you really know what you would be in for if you brought her home? Sounds like she would require 24/7 care.
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Reply to katiekay
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Momlover123, my mother clearly has dementia. She is not on the dementia floor. She doesn't need to be -- her behavior is not disruptive to others, and, wheel-chair bound, she is not an "elopement" risk. (She can't wander.) I've been visiting her for over a year and my guess is that at least half of the other residents on her floor have dementia.

My daughter works in a very nice assisted living facility which also has "memory care" units. She says that 60% of the residents of the "regular" ALF units also have dementia.

Not being in the dementia units does not mean you do not have dementia.

This is just another example of your lack of understanding about dementia. You are certainly right that it doesn't take a PhD to love someone! But your lack of taking Mom's dementia seriously and apparent unwillingness to learn about that has me very worried. Dismissing it as "insignificant" is scary.

Almost all of us with loved ones with dementia started out ignorant on the topic. No shame in that. And it doesn't take a PhD to be able to learn.

My husband wanted to go home for a solid 3 months early in his dementia. Where was he? At home with me, in the house we'd liked in for 12 years.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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If your mom can't get to the bathroom herself then she can't be left alone all day while you work.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Mom is not happy. She wants to come home with me. I will change her and get her home care during the day with her Social Security and Medicaid. She deserves more quality of life than a nursing home. She's not an invalid. I can at least try to improve her quality of life.
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Reply to Momlover123
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Momlover123, after reading all of yoir posts, I understand why the courts denied you guardianship of your mother. You are ill-prepared to properly care for your mother in your home. You are oblivious to the amount and cost of care your mother will require. I commend you for wanting to care for your mom in your home. Yoir mom is better off where she is with yoi visiting regularly.
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Reply to Labs4me
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I feel so very sorry for you in this awful situation but as has been said by jeannegibbs you don't understand clearly enough the nature of dementia. You say your Mum begs to come home and I absolutely believe you. But, does your Mum mean what you're hearing? Let me try to to explain. My friend's Mum pleaded to "go home to France" where she was born & lived many years. Her UK based family finally moved her to a wonderful NH in France. She begs to come home whenever they speak to her on the phone, yet they've seen live Skype of her perfectly happy when she can't hear them. In my own case my BIL asks to go home on a regular basis. He lives in his own home with his 2 cats where he has been happily living for 5 years. If I talk to him he wants to "go home." Very often people with dementia talk of going home, but it's not the places we're thinking off. Home for them is often a home of yesteryear when life was safe & they were in control. But they can't say this.
My advice is 1) stop feeling guilty. You've always done the best you can for your Mum and judging with hindsight won't help change things. 2) stop fighting the people who are trying to help your Mum. Try to see them not as the enemy but as part of the team helping to make your Mum's life as good as possible. Get them on side, ask them how You can help. You're the expert in Your Mum, But, they're the experts in dementia care.
3) Elders lose weight even with the most loving care. So treat her often to high calorific treats that don't interfere with her meds. 4) use the time energy your expending in fighting the system to love yourself and your Mum. Find ways to brighten her life now. A memory box of small gift wrapped things that remind her of better times. Special hand cream, if she'll let you massage her hands when you visit. 5) be gentle with yourself and others around you. It's true that honey is nicer than vinegar. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.
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Reply to LucyCW
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If you are determined to go ahead again for guardianship of your mother, you better have an iron clad plan to present to the courts on your ability to be able to properly care for your mother. It includes having your home wheelchair assessable, proof of 24/7 care arrangements, financially ability to pay for that care. Your mother's income alone will not cover it if you work fulltime. You will have to show the ability to take your mother to medical appointments. You cannot ever leave your mother alone. You will also have to report to the courts periodically in regards to you mother's financials. Do you have this all planned out to present to the courts?
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Reply to Labs4me
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