Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently?

You've asked similar questions about your fiance's brother on this forum in the past and have gotten some good answers:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-stay-sane-468499.htm

Even if he tested well to determine he could live independently, would your finance AGREE to letting him live independently? I think that's the question to ask yourself more than anything.

He can go to the doctor and be given a cognition exam, normally a MoCa test, to determine where he falls with his cognitive skills. That will let everyone know whether or not your future BIL is able to live independently or whether his short term memory loss is considered cognitive impairment/dementia and that he's in need of living with assistance. He'll be scored on a scale from 1-30; a score of 26 and higher is generally considered normal, 25 and less than 25 = mild cognitive impairment and so on down the scale to progressive dementia/Alzheimer's. You can Google the term for more in depth information.

Short term memory loss is a serious disability and normally prevents a person from living alone; they can forget to turn the stove off and burn the house down, or mix chemicals together to clean, not realizing the combination can asphyxiate them. While your fiance's brother may appear to be fine and capable, having a relationship & a job, he still may not be capable of living on his own. Only a qualified doctor can give you all that answer, once some cognitive testing is done.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a workable solution to this situation.

Perhaps the answer would be an independent annex attached to your property.

My niece who is now 39 has short term disability, along with other problems, but she works full time in childcare and lives in her own house.
She has been set up so that she doesn't have to remember bills - all paid by DDR
and has a drawn up "routine" chart.

I think that short term memory disability on its own is not a reason to think he could not with adequate planning be accomplished, but it rather depends on what other issues he has.

I don't wish to be critical, or negative, but I see in this situation one comparable to others in which the female is asked to care for her BF's or husband's parents, sometimes before marriage, or sometimes after.

Something to remember is that if you agree and commit to your to-be BIL living with you, you go into a marriage under that assumption and condition.   If you end up caring for him more than you planned, and you change your position, how would your then husband respond? 

This seems to be the crux of these kinds of situations, i.e., that the woman is the caregiver, is expected to step up and compromise enough to care for the relative, and ends up ready to walk out from frustration of being the Cinderella in the family.

I don't wish to be harsh, but I cringe whenever I think of this kind of situation and how it could ruin a marriage.

I do understand your fiancé's position, though.     I would research what's available and try to find out what specifically is available, including some kind of training that could help him live independently.

Yes I understand 'stigma'.
Also fear of other housemates who may also have cognitive impairments &/or behaviour issues.

But living independently without the skills to can be a safety concern + a burden on those propping it up.

Does your BIL have a Case Manager? This person can start the process.

Having a Cognitive Exam is a good starting point. Then an OT can do a functional life skills assessment (ADLs & IADLs). This can show how his cognitive skills will translate into daily living skills. Will highlight the areas he is independent in, is semi-independant (needs supervision or assistance) or even dependant (someone else must do it).

Hopefully the Case Manager can refer to a social service, like a Social Worker or Disability Service to assist discussing the best housing fit. There maybe other options besides group homes, like independent living but with case management support & support workers for some tasks. Eg some people live alone but have cleaning services + a support worker to take them shopping as they need support for this task.

Fwiw ages ago when I was venting on determining if my nonagenarian mom (in another state) should continue to live in her home of 50+ years, a close friend who deals with emergency response programs, said to me….. “can she get out of her home 100% on her own and be 30’ outside of the home in under 5 minutes? If she can’t, then she needs to be in a place with enough staff for 24/7 oversight”.

I’ve worked with Developmentally Disabled Adults for 25 years. They can live wonderful full lives in the community. In nj they can pick how they receive their care. Supportive living through agencies supplies so many levels of care. Like living in apartments. Getting jobs, using transportation. Short term memory challenges is the least of the challenges I’ve worked with.
I suggest you contact your Board of Social Services and find out your options. Also contact the office on Aging and disabled services.
Find other families that meet and use them as your support and networking source.
By the way I managed a group home of 5 males that transitioned out of the antiquated institutional care level.
This home was in an upscale “regular” neighborhood. It was beautiful and our staff loved our guys like family. The residents families were always welcome and enjoyed their visits.
Help this young man live his own life. You will all be blessed.

I will PM you re a similar situation.

Perhaps contact an assisted living facility - one that also has independent living housing associated with it. They will be able to tell you as they do this all the time. They tell residents/family when it’s time for the resident to move from independent to assisted.

Yes, a social worker can evaluate your loved one. I have found social workers to be of tremendous help. They can give you insight, direction, guidance and the confidence to follow through.

My mother is under the care of hospice. I have found the social worker to be all that I mentioned above.

I think a RN would be able to do this evaluation, also.

I encourage you to seek advice. I have it to “take a load” off of all the decisions, plus you are getting help from a trained professional.

Best wishes.

Emotionalwreck: Your BIL needs an evaluation by his town's social worker.