Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently?

He has mentioned doing this before and my fiance shot it down immediately. His medical care is actually in our state, not the one he lives in. There has been at least one occasion when he was here that we had to take him for emergency surgery. My fiance will at least need POA over his brother if he lives with us. My fiance just needs to just speak with someone at a group home to realize his thoughts about them are wrong 99% of the time.

Thank you! He is receiving SS benefits of some sort, I assume SSDI. Essentially, right now, he's receiving no real oversight because we believe his work program was suspended. It was initially suspended last year, then he went back to work, and now he's not working for some reason. We're just not sure if it's because of COVID or something else. There's no formal guardian, at least legally. I've told my fiance that he'll need to get some type of legal guardianship or at least POA if he lives with us. I believe that it would be much more livable if he was in some program while living with us. I think my fiance will need a professional to tell him where his brother is at as far as what he's able to do and what he needs help with. He tends to trust professionals more than things he reads online and if it's coming directly from someone who he trusts, he'll be more apt to follow what they recommend. He's coming to understand that it's more of a task than just being the hero who says "he's not a burden! He can live with me!" Luckily, his brother has insurance that covers 99% of his medical expenses. These expenses are related to his medical condition that caused his memory loss. He requires surgery every 5-10 years and the bills associated with that totaled a very insignificant amount (not paid by my fiance). The only issue that I have at this moment is that, when his brother is here, he's not able to go out and do anything because he doesn't know the area. If he actually lived here and had a local address, he would be in some program that would get him out of the house and make it way more doable for us. I think even if he didn't have any medical condition and just stayed with us temporarily, I would get irritated by having him around 100% of the time. My fiance realizes now that we all need alone time and time apart from each other.

Thank you! I believe he has a case worker and it would be interesting to see what they and his doctor believe he's able to do. I'm learning with time that it may be more stressful to have him living on his own vs just having him live with us.

Thank you! I've mentioned to my fiance that he can ask his brother's doctor during his next visit how she feels about him living independently. I've been learning more about memory loss and how it may be more beneficial for him to live with us, but have activities he can do during the day. He's able to work as long as the work is repetitive, so he should be able to find a job here through a work program. We live in a different state, but my fiance and I have also discussed getting him into a program when he lives with us that will allow him to make friends, work, etc. Basically everything except live on his own. His memory loss may be more severe and problematic than I'm thinking and I'm learning that it may be best and less stressful to have him live with us instead of worrying that he's going to burn his home down.

Thank you! When he does eventually move here, we've talked about getting him into a program that can teach him independent living skills and help him find a job, transportation, etc. Right now, he's working and they provide transportation for him. He's able to do the majority of things on his own, except manage his finances and has somewhat of a limited understanding of social norms/cues. He still acts as though the people around him are the adults and he's the child, so he doesn't contribute financially for things like food, bills, etc. I think if we can get him into the right program, maybe my fiance will see that he's able to do more than what he thinks he can. Even if he doesn't live on his own ever, I think he should still have more skills than he has now.

I've waited a very long time for marriage and children, so I feel you on this and I agree. I've done many things that are "wife status" but it's always appreciated by my fiance. We're getting married next year and planning to have a child if we're able to. Who knows? Maybe having a child will change his mind on trying to help his brother be more independent. His brother could also eventually get married and want a life of his own someday. He's been with his girlfriend for many years, but she lives in a group home and I'm not sure if they'd be able to live together at any point.

Thank you for your input! I think my attitude has changed within the last few months because I'm seeing more that my fiance's brother is less able than I believed he was. Sometimes it seems he can remember things clearly, but then he'll do something like try to dry his clothing in the oven. We're teaching him some basic things but he will definitely need a program to teach him what we can't. I realize it's a great stress to any relationship but it's something I agreed to at the outset of the relationship. My fiance is stepped up a lot lately with his brother and does most of the caring for him, unless he's working. I do very little for his brother unless I choose to (like showing him how to cook his own dinner).

Very well said. This will put a big burden on their relationship and may not last do to the stress that is guaranteed to come.

Sometimes I break down and think of the exact things you're mentioning. It's hard to not just want a normal relationship where it's just my fiance/husband and I without any interference, but I knew this would be a possibility from the beginning of our relationship. I think the main thing we will need to do is get him into a program during the day that teaches him skills and a work program as well. He will need to buy certain things himself and not depend on us 100% financially at least. My fiance has come to see that his brother doesn't contribute, so he's reduced the amount of things he pays for right now. He even agreed that his brother should be paying for his own phone bill and certain other things whereas before, he would say his brother can't do it. I think it will take a professional to either tell me that he can't live on his own or to tell my fiance that he can live on his own. The spectrum is closing in a bit on me learning that his brother can't do as much as I think he can and my fiance realizing his brother can contribute more than he does.

He isn't working right now for some reason (my fiance said he's going to look into why he's not working but hasn't yet). He still has his girlfriend of many years. The woman he lives with appears to treat him as someone who isn't really there. Left to his own devices, he gained around 30 pounds in about 6 months and is morbidly obese. She doesn't seem to care much about his health - both physical and mental. There are adult programs near us and we would definitely have him in some type of program to teach him independence and some sort of work program. When he's here for 1-2 weeks at a time, I'm able to go to a different room and be by myself. My fiance also takes him out while he's here so that I can have some time for myself as well. I think if we had the right living situation where his brother was out of the house during the day, I can live with it. I've had less and less involvement with his brother's daily care over the last year.

Thank you! I believe he has a current social worker of some sort. He's in some type of work program that helps with transportation as well. I've mentioned talking to his brother's doctor to get her opinion as well. I realize short-term memory loss is very serious so I wouldn't want to put him in a situation where he wouldn't be successful. I also wouldn't want it to be a situation where he's living on his own but we're there every day helping him anyway.

Assisted living is great. Some have different tiers of care—one resident may need oversight and regular meds, but another may need help additional help with bathing, etc. Some assisted living places have age cutoffs. My brother had a nice apartment with a small, basic kitchen and he had his own furnishings, nurses to deliver his meds and housekeeping to do his laundry, pick up his trash and vacuum his apartment. The assisted living nurse did an assessment to see if placement was appropriate and what tier or level of care did he require. As always, shop around and tour these places.

Thank you! I believe he would definitely need something set up to automatically pay his bills as he's never paid a bill in his life. He could be taught how to do so but likely would never remember to. Unfortunately, he's never been taught certain skills because his family has always assumed that he would need to live with someone else his whole life.

Thank you! I think my fiance just thinks of "group home" as "no one cares about me". I've told him most are good places where he could learn more about being an adult. He does have a case worker who I believe helped him get the job he has. I'm beginning to see that his memory loss could end up causing more problems if he tried to live on his own. I may look more for ways to allow him to have a separate space whe still being close enough to be assisted when needed. My step-dad's son has a medical condition (purely physical but he's very ill) and they fixed up the upper portion of their garage for him and his family. It's like an apartment because the space is large. I always joke that my BIL is like Arthur on King of Queens :)