Inappropriate comments in public. What do I do?

Oh my goodness Nazdrovia, I can relate!!!

My grandma in the NH had no filter at all. "Look at that woman! She's so fat!" she used to shout. Or "that lady's a B*TCH!" not even bothering to keep her voice down at all.

Or worst of all!! Many of the aides were Haitian. And she'd always tell me in a VERY loud stage whisper when they would come by "All these people are BLACK!!"

Oh my goodness. I have to laugh!!

I have seen information cards, the size of a business card. It states something to this effect.
Please be patient, the person I am with has Dementia.
These cards can be handed out to servers or other people in stores. It could also be given to anyone that the person with dementia may have made a comment about or to. It does not excuse the comment but does explain it. I think the cards I saw were from The Alzheimer’s Association. They may have them for sale or a script that can be provided to a printer.
It could be dementia. Often “normal” filters are lost. This is why you will hear of people exposing themselves, urinating in inappropriate locations, swearing or becoming violent just to list a few. Not everyone does these things but be on the watch for things your loved one did not or would not do in the past

Since your father gives you "the silent treatment and sulks if you say no to him," he knows exactly what he is doing and has full control of his behaviors, AND is manipulating you to comply to his requests.
The aforementioned indicates he is deliberately being rude, most likely because reactions entertain him, which in layman's terms, he could be described as "a two faced and nasty old man."

Unfortunately, if that's the case, then the only solution is to understand that he will not "change," because he is internally rewarded thru everyone's shocked reactions (positive or negative-as long as someone reacts). In other words, all of the reactions are his reward, and thus motivation to continue provoking, and eliciting reactions from others.

With that understanding you become empowered, due to the predictability of his behaviors.

My FIL - while not diagnosed currently with dementia - also has no filter. In our case a lot of that is the narcissism. But we admittedly even outside of COVID, avoid taking him places unless absolutely necessary. He appears to not even realize that his comments are rude, embarrassing, racist, sexist, just about any 'ist' you can imagine. To his mind he thinks he is showing solidarity. Example telling a very young waitress (younger than his youngest granddaughter) how cute she is and that he wishes he was younger so they could go out (to some this seems like a cute little old man being funny but you'd have to see it to understand the leering, the grin, the things he says after she leaves the table - it's a dirty old man thing not a cute old man. He doesn't limit it to other people either. He will sit at the table and tell other people OUR private business. I literally told my DH that he's not to share anything personal with his dad anymore because it becomes public news (Oh, but woe to he that tells FIL's private business!! Hell to pay!)

You mention that he always had opinions but more discretion. Though FIL hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, we suspect it. And I can agree with you that his filter is gone and he thinks he can say anything he likes. I don't know if it is because he no longer realizes how offensive what he is saying, if the people he is saying it to play it off as unintentional or out of his control and therefore he has no consequences. But it does seem that he no longer realizes that what he is saying is wrong in any way.

Our solution is likely not the best, but the combination of his lack of filter with his increasing immobility (by choice!) makes it nearly impossible to take him anywhere. He still comments to home health, PT, OT, anyone else who comes to the house and it is mortifying and we end up apologizing to nearly everyone he comes into contact with. Again that may be the narcissism. THAT is definitely getting worse as he gets older and his cognitive decline becomes more apparent. He feels that he has the right to say anything he likes and people in deference to his superiority should not be offended.

As GladImHere suggested - we also interrupt him and redirect when we can. But he often catches us so off guard that we don't even realize what he has said until after he has completed his thought.

It certainly keeps you on your toes.

Another trick I used was to interrupt mom. I knew when it was coming. This also worked well. It completely interrupted the sick, dying brain train of thought.

Looks like the royals have been leaving Prince Phillip at home for a while now.. 😉 Maybe his 'witty honesty' crossed into thoughtless insults too.

I'd visit him at home instead.

My 93 year old grandma in law told me that she had lived long enough to say whatever she wanted, regardless of what anyone else thought.

I see this behavior in 95% of people that I interact with that are over 75 years old and it gets worse as the age increases. So I think that they have become tired of holding their tongues and see no benefit from not speaking their mind.

I would tell my loved ones that something said was unkind or rude when it was said. It does help a bit, as they don't want to be corrected in public and I don't want them to hurt someone's feelings, so it is a good compromise. They don't get corrected and feelings don't get hurt if they use some discretion when speaking.

Whether it's dementia or just lack of filter, it's your father's 'right' to say and do as he pleases. Similarly, it's YOUR right to leave him home & see/deal with him as little as humanly possible.

We all make our choices in life and then live with the consequences of those choices.

Even if he has dementia, he'll eventually see that his behavior is causing you to back away from him & see him less & less. If he chooses to continue the rancid behavior, then he's made the decision to see less & less of his daughter. Unless his dementia is advanced, he's aware of what he's doing, the choices he's making, and the effect it's having on the relationship with his daughter.

Good luck!

My very first question here at AC was about my dad’s rudeness and too frequent out loud thoughts. I received a consensus of answers that he had dementia. I took him to both family practice and neuropsych appointments for testing. He passed everything thrown at him with flying colors. To the week he died he continued to live alone, balance his checkbook, pay his bills, engage in conversation meaningfully on any number of topics, and be rational in every way. Except the mean or rude comments. His doctors told me repeatedly that it was a “loss of filters” and common in old age. During this time I saw an old teacher of mine, now in her 90’s, she’d been the sweetest, most docile person. She told me proudly that she’d enjoyed reaching the age where “I can say whatever I want” So I became a believer in the loss of filters (heck, maybe there’s a little part of me looking forward to it 😜) With my dad, I combatted it with some understanding (he was raised in a far different time with different norms) sometimes calling him out and trying to educate him (he did become less rude in some things or at least know it wouldn’t fly around me) and apologizing for him. He was kind and giving to his family and friends, just had this filter issue that we all grew tired of. If you can’t deal with it, it’s fine to not be around it

Inappropriate behavior, especially in a public setting, is a sign of dementia, but it's only one sign. People with dementia lose their inhibitions. What other unusual behavior do see you in your dad? Dementia presents itself in many symptomatic ways. If his PCP has already screened him for dementia, I hope he also referred your dad to a neurologist to determine the cause of his dementia. Without knowing the cause, you have no idea what you're dealing with.

Regardless of what is causing his rude behavior, why do continue to take him out in public? If his behavior is that bad, leave him home, unless of course he has a Dr's appointment. There's no reason you have to continue putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation with him, when the solution is as simple as leaving him home.

This is dementia. My mom would make the same sorts of comments. To curtail it just try to keep conversation going, the mind active on anything else. It worked for my mom. Even calling attention, redirecting, to something else nearby and interesting to look at.

Nazdrovia, what does your dad's doctor say about his lack of filter (very common in dementia) and his verbal abuse of you (gleaned from a previous thread)?

Do you need to take dad out in public?

How do you come to be living with him, or he with you?

Do you have plans to place him? Or to leave this abusive situation?