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Hi its Nazdrovia again
I probably sound like a broken record. My 85 yo father is frequently making rude and inappropriate comments. He's always had opinions on people but had a bit more discretion. But now he is worse and its sometimes about people I care about, more and more, where its getting to the point that I dread going out in public with him or even having a conversation with him. He comments on how fat a person is, or how someone's nostrils are too big or someone has tattoos esp on women which he hates. He points at them and its very embarrassing. If I don't agree with him or get annoyed at his comments he lashes out at me and turns it around so I'm the bad person. I just end up hating being with him. This is the same person who preaches religion constantly. When will it end????
Is this dementia related or he is just two faced and a nasty old man?

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Hi Nazdrovia. I find that the people who preach religion constantly don't actually do anything but preach about it. They certainly don't live it. Much of the time when our "beloved" seniors think that because they've reached a certain age that it gives them a free pass to say anything they want no matter how hurtful or inappropriate without fear of consequences. Sometimes it's the dementia. Either way it means the person can't be taken out anymore.

Here's what you can do with your father.
Tell him you will no longer be taking him out of the house because his behavior is cruel, inappropriate and that being seen with him is an embarrassment you are no longer willing to bear. This is one way to handle it.
There's this way too.
When you have to bring him somewhere and he starts with the behavior treat him exactly the way you'd treat a child acting up. Call him out in front of everyone then make him apologize to the person he's talking about offensively.
I've had many homecare clients who thought they were entitled to say anything they might be thinking. I had one who every day had to keep telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I look fine, but she'd viciously critique everything you can imagine and this woman liked me. I used to take her out all the time. She was embarrassing in public about other people too. Her kids who rarely even saw her claimed she had dementia but it wasn't officially diagnosed.
One day it just got to me and I gave it back. I said that if she says one more thing I would leave her. That I'm the only person who goes to her house and helps her. I'm the only one who takes her out. I told her that no one else visits and her kids don't care. I told her that if I leave she can go rot in a nursing home because no one else is going to do for her.
She never made another comment to me again after that. She never made one to a stranger in public again either. Give this a try with your father.
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Nazdrovia Jan 24, 2021
Thankyou Burnout. When my father made the very nasty comment about my husband's ex wife, and I reacted angrily, he said in a totally "poor me" self pitying thing he's doing all the time now, he said then that he'd better find somewhere else to live and will have to pack all his things and go somewhere else. Boo hoo!!
Mind you, he is living in the house of my very kind and generous husband who has put him up because he loves me.
But i think i will be getting to the point where I will call him out on his BS soon. I'm just waiting for someone to react to it.
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I am probably butchering the science here, but please bear with me. Mom had a serious stroke in 2009, which left here basically unable to speak. Her word finding was extremely hard, leaving her almost speechless. However, she had no problem with cussing, or yelling no whenever something displeased her. My niece, who is a speech pathologist explained that that type of language is stored in a different area of the brain. The common words we use without really thinking about them, like OK, sure, yes, no, and unfortunately swear words are easier to access when the brain in damaged, depending on the areas that are damaged. When my hubby gets loud and profane out in public, I just tell people he has dementia. People are overall pretty kind when they know what's going on. I hope this helps.
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Nazdrovia Jan 26, 2021
Thankyou it does 😊
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Whether it's dementia or just lack of filter, it's your father's 'right' to say and do as he pleases. Similarly, it's YOUR right to leave him home & see/deal with him as little as humanly possible.

We all make our choices in life and then live with the consequences of those choices.

Even if he has dementia, he'll eventually see that his behavior is causing you to back away from him & see him less & less. If he chooses to continue the rancid behavior, then he's made the decision to see less & less of his daughter. Unless his dementia is advanced, he's aware of what he's doing, the choices he's making, and the effect it's having on the relationship with his daughter.

Good luck!
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Nazdrovia Jan 20, 2021
Thats very interesting what you said of him being aware if what he's saying etc. I wondered many times if he does know this. My husband reckons he does know and doesnt care. I dont think he is advanced. However he has always put people in their place for most if his life, not caring if he offends them or not. Im finding myself wishing it would end more and more.
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Since your father gives you "the silent treatment and sulks if you say no to him," he knows exactly what he is doing and has full control of his behaviors, AND is manipulating you to comply to his requests.
The aforementioned indicates he is deliberately being rude, most likely because reactions entertain him, which in layman's terms, he could be described as "a two faced and nasty old man."

Unfortunately, if that's the case, then the only solution is to understand that he will not "change," because he is internally rewarded thru everyone's shocked reactions (positive or negative-as long as someone reacts). In other words, all of the reactions are his reward, and thus motivation to continue provoking, and eliciting reactions from others.

With that understanding you become empowered, due to the predictability of his behaviors.
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Nazdrovia Jan 23, 2021
Thankyou. That sounds incredibly true.
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With my mom she would make false accusations against me loudly in public or press my buttons and laugh when I would be standing there shaking trying to hold it in.
Now it has come back to haunt her.
She needs help to go shopping and I refuse to help her so now I do the shopping myself. She used to be a real social butterfly but now because I refuse to go out in public with her she is regulated to staying in one room in her house. It is pure living Hell for her but she deserves it.
May I suggest you politely and firmly inform your dad his behavior is not welcomed and if he does it again you will just walk away and leave him where he is. And, you will never go out in public with him again.
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Nazdrovia Jan 24, 2021
Yes i think I will do that.
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My very first question here at AC was about my dad’s rudeness and too frequent out loud thoughts. I received a consensus of answers that he had dementia. I took him to both family practice and neuropsych appointments for testing. He passed everything thrown at him with flying colors. To the week he died he continued to live alone, balance his checkbook, pay his bills, engage in conversation meaningfully on any number of topics, and be rational in every way. Except the mean or rude comments. His doctors told me repeatedly that it was a “loss of filters” and common in old age. During this time I saw an old teacher of mine, now in her 90’s, she’d been the sweetest, most docile person. She told me proudly that she’d enjoyed reaching the age where “I can say whatever I want” So I became a believer in the loss of filters (heck, maybe there’s a little part of me looking forward to it 😜) With my dad, I combatted it with some understanding (he was raised in a far different time with different norms) sometimes calling him out and trying to educate him (he did become less rude in some things or at least know it wouldn’t fly around me) and apologizing for him. He was kind and giving to his family and friends, just had this filter issue that we all grew tired of. If you can’t deal with it, it’s fine to not be around it
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Nazdrovia Jan 20, 2021
I've tried calling him out on his rudeness and comment making and he says i'm picking on him or whingeing at him. So now I just keep my mouth shut and walk away.
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Another trick I used was to interrupt mom. I knew when it was coming. This also worked well. It completely interrupted the sick, dying brain train of thought.
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Nazdrovia Jan 23, 2021
That's a good idea too. Thanks.
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How about looking at your father and saying firmly ‘Be Quiet’.

I did this once in a supermarket queue, and it came from the gut without me thinking. A couple my age were in the queue behind me, the guy looked like ‘I’m too important for this shopping, it’s stupid women’s work’. The person in front of me was having trouble at the checkout with their card and pin, and this guy starts up loudly saying blah blah blah. I turned around and said ‘Be Quiet’. His wife grinned, his face froze and he went totally silent.

If they really know that it's rude, Keep It Simple!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 23, 2021
I have a feeling that I would get into trouble if I responded like you did to certain people around me, but it would be incredibly satisfying to speak without a filter to a few annoying people! LOL

Come to think of it, I did have to be brutally honest with my husband’s grandmother in public a few times because her comments were so outrageous that I was afraid that I would be killed as the innocent bystander.

I can’t even repeat the things she said in restaurants, shopping centers, etc.

A few times, I pretended not to know her! LOL 😂
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Hello Naz, so sorry but I had to laugh. I would not take him out until he behaves. Try to reason with him but it might not work. Good luck! Please don't be mad about the laughing, we all need a good laugh these days.. My mother is a very quiet and reserved person most of the time and she still is out in public and at home but if she acted up I certainly would not take her out in public. One day we were at a store and I took my mom to the accessible restroom. She did not want us to change her clothes so it took some time She kept yelling don't strip me. Another time she was on the pot in the restroom, I had to go to the car to get some clothes she was soaked. My niece was with my mom .Someone kept knocking on the door and my niece thought it was me. She said just a minute and the gentleman said are you almost done I've got three kids out here. My niece said it is going to be awhile my grandmother is on the pot and can't get her up by myself. My mother replied I am a cripple you dam fool. She said it loud and clear. He left after that. I was so surprised at my mom, She never spoke like that to us or anyone else. The first story above I told her don't embarrass me or I will never take you out again. She has not acted up like that since the last time .I can reason with my mom but I know some folks it is more difficult. It just might be time not to take him in public any longer. Perhaps a nice ride in the country for an ice cream or park at the beach and enjoy the calmness of the ocean. I wish you the best, I know it is difficult but with small changes things might turn out for the better. The best to you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 23, 2021
EB,

My prim and proper godmother used to go out to lunch with my elderly cousin every week, who was also a very prim and proper woman.

My cousin said she would politely excuse herself to go to the ladies room.

When she went back to the table, my godmother would ask her in a very loud voice, “Did everything come out okay?” 😂 LOL

My cousin was embarrassed to go out to eat with her. Of course, later on we found out that my godmother had ALZ and eventually moved into a nursing home.

I made the mistake of asking my husband’s grandmother how she felt, just before dining in a fancy uptown restaurant. I was in my 20’s at the time. Trust me, never ever again did I ask her how she felt in public!

She blurted out, in a very loud voice, “I have tightness of the stool. I need a laxative!” 😂

LOL, I wanted to crawl under the table. Everyone heard her comment. The man at the next table pushed his plate away. She ruined his appetite. Others were either laughing or had shocked looks on their faces!

She didn’t have ALZ. She was just a nutcase! 😂
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I can only tell you what a co-worker did with her mom when out in public and she would make comments.  My friend made up little index cards with an apology on it something like this "please accept our apologies for any comments made, my (insert father/mother) has dementia and sometimes makes remarks that they normally would not make".  I don't know if this would help or not.  It can be tough.  My father said one time to me.........you must have put weight on because those pants make you fat.  I said yes they do........but I knew he never would have said that to me had he not had dementia.  If it gets to be too much, limit where you go (of course now with the virus, shouldn't be out too much) and how many people you get around.  Now if its friends of yours just explain the situation and hopefully they will understand.  I would not wish this on anyone.  wishing you luck.
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