Inappropriate comments in public. What do I do?

"Nazdrovia,"

Prior to the pandemic, I attended several support groups through the Alzheimer's Association. They passed out a card which I laminated that had their logo at the top and said: "My loved one has Alzheimer's disease (memory loss) and is sometimes confused. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

Most of the time I used it whenever we went to restaurants and doctor's offices. I would hand it to the wait staff when they approached the table and when I walked up to a receptionist's desk. That way it helped from having to explain things over and over and there was no awkwardness for either them or myself and not a word had to be exchanged in front of my mom.

Although it wouldn't help in circumstances that are spontaneous, it might be helpful in the situations I mentioned above. I'm sure it's so embarrassing for you. I just worry about one day something being said to the wrong kind of person and creating a scene.

The only thing I can think of is to have a doctor prescribe a medication (if he isn't already on one) to calm him down. I know when my mom was in rehab for three weeks after being in the hospital with COVID she was transferred to a new facility in their MC wing. She was combative and the staff told hospice and hospice let me know. I agreed to have her put on a low dose of an anti- anxiety/depression medication as long as she wouldn't be in la la land. Never had that type of problem again and she just gets it before bedtime. It helps her sleep much better and therefore her mood is better. She still has good days and bad days but not like when she arrived in May.

I hope you can find something to help for both your sakes and everyone else's!

Sounds like dementia.y dad would carry a bag of life savers and walk up to strangers and tell them their breath stunk. Lol. He almost got beat up a few times. He had advanced dementia.

I don't think it is so much dementia (which I think people use as an excuse way too much) as it is the time period this person grew up in. Perfectly acceptable words from the 1930-1950s are no longer acceptable now.

I remember taking my father to my daughter's softball game well before his mind started to go. He would point at a little girl and say "what a fattie". I don't think he meant it as an insult but it was. I was mortified. And yes I stopped inviting him to games. His mother was the same way, she would point out 'defects' as she saw them in others...and she was trying to be mean.

Thankyou all for your wonderful insightful help and experiences and great advice.

Putting others down is low self esteem. It makes you feel better about yourself. A whole bunch of complimenting him might curtail focus of others.
On a more cynical side if he is truly us rational and can follow a conversation...you could ask him, "is that what Jesus would say?" Or, I thought you were a Christian?

Just saying.

Wish I'd had a packet of those cards to hand people when I took FIL places.

He really was pretty racist (which, after the fact was pretty funny since we did DNA testing on DH's side of the family and there was about 10% of their genetic makeup from Africa--his ancestors had been slaveholders in VA for years. Not something we ever talked about, my kids are mortified)

ANYWAY--he finally stopped referring to anyone of color by the 'n' word and chose 'colored' instead which still made my toes curl.

The last stay in the hospital for him, he praised the 'little colored nurse' who cared for him. I got snarky and said "So what color IS she dad?" I guess I was just so tired of his bigotry.

I had such a hard time with this aspect of his otherwise sweet personality.

I wonder, if your dad preaches religion, does he expect people to behave nicely and appropriately as your religion teaches? If your Dad is a Christian and made a nasty comment I would ask him if he thought Jesus would say those things. Would Jesus be cruel and behave unkindly to others? Would Jesus/God be pleased with him or unhappy with him. The same can apply to other religions. It might not work, but if he is just saying what he likes for reaction or because he’s an old man and he can and he is a true believer, then it just might work.

Yes-- folks with dementia are terribly confused and quite angry about it--- when this "happens"-- use dementia/ Alzheimer's Number One Tactic-- redirect-- ask him an Important Question and do it with a smile on your face-- because-- normally when folks say nasty stuff- they automatically forget the reason why they said it-- and worse confusion happens. Jesus said it best-- Forgive them they know NOT what they do... and there is also the other option-- when he says nasty things -- ignore them. BUT-- even better-- take him places where he will not see a soul-- lie for a walk in the forest with his favorite dog. You don't have a dog-- get one-- they will for a while help ground someone with dementia only because they look up with such loyal eyes and always are full of energy and love.

Why do you take him to places to be around people ?
While I don't know when these situations happen, if he is around others you know, tell them in advance what may (likely) happen and they can decide whether to be around him or not.

Take him to the park where there is a lot of space so whoever he points to / makes comments will not be noticed.
Read TEEPA SNOW's website to learn about different dementias and how different parts of the brains work or no longer work and how the behavior changes.

Yes, I believe this is brain chemistry changing and he may not be able to stop as parts of the brain that would normally work are no longer working.

He might have dementia + his values and judgments are coming out due to no brain filters. I wouldn't say a nasty old man.

In other words, he could have felt this way 'all his life' although he was able to [control] keep his thoughts / opinions / insults to himself [as he then knew better than to blurt these offensive behaviors out loud.]

My dream is to be a stand up comedian. I have loads of material from some of my crazy relatives that have said inappropriate comments in public!

I should have written it all down. I remember a great deal of it though.

Imho, no doubt it is the dementia talking. My own mother, who did not have dementia, got me in trouble with some of the nurses during one of her many hospital stays. I say I was the one who got in trouble because the nurse expected me to keep my mother in line when she talked about someone of a different culture/nationality. Mother would verbalize how that person was different. Sheesh - let me crawl in some corner. So embarrassing.

I can only tell you what a co-worker did with her mom when out in public and she would make comments.  My friend made up little index cards with an apology on it something like this "please accept our apologies for any comments made, my (insert father/mother) has dementia and sometimes makes remarks that they normally would not make".  I don't know if this would help or not.  It can be tough.  My father said one time to me.........you must have put weight on because those pants make you fat.  I said yes they do........but I knew he never would have said that to me had he not had dementia.  If it gets to be too much, limit where you go (of course now with the virus, shouldn't be out too much) and how many people you get around.  Now if its friends of yours just explain the situation and hopefully they will understand.  I would not wish this on anyone.  wishing you luck.

Too funny, NeedHelp. LOL about the guy that lost his appetite. I would have kept on eating myself. Thanks for the funny story. I would have been very embarrassed too at twenty years old. Hope things are going well for DH and you.

The answer is YES , to both ..

First of all, this is totally unacceptable and I don't care if it is personality or not, it cannot be tolerated. Immediately put him firmly in his place so he understands and apologize to others that he has dementia and to please ignore his illness. Second, if he does this, why on earth are YOU taking him out in public. If he cannot be controlled, he belongs in a facility - not with you or in society.

Mind you often people who preach religion can be judgemental no? 🤣 My mum can say some things I tend to roll my eyes and say “I do apologise for my elderly mother” but would it work if you set some boundaries before you went out? E.g. Dad w are going shopping but can you not point at people in public as it’s offending people. Perhaps tell me what you think once we are home?” If not frankly it would have to be “I’m not sure we should go out today if you are
going to say things about people? Shall we try it but I’m bringing you home if it carries on.” He will be hostile like a toddler but I know at least a toddler grows out of it, whereas he is growing INTO IT! 😬

My mom's filter "went," when she had Alzheimer's, but it had the reverse effect of your dad's. She'd ask total strangers at the grocery store: "How's the family?" It's finer to ask that of people whom you know, but to complete strangers? Apparently, since in reality, my mom probably knew (or recognized) no one, she pretended to know everyone. I mouthed the word "Alzheimer's" to the other people, and they understood, (even if my mom didn't). Maybe you could do the same, so people would feel less insulted. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I viewed her indiscretions as part of the disease. Best of luck.

Hi Nazdrovia. I find that the people who preach religion constantly don't actually do anything but preach about it. They certainly don't live it. Much of the time when our "beloved" seniors think that because they've reached a certain age that it gives them a free pass to say anything they want no matter how hurtful or inappropriate without fear of consequences. Sometimes it's the dementia. Either way it means the person can't be taken out anymore.

Here's what you can do with your father.
Tell him you will no longer be taking him out of the house because his behavior is cruel, inappropriate and that being seen with him is an embarrassment you are no longer willing to bear. This is one way to handle it.
There's this way too.
When you have to bring him somewhere and he starts with the behavior treat him exactly the way you'd treat a child acting up. Call him out in front of everyone then make him apologize to the person he's talking about offensively.
I've had many homecare clients who thought they were entitled to say anything they might be thinking. I had one who every day had to keep telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I look fine, but she'd viciously critique everything you can imagine and this woman liked me. I used to take her out all the time. She was embarrassing in public about other people too. Her kids who rarely even saw her claimed she had dementia but it wasn't officially diagnosed.
One day it just got to me and I gave it back. I said that if she says one more thing I would leave her. That I'm the only person who goes to her house and helps her. I'm the only one who takes her out. I told her that no one else visits and her kids don't care. I told her that if I leave she can go rot in a nursing home because no one else is going to do for her.
She never made another comment to me again after that. She never made one to a stranger in public again either. Give this a try with your father.

With my mom she would make false accusations against me loudly in public or press my buttons and laugh when I would be standing there shaking trying to hold it in.
Now it has come back to haunt her.
She needs help to go shopping and I refuse to help her so now I do the shopping myself. She used to be a real social butterfly but now because I refuse to go out in public with her she is regulated to staying in one room in her house. It is pure living Hell for her but she deserves it.
May I suggest you politely and firmly inform your dad his behavior is not welcomed and if he does it again you will just walk away and leave him where he is. And, you will never go out in public with him again.

I am probably butchering the science here, but please bear with me. Mom had a serious stroke in 2009, which left here basically unable to speak. Her word finding was extremely hard, leaving her almost speechless. However, she had no problem with cussing, or yelling no whenever something displeased her. My niece, who is a speech pathologist explained that that type of language is stored in a different area of the brain. The common words we use without really thinking about them, like OK, sure, yes, no, and unfortunately swear words are easier to access when the brain in damaged, depending on the areas that are damaged. When my hubby gets loud and profane out in public, I just tell people he has dementia. People are overall pretty kind when they know what's going on. I hope this helps.

This is my feeling from a caregiver's point-of-view: This situation is causing you tremendous stress, which is understandable. It would cause me terrible stress.

As you know, stress is not healthy for you and can take its toll over time.
So my short answer is to not travel with your father once you have tried all the suggestions. I thought "be quiet," might work as it is a direct command without any editorializing or explaining.

I do understand, deeply, how awful this situation is. I hope you can work this out.

It might be the beginnings of dementia. As mentioned below, the filters change. I also noticed that with my father, who I think had slight dementia when he passed away in his 90s. My father was hard of hearing, and he also spoke his comments in a very loud voice in public. We were in a museum and he loudly commented on how bad the art was! My experiences with my mother (with advanced dementia now) is that you can't do much to change people who have dementia. Often they are no longer capable of learning. Everyone is different. Some people don't realize that their minds are declining. So you have to be gentle with him, try to change the subject if that works. With my mother I had to stop taking her to restaurants, because she forgot her table manners and behaved like a young child, playing with her food.

Hello Naz, so sorry but I had to laugh. I would not take him out until he behaves. Try to reason with him but it might not work. Good luck! Please don't be mad about the laughing, we all need a good laugh these days.. My mother is a very quiet and reserved person most of the time and she still is out in public and at home but if she acted up I certainly would not take her out in public. One day we were at a store and I took my mom to the accessible restroom. She did not want us to change her clothes so it took some time She kept yelling don't strip me. Another time she was on the pot in the restroom, I had to go to the car to get some clothes she was soaked. My niece was with my mom .Someone kept knocking on the door and my niece thought it was me. She said just a minute and the gentleman said are you almost done I've got three kids out here. My niece said it is going to be awhile my grandmother is on the pot and can't get her up by myself. My mother replied I am a cripple you dam fool. She said it loud and clear. He left after that. I was so surprised at my mom, She never spoke like that to us or anyone else. The first story above I told her don't embarrass me or I will never take you out again. She has not acted up like that since the last time .I can reason with my mom but I know some folks it is more difficult. It just might be time not to take him in public any longer. Perhaps a nice ride in the country for an ice cream or park at the beach and enjoy the calmness of the ocean. I wish you the best, I know it is difficult but with small changes things might turn out for the better. The best to you.

These filter changes do happen with dementia and I don’t believe they have any real control over it but depending on where they are in the journey they can recognize and control when reminded, sometimes. My Mom for instance can be gently reminded by saying “Mom she could hear that” or something quietly just to mom and she will react as though she didn’t realize she said whatever it was out loud. I typically use a private agreement type approach that indicates I get what she is saying but would never say it out loud kind of thing. In our case my mom is very hard of hearing though so I’m often not quite sure if she just doesn’t know how loud she is being or is simply missing her life long filter. I will say she swears often which is not what I grew up with and it’s always a bit shocking to hear her say these things or even speak negatively about someone but I try to take it in stride and make it a between us sort of thing. You could give the inside joke thing a try rather than scolding him which probably makes him dig his heels in more but it may not work in his case. Getting mad and setting boundaries I think is unlikely to work because he really doesn’t have control of the filter and isn’t understanding the social faupau he’s committing anymore, it’s apt to simply make you more frustrated than stop him. I love the card idea, we had one for my mom when she ventured out on her own after her stroke (aphasia) but one for us to hand out is a great idea! From my perspective not only does it help explain the current situation it helps educate the public about what might be going on with elderly people who commit these offenses. It’s very much like being with a young child who is curious about the world and hasn’t learned to have a filter yet, the world tends to let their comments slide more “mommy why is that woman so fat?” “Because I don’t exercise enough” smile, wink rather than “how dare you!” which might be more of what you get when your dad says the same thing (without the mommy part). The sad truth is the filter issue isn’t much different except for the fact your elder can’t learn to have a filter, in fact it may simply get worse. But if you find a way to deal with it for yourself, so you aren’t feeling so guilty and put out, it won’t be so bad and might even be a way to educate that you can feel good about. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could give each other knowing smiles rather than scowls when our elders do these embarrassing things the way we do with young children?

It is always interesting to read everyone's comments. What I have discovered is that what works one time might not work another time. For each of us going through this "valley of dementia" with our loved ones we can hold on to one truth. Dementia/Alzheimers/Parkinsons etc. changes our loved ones - it changes us as well. 40 years ago, my Dad was visiting our home and mistook who I was and pushed a $50 bill in my hand and tried to kiss me. I pushed against him and he landed on our sofa. I left the house with my daughter and stayed away several hours. The next day, my doctor arranged to see my Dad. During the course of his visit, I put an inside lock on our master bedroom door. He never had any memory of this incident but it was upsetting. I had to realize he was disoriented and in his right mind he would never do this.

Now, my husband has dementia/alzheimers and I have done all I can to educate myself so I can aide him and the number #1 rule is "the disease is to blame" and "not to take things personally". Easier said than done. For all of us...it is indeed stressful and there are so many triggers...hang in. Use support systems and this forum, and I wish each of you patience, comfort and strength.

You have to SET LIMITS--if he makes so much as one more rude comment you can refuse to take him out. The problem with some elderly, roles get reversed and you become the parent to one's own parent.

When people have dementia, their formal social controls break down. Most people use appropriate filters, for the most part - until their brains are not working properly.

For example, my aunt was formerly an old-fashioned schoolmarm with the gray hair in a bun. She developed dementia and began to lose her filter. At her assisted-living place, she became obsessed with using the word "ass." When her daughter, my cousin, would come to visit, Aunt M. would point to one of the aides and say, "Look at the fat ass on that one!"

My father, who also had dementia, started using the F-bomb a lot when he was in assisted living. Although he was a factory worker and might use rough language at work, he did not use it in social settings - until he got dementia.

Basically, you just need to learn to "go with the flow" regarding these inappropriate comments and not let them get to you.

Also, it may get to the point where you can no longer take him out in public.

Thankyou to all who have answered. Your advice has been very helpful and valuable.

Definitely sounds like dementia. Part of dementia, especially Alzheimer's type, is noted to have a loss of executive functions - decision-making. At some point, sufferers lose their social filter, anything they think of is said. Sorry that you are learning about his unsavory thoughts and that he can not keep from saying what he thinks. Just remember that these are his perceptions and not yours. You do not have to excuse his behavior or condone it. but accept it as part of who he is. You may counter his unsavory public opinions that malign others with more flattering ones, especially in the hearing of those others who may not understand his problems. With COVID still as a problem, it might be wiser to limit his interactions with outsiders... and it will limit doing unthinking damage.

How about looking at your father and saying firmly ‘Be Quiet’.

I did this once in a supermarket queue, and it came from the gut without me thinking. A couple my age were in the queue behind me, the guy looked like ‘I’m too important for this shopping, it’s stupid women’s work’. The person in front of me was having trouble at the checkout with their card and pin, and this guy starts up loudly saying blah blah blah. I turned around and said ‘Be Quiet’. His wife grinned, his face froze and he went totally silent.

If they really know that it's rude, Keep It Simple!