I’m just thinking...If my mom lives to be 100, I will be 70 years old caring for her.
What a depressing thought...
Sometimes, when I think of how long this has gone on and how long it can go on, it boggles my mind.
It wouldn’t be as bad if I could emotionally unwind. My mom thinks up petty BS to worry about and wants me to take it seriously, which I am not going to. I really dislike chronic worrying.
I am not talking about legitimate concerns. The petty crap though drives me absolutely insane. I lose patience when she won’t accept that those things don’t matter. Then I feel bad about losing my patience.
You know, stupid stuff like not being able to find a hairbrush or a shoehorn like the one she bought a bazillion years ago! Wanting me to go to 10 stores after hubby gets home to be with her to find that specific brush. Uh, nope! I will never find one exactly like she had.
No matter what kind I get she will say it isn’t right. Even if I let her pick something off of Amazon, something will be wrong. Chronic worrying and complaining is the worst! It’s emotionally exhausting. If I walk off, she won’t forget the stupid nonsense that she is obsessing about.
Does anyone else deal with this crap? If I send my kids to the store for something and they deviate a tiny bit, I don’t think to complain about it. I simply say thanks to them.
When I confront her she tells me that she isn’t complaining and that I need to overlook whatever she says.
It’s just ridiculous stuff. My nephew and his wife visited our home a few months ago from Tucson. I was extremely close to my nephews while they were growing up. I was the fun aunt that did everything with them, even if it terrified me!
At the 1984 World’s fair here in New Orleans there was a giant Ferris Wheel. I hated it but went on it for them. They loved adventure and my nephew ended up jumping out of airplanes as a paratrooper in the army.
They were great kids and are wonderful men now. My daughter got out all of the photos that I have of them as kids to show his wife and kids. We had a great time going down memory lane.
One photo that I had on mom’s dresser was put back in a different spot. She had a fit! Why do they obsess over things like that? She has always done this, not new behavior. I made a point to break the cycle and not be like her!
It wouldn’t matter if she was in my house or out of my house. Recently when she was at the nursing home for three weeks for rehab she thought up all kinds of petty stuff when I went to see her. I even skipped going to see her for a day after her foolishness and the very next time I visited she brought it up immediately. Her memory is incredibly sharp! She has no clue as to how annoying her behavior is. I have had to tell her that I need time to myself. I will read, listen to music or watch something on tv to relax.
If others are going through this, what do you say to your parents? Telling them not to obsess doesn’t make a difference because she says she isn’t obsessive. She is! She has always been a perfectionist.
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From my experience in this life I have found that it can be hard sometimes for females within the family to see eye to eye. I haven't yet figured out why that is.
I could give you 2000 more examples so you'd know that I fully get what you're saying, but then we'd both need Alka Seltzers.
The worst part is when I tell her to stop complaining and she says I'm Not Complaining, I'm Just Talking. Like the guy on the airplane who yells Bomb? He can tell the police he was Just Talking, too, as they cart him away in handcuffs
So eventually I will look at her and say (cheerfully/politely), "I'm done talking about the weather now" and then I pick another topic, preferably one she can't participate in too much, which doesn't always deter her. If I have the energy I try to think up questions that she really has to think deeply about and doesn't have pat answers for (like for politics).
Decades ago my MIL would go on and on about her loser husband and bad finances (both of which she brought upon herself). This went on for literally years and years. Even calling her son (my husband) while he was at work to complain. Since he and I work together I knew how often this happened. Finally one day I just straight-up told her (but politely) that since we are well aware of all her problems (because we've been trying to help her solve them to no avail) they are now dead topics because there was never any new info and she rejected all the reasonable solutions. Then if she ever brought them up again, I'd change the topic completely away from her and go on as if that segue was perfectly natural. She'd look startled and confused for a moment. Eventually she got the clue. This was before she had dementia. She has returned to doing it now that she does have dementia and I still practice the Sudden Segue maneuver...and it still works to keep me sane. Hope you find something that works for you!
I hate to say it but I never want to worry again for the rest of my life. My mom has enough anxiety for 10 million people! It drives me insane that she constantly worries about stupid crap!
I keep telling her that it is her choice if she wants to worry herself to death but to please leave me out of it. I understand legitimate reasons to worry but not for freakin nonsense!
I continue to walk away when she starts. I simply cannot listen to it anymore. I hit my threshold of pain.
So she thinks she can pull out the big guns! Calling my brothers and making up crap to tell them. It’s just ridiculous. So frustrating and depressing.
My gosh, I was dealing with my own age decline. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership didn't phase my parents, who were now both in their 90's. Hey, my ladder climbing days are over, you'll have to hire someone.
Back when I was growing up, Dad and I were terrified to do any grocery shopping for Mom without her there. Never failed, we always brought home something she didn't like. Thank goodness she wasn't as fussy when she was in her 90's. Ok, not quite as fussy, but heaven forbid if a product changed it's label.
I think we need to step in our parent(s) shoes for a little while to view life as they see it. They can't hop in the car and drive to the mall to have lunch with friends. Most friends have either moved or passed on. They wake up with aches and pains. Their eyesight and hearing are fading. And clothes just don't fit anymore. Gone are the fun TV shows of the 1950's. And that noise is today's younger generation's music... sorry no more Frank Sinatra type songs where you can understand the words. Forget about movies, all flying people and flying cars :P
Oh my gosh, I am now sounding like my late parents :P I find myself at my age getting bored at times so I fuss around. Thank goodness for researching the family tree.... maybe your Mom might enjoy helping you with that. I know I have a ton of photos of people I have no clue who they are.... [sigh].
It helps just knowing others understand how I feel. It’s true about labels changing! Yes, the same conversations over and over! I feel like my brain is turning to mush from no stimulation.
We have home health coming over. PT reminds her to take larger steps because you know how Parkinson’s patients shuffle their feet and it can cause a fall.
Well, PT said sometimes they only have to stop walking and it resets the brain if they focus on larger steps and when I see her shuffling to remind her to do larger steps.
Yesterday I told her nicely to please take larger steps. She looks at me and says, “I am doing my best and I will do it my way.” I responded by saying that I knew she couldn’t help it due to the Parkinson’s disease but that she needs to follow the physical therapist orders and I was only reminding her of that. She takes it as criticism from me. If they tell her to do it she immediately does it.
Mom will be 90 next month and has no sign of any sort of life-threatening conditions. I could easily see her living to 100+. I, on the other hand, am a mere mortal.
Yep! Anxiety is her middle name! I hate it. She has everything done for her by me. She still complains. I will never do this to my kids.
Treatment is available. Get your loved ones seen by a doc who can competently evaluate and medicate.
Yeah, because her anxiety is ramping up. It’s not always legitimate stuff.
She has worried all of her life about this or that but it does seem worse. She does not want meds. So, I can’t force her but I can walk away for now and when financially able to place her somewhere.
She will have to go because my brothers can’t do it, one has heart issues and the other is working full time. Even if they could hire someone they would not do it. Sometimes it works out to care for others and sometimes it doesn’t.
In this case it has run it’s course. It sounds mean but I want it to be over, the sooner the better.