What can I do? My father is belligerent with me and now has ruined the relationship with my wife and my in-laws.

You don't say how old Mom and Dad are? How old are you?

Even when not suffering from Dementia, I think parents get selfish as they age. They see they need more help as they age and they want a child to do the helping. Its not practical for you to quit a job and move above them. Tell Dad that. Set boundries now. Your responsibility is to your wife and your future. You need those years for SS. You tell Dad how it is. Let him be mad. Don't give in. Bible says a man leaves his parents and clings to his wife. Call Office of Aging and find what resourses are out there.

Your wife should come first. Why would you even consider putting your family through this? Place your parents in an AL home, visit them, and keep an eye on their care, they have lived their lives on their own terms...as should you.

Don’t do it. Your wife and your life come first. They are being selfish and manipulative. You say ruined my relationship with my wife. Has she left you? I think you may have to shoulder some of that by placing your parents before your wife

sit down and make it clear to them that moving in will never happen and then say something like I will see you again in a week while you let this sink in. You have to be firm

Please read this and think about where your responsibilities truly lie.


https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-limits-of-our-responsibility-451189.htm?orderby=recent

And I'd love to have $2,000,000.00 in a retirement account so I don't have to work my butt off in my old age, but that's not gonna happen either. There comes a time when it's no longer safe or reasonable for elderly people to continue living in their homes. Especially when it involves ruining relationships and being belligerent in the process. As an only child, like I also am, ALL the responsibility falls on us, and so does all the guilt and all the head games involved. It's exhausting and after awhile, it becomes totally unmanageable. Are you willing to risk your entire lifestyle and your marriage in a noble effort to keep them home? And if so, why? My parents were placed in Assisted Living back in 2014 and mom is now in the Memory Care section. She would have died long ago had she stayed at home because of dementia, physical limitations, and no sense of safety whatsoever. She's fed 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, she's entertained, she gets physical therapy weekly, she has doctors and dentists come to HER, she watches movies and socializes with people her own age every day. She makes arts and crafts and bakes goodies, has dress up events and holiday parties many times a year. Assisted Living is not the nightmare some make it out to be, nor is it like living at home. It's better. I only wish I had the means to live in a place like my mother lives if and when the time comes for me to be 92. Because I refuse to be a burden to any one of the 7 children I have with my husband. And life in an ALF beats the hell out of the boredom of nothing to do at home!
So that's my suggestion....go tour some places and talk to the RESIDENTS about how they like living there. Find privately owned communities vs. Corporate owned money machines. Speak with the caregivers and see how they like working there. That will give you a good idea of what your parents can expect in their new home and lifestyle. It's a win-win situation for everyone, if you play your cards right.
Best of luck

It's really impractical for you to quit your job to care for them full time and I would think that if your broke down the numbers for him your dad could see that. Take emotion out of the equation for a moment and write down how much you earn including what your employer pays for healthcare, retirement and SS taxes. Then include raises over say the next 10 years, can he guarantee that along with vacation and respite time, does he want to? Is setting up a business relationship with you and your wife worth it to him or would it be better to make other outside the family arrangements for caregivers and have you as their DPOA and support system? I'm with you I prefer to be the support system, depending on my aging parents for employment seems like a sticky set up and ripe for misunderstanding, suspicion and power plays even when no one goes into it with that intent.

Then I would go over the options realistically with them and decide as a family the best course of action. Take some time to check out IL and AL facilities, look at situations that would allow for increasing the level of care on the same campus if the need arises. Look at the options of renting the apartment upstairs at a discount in return for care giving it that's a suitable situation, maybe there is a school nearby with nursing, medical, PT, CNA programs with students that would fit well. Maybe you and your wife do move in but supervise and take care of the house with caretakers coming in during the week while you continue in your own jobs. Whatever options you look at be sure to plan for more future needs as they will likely increase, make sure the funds and plan is in place for all contingencies and maybe involve an elder care/estate attorney as well.

Tough stuff. Your dad ruined your relationship with your wife or his relationship with your wife? I hope it is the latter. As said before, choose carefully between your parents and your wife. You don't have to abandon your parents to choose your wife. You can still be there for them, but don't need to take on a caregiving role to do so.

If they need a caregiver 5 days a week (and you on weekends??), it looks like AL would be an appropriate choice. They probably won't like it but it is sounding like it is probably the right answer.

Will your parents be reasonable to see that they need more help than they can get at home? You have to try to get them to understand that you are not willing or able to give up your current work and relationships in order to fulfill their growing needs.

Good for you for setting boundaries.

I am also a Lone Ranger caregiver from 3 states away. You have a situation where it’s become what they need, not what they want. Their wants have become unsustainable.

For many of us it takes a crisis to make the move out of the home into assisted living. For me it was a series of bad falls and worsening dementia.

A lot of this may also depend on what authority you have such as POA. Many elders can SEEM competent but are not, have no executive reasoning, do not want to move and have no idea the stress they are placing on families. You have to power through this. Your folks are going to have to do some things they don’t want to do pretty soon. This is the hard reality