I’m in need of a little boost. LO is in a depression and it’s getting me down. I know I should cheer her up.

That is such a hard situation. I feel for you and her both.

My MIL spent 90% of her time in her lift chair (Command Central) watching TV. One way to make her happy was to bring down the family dog and let her throw him ice chips. She loved to watch him jump for those. When they were done, they spent several minutes loving on each other.

Perhaps there is visiting animal organization in your area? I know there is one here that comes to our local schools and libraries. Or, perhaps you could get her to visit the local animal shelter to socialize with the animals?

Not sure I have an answer except prayer. I am in the same boat. I just try and get my husband out to breakfast about the only thing we do. All he does is watch tv and I wat h along with him Going to the doctors is our primary outing. Not sure you can cheer her up. You both will have good and bad days. I am getting ready to try and get him to go to adult daycare. I think he will like it. Have you tried that

What is LO????????? Then I will try to respond. Thanks.

You could see a psychiatrist who could give you an rx for a low dose anti depression med. No need to be ashamed as that's what there is business for. Big Hugs ((( ))).

How do you NOT get dragged down into the mire of depression when you're faced with a constant litany of complaints and vocal death wishes? For me, I can say See You Later Mom, get in the car and vamoose the Memory Care facility my mom lives in. If you are living in the same house as your depressed LO, I guess you should leave the room and do something for YOU. Perhaps a bubble bath or a manicure? I am an empathic personality type, so it's very hard for me to NOT absorb the emotions my loved ones are feeling. But at least I recognize it and take steps to disengage from the negativity. I suggest you take as much time for yourself as is humanly possible, and remember that this situation is temporary.
By the way, did your MIL get some relief from the vertigo? I left a message on your profile page about our previous discussion on the subject. Best of luck to you, my friend

Honestly friend Mary Bee, I wouldn't dwell on the troubles of your LO 2much, (cuz it's not possible to solve all their problems)... & it's a lot of pressure to feel like you should. We can be kind & faithful caregivers without letting it consume our minds & world. My mom was 91, & simply complained constantly, which I had to accept. But I let go of feeling responsible for her every whim. Mom was extremely needy & lived an entitled life with my dad until he died. At first I did feel lots of responsibility to fix all her issues, but that was really unrealistic & tiring. God bless.

I always say the best medicine for depression is going back to good memories.
Take her back to old times through photo albums, old family videos, old books ..music..movies made during her younger years. Caring for loved ones is so challenging. I care for my mom. Before you help implement these memories for her, do the same for yourself first. Place yourself in the mood you are trying to express to her ;-)

Play the song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams; it may at the very least put a smile on your face.

My mom found herself in your situation. She used to clip out especially funny cartoons and keep them in a folder (I would suggest a scrapbook) to revisit and share. I would recommend that! Aside from humor, good old sunshine and fresh air. Try to get yourself and your LO out of the house and into the sun however you can. Sit outside, go for a ride in the car, open a window. The last thing is aroma therapy. Any aroma that makes you feel happier is good.....citrus, fresh mown grass, or chocolate brownies......:)

Hugs!

Have you tried good clean comedy? Pillow talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson, African Queen with Humphrey Bogart and Catherine Hepburn come to mind when I think of comedy. You can also go to YouTube and watch silly videos about most subjects, animals, babies, oh babies belly laughing, it's hard not to find joy in that.

Maybe start a project documenting her memories of family, get her to tell stories while you video record. Gotta look good for all the future generations that will be enjoying your story, need a little sun on those cheeks, don't want to scare the young'uns.

These will help change the atmosphere and help all of you. Depression can permeate a house.

Sometimes the caregiver becomes as one with the receiver of the care. Because of the closeness, you are both suffering. I have learned that most old people are negative and that negativity can spread like wild fire. My brother and I just placed his father and his wife in AL, he is 90, has every health issue known to man and is deaf, she has dementia. They are in a beautiful home, but, all they do is bitch, whine and complain. I finally told them to keep their negativity to themselves, I am sick of listening to it as they are very fortunate to have the funds to live in this 5 star home, few do. They have improved, even my brother mentioned it to me that they have gotten more positive.

I am in the exact same predicament as you are so I know how you feel. Sometimes I can't sleep at night from the worry and bee dragged down myself. My mam is very independent and stays up until about 1am in the morning, won't read or do any activities, puzzles, knitting etc. So I start getting frustrated looking at her just sitting there staring at TV. Mam won't sit in the sun and I have to have the fire blazing every day. So even my daughter's won't stay in the room. But the best thing I have done was bought a record player and old Vinal records. She loves to listen to them and BV seems happier in herself now. How long this will last is in god's hands. I want you to know I am very much thinking of you and make sure you have friends calling to you and bringing a little light in to your life. Xxxxx See the carers are always forgotten about.

When my DH first started showing signs of depression, I knew it was time for Zoloft for him and it really really helped. I also started preparing him for the day that people that passed before him would be coming for him and not to be afraid. He was on Zoloft for better than a year and I was thankful to have recognized the need.

For myself, I turned to Ashwagandha - although the doctor wanted to put me on Zoloft too, I refused, I needed to be 100% alert at all times to tend to my DH. The Ashwagandha allowed me to stay calm and to return to sleep when he awakened me hourly to void.

You can google Ashwagandha to learn more about it. It is not a drug, it is a root, an ayurvedic.

It is so hard. You are using your energy being a caregiver. This makes you more vulnerable to “catching” someone else’s emotional state. Not to mention the natural sadness that comes from seeing a loved one deteriorate. A couple of things I would encourage for self care: 1) See if you can bring in some respite caregivers. The Area Agency on Aging may be able to help with this, or a local support group which you might be able to find online or at a local medical center. 2) Consider using some of that respite time to see a counselor/therapist to help you with managing what you are going through. Use the rest of the respite time to do something that has always brought you joy. It is so critical for caretakers to remember to take care of themselves.
My parents both also experience depression and question why this is happening. I sympathize with them and say, “I know it’s hard. I’m so sorry this is happening. But one thing I want you to know is that we all love you, and we will always make sure you are safe and cared for. You don’t have to do this alone.” Note that I do not promise I will always be with them 24/7. Sometimes too I’ll tell them how strong they are and how much I admire the strength they show every day. Lastly, when they begin to speak about death or wish for death, I have told them both that if they hear God calling, it is OK to let go, that they do not have to fight to stay here. I let them know I will understand, and though I will miss them, I’ll be ok.
‘Of course, with the dementia, we have these discussions somewhat often. The depression happens often, and they do not remember the things I have said. (They are both on medication for the depression, and really should not be given more for a number of reasons.) One other technique I have read seems to work with agitated seniors is offering/giving ice cream. The cold sensation can be distracting and the sweet creamy taste can be uplifting. The facility where my folks are always keep ice cream cups handy for this purpose.
I hope some of this helps in some small way. You are a very special person to be doing this caretaking, You will remain in my thoughts for strength and comfort.

I certainly understand where you are. My husband is the same way. He does not question his existence but is just down.
I find myself going’s down with him. I pray you have family and friends I find if I get him out he does better for the day. We go for breakfast. I try and take him to a senior center. I don’t really have any answers for you but wanted to let you know I understand.
Blessings
eloise

Personally I don’t agree with platitudes. People want to be heard and validated. When she says she doesn’t know why she's still here, just empathize and say something like you know it’s hard. Did I understand you to say she’s afraid to die? Or was that about someone else? If so then can you invite her pastor over so she can share her feelings? Is she having anyone visit her?
Also is she on hospice? If so then they have volunteers who can visit with her. I have other thoughts but will wait on your response.

You know, there’s just something helpful about having a forum like this where you can get things off your chest. “Thanks for listening” you guys💕

My answer when asked the question is “Because I need someone to visit and I love to come here and see you”.
My prickly LO knows I mean it, so after I say it I move right along to gossipy chitchat.
I will thank you for posting because I’ve worked on LO’s finances all day and it’s really nice to have the chance to chat with you instead of writing checks.

Hoping both of you find tomorrow a little sunnier!!!!

One of my aunt’s favorite stories was about my uncle, who insisted on a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. He was a doomsayer as well. But, when he wound up in the hospital, very ill and they clarified with him that he was a DNR, $h*+ got real, as they say, and he panicked and he rescinded the order. He decided he’d had enough of his own drama and wanted them to do everything they could to save him.

MaryBee, I see from your profile that you are caring for someone who has parkinson's disease. With any type of illness, there comes some type of depression. I guess I would also be asking "I don't know why God still has me here" if I were in your friend's place, too. Apparently God does has a reason.

I recently read that humor/laughter is the best medicine. There is this young girl, looks like she is 15, who is in a wheelchair that comes to the hospital every Saturday morning [I volunteer there] with her Mom, as she needs transfusions. The girl has her hair colored in pink, green and blue just for fun. She and her Mom have a fantastic relationship, always smiling/laughing. Recently the teen now has a mobilized wheelchair, there is no stopping her now. She is living life to the fullest in her situation :)

So, start cheer-leading, if you can !! Think of fun things to do, even if it means dragging your friend along.... at least get her outside into the sunshine [sun can be great, my cats are always in a sunbeam to recharge]. Check the local newspaper for free thing to do, like a concert in the park, or is she shy about her condition? If yes, think about that 15 year old girl, she doesn't care if people see her in her wheelchair.

Is it possible that your happiness is tied to her's? That's over identifying with your loved one's emotions and is best that you detach. She or both of you may need an anti-depressant from the doctor. Is it possible for you to get some caregivers who can give you some breaks?