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I am caregiver for my mother here in Canada and my grandmother whom I love dearly has her own caregiver in Jerusalem. I am at my wits end because grandma (after a stroke) is suddenly displaying end-stage signs of dementia. I am awake throughout the night speaking with the caregiver there and then during the day I care for my mother (GM's daughter).
I tried to speak with my siblings about how bad Grandma is getting and none of them are making an effort to inquire or even discuss it with me.
Just now I called my brother and said Grandma is in and out of consciousness - I am so worried and he responded "now what? Am sure she's fine. There's nothing you can do so stop torturing yourself."
I try not to bother them I tell them only bare minimum info. But, I feel I am alone in this. When I cry at the thought of grandma passing my sister says "we'll all be upset you know"


I know Her passing is inevitable but I can't act like them and wash my hands of the situation.


No one will pick up slack/ duties here with mom for me to go to grandma.


Any advise?


My guilt for not being by her side and my fears have me in a knot.

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Sammy, thanks for explaining your situation more fully. Of course you are upset. The lack of empathy not just for your dying grandma but also for YOU is appalling. I hope you can get to see your grandma, and then start taking steps to take control of your life again. You deserve to live it on your terms!
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I'd say saying goodbye to your grandmother trumps the urgent driveway resurfacing. This is b***s*** - your jet-setting POA siblings need to hire respite care and get you on the plane,

Write a list, add up the money, tell them exactly what you need.

I feel angry for you. I bet I'm not the only one who would.
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Linda22 Jun 18, 2019
Agreed, CM. When my grandma (whom I really loved) had a stroke, I could only fly back once. So the decision was while she was with us, or for a funeral. I arrived to find two of my cousins made the same decision. She couldn't speak but was quite clear of mind, surrounded by her family. I was sad when she passed, but am gratefully to this day that I went when it really mattered to she and I. Time for you to flex - you're caring for your mom while they live their lives.
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Sammy, how did a young man of 28 become responsible for the wellbeing of his mother? Your mother can't have been more than in her sixties when this began. What are the issues that make her so dependent on your care?

You're 42 and it does sound as if life has become very difficult. I'm sorry that you're now feeling torn, and so worried about your grandmother. Are you in touch with anyone outside the family, such as therapists, support workers or religious ministers, who it might help to talk to?
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SammyS Jun 18, 2019
English is mom's second language and when my sister died (30 years ago) mom stopped all self-care. I now understand she was depressed but it manifested into hypertension. Then kidney failure followed by heart attacks and transplants and rheumatoid arthritis and broken bones. Alot of homecare after surgeries and procedures because she always had delayed healing issues. Siblings reactions vary: "eww gross", "ya, I could never bath anyone", "and this is why you get to live rent-free" "thank God you know how to do that", etc...

And... as I am typing this I am realizing that I clearly need to speak to someone. Lol Ya, I need support other then what I hoped for / expected from siblings.
I am the oldest daughter and I can see my resentment grow as my siblings travel on vacations. My "vacations" is a car ride with mom to a hotel in the mountains.

My grandma was my go-to. My support system on the phone. She used to be the strongest women I ever knew. Grandma is my heart.

Thanks to this forumn and your questions I am figuring things out.
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Is there a way that you could set up a Skype session with your grandmother and her caregiver? Maybe if you see her and talk to her, it will help you determine whether you need to go to her. If you decide you do, then tell your siblings that you are going to go and, if they don't want to fill in for you with mom, you will hire someone to do so. When my dad was dying, I paid probably double what I should have to get on a plane and go see him (I'm in NY and he was in FL). Due to family issues, I hadn't seen him in 20 years but I just felt I needed to see him one last time. I am glad I did. It gave us both closure. If you need that closure, you should definitely go no matter what your siblings think.
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SammyS Jun 18, 2019
They control the money.
I ask them for money for gas. One sibling has the caregiver and disability money and she says "it's Pays for mom meds. If you need something just ask- I will see what I can do"
To travel to grandma they need to hire someone to help here and help me with plane ticket.
I said I want to go grandma and the responce was lukewarm "but we have to redo the driveway" etc.

Anyways- the $$ situation needs a different forumn post.

Basically, I need to come to terms that my goodbyes to grandma will be by skpe and ... I already feel resentment to my siblings for it.
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Sammy, I have quite a lot of questions, I'm afraid.

How old are you?
How old is your mother?
What are the duties you mention? - what are your mother's care needs?
Is your mother aware of how ill her mother is?
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SammyS Jun 17, 2019
Hey,
I am 42
caregiver to mom for 14 years. Depends on the day, bath her if bad day. Cooking, cleaning, meds, appointments, etc on regular days.

Mom is aware and sad but she shuts down. Wether dealing with her mom issues or her own, my mom shuts down (wont talk, turns to tv)

I see grandma all the time. The caregiver is camera happy. She sends videos of grandma crying. She sends picture of grandma trying to eat, etc...

Thanks for trying to figure me out.
today was the first time I felt like I should just start mourning. I don't want to be a pessimist but it was a sad day because grandma was admitted last night due to an infection and renal failure.
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What sort of a reaction do you want or expect from your siblings?

Your grandma is overseas and is receiving medical care, there is nothing they can do to improve her situation, from home, and really nothing they could do if they went to see her.

When my Dad has a massive stroke 5 years ago, I did go see him in the hospital. It cost me 1.5 days work as well as $$$ travel costs. When we knew he could be stabilized and would go into rehab, I did not cancel a planned, paid for trip, leaving 2 weeks later.

Some may feel I should have stayed by his bedside, but there is nothing I could have done.

Why do you feel you need more than one update per day on how grandma is doing? Staying up most the night either calling or waiting for calls is causing you additional stress, but does not change grandma’s situation.

We had a situation where a family member was calling the hospital 6+ times a day. It was taking time away from patients and other duties and in no way improved the care that was being received.

If you feel you must go to see your Grandma, then it is up to you to arrange respite care for Mum.
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Reply to Tothill
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I don't think its not they don't care, I think it is she is in the Mideast and ur here in Canada. What can they really do? What do you want them to do? Someone get on a plane and be there with her? Is this possible? And since she is overseas, do they really know her?
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Care giving exerts a constant stress on us and often when another stressing events occurs we react more emotionally and have a more difficult time coping as we are double stressed. Your disconnect with your siblings might be more about they are only dealing with one major stressor while you are dealing with two than any lack of concern. When looking for someone to talk with I have found cousins to be a blessing; they know the family but don't have the same kind of rivalries as siblings. Sometimes a venting lunch with a friend helps. And then there's prayer and a faith in God. I find telling God about all my concerns and asking His blessings on the people I'm worrying about to be very comforting.

If you feel a need to see Grandma at least one more time before she dies, then make arrangements for some respite care for your mother and go. You do not need to justify why you want to visit Grandma. Ask a sibling or cousin (or two or three) if they can come to your home and care for Mom for some time frame or if Mom can spend a few days at their house. If that doesn't work out, then seek in home care; maybe your siblings would help with the cost.
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Reply to TNtechie
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Can you find respite care for your mother so you can go to Grandma? Leave sibs out of it. They obviously are no help and only upset you. Pay for the respite care from Mom’s funds.
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