I want to move my Mom in my home but my husband does not. What do I do?

You have a good heart and you are a genuinely caring person. Unless you could afford to hire a live-in caregiver, I think I would agree what mostly has been recommended here ..allbeit some in a pull-no-punches style, but I suppose that is meant to bring the realities of caregiving to light and not to offend your sense of loyalty.

DO NOT DO IT, You say your mother has dementia and clearly a hospt of other things. Right now she may be sweet and smiling but imagine she gets to a stage of demanding constant attention, critisizing everything you try to do, screaming when you try and move her, sleeping all day and awake all night banging on the bed rails, putting her hands in the depends and smearing poop everywhere. Your whole house will smell like a cow barn. o you get the picture? I say cow barn rather than horse barn because I love the smell of those. I can stand there all day breathing in the smell of horse, clean shavings and leather. your husband wants and needs a wife not some waorn out drudge who hasn't changed out of her pjs in days and forgot the last time she had her hair done. no fun. Don't expect mom would want that for you either. She is settled leave her be.

Very traumatic for everybody, especially if it turns out to be a bad decision!

Gladimhere is so right! We just moved my mother from IL to AL and she took a turn for the worse, more confused, more unhappy, hardly eats, etc. I wouldn't upset your mother by moving her into your home - because if she has dementia, she is only going to get worse, and then you will have to eventually move her back to the nursing home. Moving them is really traumatic.

Your husband is a wise man. This would disrupt his life and yours. Plus, your mom's care would be enormous.

Today is my mother's 96th birthday. She has been in the NH for 2 years. My sister tried to care for her and the stress contributed to her death, a day before her 70th birthday. But, mom is healthy and happy. Go figure.

Your mom has been in the nursing home for 4 years, and suddenly you have guilt? Something deeper drives this anxiety and guilt. Has something traumatic occurred in your life, death of a friend, sudden illness, to precipitate this attack? I am afraid only a therapist will be able to get to the bottom of it. Bringing your mom home won't cure the anxiety. It is a disaster to move a dementia patient, not to mention cruel to upset her routine. I suggest concentrate on making her stay at the home as wonderful as possible.

Your mom is accustomed to being there. Do not move her as moving often causes a rapid decline. As others have said, visit as often as you can, and relieve yourself of the guilt you are feeling.

my Advice would be don't do it. If your husband dosent want this, it will probably end badly. Your WHOLE life will be consumed by mom. Everything you do every minute of every day WILL be consumed by your mother. That's not fair to your husband. He married you not you AND your mother. Don't want to sound harsh, but its the truth, It takes a toll on the happiest of couples . even those that both agreed, throw in the fact hes against it and its a disaster waiting to happen.

Nora, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. If you move your Mom into your home, are you ready to make your home be like a nursing home? Since your Mom is in a wheelchair, that would mean making all the doorways in your home larger to fit a wheelchair through. I have read on these forums here where some made their dining room or living room into a nursing home room because their Mom or Dad needed 24 hour watching.

It also means if she is wheelchair bound, that you or your husband would need to carry her to the bathroom for daily showers since she is incontinent and help her with her showers which she might not want..... are you strong enough to do that on a daily basis? And to be able to change her Depends as she lays in bed? And be able to lift her to put her into a wheelchair?

Are you able to be a Caregiver 168 hours per week? You would be doing the job of three caregivers, who each work an 8-hour shift, who get to go home and have a good night sleep to be refreshed in the morning. Could you get by on just a couple hours of sleep per night?

Could you do all the above for the next 5 to 10 years? No more dinners out with hubby... or vacations. Unless you hire 3 full-time caregivers during the week, and 3 more full-time caregivers to work the weekends and hopefully holidays.

Think about it this way, do you want to be her "daughter", or do you want to be her "Caregiver"... it is very difficult to be both.

You are feeling guilty, as we all do from time to time, wondering if we could be doing more to make a parent happy. But Pam is right, all of these answers are right. If your mother is in a NH where they are giving her 24/7 care and it is clean and she has others her age to talk to, she is better off. Once a senior is with peers, if the place makes it possible for social activities, it is healthier. It is not healthy for your marriage to bring your mother home. Your husband has been honest with you, and he needs to be your primary. Caring for a parent 24/7 will definitely impact your lives and he has indicated he does not want that.

Your mom is much better off in the n h. I'll be so happy and relieved of worry when I get my folks in assited living. I have more guilt now with them struggling along at home. Do you expect your children to give up their lives and take care of you in their home. Think about it........

My mom is in a NH, as is yours. They are there because it has been determined that THAT is the level of care they need. Our moms are not being dumped there, we visit, we keep track of their needs, we take them special things. If you have toxic people in your life who question this medically - based decision, either dump them or get yourself to therapy to learn how to deflect their idiocies.

More than your husband saying no, I think you stated the real heart of the matter at the very end of your paragraph saying, " It is so painful to accept that my mom is in a nursing home." Sounds to me like lack of acceptance that your mother needs to be there is driving the guilt about her being there and the desire to bring her home.

Have you and your husband discussed how much of a struggle it has been over these past four years to accept that your mother is where she needs to be? He might already be aware of it, but I think it would be good to talk about it. I believe he's accepted that is where she needs to be and is aware that the two of you cannot run your own nursing home as two people at home.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist about your struggle and pain over accepting that this is where your mother needs to be. Take care and keep in touch.

You are just feeling guilty and not thinking clearly. Bringing Mom into your home might ease your guilt, but it would cause a whole host of other bad feelings. The guilt is irrational -- you did not earn it. It would be a serious mistake to let it drive decisions.

Placing your Mom where she can be appropriately cared for is not a guilty action. "Dumping" her somewhere is. Why don't you use some of the energy and time you would devote to her if she were in your home to devoting to her in the NH? How far from you is the nursing home? Would it be practical to visit several times a week? Short visits are OK. Keep an eye on the level of care she is getting. Make friends with her regular nurse and caregivers. Eat meals with her occasionally. Bring in scrapbooks to look at with her. My mother is in a nursing home, but I certainly didn't "dump" her there. If you are feeling like you did dump your mom and there is some basis in fact for that feeling, then remedy that by paying her more attention where she is. If you are already doing that, then, please, force those guilt feelings out of the decision process.

If your husband does not want your mother living with you, then she should not live with you. You can visit her frequently in the nursing home, where they can take good care of her. The dementia, incontinence, and lack of mobility would make caring for her a 24/7 job. You would not have enough time left for yourself or the rest of your family. Your husband is a wise men, so please do listen to him.

You ARE feeling guilty, but you should not be. She needs 24/7 care that no one person is capable of doing. Throw the guilt away. Your husband is being honest and upfront with you and you took a vow many years ago to leave your parents and the two shall become one. Break the vow and you may lose the man. Visit mom weekly and you will be doing 99% more than most children do. I have often looked at the sign in book where my MIL lives. 80 residents and if there are ten signatures for a day it is a lot. Always the same ten people. That means 70 out of 80 are not visited much. You go there and she will show you off like the trophy you are. Nothing like bragging rights.