I want to move my Mom in my home but my husband does not. What do I do?

Once again, I'm so grateful for all of your responses. This site has sincerely changed my life. I'm so lucky to have found it. All of the experience and logical answers are exactly what I need to hear. You are all truly loving people and I know you are right when you say that Im not able to provide care for my mom. Her condition requires way more than a daughter alone could handle. I'm finally, after 4 yrs of guilt and suffering a broken heart, accepting my mom is where she needs to be and that I have a life that needs to be lived. I'm finally feeling good about caring for her in the nursing home, something I couldn't do before. Thank you so much, every one of you.

Good for you Nora! When you see you Mom, tell her you love her, enjoy your moments and know you have made a decision that is best for both of you. She has been there four years and has a well established comfortable routine and friends and everything is familiar and predictable for her and that is so important for dementia patients. To her, by now, it is her home. Take comfort in that.

You already know that there is no cure for dementia. Guilt only means you are a caring person. If your other half in life, your husband, has decided it wouldnt be a good idea for your mother to come live with you, I would honor his decision. You can have both, visits with your mother and the life you live with your husband. My mother has Parkinsons Dementia Alzheimers has been diagnosed with it all. My parents moved closer to us so we can all assist in her care. Even with 5 of us helping I feel it is still important for home care too. Family tends to be easy on them so they take advantage. Try to enjoy being with her and knowing she is cared for when you are not there. Good Luck to you and God Bless.

Can you do Sunday morning to Monday evenings in your home? That would be a one sleep over a week to satisfy your guilt. I hear your heart but I also understand that hubby may feel that he will be overly tasked.

My 94 year old mother in law has been with us for 11 weeks now. My husband is an only child and up until this year she lived on her own. She is very unsocial, never had a friend outside of her niece who does help my husband as much as she can. My mother in law and I were never close so this is difficult on me. The doctor said in Jan. that she really shouldn't be on her own anymore. We had to clean her house out, she saved everything can't even go there on how disgustingly dirty it was and just sold it last week. She is healthy, no real medical problems, funny since she never had a colonoscopy or a mammogram and the last time she was gyn doctor was 60 years ago when my husband was born! We both work full time, our 2nd daughter will start be entering her last year of college. The issue with my mother in law is if she gets stimulation than she is good. If she doesn't than she starts to imagine things. Sometimes not really sure if this is on purpose for added attention or not. She has always been a loner doesn't like to do anything , go anywhere. She is not good at hygiene either. My husband is a saint taking care of her, she has no idea how lucky or fortunate she is. I would like her to go to an adult day care 2 or 3 days a week. He says she will never do it. I say if she wants to stay in our house then she we tell her she doesn't have an option she needs to socilaize and we can't do it all the time. We had this great life and now she is here I hate to be mean but we're getting older and have lots of things that we want to do and now she is here and until the day she goes into an assisted living or nursing home she should have to help us out also. Any information on adult day cares out there?

lfd you are wise MIL needs outside activities. Your profile says that the only issue is hearing loss. Is there anything else going on with her, perhaps dementia? Day care is an excellent option but maybe taking her to a senior center rather than day care would work. Does your husband work or is he home through the day. While he is gone who provides the care? I am sure that is alao your responsibility. Why did she move to your home rather than assisted or even independent living which may be an option particularly if hearing is the only problem.

I know it must be exhausting for all of MIL's stimulation to be arranged by you and/or hubby. If she does not have dementia give her the ultimatum that either she finds some activities or she needs to go to a senior facility. She is 94 and I am sure that she needs help. Does she need assistance with medication or a shower? If you need time away that hubby isn't able to do and she needs monitoring then get an agency caregiver in so you both have breaks.

My main question to you is why, if she only has hearing loss, did she move in with you. If you want that to change, the sooner the better. There may be senior communities near you that would allow her to participate in activities so she can start to make friends.

Her hygiene is bad? What do you mean? Most elderly do not bathe daily usually just once or twice a week.

lfd, just reread your post. If she is imagining things it may be dementia or another type of infection that causes increased confusion in the elderly. Take her to the doctor talk about all of the sorts of things she imagines. She could be in early stages of dementia and needs to be screened and tested. Poor hygiene is also indicative of dementia.

You have NO idea what your asking for. Frankly, I don't know what you're thinking beyond a serious attack of conscience. Your husband's "no" wins. That's not ONLY because his cooler head should be respected,but also because it would be impossible for you to provide a safe and loving home for mom with a spouse who wasn't 100% committed right along with you. You mean well. You're wrong.

Wow. Caregiving is a tough undertaking and doing it 24 7 with full time jobs... God Bless. You are a truly wonderful person for taking this on and should be appreciated for this. Seems quite unfair to you to be ignored when asking for something back that had been yours. Your mother in laws needs have been met and so too should yours. My mother has parkinsons dementia alzheimer, diagnosed with it all and i can tell you with all her medications and doctors.. Her adult daycare classes have done more for her than anything. My mother was a nurse and teaching nurse and a bit stubborn to say the least about going. But when we get her to go she loves it... She acts totally different with them too she seems happier. Now there are some tricks we have to use to get her there she has dementia and forgets she likes it. We told her she is going to teach and help out volunteer, weve told her doctors orders to keep her from getting worse. Adult daycares do have transportation. I would not make this an option you and your husband know whats good for her thats why she is living with you.. Let her know have your husband tell her to trust him that he knows this would be helpful. If this would all make everyone happier... Why not give it a try. Good luck to u and i hope it works out for you. This can be something that would prolong the nursing home since it does help in soooo many ways. You are on your husbands side by wanting the best for her i hope he can come to his senses and insist upon it. My dad and i walk on eggshells ever class day but once she goes its a big relief and hear such good reports about her. God Bless you and yours!

Sorry that was for a different post... No coffe yet

Please feel no guilt having your Mom with professional caregivers who can provide the services she needs around the clock. Visit her as often as you can and cherish those moments. Your husband is a wise man, I think he realizes the toll it will take on you and your relationship with him. If you are confident your Mom is receiving good care where she is - go with it. You won't regret it.

gladimhere - sorry new to this and not sure how it works, i responded somewhere else but i don't know where it went. My MIL 94, never worked outside of home, never drove a car. My husband and I married 33 years (this fri) and my FIL died the 1st year we were married. She was able to live on her own in her own house for all these years. He assisted with everything, paying her bills, getting things fixed, taking her to docs and food shopping. She's always been alert not a ball of fire by any means. She isolated herself from the world and besides my husband and 2 nieces she would actually be a hermit. She had bad eyes, bad ears and 2 years ago envisioned this episode where men were in her house cutting the door, hanging Christmas lights and singing. She went to hospital, no uti, nothing bad and spent time there and then to rehab. Wanted to come home,the only way we told her she could if she got the cataracts fixed. she agreed. annoyed me immensely that we had to get her to agree to take care of herself. Anyways, she came home did well, we got her a parakeet something to talk to and then this past Jan it happened again, she was reliving an trip to a graduation of her nieces daughter but it was 15 years ago. my husband went to her house, he entire bed was wrapped up and she was sitting waiting for a ride. Off to hospital, a little dehydration, actually new onset afib, and to rehab and then she was afraid to go home always insisting that those 2 stores happened. So she can't hear won't wear hearing aid and sometimes i think her mind plays tricks on her and she dreams or makes these stories up. when she has constant interaction then the stories are either non existent or not much of anything. the other thing is MIL has never taken a shower or tub bath or been in ocean or pool. She has always been afraid of water and my husband who will be 60 this year said she has always washed out of the sink. now she's not even doing that. she has no money so we were waiting to sell her house in order to get her possibly into an extended care. She can only afford a 1 year pay out before we would have to apply for medicaid. some of these extended care are 2 year pay but she doesn't have enough. The problem is she will not want to go....so i said we will try this adult day care cause we can't drop everything in our lives to take care of her. my husband has literally been a saint. I on the other hand don't know how long i can do it. i am a RN been working all extra shifts just to be away from home! so if anyone knows about adult day cares,please let me know your experience! she won't like it but oh well, we all have to do things we don't like!

thank you Futurecure!

LFD, here you go from Agingcare: https://www.agingcare.com/local/Mullica-Hill-Adult-Day-Care-NJ

lfd1055, my husband (dementia) was not too keen on going to an adult day program either, but I insisted that I was doing everything I could to keep him home with me, and he had to do his part, too, so I would have times I could make my own appointments and go into my work. He went about 3 years, 2 or 3 days a week. They picked him up and returned him. He could have breakfast there and they always had a hot lunch. For an extra charge they helped people shower or clipped their toenails. I can't say enough good things about the program. He continued to claim he didn't like going, but he liked the day the nurse read a chapter to them each week, and he liked when people shared their vacation slides, and he was pleased the year he was crowned Winter Carnival King. He liked going out on field trips. It was good to have other adults to notice his new shirt and to tell him he did something well. He skipped a lot of their activities -- they had nice recliners to sit and read. So though he claimed not to like it it was good for him, and it was also gave him something he could feel he was contributing to his own care.

I don't think I'd present the Adult Day Program as an option. It is something she has to do in order to interact with other adults and for you to have some time to yourselves.

We also tried the senior center. Its location wasn't practical for us and they had no transportation. But through the senior center my husband got hooked up with a senior bowling league, which he loved, that met once a week all year round.

Leave no stone unturned in finding stimulation for MIL outside of your home!

Look into Medicaid now. They will take all her assets but the next time she goes into hosp as long as it is for three days she can got to rehab and be transitioned to nursing home. I don't think assisted living will work for her at this point. As a RN you probably have never cared for dementia patients but she is showing signs. i know it is not a big subject in nursing school and as your husband is 60 i assume you too are getting close to retirement. Take care of your self.