Instead of talking with us and getting her on Medicaid and estate planning, my sister basically sabotaged everything. She convinced her to keep her money and we would basically pay my mother’s way. I basically stood up for myself and now everything has fallen apart within my family. I told my sister that I don’t want to speak with her anymore. My mother and I were trying to get past all this, but I’m not over the behavior of my mother and sister. I feel they have bullied me and it makes me very resentful. How do I get over this?
So, mommy dearest, if you can't give her what she wants, don't worry about buying anything.
don'tbe the doormat she thinks you are. Stand up and tell her "times they are a changin'."
Your mom will never be the warm, nurturing mom you would like her to be, so get her out of your life. Block her phone calls, delete her emails, and do the same for your sister if she persists in snarky remarks. You will never change their behavior, all you can do is change how you respond. Sending you big hugs, because I dealt with a narcissistic mother and two sisters who decided my husband and I could take care of my mom, because my husband and I had saved money for our retirement.
Let mom know your plans and give her a choice to Let mom live with the other sister if she thinks that works better tho I'm sure sis won't think that.
If mom has more money then like $2,000 in the Bank, she won't qualify for Medicaid. She'll be on Medicare that her Insurance payments will be coming out of her Social.
She could live with you and pay her fair share and pay you or a Caregiver for her care if she needs care until she has spent all her savings and they go back 5 years.
After spend down, she can apply for Medicaid.
Sis was just worried about her inheritance.
However, living with a grudge or feeling angry is not a good way to live your life. Do whatever you need to continue to have honest, open communication with everybody.
As a Christian, I ask God to help me let go of the anger and indignation. I'll report things to authorities as needed, but I figure that God is responsible for meting out justice. I also believe that living my best life with love and gratitude is the best form of revenge. Not sure if this helps you, but it helps me to "forgive and move on" with all my family's transgressions against me.
whatever is bothering you.
Maybe, just maybe, your parents are indulging Grandma in the hope of "modeling" you to the same behavior? These "unspoken expectations"?
If grandma's 101, your folks are what, like 75-80? Good shape mentally? OK, well they can understand that no, they won't be moving into the big house so you can move into the little one and be their personal MC and NH.
Just say you won't be doing that as you've seen what it's done to them.
Then see what they do.
Seems to me Mom has too much money to get help from Medicaid. With Medicaid "in home" like with Medicaid paying for LTC, you can have no assets. You must spend down to 2k. You can remain in the home. So Mom "keeping" her money means she will never qualify for any services that depend on Mom being under a certain income. Her paying for an upgrade for your bath would cause a penalty with Medicaid. Medicaid doesn't look at it as a help for Mom but that you profit from the upgrade when/if u sell the house.
What does sister think, that by paying Moms way means she gets to inherit Moms money? Must be a lot of money. If Mom has that kind of money she needs to spend it on an aide. My Aunt had 30k and Medicaid expected her to spend that on an aide before they would take over.
"My mother and I were trying to get past all this" Seems from responses you have given, you and Mom have never had a great relationship. Maybe time to just step back and realize that you will never have the relationship you need and want. Especially if sister is in the picture. Seems like both have Narcissistic tendencies and people like this hang together. Say that you support Mom with the promise you will inherit and unbeknownst to you, she writes u out of the Will and sis inherits everything. This has happened to members on the forum.
I am 72 and had a widowed mother and MIL and my husband and I never supported them. If it had come to that, we would have looked at the reason why they couldn't pay their bills. Could they get assistance? Could they cut something out, like cable. My Mom stayed within her income. I did take her shopping for her Birthday and Christmas and bought her new clothes. But she never complain and never seemed to do without. She did have CDs to fall back on. My MIL, complained all the time about not having money but she belonged to VCR, cassetts, CDs clubs. Plus those magazine things where you pay $20 per month and every two months you get a figurine. When she died, there were VCR, cassettes and CDs she had never opened. And VCRs were on the way out, DVDs had taken over. Oh, and magazine subscriptions where you pick 5 magazines and pay $20 a month for the next 5 years and Readers digest books. When I think of the money she had spent after my FIL died on junk in her 70s and 80s, I cringe. She took $1000 from my BIL to fix her pump and when she died he found she had 30k+ in the bank.
So you were not wrong to tell Mom she could very well support herself. And when she can't then she looks at options. If she owns a home, maybe she should sell and move into an apt. Then no upkeep or taxes and she can offset her budget with the proceeds of the sale of her house.
So sorry you need to deal with this but you will find there are plenty others in the same situation as you.
Caring parents bring children into the world to launch them, to individuate and develop their own families and their own paths, not to tie them down with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Send mom cards and skip the phone calls and discussions.
If you want to talk to her then limit your conversations to simple pleasantries, then say good bye. It's pointless arguing with her.
If your mother has money why isn't she in an assisted living place where they can take care of her when she has a hip replacement? That would be a great place for her to be because she can associate with others and be independent.
Prayers that you get her estate set up because if she doesn't have it set up it will go to probate then there will be a fight. And when you can talk to your mother to see what can be done for her to assist her in the right way by getting her an attorney to get her wishes not everyone else's. Like we did for our mother she went to an attorney and he kept asking what does she want. We have everything set up in a will and if and when she passes my brother will be the one that goes bonkers because he was not left anything in the will because of his drug habits. But I will abide by my mother wishes that he does get something.
You know now that you are not a solution to help your mom safely. This is good to know and helps you to protect yourself from future hurt.
If your mom is living alone and it is unsafe for her to do so, you should contact APS and report a vulnerable senior. Do not offer to step in, just get her in the system to ensure her safety.
Honestly, if mom signed everything over to your sister, who cares. Mom will likely need assistance, like a facility and there will be nothing left or your sister will be doing the hands on care and she will earn everything she gets.
Getting over things like this should never include us stepping back into the situation again.
I want to add, education is expensive, in a classroom or out. You got an education and it was 3 months of taking care of your mom. You got off cheap if you learned your lessons.
"My sister took her back to her house and now she lives there alone with a walker, adult diapers and not able to shop for groceries. I’m sure she convinced my mother to sign everything into her name prior to her leaving. She lives 6 hours away."
Since this is the situation now (an earlier post), she is your sister's burden now, right (assuming your sister lives near her and since she is the one who brought her back to her home)? Is this elder neglect?
Since she is now 6 hours away, it's time to keep your distance and let the chips fall where they may. She's your sister's burden now.
Is sister your only sibling?
As long as mom lives with you, sis will never stop whispering in mom's ears, and backstabbing you.
Sounds to me like your sister was more interested in her inheritance than your mom’s actual care.
Try to make amends with your mom, but it HAS to be a compromise.
When you write "...we would basically pay my mother’s way." who is "we"? Is it all the siblings or just you and your husband? What is your mom saving her money for...an inheritance? This would be wrong. She needs to pay what she can for her care and then when she runs out she applies for Medicaid. Anything else is unethical. You can work through it by continuing to tell yourself that you did the right thing, and keep up the boundaries.
You wanted her financials to be honest and above board.
Why do YOU need to get over anything?
They owe you an apology for their dishonesty and trying to take advantage of you, don't you think?
The one thing that stood out from our arguments was she said “why should I put money into your house for a bathroom renovation and a railing” she expected us to update everything for her while she held on to her money.