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Instead of talking with us and getting her on Medicaid and estate planning, my sister basically sabotaged everything. She convinced her to keep her money and we would basically pay my mother’s way. I basically stood up for myself and now everything has fallen apart within my family. I told my sister that I don’t want to speak with her anymore. My mother and I were trying to get past all this, but I’m not over the behavior of my mother and sister. I feel they have bullied me and it makes me very resentful. How do I get over this?

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If your mother is of the mind "you owe me because I gave birth to you and brought you up" there is no way to convince her that her "Old World" way of thinking is wrong.

Caring parents bring children into the world to launch them, to individuate and develop their own families and their own paths, not to tie them down with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Send mom cards and skip the phone calls and discussions.
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LizzyFizzy Dec 7, 2021
I guess this is what I’ve been struggling with my entire life. In Indian and other cultures, the smart child goes to medical school and the not so smart child takes care of the family. I struggled with school and my academic path led to a career in the arts. This was never taken seriously and it led me to pay my way through school. My sister had her school paid for by my parents. It was expected of me to take care of my mothers needs (emotional, medical and financial etc) I stood up for myself and now I’m the bad daughter.
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I think only time can heal a hurt of betrayal.

You know now that you are not a solution to help your mom safely. This is good to know and helps you to protect yourself from future hurt.

If your mom is living alone and it is unsafe for her to do so, you should contact APS and report a vulnerable senior. Do not offer to step in, just get her in the system to ensure her safety.

Honestly, if mom signed everything over to your sister, who cares. Mom will likely need assistance, like a facility and there will be nothing left or your sister will be doing the hands on care and she will earn everything she gets.

Getting over things like this should never include us stepping back into the situation again.

I want to add, education is expensive, in a classroom or out. You got an education and it was 3 months of taking care of your mom. You got off cheap if you learned your lessons.
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LizzyFizzy Dec 1, 2021
My husband is a medical doctor and we are comfortable, but he has an elderly mother and a disabled brother. He helps them with their expenses, my mother expected the same. I don’t need my mothers money, it’s the betrayal and trust that’s been tarnished. I don’t know how to get over that.
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A heartfelt thanks to everyone!! I’m going to try to see my therapist regularly. Take care of myself and not get so anxious about everything. Looks like my mother is either ignoring me. I need to keep my boundaries, and others need to respect them.
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Your mom and sister behaved dishonorably.

You wanted her financials to be honest and above board.

Why do YOU need to get over anything?

They owe you an apology for their dishonesty and trying to take advantage of you, don't you think?
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LizzyFizzy Dec 1, 2021
Yes, I’m looking for an apology. Neither of them apologize for anything in the past. Why would they do it now? Last night, my mother and I had a discussion that turned into a fight. I don’t want to upset her, but all she says it that I took care of you. I’m suppose to turn my marriage upside down for her. She never cared to her own parents, she left her home country and maybe went back 5x.

The one thing that stood out from our arguments was she said “why should I put money into your house for a bathroom renovation and a railing” she expected us to update everything for her while she held on to her money.
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Lizzy, I think it's best you distance yourself from your mother. If talking to her only turns into fights, then stop talking to her for a long while, so that you can have some peace in your mind and healing in your heart.

If you want to talk to her then limit your conversations to simple pleasantries, then say good bye. It's pointless arguing with her.
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You are justified in feeling betrayed; you were betrayed.

However, living with a grudge or feeling angry is not a good way to live your life. Do whatever you need to continue to have honest, open communication with everybody.

As a Christian, I ask God to help me let go of the anger and indignation. I'll report things to authorities as needed, but I figure that God is responsible for meting out justice. I also believe that living my best life with love and gratitude is the best form of revenge. Not sure if this helps you, but it helps me to "forgive and move on" with all my family's transgressions against me.
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LizzyFizzy Dec 5, 2021
My husband and I moved to a new area and I haven’t been able to find a church that I’m comfortable with attending. I need to start attending again or at least pray on my own.
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Darn, I just lost everything I wrote.

Seems to me Mom has too much money to get help from Medicaid. With Medicaid "in home" like with Medicaid paying for LTC, you can have no assets. You must spend down to 2k. You can remain in the home. So Mom "keeping" her money means she will never qualify for any services that depend on Mom being under a certain income. Her paying for an upgrade for your bath would cause a penalty with Medicaid. Medicaid doesn't look at it as a help for Mom but that you profit from the upgrade when/if u sell the house.

What does sister think, that by paying Moms way means she gets to inherit Moms money? Must be a lot of money. If Mom has that kind of money she needs to spend it on an aide. My Aunt had 30k and Medicaid expected her to spend that on an aide before they would take over.

"My mother and I were trying to get past all this" Seems from responses you have given, you and Mom have never had a great relationship. Maybe time to just step back and realize that you will never have the relationship you need and want. Especially if sister is in the picture. Seems like both have Narcissistic tendencies and people like this hang together. Say that you support Mom with the promise you will inherit and unbeknownst to you, she writes u out of the Will and sis inherits everything. This has happened to members on the forum.

I am 72 and had a widowed mother and MIL and my husband and I never supported them. If it had come to that, we would have looked at the reason why they couldn't pay their bills. Could they get assistance? Could they cut something out, like cable. My Mom stayed within her income. I did take her shopping for her Birthday and Christmas and bought her new clothes. But she never complain and never seemed to do without. She did have CDs to fall back on. My MIL, complained all the time about not having money but she belonged to VCR, cassetts, CDs clubs. Plus those magazine things where you pay $20 per month and every two months you get a figurine. When she died, there were VCR, cassettes and CDs she had never opened. And VCRs were on the way out, DVDs had taken over. Oh, and magazine subscriptions where you pick 5 magazines and pay $20 a month for the next 5 years and Readers digest books. When I think of the money she had spent after my FIL died on junk in her 70s and 80s, I cringe. She took $1000 from my BIL to fix her pump and when she died he found she had 30k+ in the bank.

So you were not wrong to tell Mom she could very well support herself. And when she can't then she looks at options. If she owns a home, maybe she should sell and move into an apt. Then no upkeep or taxes and she can offset her budget with the proceeds of the sale of her house.

So sorry you need to deal with this but you will find there are plenty others in the same situation as you.
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How much did you pay for your mother when she lived with you for 3 months? Normal living expenses? More than her portion of utilities, food, rent?

"My sister took her back to her house and now she lives there alone with a walker, adult diapers and not able to shop for groceries. I’m sure she convinced my mother to sign everything into her name prior to her leaving. She lives 6 hours away."

Since this is the situation now (an earlier post), she is your sister's burden now, right (assuming your sister lives near her and since she is the one who brought her back to her home)? Is this elder neglect?

Since she is now 6 hours away, it's time to keep your distance and let the chips fall where they may. She's your sister's burden now.

Is sister your only sibling?
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LizzyFizzy Dec 1, 2021
I only have my sister, most of our family live overseas. All this escalated after my father died in 2020, he kept my mother in line. Now it’s out of control, and my sister is guiding her.
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Bullies do not respect boundaries. They'll be back when they think you are "over"
whatever is bothering you.
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LizzyFizzy Dec 5, 2021
Yes, this just happened a few days ago. I received some hurtful text messages during the heated discussions 8 months ago and she now wants to buy Xmas gifts for my daughter. She has done this before, make hurtful comments and then buy a gift. I’m sorry, I can’t get over the manipulation and pain that she has caused me and my family. It’s like an abusive lover buying gifts to cover up the abuse. My own husband doesn’t treat me this way.
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Lizzy, an apology is not going to change their behavior and it’s not going to heal your wounded spirit. Only YOU can do that. It helps to not replay the painful conversations and situations in your head. Instead, focus on making everyday of your life enjoyable and filled with love. Since we can’t control what others think and say, spend that time and energy on improving your life. They will always be who they choose to be. You have the same choice. No guilt. No shame. No regrets.
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