I have written before regarding my husband being adamant about getting my father out of our house. Do I consult a lawyer or a counselor?


He was ok with his being here for the first year or so while my father could still drive and get around a bit (he is 95). For the last year, our marriage has dwindled to just about nothing. My husband is extremely resentful of everything I do for my dad, which entails preparing him meals three time a day, washing his clothes about twice a month and picking up his prescriptions from time to time. His mind is very good, hearing not so good, and walking terrible as he has arthritis in both knees (bone on bone). My father eats toast and coffee every day for breakfast and my husband prefers a large meat, egg and toast breakfast! I have offered him toast and coffee and he gets insulted and storms out! (I have just retired within the last 6 months and I really didn’t think I would be adding my husband to my care list, as he has always been self sufficient by going out to eat. Anyway. He is jealous of anything I do for my father and told me to get out and take my father with me! I am at wits end. Do I consult a lawyer or a counselor? Please help I am so emotionally abused!

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I would consult a counsellor and see if your husband will come with you. If not, it is still worth going on your own. If your husband was supportive initially then something has gone wrong. Your husband and marriage should be your first priority. Obviously your husband does not feel that he is that any longer. I like ff's suggestion of finding out if your dad would like IL. Caregiving is such a demanding role it is very easy to cut others short - even yourself.
Helpful Answer (13)

Maybe I'm of a different generation on this....but if a partner stormed out because I didn't cook the effort-requiring breakfast he demanded, I would never cook for him again! That's really mean and selfish, and a pretty darned fine example of male entitlement.

Also the house is half yours by law. He has no right to demand you get out.

Definitely agree your husband is being a big man-baby. Even more, though, if you let him force this "choice" on you - him or your father - he will feel entitled to get his way over everything in the future.  You'll be setting yourself up for a future of battles over your needs/wants versus his.

You say you retired recently, so it seems to me this isn't a situation where he's been the sole breadwinner and you've been the homemaker in return. Just because you're retired doesn't mean you suddenly have to take care of his needs. You put in your time, too! You're entitled to enjoy your retirement!

You might want to see a counselor AND a lawyer. The lawyer - just to find out what your rights and obligations are. Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for free.
Helpful Answer (9)

My DH was the kindest and most patient husband ever for all of our marriage. But when my Father moved in, he too started having some jealousy problems. As I looked at my own behavior, I realized that I was "catering" to my Father and his whims, unconsciously. I was Daddy's little girl. I made more conscious decisions about giving favor and attention to DH and he became his sweet self again. Even long time marriages need attention.
Helpful Answer (9)

Tigerbay, I realize that having your Dad living with you [per your profile] probably wasn't the retirement that you husband had planned for the both of you. That is probably more of the issue then anything else.

Is hubby afraid of the stove? Why can't he prepare breakfast for everyone, since you do the other meals. Or help you out with other chores to give you a break.

Yes, hubby wants you all to himself. My parents both lived into their mid-to-late 90's, so I was busy running them there and there, so that took up a lot of me time. Eventually I threw away my bucket list, because the stress had just ruined everything for me. I use to love to travel, but now no one can get me onto a plane. I use to love to drive, but now 5 miles is my limit before I panic. The list goes on and on. On how I wished my sig other would have helped more, he had a lot of excuses.... {sigh]

Talk therapy is an good idea. If you are on Medicare, try to find a talk therapist who take Medicare. I was lucky, the therapist I found was an older lady who had issues taking care of her elderly Mom, so she had been there, done that. Thus she really did know how I felt :)

Oh, would your Dad be interested in moving to Independent Living, depending if he can budget for that? My Dad said he wished he would have moved there years earlier. He loved his apartment, and really enjoyed being around people closer to his own age group. And he really enjoyed all the great meals.
Helpful Answer (8)

If you know what your husband enjoys for breakfast why would you offer to feed him dads preferences. I would feel awful if my spouse, by actions and words, said I am willing to do what ever my dad wants, but you, you can fend for yourself or eat what dad eats. Things have changed in your house drastically, aged parent, retirement, now facing divorce. I think from what I have read that you are neglecting your marriage and your husband is hurt beyond words. To let your dad move in, it is your husbands castle, was a huge compromise, are you not willing to compromise for DH to let him know how much you appreciate all he has given up for your dad. It effects the entire household in these situations, will he not talk any longer because you have refused to listen in the past? I am not trying to make you wrong or feel worse, I just know that my dad tries to be the head of my husband's household and if I don't throttle things down it makes my husband feel unvalued, after all, it is his home and dad is here by our good graces. I always give to my husband first and I always have my partner to help me through this hard trial. I hope I have not offended you, I just don't want to see a marriage destroyed. They really are not disposable but they are fragile in situations like this. However, if your husband is truly abusive and not just hurt to the core, obviously other solutions needed to be pursued.

Let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (8)

Men can be such children at times. My husband had a job where he traveled frequently. He only recently admitted there were a lot of business trips he went on that he volunteered for because he did t want to stay home and be a husband and dad. When our son was born, he had colic. He screamed day and night for 4 months solid. My husband didn’t pitch in. At all. Actually with either kid. But when our son was born, he handled the screaming baby trauma by having a year-long affair.

In a quiet moment, in a non-confrontational way, ask your husband what to do. Tell him you are about to go over the edge and you desperately need his help to figure this out. Explain that you feel “dumping” Dad like an unwanted pet isn’t fair to Dad, but the way things are now isn’t fair to him (hubby) either. If Dad is still with it, talk to him as well. Stop taking the solution to this all upon yourself. As far as the big breakfasts, make a deal with hubby—breakfast on Tues, Thurs and Sunday. Coffee and toast the other days.

Good luck. Sending Hugs!
Helpful Answer (6)

Dorianne is right. See a counselor AND a lawyer.

A few questions;
How was your marriage BEFORE your dad moved in? 

Did hubby treat you the same way previously when he was mad as he is treating you now?

You say your marriage has "dwindled to nothing".
Do you think it can be resurrected or do you think there's "too much water under the bridge"?

What do you REALLY want to happen? (Dad to leave or hubby to leave.)

Are you open to talking to a counselor about this?
(I would ask for a female counselor around your age.)

How do you respond to your husband when he pitches a fit? (Quiet, screaming, crying, leave the room, etc.)

Are you scared of your husband?

Could your husband be feeling  that you'd rather be with your dad than with him? (Hey, maybe your dad is a cool guy and hubs has turned out to be a dud.)

It's OK to not want the life you have. I didn't after being married 30 years! I just couldn't live with a severely depressed husband anymore. It really pulled me down and I felt like I was dying.

You can't continue to be the brunt of your husband's anger. You need to take some action soon. Call the therapist and lawyer this week.
Helpful Answer (6)

If you don't mind cooking the meat breakfast,, I don't see why he can't have what he wants and just give dad his toast and coffee! My hubs cooks a big breakfast at least once a week, and mom just eats what she wants.. often an English muffin and a slice of bacon.
Helpful Answer (5)

tiger - you say your husband won't sit down with you and talk. if this was the case before your father moved in, you have long standing marital problems that were made worse by your father moving in. Then the question is if the marriage is worth saving. I also wonder why you would move your father into a troubled marriage situation, as it was pretty well guaranteed to cause more trouble. If this behaviour has appeared since your father moved in, then you have a different problem. Under no circumstances is verbal/emotional abuse acceptable. Hoping you find some resolution either way, and your husband gets some help.
Helpful Answer (5)

Your husband resents your dad now. In the beginning he probably didn't think your dad would still be around when you both retired, and you could do things, but now you can't. I'm sure he sees it as you choosing your dad over him; could that be true? Decision time.
Helpful Answer (4)

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