I gave up today or maybe I saved myself.
if you read my past posts I'm sure its evident that caring for my mother has been a chaotic mess. I have done so much work and given up so much of my life for an alcoholic that refuses to get help. Al anon has taught me I cannot control the alcoholic. I can only better myself and save myself. I have chased down so many enablers to get them to stop. I have spent SO MUCH money. I have canceled important events and trips. I have even changed jobs and entire lifestyles to make enough money and have enough time to be available for my mom. I don't even use my college degree anymore.
today mom's primary caregiver walked out on her because of the drinking and screaming. I decided I need to too. I will not swoop in and save the day like I have for years. I called her social worker to let her know that this is it - I have done so much and to no avail. I told mom I will not be coming in to care for her and if she needs care she needs to call the social worker or 911. I have got to stop this endless cycle of picking up the pieces. Because that's all I do. I slap bandaids on every crisis and issue while trying to keep my own life together, and I can see the facade starting to crack.
I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent. I wish I could forever. I tried. I tried for 5 years to keep mom safe and sound. 5 years later its still a fight to get through each day. My health is suffering. My fiance is watching me go nearly mad. My job is suffering. I had to start medications to stop suicidal ideations. I am nothing without my health and sanity, so I need to step away and step back. Today I finally did that and I hope for good. If I save the day again, I will be in this exact same spot before I know it.
So, for the first time ever, I am choosing to not save the day. I am choosing myself over my mother. I am choosing my fiance over my mother.
I am sorry if this post is upsetting or offending to anyone who may disagree with me or think of me as selfish. everyone's situation is so different, and there is no good answer for my mom. every path forward is detrimental to somebody somehow. I've thought of every possible option, and I've exhausted local resources.
I don't know if i'll come back on this site but I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and talked me out of really low points.
Sometimes stepping away is the correct and loving move.
So many are unable to be strong and brave and walk away like you are doing.
The result is years and years of misery and suffering for them. I hope this post gives someone else the courage to do the same.
I wish you the very best that life has to offer, you deserve it!
Your mother will NEVER get the help she so desperately needs if you or anyone else keeps swooping in to save her(yes that's called enabling).
So again, good for you for FINALLY putting yourself and your fiancé first.
We can't save anyone but ourselves and I'm glad that you're taking the steps to finally save yourself.
I wish you the very best on this new journey of self care.
God bless you.
Best of luck to you and your fiance moving forward and taking your lives back.
Enjoy your hard won freedom and life.
Great big warm hug!
I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him because he refused to seek treatment for his addiction. He died many years ago.
My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, his sobriety didn’t last. Some people are successful in their recovery and remain sober. I hope this will be the case for your mom.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference…
This is a beautiful prayer that addicts pray daily. I personally feel that it is a beautiful prayer that all of us can benefit from.
We can only do so much. You have tried numerous times to help your mom. She is the only person who can make the decision for change in her life. Hopefully, one day she will.
Best wishes to you and your mom. Thank you for giving us an update and please keep in touch if you want to.
People who are struggling with the same issue as you have been dealing with will learn from your experiences.
Enjoy your new freedom!
That's not nobility, that's stupidity. You did the right thing.
Enabling her may look like helping but it's actually harming. It harms her and it harms you.
By stepping away, you give your mother an opportunity to learn the consequences of her actions. She then has a choice to do better. She may or may not make use of that opportunity. It's ENTIRELY up to HER.
You can not control or change her. So, do not feel guilty.
If anyone ever tells you that you're selfish, tell that idiot to walk a mile in your shoes then talk.
I feel like crap but I kept the boundary. I mean yes I can go over there and get her water but then that would lead to getting her up and out of bed and I'd just fall into the trap of being her sole caregiver. I will follow up with what the police find out. I feel like trash. Absolute trash. I feel like the worst daughter ever.
Your mother is the one who will regret this. She's projecting her feelings on to you. Do NOT accept delivery of that guilt trip.
Having anyone’s life ruined is wrong when trying to take care of a difficult elderly person , or when they become too ill that the adult child can’t provide the care that they need.
Your mom needs professional help . And you need your life back . You did not give up today . You saved yourself , but it’s hard , but you took the first right step in the right direction . Good luck .
The pattern of addiction and abuse continues until someone changes That would be you. So very well done!!!
Alanon is a good idea for you. (((((hugs))))