I gave up today or maybe I saved myself.
if you read my past posts I'm sure its evident that caring for my mother has been a chaotic mess. I have done so much work and given up so much of my life for an alcoholic that refuses to get help. Al anon has taught me I cannot control the alcoholic. I can only better myself and save myself. I have chased down so many enablers to get them to stop. I have spent SO MUCH money. I have canceled important events and trips. I have even changed jobs and entire lifestyles to make enough money and have enough time to be available for my mom. I don't even use my college degree anymore.
today mom's primary caregiver walked out on her because of the drinking and screaming. I decided I need to too. I will not swoop in and save the day like I have for years. I called her social worker to let her know that this is it - I have done so much and to no avail. I told mom I will not be coming in to care for her and if she needs care she needs to call the social worker or 911. I have got to stop this endless cycle of picking up the pieces. Because that's all I do. I slap bandaids on every crisis and issue while trying to keep my own life together, and I can see the facade starting to crack.
I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent. I wish I could forever. I tried. I tried for 5 years to keep mom safe and sound. 5 years later its still a fight to get through each day. My health is suffering. My fiance is watching me go nearly mad. My job is suffering. I had to start medications to stop suicidal ideations. I am nothing without my health and sanity, so I need to step away and step back. Today I finally did that and I hope for good. If I save the day again, I will be in this exact same spot before I know it.
So, for the first time ever, I am choosing to not save the day. I am choosing myself over my mother. I am choosing my fiance over my mother.
I am sorry if this post is upsetting or offending to anyone who may disagree with me or think of me as selfish. everyone's situation is so different, and there is no good answer for my mom. every path forward is detrimental to somebody somehow. I've thought of every possible option, and I've exhausted local resources.
I don't know if i'll come back on this site but I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and talked me out of really low points.
I dealt with PTSD from my caregiver days.
I actually had to confront and deal with several issues afterwards.
I was struggling with being extremely sensitive to certain situations. They would bring back so many memories for me.
It can be really painful to look back. For me, it took being away from the turmoil to realize just how intense it was.
It takes time to settle and find peace.
While I feel that it is important to grieve for what we wish could have occurred in our lives, we can’t allow ourselves to remain in those dark days.
I wish you all the peace and joy that life has to offer. You certainly deserve it!
I’m glad that you acknowledge that this is your time now.
No question that you are doing the right thing. You absolutely are. Well done!!!
You did the right thing, don’t doubt yourself for a second.
Hang in there. Don't give in.
Spoke to mom a handful of times. She asked the first day for me to come over and I said no. She hasn't asked since in the 3 or 4 times we've spoke. She did ask I stop treating her like she's dead. I said I'm not - I'm trying to re-gain control of my life and that means minimal contact. It's 50/50 every day whether I regret this choice or not. She said "I'm not asking you to come over but I am asking you to call or text once in a while." I said I will call once in a while but not multiple times a day like before.
Sometimes the anxiety eats me alive. I've had trouble sleeping or sleeping too much. Sometimes my life feels rather quiet now. Its amazing what two weeks does. I do have to go over there this week to drop off the rent. It's the one thing mom can't do because the apartment requires cashiers check. I'm trying to get mom to realize that in a facility you don't have to worry about people showing up or being alone. You'd think two weeks of poor care would make her see that.
Anyways, wanted to provide an update. Two weeks into this minimal/no contact and its so hard. I don't feel any better but my days are predictable now. Anxiety and guilt are still on my shoulders, but its been an incredible exercise in restraint to stay away and not swoop in to save the day.
Many people find the Serenity prayer good for them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Let go and let God with your mother.
The pattern of addiction and abuse continues until someone changes That would be you. So very well done!!!
Alanon is a good idea for you. (((((hugs))))
Having anyone’s life ruined is wrong when trying to take care of a difficult elderly person , or when they become too ill that the adult child can’t provide the care that they need.
Your mom needs professional help . And you need your life back . You did not give up today . You saved yourself , but it’s hard , but you took the first right step in the right direction . Good luck .
I feel like crap but I kept the boundary. I mean yes I can go over there and get her water but then that would lead to getting her up and out of bed and I'd just fall into the trap of being her sole caregiver. I will follow up with what the police find out. I feel like trash. Absolute trash. I feel like the worst daughter ever.
Your mother is the one who will regret this. She's projecting her feelings on to you. Do NOT accept delivery of that guilt trip.
Enabling her may look like helping but it's actually harming. It harms her and it harms you.
By stepping away, you give your mother an opportunity to learn the consequences of her actions. She then has a choice to do better. She may or may not make use of that opportunity. It's ENTIRELY up to HER.
You can not control or change her. So, do not feel guilty.
If anyone ever tells you that you're selfish, tell that idiot to walk a mile in your shoes then talk.
That's not nobility, that's stupidity. You did the right thing.
Enjoy your new freedom!
I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him because he refused to seek treatment for his addiction. He died many years ago.
My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, his sobriety didn’t last. Some people are successful in their recovery and remain sober. I hope this will be the case for your mom.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference…
This is a beautiful prayer that addicts pray daily. I personally feel that it is a beautiful prayer that all of us can benefit from.
We can only do so much. You have tried numerous times to help your mom. She is the only person who can make the decision for change in her life. Hopefully, one day she will.
Best wishes to you and your mom. Thank you for giving us an update and please keep in touch if you want to.
People who are struggling with the same issue as you have been dealing with will learn from your experiences.
Enjoy your hard won freedom and life.
Great big warm hug!