I gave up today or maybe I saved myself.
if you read my past posts I'm sure its evident that caring for my mother has been a chaotic mess. I have done so much work and given up so much of my life for an alcoholic that refuses to get help. Al anon has taught me I cannot control the alcoholic. I can only better myself and save myself. I have chased down so many enablers to get them to stop. I have spent SO MUCH money. I have canceled important events and trips. I have even changed jobs and entire lifestyles to make enough money and have enough time to be available for my mom. I don't even use my college degree anymore.
today mom's primary caregiver walked out on her because of the drinking and screaming. I decided I need to too. I will not swoop in and save the day like I have for years. I called her social worker to let her know that this is it - I have done so much and to no avail. I told mom I will not be coming in to care for her and if she needs care she needs to call the social worker or 911. I have got to stop this endless cycle of picking up the pieces. Because that's all I do. I slap bandaids on every crisis and issue while trying to keep my own life together, and I can see the facade starting to crack.
I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent. I wish I could forever. I tried. I tried for 5 years to keep mom safe and sound. 5 years later its still a fight to get through each day. My health is suffering. My fiance is watching me go nearly mad. My job is suffering. I had to start medications to stop suicidal ideations. I am nothing without my health and sanity, so I need to step away and step back. Today I finally did that and I hope for good. If I save the day again, I will be in this exact same spot before I know it.
So, for the first time ever, I am choosing to not save the day. I am choosing myself over my mother. I am choosing my fiance over my mother.
I am sorry if this post is upsetting or offending to anyone who may disagree with me or think of me as selfish. everyone's situation is so different, and there is no good answer for my mom. every path forward is detrimental to somebody somehow. I've thought of every possible option, and I've exhausted local resources.
I don't know if i'll come back on this site but I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and talked me out of really low points.
Sometimes stepping away is the correct and loving move.
Spoke to mom a handful of times. She asked the first day for me to come over and I said no. She hasn't asked since in the 3 or 4 times we've spoke. She did ask I stop treating her like she's dead. I said I'm not - I'm trying to re-gain control of my life and that means minimal contact. It's 50/50 every day whether I regret this choice or not. She said "I'm not asking you to come over but I am asking you to call or text once in a while." I said I will call once in a while but not multiple times a day like before.
Sometimes the anxiety eats me alive. I've had trouble sleeping or sleeping too much. Sometimes my life feels rather quiet now. Its amazing what two weeks does. I do have to go over there this week to drop off the rent. It's the one thing mom can't do because the apartment requires cashiers check. I'm trying to get mom to realize that in a facility you don't have to worry about people showing up or being alone. You'd think two weeks of poor care would make her see that.
Anyways, wanted to provide an update. Two weeks into this minimal/no contact and its so hard. I don't feel any better but my days are predictable now. Anxiety and guilt are still on my shoulders, but its been an incredible exercise in restraint to stay away and not swoop in to save the day.
Many people find the Serenity prayer good for them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Let go and let God with your mother.
So many are unable to be strong and brave and walk away like you are doing.
The result is years and years of misery and suffering for them. I hope this post gives someone else the courage to do the same.
I wish you the very best that life has to offer, you deserve it!
I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him because he refused to seek treatment for his addiction. He died many years ago.
My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, his sobriety didn’t last. Some people are successful in their recovery and remain sober. I hope this will be the case for your mom.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference…
This is a beautiful prayer that addicts pray daily. I personally feel that it is a beautiful prayer that all of us can benefit from.
We can only do so much. You have tried numerous times to help your mom. She is the only person who can make the decision for change in her life. Hopefully, one day she will.
Best wishes to you and your mom. Thank you for giving us an update and please keep in touch if you want to.
People who are struggling with the same issue as you have been dealing with will learn from your experiences.
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