I feel so alone....how do i get past this?


I am 30 yrs old...my mother 59. I see so many posts here about our elderly parents. However, mostly they are around 80 or older. So i am so frustrated that i am the only one she depends on. I dont understand why she doesnt look for other outlets for doing her daily tasks. She doesnt even consider i have a small child, a husband, my own house to tend to. She makes me feel nothing i do is ever good enough. She is upset bc i dont want to ride her around all dy in the street. Well has she though t bout it is my time, my gas, and my money that is always put out. I feel i have no mother anymore as if i am mother and she daughter, and she enjoys it that way. I am thi king about moving away and not looking back. I have other siblings older sis dont want anything ro do with mom. It has been like 14yrs now, nothi. Oher one adopted bro but doesnt ever come around. Other bro is a drunk and no good. Other sis trying to further educate herself. I do understand tjat but i get scard i will have to do this the rest of moms life, 30 or so yrs. I cant i want morw for myself, a better job, a house, ge5 my education. I am young and i hve already been a care taker giver for my gma about 5 yrs ago. My son was anout 1 at time so it was hard changing both their pampers and feeding. But difference was gma had. A positive personality even at 88. She always was thankful and loving. I am feeling drowned, and hopeless. Do yall think i am selfish?

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Dora, I think you've got it! That means you now understand that you are not selfish. I don't think you are selfish.
As I read this, it seems unlikely that your Mom needs help from you, and as long as she is working, save your money. She can hire help.
Save yourself while you still can. Maybe someday, your relationship won't cost you money, and you can just visit each other.
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I wish i knew you guys personally. Yall have inspired me and given me strong will to live my life for myself. In my head i would hear...do it bc it is your life mom has lived hers, and i shouldnt feel bad bc of saying NO. Now i am sure of it and the decision i have made. Yall have lifted so much stress from my heart. Thank you to all of you who have supported me and influenced me to do what is best for me.
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None of this is your fault.
When we don't really know what's actually going on, we show up every day and do what seems like the obvious right thing. Until we realize it's all wrong.

A few things need to happen in short order.

1. Your mom & dad need an assessment by social services. They may not qualify for aging services if under 65. A social worker can help them (not you) connect to services.

2. You start putting in boundaries and saying no. No mom, I can't do that today. I don't know when. Sorry mom, I'm just too busy to add that on. She won't like hearing it from you, but I promise she's heard it a lot from others.

It is *NOT* your problem to fix her life because everyone else has walked away. You are not the default fixer. This will take backbone on your part.

I would expect her to act out and start some award winning theatrics when you put up boundaries, but stand strong. Expects fits, snits, and hopefully the silent treatment.

Remember that you have probably had a lifetime of programming to turn you into the "fixer", so when you aren't fixing, there will be a guilt response that kicks in. This guilt is not real. This guilt was also programmed into you to keep you fixing. It takes a lot of purposeful effort to get past it. That guilt is totally not appropriate. Just remember it's a trick to keep you under control.

You are NOT selfish. You are not unreasonable. What you are experiencing is a will to live and your survival instinct kicking in, and it's fighting with that programmed guilt. Your will to live should win!

An awful lot of us have been through this and know this problem intimately. Please come back often and let us comfort you, listen when you need to vent, and help problem-solve. You can do it.
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Maggie is right. I also think you could benefit from therapy. You need to identify and work on a life style for yourself but you need better self esteem to do so.

Treat yourself and start looking for therapy today.
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My mother is 59 yrs old she has diabetes. She suffers from diabetic retinapothy...may be spelled wrong. She has lost vision in left eye. She has 20/20 in right eye. My mom lives in a house with my dad who also is diabetic. My dad doesnt ever ask anything from me and he is much worse off than she is. She gets ssi and still works 2 days a week doing house cleaning. It is more bc of thw company the employer and mom give each other. Mom has been there for almost 20 yrs. But honestly i feel stuck in a rut....will continue....I think i am partially at fault bc when my sis left aug 2014 i was still living with her bc we helped her finacially with rent and food so i felt that she took my sis absence really hard and tried to keep her spirits high by being there for her. We moved out dec 2014 and since then she wants me to bus her everywhere and on my days off to go over with her and like be her clown. Truth be this is what most of all bothers me....when i was 6yrs old adoptive bro then he was 12 molested me. When i told her she asked me well what do u want us to do with him. I hope yall can u derstand when i say if she didnt and couldnt protect me or defend me then why should i do anything for her now or in the years to come. She is able to get home health but doesnt want to leave her job . Also she could do that and at least i could have some income from all my running around and babysitting. It overwhelmes bc i think if sh e is like this at 59 what can i expect at 80 or 90. But at least at that age one is at right to be disoriented and not considerate bc they are not in there right mind. I thank yall for hearing me out. It has gotten to that even my son doesnt want to go over and says she is very lazy bc she doesnt want to get up for anything. She needs eyedrops for gluacoma and even for that i have to go iver bc she says she just cant put in her own eyedrops or administer her insulin which is slow acting and in a pre filled syringe. I feel she is robbing me of all opportunities i mean even if i wanted more children i couldnt imagine being 8 mths pregnant and having to deal with her bad attitudes. And having to bus her around
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Dora your mom sounds like she either has a personality disorder or she's just very narcissistic and selfish. Tell us more about her history. Whatever the cause, you are right to learn to set borders with her and distance yourself from her negative, demanding personality. Do it now while she's still young enough to change her behavior for the better.

It's not your job to make your mom happy or to be her entertainment or take her everywhere. She's young enough to manage that on her own. I'm five years older than your mom and I'm taking care of my 95-year old mom. I live by myself and run my own life. Your mom can do the same. If she has some mental or physical conditions that require help, she can get that from others - it doesn't have to be you. So NO, you're not selfish! You're a young woman trying to live your own life, which you have every right to do!
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Nothing will change until you do. Stop the nonsense and learn to say no.
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Dora, could you give us more information about your Mom? Does she live with you or live on her own? If she lives on her own, is she in a house or apartment? What are her physical disabilities, if any? Sounds like she is not employed, if not, why not?
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