I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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I’m just completely overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy all while watching my mom waste away more each day. I came very close to moving them out but just can't bring myself to do that to my mom. I know she only has months at the most left. But still seeing no end in sight. The guilt, trying to be a good mom to my kids (10, 12) and a good wife, all while working FT. My dad is an ungrateful a**hole whom I can barely look at so I have to literally hide in my own home to avoid him :( I'm so tired and regret having them move in as it has forever changed my relationship with my dad and he will be asked to move after my mom passes. Again - the guilt :( so burnt out. So trapped inside because of Covid worries/precautions. So sad and tired, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes now from completely neglecting myself for years. Sometimes I wonder if modern medicine and longer life expectancies are a gift or curse we’ve put upon ourselves :( I myself have already told my kids that they are under no circumstances allowed to let me or my husband live with them when we are aging. I’ll even put it in writing in case I forget thru dementia later on in life. At least this rant helped me to stop crying for the night. Hugs to all trying to make it thru caregiving. People who don't do it have no idea what its like!

Burnout Caregiver Support Family Caregiver

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hugs to you. Don't hold guilt. You are sacrificing your life for others. That is a great love and never feel guilty that you can't do more. You are above most people who do not care.
Having children is hard enough and to have parents also is a great burden. I feel for you.
I agree with all who wrote here- get hospice and senior services help. This should not be just you doing it all.
Your relationship with your father I grieve with you. For your father to be ungrateful is either his self centeredness or denial ( i have seen that in my mother) or his own aging issues. This is your home and never feel guilty for telling him that he must leave. There are senior services to help him set up a place. Thanks for sharing and I hope the posts here have helped.

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Glad you felt able to come and have a rant, and I hope you feel better for relieving yourself of some of your pent up stress (although I know it comes back all too easily).
Would you be able to get some care come into the house to assist you so that you can have at least a few hours each day or a number of times a week when you can do what you want, and give what you want to to your children.
If you are at a point where hospice is an option then that would sound like something to look into - they are used to dealing with difficult relatives as well as patients and won't take nonsense from your father. For your own sanity and for fairness to your young family you need some time when you are not "on call", have a look and see what options are available to you.

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My heart is full of love and hugs for you. I only had one parent living in my home. I also thought I was heading for a breakdown and my relationship with my mom had changed. I realized I had done everything and more but it was time to turn it over to the professionals. That was in August 2020. She is doing better than expected. She is 90 in good health with severe Alzheimer’s. She got covid in January they took excellent care of her and is fine. We are beginning to get in person visits. I’m still finding my way . I had hip surgery in January. I had put it off because I couldn’t leave mom and didn’t have much help from two sisters. I almost crippled myself trying to be there for mom. I’m still here for her but I’m much healthier mentally and physically and get to be there for my kids and grandchildren too. You will be ok when you turn over there care to a professional. I will keep you my prayers. Big hug!!

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You sound overtired. I understand the 'wanting to push the people we care for away as they are drowning us ( i think for me its because i think my grandpa could do a lot more to help himself and won't..and the burden gets heavier and heavier) And feeling guilty because we know they will pass over soon, and we want to think we did our very best for them. We did. We are only fragile human beings ourselves. A couple of days away by myself close to Nature...whether the mountains or the ocean always helps me a lot. I sleep. walk, eat, walk on the beach Getting away gives a perspective on our lives we don't have when we are 'up close and personal"
Take good care of yourself, Everything passes

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Keep your faith. Someone with a higher power is helping you. 🙏🏻

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Overloaded2021 you will find from this forum that there are a lot of people in your situation. Speaking for myself, I found just reading other people’s stories and contributing where I feel compelled to speak, is therapy in itself. Before I first spoke, all I could think about was “ESCAPE!!” anyway possible. Then the support and advice I received directly and indirectly from this forum, online, friends and family helped me so much that I feel that I have returned to somewhat my old self but an updated model - one with more self appreciation, awareness and knowledge. I can go on, I can deal with it, I can be happy.

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I'm so sorry for your stress. And yes, relationships with family members while caretaking can be stressful too. Please hang in there. You sound like a good person. And I think that is so thoughtful of you to consider your children when you age (not letting them take you in later in life). That's very loving of you.
Hang in there. You have my support all the way,
Lydia

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Don't focus on the negative it just gets you deeper into a black hole you never want to experience. Put yourself on a schedule like, "What's first in my life, number is YOU...take care of you, eat right, get as much sleep, and get support even if its a listening ear. help lines etc. Mom is important get all the support you can give yourself a break like get someone to sit with her while you take care of other mattters. Allow them to come in or have her go with them. Dad just get his meals if he can take care of himself. Ignore and have little to say if not positive with his interactions. If you have soul responsibility to take care of mom then take charge and tell him to be quiet and take a break long or other.
If you want comfort on how to care for mom in a spiritual way go to jw.org and there you will find a host of information free of charge on things you can do to help you and the family get through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and may you be safe and take care of you...

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Prayers for you. I am a very similar situation.

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Cappuccino...

#1 You shouldn't have been lifting your mother. I assume you have neither training nor equipment.
#2 Whose judgement counts in assessing whether YOU need help to lift her or not? - hers or yours?
#3 How was she planning to stop you, given that she was flat on the floor and you were the one on your feet and with access to the phone?
#4 If she'd been forced to get up off the floor in order to wrest the phone from your hand, you'd still have had a good outcome there, no?

I am being light-hearted about it, but I am so far from trivialising the pressure people feel. You couldn't begin to guess how completely unamusing I find it.

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I hear you totally! Having one of those days myself. My mum was stuck on the floor and I had to lift her up... took 6hours as she refused I get help. So once we got her cleaned up etc the whole day gone! Poof and she can’t understand that I’m tired. Like yourself, I work full time which often consist of overtime, I have health issues because like yourself I’ve neglected myself. It’s so hard! I have no other support and I’ve pushed all my friends away as I don’t have time. I mention all the things I do for her and asked her “what does that sound like”? And she admits “carer” and then I say “but I am also working full time to keep myself afloat. I am tired Mum we need help!” But no.... she doesn’t want that. And that’s the hardest part,.. that she refuses to recognise this and would rather burn me to the ground. I agree,. I don’t have kids yet (and I may miss my chance to have any) but if I do,.. I’m the same,.. I will make damn sure they are not burdened my me. I’m sorry I have no advice to give but wanted to let you know that you’re definitely not alone in your feelings/health. Hugs x
we need to look after ourselves ! I am beginning to think I have to give up even though it feels awful. I feel like I’m letting her down. She even said to me “I can’t believe my own daughter is turning against me” :( I’m not,.. I’m trying to help :(

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I was caregiver for my Alzheimer mother for six years. I am three years out of the situation now, and still dealing with the emotional trauma the ordeal caused me. One thing for sure I would do different if I could go back in time is NOT let anybody else call the shots when I had all the responsibility. For example, you spent six hours getting mom off the floor because your mom refused you get help. MOM is NO LONGER the boss. You have the responsibility so be efficient. Get help. If mom is embarrassed and angry and refuses to speak to you ever again, so that's her choice, and trust me, she will snap out of it once it dawns on her the true reality of her situation. I was so stupid and tried to please all my sisters and my mom with the caregiving situation. I was the only one doing the work yet every decision about my mom had to be a vote. Younger sister wants a new dishwasher put in because she noticed spots the few times she came to visit. I begged her not to change it because Dementia Mom knew how to work the old one. She insisted and the two other siblings who never helped backed her up. New dishwasher goes in. All the power in the old house kitchen gets blown out. Younger sister leaves cause her trip is over. Now I am stuck caregiving without power in the kitchen for a month. Total nightmare for absolutely no reason except I was being "nice" and tried to keep peace in the family by going along with the vote to get the new dishwasher even though I knew in my heart and soul this was stupid. Many, many, many other stupid painful decisions were made on my part because I was listening to and obeying my mom like I was a ten year old girl. This is YOUR LIFE now. Mom had many, many, many good years to call the shots including when she was your age. It's your time and you are of age to call the shots. Please take your power and do so. Good luck! And my heart and prayers go out to all the caregivers in our modern world.

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Yes, Hospice is a wonderful choice. Too many doctors are reluctant to turn a patient over to hospice, or too late. They can serve your mother at home or at one of their facilities. This would take a huge burden off of you, knowing that you are not in this alone. It may also have a temering effect on your father.
Oh, your days are so long. And probably your nights are too short. God bless you

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There are a lot of replies to your question, so I apologize if this is just a repeat of advice that someone else gave. First of all, I know how you feel when you say *no way out.* Last year when Covid hit, I was getting NO help from my brothers because of the advice we were getting about keeping away from vulnerable elderly. I moved in with her 2 years ago. I quit my job because it was too much. I do not know how you can work FT, take care of your kids and husband. Anyway, after a month of taking care of my 94 yr old mother with no help, I was suicidal. My health insurance company was advertising video visits for mental health. So I started video visits with a psychologist. Then she got me connected to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist helped me with medication ie antidepressant. I still talk to them on a regular basis. My mother has dementia but physically she could keep going for years. But... if she only had a few months left, I would contact Hospice. They are very helpful. So my advice is to get outside help for yourself... counseling, maybe antidepressant meds. And get outside help for your mother through hospice. You are carrying a heavy load. Time to bring in outside help. Counselor for you, meds, Hospice.

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I truly feel your pain. I was a caregiver for my mom too. It is very difficult to please everyone. She did pass on and I gave it my best for which I have no regrets. I am now my husband’s caregiver for 5 years who is diabetic, end stage renal and just fractured his hip when he fell. Unless you go through this you cannot understand the toll it takes. I sympathize with you and hopefully knowing someone shares your pain will help. The best thing at times is to vent like you just did. Hang in there. Diane

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Sending much love and warm thoughts to you kind soul. Giving caring & sharing. Wish there were more people like you. Dr Christopher Tissue & Bone caps (Amazon) helped my Grandpa recover from a fractured hip much faster than the doctors had thought he would. they were surprised..And sage , sometimes rosemary tea i give him clears his crazy mind for awhile He resists anything new, vigorously without question or reason. However he has come to like the teas, and the capsules he also likes. the old ulcer on his leg that wouldn't heal is now healing up.

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Have you spoken to a therapist to help you cope?

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You have gotten a lot of answers from others who understand why you feel so overwhelmed.

Please let us know how you are doing. I have thought about you all day.

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Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you seek respite through any means possible, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one. Perhaps it is time for facility living for your parents. Prayers sent.

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Dear Overloaded2021,
If I could just give you a hug, I certainly would. That's not really possible as technology ain't all that yet.

I will pray for you and am doing so as I type this. May God hold you sweetly and give you His peace, which is the best. His word gives light and hope.

I don't know if you listen to music, but there are 3 CDs (or download) by a group called Scripture Lullabies, album name Hidden in My Heart. This music is so beautiful, all 41 songs and so uplifting and gentle, so well done, I promise it will bring soothing peace to your soul and diminish stress. I'm going through a lot myself but am blessed with peace and means to cope.

Bless you so much, Duane

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I completely understand how you’re feeling. I reached out to a Bible-based counselor who help me somewhat but I’ve also joint support groups as taking care of her aging parents is not easy. I know that all too well I have a hospital bed in the middle of my house and I work full-time. I strongly advise if you have insurance and can’t afford it go to counseling or find a support group because it does wear on us

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START by asking for more help watching her-- is she in an assisted living facility yet ? Is she in the Hospice program? Ignore your dad-- he is prolly grieving and has no control over it. Your Dad really need sot be getting ready for an independent living facility--
YOU-- need some time to recuperate... go eat out somewhere-- safe. GET exercise-- walk in the closest State Parks-- and all-- Trees and total quiet. Bring a dog. Talk to God when you are there-- just you and the breeze. He will be listening. Caregiving is hell. Watching someone get ready for heaven is not inspiring... to say the least. Grieving sometimes precedes the loved one's death.
Talk to Preacher's wife. if you don't have one-- borrow one. This is Your Story, too.

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Duggan, your line “watching someone get ready for heaven is not inspiring” is unfortunately true, I am finding. Thanks for saying it like it is.

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My husband and I took care of my mom for 5 years, so I understand a mess of stress. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, because you need both, as you know, when dealing with Alzheimer's. There was 1 day I just wanted to feel more like a whole person, not just a caregiver, and I told Hubby I was going to... and I made the gesture of coloring my hair, and he said, "What, deceive the public?" I told him, "Yes, if I was going to receive them, I was going to deceive them too." Of course, this was before Covid, when I could actually see people face to face. We found that trying to find a sense of humor in the trying situation that we were in, made a world of difference. Best of luck.

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I am in your shoes. Advice is advice, sometimes it is helpful, sometimes not so much. You are not alone, our parents keep on living, no one is adequately prepared, it was never a part of our plans. You are brave you are looking for support, find more, many options are unaffordable, many are not but figure it out today so you are freer. I do not believe in God but I do believe in the basic order of priorities: spouse, children, parents. Make sure your decisions are in alignment with that no matter how pressing the demands of your parent. You are not alone: talk to cashiers, pharmacists, customer phone reps, we are everywhere!

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I feel your pain. I'm caring for my mom. She is 95 and moved in with me on Christmas Day. I'm her youngest and live alone. Serendipitously, I lost my job of 25 years 2 weeks prior. I thought I was ready. I was horribly wrong. She wandered outside in the middle of the night without shoes or a coat during her first week with me. A few door alarms, motion detectors, and call buttons later we are both trapped in my tiny house due to COVID fears. The experience has been an odd mix of relief and grief, searing reality and disbelief, relief and anger, joy and depression. I have 4 siblings, but feel completely isolated. I thought having others around might ease the loneliness, but I see from your account that new factors when their roles come into play. I guess there is no easier way to care for a loved one while watching him or her deteriorate. I'm going to think of the things I want to say to encourage you in an attempt to encourage myself. Please think of how you would encourage me. We have the power and obviously the love regardless of how we might feel in the moment.

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That is a very positive way to try to uplift one another! Would love to and will begin thinking of encouraging, supportive thoughts and goals. It IS often more than overwhelming, I think trying to have some quiet when possible. Visualize peace and calm, however that looks/feels to you. Pray and pray again. I will pray for us just as it stands this moment.

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My mom will be 90 in April. I moved my mom into our home 23 years ago.
This was not my game plan, being 38 years of age and with 2 children.
My husband is an amazing person, and it was actually his idea, I have the sweetest mom with a kind heart. I too see myself at times stuck and have had to incorporate my mom into my life. I see my mom happy and thriving, and with minimal memory loss. If for any reason this want working,i would find another alternative. I myself refuse to be miserable. I for one would never watch my
in-laws they are both argumentative. My husband even said.i will not ask you to do soothing,i wouldn't do myself. Would i ask my kids to repeat the favor, Never Its a true act of love and kindness, but not an obligation. My daughter in law an N.P, all i would ask of her is to make sure my pills are accurate, I am not taking something that will harm me. I wish you all the best. My mom health has never come before mine. I walk everyday to clear my mind. I read to see other places.
I garden to feel nature. I love my mom but,my husband and my children never came last, i still come first. I am a grandma of 4 and will always make time for them. You just need to sit down and explore other avenues, but you need to put yourself first at some point. You are valuable to your family, Sending big hugs.

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You are putting everyone else in front of your own needs - for survival and functioning. You need to put yourself first or you may have a breakdown.
* Guilt and other emotions that pull on your emotions and psychological needs/history, need to be examined. You need to address your self-esteem, your feelings about your self-worth.
* Until you feel solid in yourself, you will continue to split your feelings - and rationalize - everyone elses needs as 'more important' than your own survival and well being.
* I'm talking touch love here. Not easy to say and not easy to do. However, you see the results of your thought patterns and behavior now - it will only go down hill until and unless you address these needs NOW.
* IF YOU ARE NOT WHOLE 'ENOUGH' IN YOURSELF, how will you continue to be there / available to your mom?
STOP -
ACCESS -
SET BOUNDARIES -
MAKE DECISIONS -
LEARN HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF -
LEARN TO REALIZE YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU, first.

____________ Contact a friend or relative who is in your corner
____________ You need support from someone to shift from where you are now

* Making changes at this point will be very difficult for you due to your years or decades of conditioning and your mind-set. It'll likely go against all your feelings and behaviors up to now. However, you need to make some major life decisions otherwise, you will continue to suffer.
P.S. [stop taking] Don't take any B.S. or disrespect from anyone.
Remember this saying: "you teach people how to treat you."

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My heart aches for you. You sound way too young to be in this situation and to be losing your mom too. The guilt is overwhelming, I know. I feel like you are living my old life. If I could go back 31 yrs ago when my mom was dying with a dad who was and is a a$$hole, I would spend every moment I could with her. Making memories, videos, talk to her, record her voice, read to her, or just sit. Your house will survive the chaos, your husband will be fine as will your kids. Just know that you are an amazing person for giving your parents this gift. ❤️❤️

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"when we give, we are not the giver, but the witness of Life giving to itself"
You rock

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Please contact focus on the family, they will help you get the resources you need.

I agree, I want to die with all my abilities or die.

Old age can be a curse. Everyone of moms friends are suffering but too stubborn to die.

Being a care giver, we are the most abused group in the country, and it does not matter what country you live in.

My best stress releaser is prayer. Jesus loves you. Jesus cares, Jesus is always there.

You are on my prayer list and I will pray for you every morning.

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You will have a nervous breakdown if you don't come up with a plan and set limits. -If you have siblings tell them to help ASAP. Send them to stay with them for a month or so.
-Find out the nearest place for 3 day stints in Hospice or Day Care for Adults
-Immediately sit your Dad down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he acknowledges his bad behavior and apologizes, tentatively go forward, if he outright denies his behavior, call he on it and set the rules in your house. Explain, just like you had to follow the rules at his house when you grew up, he will have to follow the rules at your house or suffer the consequences: finding a new place to stay or be isolated in his room as you have children to care for and you will not be retreating to your room anymore. You are raising your children with discipline and expect better from an adult. There will be no down talking to you, dismissiveness of your rules or your feelings. Sometimes, even we adults need to be shown the error of our ways.
-Find an agency or caregiver to come in so that your family can go on vacation! Go without guilt! It's important to keep fun memories in your children's upbringing.
If your Mom is that close, you may want to tough it out without moving her, but if physically her care is beyond your ability, it is best to place her where she can be taken care of properly.

Hope this helps. Praying for you and your family.

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Your first priority needs to be YOU. You can't/shouldn't help anyone else until you take care of yourself. I would talk with a eldercare attorney to make sure that you have the things needed to deal with your parents - will, POA, possible trust, living will so you have the authority to deal with your parents. Talk with parent's doctor to see what their diagnosis/prognosis is; Talk with your local Hospice and avail yourself of their services[most have several program resources; consider getting some counseling for yourself and possible you husband who needs to be involved; talk with your local religious official if you have one. Make sure you know what your parents have in the way of finances. consider putting your parents in some type of assisted living - finances permitting. Do you have other family/friends who mighty be able to help out? STILL MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOUSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. Sometimes, the hardest thing is get get started so consider making a list of the things you need to do - put them in priority and START- Once you do that it should become a little easier.
Best of luck to you and your family

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Thank you for your comments.
Many people do not learn how to set boundaries or even know what self-care is as they have / we have been taught to put others' needs ahead of our own. This destroys or never allows self-esteem to be built up or felt.

We are very lucky to have this forum - and people LIKE YOU sharing support. This society doesn't support making our self our priority. Be it religion or some other messaging we get. If we do not make our self the 'most important person in our life,' we will suffer and so will others as we are not available to an/other/s until we are whole beings.

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You have to ask yourself why are you being a martyr. Maryrs usually die in the stories we hear about them. You need to get a backbone and stop being a door mat. Your head is telling you to feel guilty. You need to stop your brain in its tracks. If you can't be yourself in your own home, you nedd to move them out. Or I would tell them you are bringing people in. That way you get a break. And you take time for you. You can be in the house but do something else. Take the kids for a walk. Sledding. Relaxing in a bath. Doesnt matter. What matters is you get much needed down time.

Id also stand up to your dad and tell him to knock it off, or he can leave and you will help him. You shouldn't have to be on pins and needles around him. Set him straight. Your tolerating it and its making you miserable.
I had to take my dad in. He thought he would watch TV 16hrs a day and I would deliver meals to the chair he sat in. I told him wrong.
I told him he will be part of the family, eat meals in the kitchen/dining room and he will have nice conversation. Hes not going to be a lump in a chair. Im not the maid and I dont cater. He wanted 3 hot meals a day. I said no. He doesn't cook for himself. But I'm supposed to?
So you have to put your foot down. Tell him how the house will be run going foward. If he doesn't like it there is the door. You won't accept being grumpy or whatever he is doing. My husband noticed an immediate change and appreciated it.
So can you. Take a stand! If u have to find a place for them nearby do so. You dont need to get sick taking care of them.

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I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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