I’m just completely overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy all while watching my mom waste away more each day. I came very close to moving them out but just can't bring myself to do that to my mom. I know she only has months at the most left. But still seeing no end in sight. The guilt, trying to be a good mom to my kids (10, 12) and a good wife, all while working FT. My dad is an ungrateful a**hole whom I can barely look at so I have to literally hide in my own home to avoid him :( I'm so tired and regret having them move in as it has forever changed my relationship with my dad and he will be asked to move after my mom passes. Again - the guilt :( so burnt out. So trapped inside because of Covid worries/precautions. So sad and tired, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes now from completely neglecting myself for years. Sometimes I wonder if modern medicine and longer life expectancies are a gift or curse we’ve put upon ourselves :( I myself have already told my kids that they are under no circumstances allowed to let me or my husband live with them when we are aging. I’ll even put it in writing in case I forget thru dementia later on in life. At least this rant helped me to stop crying for the night. Hugs to all trying to make it thru caregiving. People who don't do it have no idea what its like!

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Overloaded; I ask you ONE question.

Where will your mom be if YOU die or become incapacitated from a stroke?

You are burned out. Get your mother into care; kick your father out and act as your mother's advocate and loving daughter.

And as for "keeping everyone happy"? That is the least valuable thing you can do. Do what is right for your mom's care. THAT's what matters.
Helpful Answer (28)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
lealonnie1 Feb 23, 2021
Well said Barb!
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With only months left is your mother now receiving hospice care? If not, that is number one thing to explore.
Moving them our will be no easy process. Refusal to go would mean what? I would save that for following the death of your Mom which you say is eminent.
I believe you have said something out loud that we seldom give voice to but that is very true. The added years to so many lives comes as not a gift, but a curse, especially to them, and then to us as well.
It is clear that, when your Mother is gone, you don't wish to live with you father. He will be in some mourning when your Mother goes, but after that I would make clear to him that, for the good of yourself and your entire family he cannot continue to live with you. Reassure him you will seek placement for him. Meanwhile assist him in getting vaccinated and etc. so he may be more easily placed.
This isn't fair to your entire family. However, you brought them both into your home. Now dealing with removing them won't be easy.
I hope you will start with Hospice and get some help. I am so sorry and wish you so much luck. Your story serves as a cautionary tale to those who write us about their (often not well thought-out ) plans to move elders in with them. I am certain that is little comfort to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
Riverdale Feb 24, 2021
I have not considered the added years to be a blessing. More things fail. Their needs change but rarely for the better. The costs become prohibitive. Maybe there are some jolly people out there in NH but I have as of yet to see them both now with my mother and years ago visiting my grandmother and along the way visiting friends.
I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this difficult time in your life.

There is no doubt in my mind how much you love your mother. She knows that you love her.

Sometimes we spend so much time loving others that we neglect ourselves.

Taking care of yourself is equally as important.

I understand the emotional turmoil that you feel. Honor your feelings, but be willing to be open to look at all viewpoints on your situation.

My mother was in my home for 15 years. It’s very hard to see our loved ones decline.

I took care of my father too but he did not live with me. Mom moved in after daddy died.

I am no longer my mother’s caregiver.

She is now receiving hospice care. Hospice does an excellent job at keeping patients comfortable.

I had to go through an adjustment period at first of not being her caregiver.

My husband and children kept telling me that I did more than my share of caring for my mom.

I began to feel relief, not having to do the hands on work anymore.

I realized that I had completely grown accustomed to living my life to serve my mother. I was exhausted.

We can only do so much before we hit a breaking point.

Your mom will not hate you if you can no longer stretch yourself so thinly.

You have given more than enough to your father.

You don’t owe anyone an apology or explanation for your feelings or actions.

If needed, start an eviction process to boot him out!

You and your immediate family deserve peace in your lives.

Don’t overload yourself anymore.

Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs ever!

It’s okay to stop doing the heavy lifting. You can still look out for your mom.

I wish you well. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
robertsnursery Feb 26, 2021
Holy cow.
You said, "I realized that I had completely grown accustomed to living my life to serve my mother. I was exhausted.". It hit me like a rock saying YES outloud. This is true for me to a ridiculous degree. I had just never heard it said that way. My husband told me yesterday that I am my own person and it seemed weird, my parents have always been so involved in my life that in a way, many decisions we made were to keep HER happy. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm thinking of taking care of what makes me happy now that I'm older. I loved your comment. Thank you.
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Sorry to hear that, it makes me feel bad for also feeling burned out. I just found this site tonight. I've been caring for my mom the past 3 years but when I say caring she still lives on her own. She had a stroke which she recovered from but lost most usage of her left arm and weak left leg that still needs a walker, plus some memory issues, COPD, and left vision. She is hanging in there and luckily has close friend for most Dr visits but she is still always wanting something or calling, everyday. Due to the stroke she her mind is kinda childlike in ways so I try to be understanding but it still wears.

It wears on me not just in trying to help care but also that I just want to give her some enjoyment in whatever time is left but do not know how. All this has me looking at my life (not even 50) thinking about how I could soon me the elder of our family on any side and have no one left in my life that even knew me pre high school which is weird to think you have no one to talk about those memories with. My life till now was mostly out of my control and filled with drama but always dreamed that someday we'd all be older with time to enjoy each others company, realizing now that you don't get that chance.

Luckily I have a good wife and kids to help me but I think being on sites like this even if just to vent it out are great. I think you are amazing for taking them in, I often thought about my mom living w/ us but our home would need major work to work for her which I couldn't afford. Besides my mom and I have both said we could never live with each other again or we'd end up never speaking.
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Reply to RCK333
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 23, 2021
Welcome, RCK

So many of us have traveled down the same road.

Wishing you peace along the way.

It’s a bumpy road with many detours, which can be very unsettling at times.

Don’t ever hesitate to reach out for help.

We are glad that you have joined the forum and hope to be of some help to you.

You are wise not to take your mom in. It makes the job of caregiving a million times harder.
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Are you working from home? Are you all home all day? Too much togetherness!
1 - Ask your dad to participate in your Mom's daily care - washing her laundry, organizing her clothing, helping her get dressed, etc. Can he do that? Is he along for the ride or just expecting you to do all the work. And certainly, if he's able, don't do a physical thing for him - let him do his own laundry, clean his space, do his own dishes, etc. until he gets the picture that he contributes or he has no benefits. Also - how much is he aware of your Mom's condition? Is he silently grieving without anyone's recognition of that? You didn't say how much care your Mom needs, and if she's terminal, certainly Hospice could be arranged. Financially, can they contribute to hiring an aide for 2 -3 days a week for you Mom's care? Why should all of that fall on you?
2 - Your kids are 10 and 12 - do they have a regular list of chores and things to do around the house? Which one starts dinner while you are at work? Which one does laundry? Which one helps clean the house (common areas, not just their own rooms)? Do they help create a grocery list and shop with you? That can cut down the time spend in a grocery store, or do you have delivery? Your kids can be big helps without sacrificing any relationship with them. Setting expectations and goals are a good way to develop a cohesive family relationship.
3 - What is you husband doing? Working full time, and then "off the clock" for the rest of the time? Why are YOU worried so much about being a good parent and wife and daughter, without getting nothing in return.
4 - Seems to me a family meeting is long over due, and it may just open new doors for others to help. If they don't know how this is making you feel, then the responsibility is on you to bring it to light, because they will never see it. Make a list of what you need, share it with them, and let them know that you are all in this together, but the sharing needs to be more equitable. And learn to say NO - that is the most freeing thing in the world.
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Reply to Maallis10
DianneKK Feb 26, 2021
Great, solid, advice:)
Overloaded, your name says it all. You've taken on more than you (or anyone for that matter) could possibly handle. At some point your body, mind, spirit etc. will subcomb. Barb gave you excellent advice.
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Reply to Gershun

My heart breaks for you..I know the pain..the mixed feelings. I absolutely one really gets the stress and pain we are under. My mom is now , as of yesterday, out of her 10 months of memory care facility ...she is in an assisted living...we could not keep her at home once she needed 24/7 care. ..I got mental health counseling to cope and I learned I am not responsible to make her job is to make her safe, well fed and well taken care of. I have done that. Her brain has cleared for awhile {Lewy Body Dementia}. Yesterday , when I drove her to her new home, she told me I have done a great job and I should always do the right thing which includes a facility even when she objects! I can’t tell you what to do but I can say counseling helps take the top off the guilt and pain..I did mine hour a week..please SAVE YOURSELF.
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva

I feel your pain. I'm caring for my mom. She is 95 and moved in with me on Christmas Day. I'm her youngest and live alone. Serendipitously, I lost my job of 25 years 2 weeks prior. I thought I was ready. I was horribly wrong. She wandered outside in the middle of the night without shoes or a coat during her first week with me. A few door alarms, motion detectors, and call buttons later we are both trapped in my tiny house due to COVID fears. The experience has been an odd mix of relief and grief, searing reality and disbelief, relief and anger, joy and depression. I have 4 siblings, but feel completely isolated. I thought having others around might ease the loneliness, but I see from your account that new factors when their roles come into play. I guess there is no easier way to care for a loved one while watching him or her deteriorate. I'm going to think of the things I want to say to encourage you in an attempt to encourage myself. Please think of how you would encourage me. We have the power and obviously the love regardless of how we might feel in the moment.
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Reply to vanoenm
GaPow4 Feb 26, 2021
That is a very positive way to try to uplift one another! Would love to and will begin thinking of encouraging, supportive thoughts and goals. It IS often more than overwhelming, I think trying to have some quiet when possible. Visualize peace and calm, however that looks/feels to you. Pray and pray again. I will pray for us just as it stands this moment.
You have to ask yourself why are you being a martyr. Maryrs usually die in the stories we hear about them. You need to get a backbone and stop being a door mat. Your head is telling you to feel guilty. You need to stop your brain in its tracks. If you can't be yourself in your own home, you nedd to move them out. Or I would tell them you are bringing people in. That way you get a break. And you take time for you. You can be in the house but do something else. Take the kids for a walk. Sledding. Relaxing in a bath. Doesnt matter. What matters is you get much needed down time.

Id also stand up to your dad and tell him to knock it off, or he can leave and you will help him. You shouldn't have to be on pins and needles around him. Set him straight. Your tolerating it and its making you miserable.
I had to take my dad in. He thought he would watch TV 16hrs a day and I would deliver meals to the chair he sat in. I told him wrong.
I told him he will be part of the family, eat meals in the kitchen/dining room and he will have nice conversation. Hes not going to be a lump in a chair. Im not the maid and I dont cater. He wanted 3 hot meals a day. I said no. He doesn't cook for himself. But I'm supposed to?
So you have to put your foot down. Tell him how the house will be run going foward. If he doesn't like it there is the door. You won't accept being grumpy or whatever he is doing. My husband noticed an immediate change and appreciated it.
So can you. Take a stand! If u have to find a place for them nearby do so. You dont need to get sick taking care of them.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Jasmina

You have gotten a lot of answers from others who understand why you feel so overwhelmed.

Please let us know how you are doing. I have thought about you all day.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie

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