I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

Overloaded; I ask you ONE question.

Where will your mom be if YOU die or become incapacitated from a stroke?

You are burned out. Get your mother into care; kick your father out and act as your mother's advocate and loving daughter.

And as for "keeping everyone happy"? That is the least valuable thing you can do. Do what is right for your mom's care. THAT's what matters.

Overloaded, your name says it all. You've taken on more than you (or anyone for that matter) could possibly handle. At some point your body, mind, spirit etc. will subcomb. Barb gave you excellent advice.

My goodness... we hear this so often. The guilt in not giving enough time to your family; the guilt in seeing your mom waste away; the guilt in feeling guilty, and eventually the guilt in not taking care of yourself. These emotions are dangerous, non productive and above all self imposed. You say there is no escape. That's hopelessness. If you feel hopelessness now, what's next?

You can't do anything about your mom's disease but you can do something about your situation. Evict the “ungrateful a**hole” and find care for your mom or hire a home care agency.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this difficult time in your life.

There is no doubt in my mind how much you love your mother. She knows that you love her.

Sometimes we spend so much time loving others that we neglect ourselves.

Taking care of yourself is equally as important.

I understand the emotional turmoil that you feel. Honor your feelings, but be willing to be open to look at all viewpoints on your situation.

My mother was in my home for 15 years. It’s very hard to see our loved ones decline.

I took care of my father too but he did not live with me. Mom moved in after daddy died.

I am no longer my mother’s caregiver.

She is now receiving hospice care. Hospice does an excellent job at keeping patients comfortable.

I had to go through an adjustment period at first of not being her caregiver.

My husband and children kept telling me that I did more than my share of caring for my mom.

I began to feel relief, not having to do the hands on work anymore.

I realized that I had completely grown accustomed to living my life to serve my mother. I was exhausted.

We can only do so much before we hit a breaking point.

Your mom will not hate you if you can no longer stretch yourself so thinly.

You have given more than enough to your father.

You don’t owe anyone an apology or explanation for your feelings or actions.

If needed, start an eviction process to boot him out!

You and your immediate family deserve peace in your lives.

Don’t overload yourself anymore.

Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs ever!

It’s okay to stop doing the heavy lifting. You can still look out for your mom.

I wish you well. Take care.

Sorry to hear that, it makes me feel bad for also feeling burned out. I just found this site tonight. I've been caring for my mom the past 3 years but when I say caring she still lives on her own. She had a stroke which she recovered from but lost most usage of her left arm and weak left leg that still needs a walker, plus some memory issues, COPD, and left vision. She is hanging in there and luckily has close friend for most Dr visits but she is still always wanting something or calling, everyday. Due to the stroke she her mind is kinda childlike in ways so I try to be understanding but it still wears.

It wears on me not just in trying to help care but also that I just want to give her some enjoyment in whatever time is left but do not know how. All this has me looking at my life (not even 50) thinking about how I could soon me the elder of our family on any side and have no one left in my life that even knew me pre high school which is weird to think you have no one to talk about those memories with. My life till now was mostly out of my control and filled with drama but always dreamed that someday we'd all be older with time to enjoy each others company, realizing now that you don't get that chance.

Luckily I have a good wife and kids to help me but I think being on sites like this even if just to vent it out are great. I think you are amazing for taking them in, I often thought about my mom living w/ us but our home would need major work to work for her which I couldn't afford. Besides my mom and I have both said we could never live with each other again or we'd end up never speaking.

My heart goes out to you because you're suffering indeed.
You have to give something up though because no one can keep all the plates spinning in a situation like yours all on their own.
If your husband is that much of an a**hole that you're hiding in your own home then it's time to end your marriage to him. It's not doing your kids a favor staying together if it's that bad. Also, you don't have to keep everyone happy all the time. In taking care of your mom you cannot be everything to everyone right now and they will just have to live with it.
Have you applied for the Family Leave Act? You can take up to six months off from work to care for a sick family member and your job cannot fire you.
You may also qualify to get paid for taking care of your mom if your state has a paid family caregiver program.
These could be possibilities to lessen your enormous burden.
Maybe a few hours a week of homecare services to help with your mom as well. You need a break and bringing in outside help can make that possible. Please for your own sake, consider these ideas.

Dear Overloaded, please take a warm bath, sit in the garden or in a cosy chair & take some self-care. Even if 5 mins! Breathe. Maybe 'box breathing' or listen to some relaxing music.

I think writing it out here is great! It's like a major step to getting some of the pressure out of you head. And also great to be examining the situation. Let's call it Mom's Care Plan. It was working, you were balancing it all like a superwoman. But illness can increase the load, and serious illness passes what ONE person can do. A TEAM is needed. You've highlighted Dad is (for whatever reason) not very helpful.

So you have reviewed the Care Plan. Found you need to increase the care level. More 'boots on the ground' help. From your replies, you have discounted moving your Mother at this stage - so the option left is having support come to you at home. This may be from Care Agencies or even Hospice (if that is appropriate). Hospice can advice what services are available to you. It may also be useful to have a frank discussion with Dad. We need extra help now. Can you afford to hire professional help for Mom?

Let us know (after hopefully that warm bath) how your thoughts lie. (((Hugs)))

You are correct when you say that people who have never been a caregiver have no idea what it all entails, and how it takes so much out of you. That is why it is so important that you make yourself a priority, and start taking care of yourself first and foremost. You cannot be any good to your husband and children(who should come way before your parents) when you are burning your candle on both ends. Eventually it catches up to you, as it sounds like it already has. Perhaps it's time to hire some outside help(with mom and dad's money) to come assist with your mom, so you don't have so much on your plate. You need to get out and have some fun with your husband and children.(yes you can get out and have fun even with Covid around) You can't continue like you've been doing as it's taking a huge toll on you and your health, so please do whatever it takes to make your life just a little bit easier, so you can enjoy these final months with your mom and not be so stressed out. May God bless you and keep you.

If financially possible for you, take some leave time from work (FMLA if you are in the US). I did that when my father was dying, and it was good for me, my mother, AND my employer not to have to deal with me suddenly needing days off, or having to leave work suddenly, and being stressed and distracted while there.

Your kids are old enough to help in the house. Find meal items they can easily microwave, or serve cold like crackers and cheese, to provide meals for themselves and for the family. It will make them feel important and useful to help you at this time.

There’s no help for a lot of what you are going through, and you have my virtual hug of sympathy, so try to shift away as much as you can of what you can so you can deal with mom and still have time to take care of yourself. It is not a normal time, so don’t try to do everything you normally do PLUS all the the other things.

Do you have Hospice coming in to help you?
They can help with supplies and equipment if you need it.
There will also be a Social Worker that you can talk to as well.
If your dad is cognizant you need to have a sit down with him and tell him what is going on..(what makes him an "a**hole") and tell him that he needs to change his ways. And tell him that you / he will be looking for Assisted Living (or Independent Living if appropriate) for him.
IF he is not cognizant then begin to look for Memory Care now. When an opening comes up you can move him. No need to feel guilty.
By taking these steps there may be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
You do need a break. If at all possible hire caregivers (paid for by mom and dad) to come in a few days a week. Hospice coming in a few days a week would also help. Typically the Nurse will come 1 day a week and the CNA would come 2 or 3 for about 2 hours to help bathe, change bedding and order supplies.

Your mother needs hospice, if she's not already getting hospice care. Hospice also will help you and to know that you did everything to keep her comfortable.

It is impossible to "keep everyone happy". Period. You are trying to achieve the impossible.

Your children and marriage are your first priority. You can get in-home help for your mother for which your parents pay. By neglecting yourself you are depriving your husband and children of their wife and mother.

The best thing for prediabetes is losing some weight. Prediabetes is reversible through diet and exercise. A friend of mine was told by her doctor that her A1C was high. She lost 30 pounds by cutting out white foods i.e. white flour, white sugar, etc., eating lots of veggies and walking around her community twice a day for 15-20 minutes as well as doing other little things to reduce her stress eating including making alone time for herself. It's been 6 months of changing very damaging habits and her A1C is back to normal.

As for your father, where do you plan on him going after your mother dies? I ask only because a**holes can be hard to move out.

With only months left is your mother now receiving hospice care? If not, that is number one thing to explore.
Moving them our will be no easy process. Refusal to go would mean what? I would save that for following the death of your Mom which you say is eminent.
I believe you have said something out loud that we seldom give voice to but that is very true. The added years to so many lives comes as not a gift, but a curse, especially to them, and then to us as well.
It is clear that, when your Mother is gone, you don't wish to live with you father. He will be in some mourning when your Mother goes, but after that I would make clear to him that, for the good of yourself and your entire family he cannot continue to live with you. Reassure him you will seek placement for him. Meanwhile assist him in getting vaccinated and etc. so he may be more easily placed.
This isn't fair to your entire family. However, you brought them both into your home. Now dealing with removing them won't be easy.
I hope you will start with Hospice and get some help. I am so sorry and wish you so much luck. Your story serves as a cautionary tale to those who write us about their (often not well thought-out ) plans to move elders in with them. I am certain that is little comfort to you.

A lot of good suggestions here. I am sending you love and strength. I wish I could come help. If there is ANYONE you think would come help for even an hour, call them. Church member? Neighbor? Friend? It’s sooo much. Sorry. Had the Dad dynamic you have. I GET IT. Makes it so much worse. So sorry. Yes- Hospice!!! If for any reason you don’t qualify for Hospice (not likely), then a home
health order through her doctor would give you at least 2-3 hours/week of people showing up (but it’s not caregiving, it’s nursing or PT... hut maybe you could go sit in another room, be with your kids, or at least not feel so alone). Can you pay for 4 hours/week of help? More?

my heart is with you! And don’t feel bad if your mom watches TV!

Just a hug and reminder - I see you - I hear you and you are not alone. Be good to yourself today.

You are overwhelmed and trying so hard to "do it all." The guilt is probably a realization you can't do it all (no extra hours in any day) and that you actually need a lot of help (but don't think you should need help). Start by realizing that you are only human and have needs like everybody else. You need to be able to sleep 7-9 hours every night, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace in a pleasant setting, have "time off" to care for your own health needs. and "time off" to relax and nourish your soul in activities with relationships you value. To do this, you need others to step in to helping with care giving. Make a list of all the tasks you are trying to accomplish and the amount of time each one takes to complete. Put your name by the highest need/value ones that only you can do (like love your kids and love your husband). The rest should be shown to family members, friends, members of your faith community and paid help to take on whatever tasks they can to lessen your burden. Since you state that mom probably has a short time left, consider asking doctor to write a prescription for hospice care - either in a facility or in your home. Hospice care is covered by most insurance companies.

My heart goes out to you. I understand the overwhelm and pressure you are living with. I do not have any answers, but know you have to make a change. I agree with you on the world of modern medicine being a gift or a curse. I have decided it's about quality of life over quantity...and caregiving without support and breaks will crush the quality of life most definitely. This is a great forum to vent and receive clarity and insight. It has helped so much. I am sending you a big hug! - Sunnydayze

HUGS Go to your doctor and get on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety med. it is not a cure, but it will help. I also found a therapist helpful. Someone outside of the family who will listen and offer advice. People have great advice regarding hospice, home health care, and FMLA. I believe you can split your FMLA so maybe having one or two days a week out of work will be helpful (I know I found work a sanctuary at times because my mind was taken off the situation at home, even if it was just for minutes at a time.) I know I had to work as the only breadwinner and for the insurance. Best wishes.

My heart breaks for you..I know the pain..the mixed feelings. I absolutely agree...no one really gets the stress and pain we are under. My mom is now , as of yesterday, out of her 10 months of memory care facility ...she is in an assisted living...we could not keep her at home once she needed 24/7 care. ..I got mental health counseling to cope and I learned I am not responsible to make her happy...my job is to make her safe, well fed and well taken care of. I have done that. Her brain has cleared for awhile {Lewy Body Dementia}. Yesterday , when I drove her to her new home, she told me I have done a great job and I should always do the right thing which includes a facility even when she objects! I can’t tell you what to do but I can say counseling helps take the top off the guilt and pain..I did mine online..an hour a week..please SAVE YOURSELF.

Bentire you get completely burnt out, you need to talk to your Dad and let him know what is going to be happening.

Call his Insurance Co and see what is available.

Call Agency for the Ekderly and start your search for Senior Care Placement for your Dad.

Find a Senior Home for your Dad and then
have your mom put under the care of Hospice, which you'll get some home help with her.

If your mom refuses to stay at your home without Dad, then line up a Senior place for both your mom and Dad.

Hospice Care will be luned up fir her Carr and you can go visit.

Seems like this would be the best solution so you and your family can have your life back..

Prayers

My heart goes out to you and I pray you somehow can take care of yourself first. You have such a burden on your shoulders , I only hope your husband can pick up some of the slack with your kids.
may God bless you for doing such a service for your parents .

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. My story mirrors yours so much. The only thing is you have the blessing of your children and let them be your light. I pray I’m able to give my husband one at least, he’d be an amazing father and it’s not fair that the time taken to look after my mother doesn’t allow for me to get pregnant at this time. I’d be a high risk pregnancy and I can’t be away from my mom until my father retires and cares for his own wife. After having back surgery My mother leaned on me a lot so when she broke both her hips in one year and never got back on her feet we moved in to help out because she was a fall risk. She stayed in the wheelchair and slowly regressed into dementia. Finding anyone to help outside of immediate family is almost impossible because this is not a job for the faint and you don’t get time off, ever. We went thru some very bad caregivers so my house is filled with cameras. Bless my husband he has been my rock in helping me with my mother who is beyond what we signed on for and all the while my father is working and not retiring and taking responsibility. My sweet and patient husband is so frustrated that he says my father would go into a home immediately because he doesn’t have any respect for him for many reasons. My father fought and recovered from cancer just after my moms second hip break and there was a notable difference in care. We have been living in fear of Covid and both my husband and myself took stress leave from work to stay safe with mom and she caught Covid on Xmas when my very unhelpful brother came in like a Trojan horse. It took a very long 50 days to get my disabled, diabetic and dementia mother to get over Covid and it was an uphill battle. My father also got it but again it was all hands on. My leave from my day job ends in April and I have to return to work and there’s only so much a job will accept with not being reliable even tho I’m a hard worker that matters not if I’m not there. The guilt, stress, sadness, fear of everything down to fear of future regret for how I feel and am behaving and anger to those who are watching this emotional, physical and spiritual weight crashing down for years with barely any reprieve. Then the anger, guilt and immediate regret of how I feel affecting the quality time I want to be spending with what’s left of my mother. I could go on for days but I hope you hearing my story let’s you know you are very much not alone. I see you. I feel what you feel. I sit here crying reading and writing you, a complete stranger and feeling more connected to you than any friend in my life. We will get thru this because there are lights of positivity in our lives that deserve the best versions of us, just as much as we deserve to be happy and live. Let their positivity heal your soul and don’t allow your father any more of your life ♥️💛💚🙏🏼

I feel your pain. Your mom is definitely ready for hospice. I’ve been in your shoes. What I’ve learned from people living longer is this: the NH industry has become a racket. Nobody can afford up to spend up to $9000 a month to place a parent in a facility with a 5-star chef...my mother has 6 teeth and is never hungry anyway. If this cautionary tale has taught us caregivers anything it’s this—we need to ensure we have long term care insurance for ourselves to avoid putting our own children through this situation down the road. Once we have our ducks in a row with our parents we need to do this for ourselves and our kids. So sorry for your pain and God bless you.

When one is this overwhelmed it is often hard to take steps to make necessary changes, because even THAT is overwhelming. Sit down and have a talk session with yourself. List what changes would make your situation more bearable and then what steps are needed. This will help you see that steps can be taken to make changes. If you don’t then things will continue in a downward spiral. You’ve already said it’s affecting your health. And even if they don’t mention it, you kids and marriage are being affected too.

I agree with others that hospice should be called in to assess your mom. As long as she is under your roof, your dad has no say in this matter. I also agree getting her into a facility would help you but I can see you aren’t willing to do that.

I suggest a family meeting. Sit down with everyone and do this after you’ve made your list. Tell the children about your feelings and ask them to help out. List the chores they can do to help you out. Your husband needs to pitch in. Your father needs to help. Give everyone "jobs" and take some of the burden off you!! Women are bad at wanting to be people pleasers and as you said make everyone happy. But this is unrealistic and self imposed. Setting boundaries is what you need to do and do it now. If you don’t, you will be causing your mental and physical health to get worse. This letter you wrote is a wake up call to yourself. Only you can change and make the decisions to help yourself get out of this muck. I wish you strength to do so. Keep in touch.

I can relate. I gave up my job to care for my father in law. He has dementia and parkinsons. I care for him 24/7 and have to do everything. I have little money, do not see anybody else. I drink to much to cope. I do not take care of myself, and sometimes I just wanna die. I had thought about suicide in past, but deep down that's not me. I do have breakdowns, but seems to occur if I have had too much to drink. I am 48, a male and desperate. And yes as you mentioned, covid on top of it all makes it worse. I just don't know anymore. Best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Can you get a sitter like Home Instead to come at least once a week for a few hours? I'm dealing with this too, as my 87 y/o dad, who is now bedridden with dementia, has been living with us for the last 3 years. My teenage granddaughter also lives with us. She has been doing online school, and my husband has been working from home. Do you work from home? I can't even imagine trying to hold a job, as being a caregiver is a physically and mentally demanding 24/7 job! I'm 56, and for the first time in my life, I was put on an antidepressant. I also feel like I am neglecting my own health, and I have an autoimmune disease. You need some "me" time away from them all! If you get sick, then what? I had a kidney infection last week, and it scared me, as I kept thinking, what if I get sick in bed? I know my husband isn't changing diapers! Take care of yourself first! I know it's easier said than done. You need to get some outside help. I would give your dad an ultimatum, either you have help come in that they pay for, or they will have to go to a home!

You are suffering from CAREGIVER BURNOUT. Believe me, it's real. I suffer from CONVERSION DISORDER; which can be brought on my too much stress. It has COMPLETELY affected my own health ~ physically, emotionally, and mentally. Once this happend; something HAD TO BE DONE. Don't let yourself get to this point. I would start looking into your father's insurance. See if he can be put into some type of Alzheimer's/Demential facility. Check out: ADULT FOSTER CARE HOMES. They're more ONE ON ONE with the patients. I hope this helps Overloaded 2021. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) :)

Are you working from home? Are you all home all day? Too much togetherness!
1 - Ask your dad to participate in your Mom's daily care - washing her laundry, organizing her clothing, helping her get dressed, etc. Can he do that? Is he along for the ride or just expecting you to do all the work. And certainly, if he's able, don't do a physical thing for him - let him do his own laundry, clean his space, do his own dishes, etc. until he gets the picture that he contributes or he has no benefits. Also - how much is he aware of your Mom's condition? Is he silently grieving without anyone's recognition of that? You didn't say how much care your Mom needs, and if she's terminal, certainly Hospice could be arranged. Financially, can they contribute to hiring an aide for 2 -3 days a week for you Mom's care? Why should all of that fall on you?
2 - Your kids are 10 and 12 - do they have a regular list of chores and things to do around the house? Which one starts dinner while you are at work? Which one does laundry? Which one helps clean the house (common areas, not just their own rooms)? Do they help create a grocery list and shop with you? That can cut down the time spend in a grocery store, or do you have delivery? Your kids can be big helps without sacrificing any relationship with them. Setting expectations and goals are a good way to develop a cohesive family relationship.
3 - What is you husband doing? Working full time, and then "off the clock" for the rest of the time? Why are YOU worried so much about being a good parent and wife and daughter, without getting nothing in return.
4 - Seems to me a family meeting is long over due, and it may just open new doors for others to help. If they don't know how this is making you feel, then the responsibility is on you to bring it to light, because they will never see it. Make a list of what you need, share it with them, and let them know that you are all in this together, but the sharing needs to be more equitable. And learn to say NO - that is the most freeing thing in the world.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  Coping with the fact that you are losing your mom is hard enough...having them live with you is another level of hell in itself.  I wonder if there is a place they could move to that would offer hospice to your mom and once your mom passes, your dad could stay there alone. Like assisted living with hospice coming in to help mom. I think finding the right place for them to go would help alleviate some of your guilt.

Telling them you think your mom needs more comfort care at this stage could be your catalyst in the conversation.  I think if you wait until your mom passes, it will be more difficult for you and your dad to get him to move.

All of this stress is not good for your family.  Do the right thing for everyone involved...start visiting some AL facilities and see if they can accommodate your parents situation and even if they can't, they may have some suggestions.

I know the feeling ..have felt the same at times when I reach my breaking point.
Try to make a point to find some time to yourself each day where you aren't doing anything for anyone. It sounds like you've taken on responsibility for too many on your shoulders. Tell the adults how you are feeling overwhelmed, especially your husband. Can your dad and husband help with some things with your mom to lighten your load? Can the kids take over additional chores etc to help. Just a thought.....good luck to you....

You are under a tremendous amount of pressure and my heart goes out to you. As caregivers we sometimes have to take things 5 minutes at time or an hour at a time. If you’re able to do it, I’d suggest 2 things. One is to schedule some “me time” just for you. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a nice long soak, your bedroom to listen to relaxing music, meditate or read a good book or leave the house by yourself and go for a long drive. The key is to schedule it, tell your family members in advance, and then enforce it with setting boundaries. As far as your dad, setting boundaries may help but it’s hard when dealing with a difficult parent.

I am dealing with a narcissistic Alzheimer’s mother. I’m in the process of setting boundaries with her and fully expect backlash. My health is suffering as is my marriage and this is where I draw the line. Please don’t let your situation get to this point. I’m fortunate to have a good therapist to help me through this difficult process, and it has been worth every penny.

Hang in there and sending a hug.