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I married last year. My MIL had been living with my husband, but she was having a house built, and was supposed to be going to stay with someone until she could move in, so we would have our privacy as newlyweds. Well, “staying with someone” ended up with her at our home all day, and only leaving at night to sleep, until she decided her poor back really needed her own bed and she stopped leaving at night. Then she decided she didn’t like the new house, and told the builders to keep it.


It’s been over a year now, and my husband says she’s still planning to move, but there were no good homes for sale in the area, and now with Covid she isn’t even looking. I hate living here, MIL runs the house, and my husband gets mad if I even mention trying to tell her anything. I feel like I’ve got to hide away in another room all day, and she’ll still come find me in there. Her friend also comes over all day, every day, and they have loud conversations and watch loud tv.


I’ve tried telling my husband how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with the living arrangement, but he’ll just say he’s sorry I’m unhappy and won’t try to make any changes. He says she’s in poor health and we have to be nice. Though if I mention how if her health is so bad, maybe she should look into senior living, he says she’s a strong, capable woman.


She’s only in her 60s, and her own mother is still living (in a nursing home) in her 80s. I didn’t agree to live with another woman in the home, and I certainly can’t go on like this for another 20 or 30 years. I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving? The way things have gone so far, if I tell my husband it’s me or his mother, I’m not sure he’s going to pick me.

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Who’s paying for her life? Does she contribute to the household? I’m sorry your husband is totally spineless where his mother is concerned, but the sad fact is he’s already chosen long ago and it’s mom. I hope you’ll both seek counseling as a last hope to save your relationship. He’s not hearing you as things are
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Listen, DH and your MIL CHANGED THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT they both made with you when you married him! It's not acceptable for your MIL to live with you, as you did not agree to that when you said "I do" and now, you DON'T. Period.

Your husband has a choice. He can man up and be your husband, or he can stay a little mama's boy and take care of his mommy and they can live happily ever after, together, in the same house. Two women under one roof = disaster.

If he chooses his mother, get out while the getting is good. Otherwise, you're facing decades of life under HER roof and HER rule. I would say, for me, that's a deal breaker. If it's a deal breaker for you, then lay down the law.

If not, figure out how to make it work for the three of you. For me, three's a crowd.

Good luck!!!
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Is she a freeloader? Does she contribute anything to your household? Does she require any caregiving?

You're in the beginning years of a marriage which might be doomed. Try counseling, but also be aware that it might not work. Once you find out for sure that your H won't put his foot down and make his mother live elsewhere, the sooner you start a new life, the better.

And don't bring any kids into this!
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Maybell Oct 2020
She does contribute, she pays some utilities and does a little housework, though she also keeps the house in a huge mess. She’s in poor health, but doesn’t require any more care than the average older woman, like she may need help moving heavy items.

It’s crossed my mind that we should probably try therapy, or at least talking to the pastor at our church. I don’t know if my husband would go for that; he hates for anyone to know any of his business.
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On the face of it I'm fairly sure he won't pick you, and that in a way it might be best if you agree to part and chalk this up to experience; but could we go back a bit and see the whole picture?

Your MIL was living with your husband. Why - what happened that both made her move in with her son and made this seem like a reasonable idea to him? More to the point, WHEN did she move in to her son's home?

How long had you known him before you married?
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my2cents Oct 2020
good questions
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As said this was not the agreement. I think Dear MIL is playing her son. Maybe his house but she lived there and was used to doing it her way. I think she is trying to get rid of you and she may succeed.

Maybe what you can do is suggest DH sells the house to Mom and you find another place to live. I hate ultimatums usually work out the wrong way but maybe that is what you need to do.

Tell DH this is not what you signed up for. Mom was not suppose to be in the picture. You don't feel comfortable in a home that should be yours. So, if he can't tell his Mom that ur a priority and that she needs to find a place to live, because that is what she said she would do, then u will need to leave. You don't plan on living the next 20 years under the same roof as her. If he chooses Mom, then u have your answer. Then u leave.
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Maybell Oct 2020
I’ve already tried suggesting that we move, and he refuses. I also think his mom may be hoping I’ll get fed up eventually and leave, and if things keep going as they are, I may.
(11)
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I think that you married with an agreement that hasn't been kept. Your husband clearly understands your position but has chosen your mother. Now the choices you have for yourself are your own, and can only be made by you. At 60 you are correct. She may have 40 years left.
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Pack your bag and go somewhere relaxing for a week or two. Let your husband know that you'll be going away for a while and let him take care of his mother. My guess is he'll be begging you to come home at some point. Only do so after he's found another living arrangement for his mom. Support his relationship with his mom, but erect firm boundaries for protecting your marriage. Meanwhile, work on having an amenable relationship with the MIL. Check in now and then and don't act out becoming the rageful daughter-in-law. You'll be firm and yet not angry, upset or acting out with MIL. In other words, manage the situation in a way that he gets the message that you're no longer available to live with him and mom, but that you do care @ his mother.

P.S. The last thing I would do to my adult son is to live with him and his new wife. Very cagey of is mother. Also, perhaps her son needs to learn about how to individuate from their relationship. Has there been any trauma involved?
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Maybell Oct 2020
His parents separated when he was young, so she raised him as a single mom. Nothing else traumatic.

Yeah, supposedly she was telling him before we married, when she was supposed to be moving out, that she thinks newlyweds should have their privacy and space. I’m not supposed to say anything that could hurt her feelings, but she obviously knows she’s causing problems in our marriage.
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Do you work? That helps to get out of the house.
As the others have said, give him an ultimatum. So he knows you're serious. Therapy might help for guidance.
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Maybell Oct 2020
I do work. It used to be that I looked forward to coming home after work, but I dread it now.
(6)
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I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm also equally sorry to say that your choices are somewhat limited. Stay and be miserable, leave (temporarily) and hope your husband comes around to your way of thinking, or leave permanently.

I know what I would do in this situation. But I'm not you, so what I would do isn't really relevant.

But I want you to look at the very last line you wrote and think about it. Are you really willing to be married to someone that you aren't sure is going to put your needs ahead of his mother's?

My daughter once asked me how I know my husband was "the one". I told her he was the first man I was ever in a relationship with who put my happiness ahead if his own.

You deserve to have such a man in your life.

Even IF you give him an ultimatum now, and even IF he acquiesces, how much longer until there's another issue in which your happiness comes way down his list of priorities and you have to make yet another and yet another ultimatum?

Your dilemma has somewhat less to do with caregiving, and more to do with your spouse caring about you. Only you can decide how much you're willing to put up with.

I hope whatever you decide, you can find the happiness we all deserve to have in our lives.

Good luck!
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You and your husband might benefit from some marriage counseling. If you think that might not be affordable, try contacting a spiritual counselor. The Catholic Church runs retreats for married couples called Marriage Encounters that concentrate on improved communication. I'm sure other faith communities have programs to support marriages too.

You have a difficult problem and I sympathize. I agree with the advice to make sure you are able to support yourself independently because that will make you stronger no matter what resolution you and your husband come to on this issue.
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Maybell—-if you have to ask the last question in your post, i think deep down , you already know your husband is a mama’s boy and he has chosen her. You can give him your ultimatum and just sit back and see what he does. No where in your wedding vows did it say you were to take care of MIL in YOU and your husband’s home. Right?? I feel for you, but if he doesn’t make the necessary moves now, you should do what makes you happy and fulfilled as a woman and a human being.....might be time to step back or move on with your life.....just my thoughts. Blessings coming your way
to find peace and happiness.....
Blessed Be )0(
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Run, don’t walk. He’s a mamas boy and he will always pick her first. Just leave. Move on without him.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
I sense he'd be the same even if his mother wasn't around or after she leaves this earth. He doesn't respect his wife. Period. I heard years ago:

YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU

So true.
(6)
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So, in his 30s, he bought a house and found he couldn't maintain it on his own. He brought his mother in to be his housekeeper, rather than paying a once a week cleaner, the way lots of folks do.

He dated you for 4 years before (reluctantly?) making a commitment to marriage and ?kids?

He tells you mom is moving out but she doesn't. He says he is sorry you are uncomfortable with the situation, but will not allow changes.

What makes you think this man is going to do anything but use you?

Does he want kids? If HE does, then you tell him no dice until mom moves out.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like this guy has any desire to make YOU happy. I would move on. Go see a therapist on your own.
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Don't just run, run fast. Or one day you'll be in the shower and he'll come in wearing his mother's dress and holding a butcher knife. Each castle can only have one queen, and he's clearly picked who will be his.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
You know . . . women who take this for years and year and finally CRACK and do their spouse in (to the grave) are 'often' criminally charged for murder. I know there is the abuse doctrine although I wonder how 'easy' it is to actually use it in a court of law. Let's hope he's a vegetarian and has no need for a butcher's knife.
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Sounds like he has been trained for a long time to be Momma's *good boy*. Trained that Momma comes first. Always.

But that stunts other relationships as you are seeing - three is a crowd in a marriage!

He needs to have this explained to him - until he gets it. Starting with your Pastor is a very good idea. Make an appointment & invite him. If he does not think it is 'his problem" go on your own for support & advice.

Communication is about both of you. Is he willing to take responsibility for his part in communication in his marriage? That"s going to be the first step of many in the road.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
While I am not traditionally religious, I would question if the 'Pastor' is a very good idea. I suggest a neutral therapist, without the religion indocrination or belief system of the church interfering. "IF" the pastor takes the position that the 'man is the head of the house and he makes all the decisions,' it certainly won't help this woman --- who needs to feel her self-worth and self-respect. She's already been through h---l and back. My vote is for a neutral therapist, preferably Jungian trained. If she goes to a therapist, DO ask how they work, what their approach is. Everyone works differently.
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I was shocked by your last sentence. Do you really want to stay with him if he chooses his mom?
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One other thing that's bothering me is that, if you decide to leave, please make sure you have somewhere to go and the resources to remain there. I've just seen too many things happen to others. Also be mindful of joint bank accounts or joint credit cards, etc. Make sure you know where you stand in terms of accessing those funds. Several years back, we had a split in our family. Both husband and wife were trying to hide money from the other. Husband successfully removed wife from a credit card and didn't tell her until after the fact. Things like that can get so bad. I knew someone professionally whose mother seemed to be overly involved in his relationship/divorce and this woman made the DIL out to be the most unimaginable witch - son went right along with what his mother said and had few if any thoughts of his own.
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MaryKathleen Oct 2020
You are right on.
Take care of yourself financially and don't bring children into this disaster. I would get an attorney ASAP and get a job if you don't have one.
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Run, don’t walk, away from him. He chose his mom over you.
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BeenThroughThis Oct 2020
I agree with Bridger: leave. Your husband and MIL seem to be a sickly-entwined team, and you come last with them. MIL seems to enjoy the conflict and sounds determined to drum you out of the corps. Why give her the continued satisfaction of making you miserable? Firstly get a therapist for yourself, to learn to stand up for yourself and to discover and really understand that you deserve to come first in a future-husband’s life. Next, get an annulment so you have a clean emotional slate. There are so many good men out there who would treat you as you deserved to be treated. As another poster pointed out, if you don’t escape now, you could be looking at forty or so years of sustained misery with the MIL. A narcissistic wily devious relation of mine lasted to age 102, making everyone around her miserable. Nasty people seem to live long since they gain joy and strength from making others miserable. Do not stand for being her target. You deserve so much better.
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I read some of your answers to other's questions, and honestly I'm shocked you have been able to put up with this for a year. I wouldn't last a week.

Your MIL *knows* she is invading privacy and yet she still has not moved after a year!

Already you are feeling that she is aware that she is causing marriage issues, yet it continues. Like some sick mind game on who has the most control over the man child.

LEAVE HIM. If he is like this now, and she is like this now in her 60's when she is a capable woman I can't imagine the nightmare she would be down the road, with your man-child husband falling right in line with what SHE wants.

I'm really sorry Maybell, but you deserve better.
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katiekat2009 Oct 2020
You are right. This is a game to MIL to prove her son loves her best.
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I was married to too different men. The first I was not priority in his life. His daughter wasn't even priority. I divorced and remarried to a man that I am priority. He adopted my daughter, her Dad willingly gave up his parental rights. We have been married 40 yrs. My now husband would have done anything for his Mom but I always came first. But TG she moved to Fla two days away because she would have been a pain.
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notgoodenough Oct 2020
Good for you, Joann, for recognizing you deserve someone who cherishes you and having the strength to walk away from someone who didn't!
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Maybell, I am so sorry. There's great advice below, but keep in mind one thing while you decide what to do: your MIL could easily live for DECADES with you and Hubby.
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When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

Book by Kenneth M. Adams
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Why was your marriage postponed for 4 years? Was that because of his mother’s shenanigans? If so, why did she finally lose out and let you get married? Why did she stop the building of her house and ‘tell the builders to keep it’? It’s bizarre – I’ve never heard anything like it before! Why doesn’t she approve of any ‘good homes in the area’? Really? None?

It sounds as though your husband’s mother is a master game player. The only round she didn’t win was that you did actually get married. Then she recouped, and messed up the marriage anyway. You may have been playing too nice because you didn’t realise what was going on. Now you do realise, in your shoes I would play it down to the wire. Spell it out clearly, and force DH to choose. Frankly, a condition on a win might be to move away out of her locality. If you lose, get cracking on your own life! What a bummer!
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rovana Oct 2020
In some cultures, MIL would allow, even encourage, son to marry in order to acquire a DIL to take care of her and the household in her old age. MIL would be the matriarch and queen of the household, DIL would actually be a servant (unpaid of course). This man is not husband material, he is married to his mom.
(17)
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Extra comment: Make the condition that his mother chooses another place to live, with no limited location conditions. If she has to move away, so much the better. Like this, there simply MUST be a good-enough place for her!
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jacobsonbob Oct 2020
Agreed; however, it's strange that the MIL was having a house built, and then decided she didn't like it. I get the impression that no matter WHAT kind of house is found or built, or WHERE it is, the MIL will decide she doesn't like it if her son isn't living in it with her. The MIL will play this game indefinitely.
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Try couples counseling and be firm on what YOUR expectations and conditions are. If he's unwilling to make changes, including moving MIL out of your household, I'd look into divorce. Or resign yourself to living miserably without complaint for many years. You have the power of choice.

My counselor also gave me the name of a good divorce attorney, who handled the divorce for a very reasonable fee and helped me retain my full pension (which is extremely valuable now that I'm retired.) It was as amicable as possible considering the circumstances.

Divorcing was the right decision for me. Once it was over, I met my current husband, to whom I've been married for over 30 years.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
A woman has to feel she deserves to be respected and own her 'person-hood.' It only took me 47 years to realize that myself. But, with the grace of a God, I didn't / wasn't married. I was miserably engaged and somehow found the strength to leave that situation.

Couples or individual - or both - counseling sessions will help this woman learn to find - and speak - her truth. It took me years to realize I wasn't living my life; I was living the life my mother told me [I had] to live. That took lots of psychological and emotional unpacking. . . .
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Listen to these smart people and their advice. It is NOT going to get any better. Your husband is not living up to his covenant with you.
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Run.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
Amen sister.
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Amazing all the different stories, isn't it? Mine, too; my ex MIL hated me because I wasn't Italian, like the whole family and everyone she knew. She once said she would rather he was gay than married to me. She was miserable to me; I DID say "EX" MIL, didn't I?

P.S. God gave me my current sweet husband of 27 years! There's hope at the end of the tunnel.....
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You face an unusual and difficult situation. Understandably, your husband does not want to throw his mother out on the street, especially with a pandemic. Understandably, your MIL is undermining your authority in your own household and reigning as the matriarch. You did not sign up for this... but you don't need a separation either.

Please commit to couples counselling to have a neutral place and dedicated time (weekly, please) to discuss problems and have professional help with finding solutions. Your unique situation illustrates why the Bible says, " a man leaves his family and a woman leaves her home; the two become one." You need time to establish ground rules with others while you are creating a married team. You need space and time to create each other as the priority and everybody as second place.
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TouchMatters Oct 2020
Mommy could be thrown in a rental unit until she builds her house.
And, I agree. Couples counseling.
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OP doesn’t need a separation if DH puts her first and his mother second. If his mother has the funds to build a house (and change her mind partway through the build!), he is not ‘throwing his mother out on the street’ if he requires her to leave the marital home.

This is difficult but not in fact all that ‘unusual’, as Rovana commented. If it has been going on for years, in one form or another, counseling is not likely to improve the situation. Sure, OP, try it, but be firm and don’t spend even more years on it if it doesn’t work promptly.
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