I married last year. My MIL had been living with my husband, but she was having a house built, and was supposed to be going to stay with someone until she could move in, so we would have our privacy as newlyweds. Well, “staying with someone” ended up with her at our home all day, and only leaving at night to sleep, until she decided her poor back really needed her own bed and she stopped leaving at night. Then she decided she didn’t like the new house, and told the builders to keep it.
It’s been over a year now, and my husband says she’s still planning to move, but there were no good homes for sale in the area, and now with Covid she isn’t even looking. I hate living here, MIL runs the house, and my husband gets mad if I even mention trying to tell her anything. I feel like I’ve got to hide away in another room all day, and she’ll still come find me in there. Her friend also comes over all day, every day, and they have loud conversations and watch loud tv.
I’ve tried telling my husband how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with the living arrangement, but he’ll just say he’s sorry I’m unhappy and won’t try to make any changes. He says she’s in poor health and we have to be nice. Though if I mention how if her health is so bad, maybe she should look into senior living, he says she’s a strong, capable woman.
She’s only in her 60s, and her own mother is still living (in a nursing home) in her 80s. I didn’t agree to live with another woman in the home, and I certainly can’t go on like this for another 20 or 30 years. I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving? The way things have gone so far, if I tell my husband it’s me or his mother, I’m not sure he’s going to pick me.
Your husband has a choice. He can man up and be your husband, or he can stay a little mama's boy and take care of his mommy and they can live happily ever after, together, in the same house. Two women under one roof = disaster.
If he chooses his mother, get out while the getting is good. Otherwise, you're facing decades of life under HER roof and HER rule. I would say, for me, that's a deal breaker. If it's a deal breaker for you, then lay down the law.
If not, figure out how to make it work for the three of you. For me, three's a crowd.
Good luck!!!
You're in the beginning years of a marriage which might be doomed. Try counseling, but also be aware that it might not work. Once you find out for sure that your H won't put his foot down and make his mother live elsewhere, the sooner you start a new life, the better.
And don't bring any kids into this!
It’s crossed my mind that we should probably try therapy, or at least talking to the pastor at our church. I don’t know if my husband would go for that; he hates for anyone to know any of his business.
Your MIL was living with your husband. Why - what happened that both made her move in with her son and made this seem like a reasonable idea to him? More to the point, WHEN did she move in to her son's home?
How long had you known him before you married?
Maybe what you can do is suggest DH sells the house to Mom and you find another place to live. I hate ultimatums usually work out the wrong way but maybe that is what you need to do.
Tell DH this is not what you signed up for. Mom was not suppose to be in the picture. You don't feel comfortable in a home that should be yours. So, if he can't tell his Mom that ur a priority and that she needs to find a place to live, because that is what she said she would do, then u will need to leave. You don't plan on living the next 20 years under the same roof as her. If he chooses Mom, then u have your answer. Then u leave.
P.S. The last thing I would do to my adult son is to live with him and his new wife. Very cagey of is mother. Also, perhaps her son needs to learn about how to individuate from their relationship. Has there been any trauma involved?
Yeah, supposedly she was telling him before we married, when she was supposed to be moving out, that she thinks newlyweds should have their privacy and space. I’m not supposed to say anything that could hurt her feelings, but she obviously knows she’s causing problems in our marriage.
As the others have said, give him an ultimatum. So he knows you're serious. Therapy might help for guidance.
I'm also equally sorry to say that your choices are somewhat limited. Stay and be miserable, leave (temporarily) and hope your husband comes around to your way of thinking, or leave permanently.
I know what I would do in this situation. But I'm not you, so what I would do isn't really relevant.
But I want you to look at the very last line you wrote and think about it. Are you really willing to be married to someone that you aren't sure is going to put your needs ahead of his mother's?
My daughter once asked me how I know my husband was "the one". I told her he was the first man I was ever in a relationship with who put my happiness ahead if his own.
You deserve to have such a man in your life.
Even IF you give him an ultimatum now, and even IF he acquiesces, how much longer until there's another issue in which your happiness comes way down his list of priorities and you have to make yet another and yet another ultimatum?
Your dilemma has somewhat less to do with caregiving, and more to do with your spouse caring about you. Only you can decide how much you're willing to put up with.
I hope whatever you decide, you can find the happiness we all deserve to have in our lives.
Good luck!
You have a difficult problem and I sympathize. I agree with the advice to make sure you are able to support yourself independently because that will make you stronger no matter what resolution you and your husband come to on this issue.
to find peace and happiness.....
Blessed Be )0(
YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU
So true.
He dated you for 4 years before (reluctantly?) making a commitment to marriage and ?kids?
He tells you mom is moving out but she doesn't. He says he is sorry you are uncomfortable with the situation, but will not allow changes.
What makes you think this man is going to do anything but use you?
Does he want kids? If HE does, then you tell him no dice until mom moves out.
Frankly, it doesn't sound like this guy has any desire to make YOU happy. I would move on. Go see a therapist on your own.
But that stunts other relationships as you are seeing - three is a crowd in a marriage!
He needs to have this explained to him - until he gets it. Starting with your Pastor is a very good idea. Make an appointment & invite him. If he does not think it is 'his problem" go on your own for support & advice.
Communication is about both of you. Is he willing to take responsibility for his part in communication in his marriage? That"s going to be the first step of many in the road.
Take care of yourself financially and don't bring children into this disaster. I would get an attorney ASAP and get a job if you don't have one.
Your MIL *knows* she is invading privacy and yet she still has not moved after a year!
Already you are feeling that she is aware that she is causing marriage issues, yet it continues. Like some sick mind game on who has the most control over the man child.
LEAVE HIM. If he is like this now, and she is like this now in her 60's when she is a capable woman I can't imagine the nightmare she would be down the road, with your man-child husband falling right in line with what SHE wants.
I'm really sorry Maybell, but you deserve better.
Book by Kenneth M. Adams
It sounds as though your husband’s mother is a master game player. The only round she didn’t win was that you did actually get married. Then she recouped, and messed up the marriage anyway. You may have been playing too nice because you didn’t realise what was going on. Now you do realise, in your shoes I would play it down to the wire. Spell it out clearly, and force DH to choose. Frankly, a condition on a win might be to move away out of her locality. If you lose, get cracking on your own life! What a bummer!
My counselor also gave me the name of a good divorce attorney, who handled the divorce for a very reasonable fee and helped me retain my full pension (which is extremely valuable now that I'm retired.) It was as amicable as possible considering the circumstances.
Divorcing was the right decision for me. Once it was over, I met my current husband, to whom I've been married for over 30 years.
Couples or individual - or both - counseling sessions will help this woman learn to find - and speak - her truth. It took me years to realize I wasn't living my life; I was living the life my mother told me [I had] to live. That took lots of psychological and emotional unpacking. . . .
P.S. God gave me my current sweet husband of 27 years! There's hope at the end of the tunnel.....
Please commit to couples counselling to have a neutral place and dedicated time (weekly, please) to discuss problems and have professional help with finding solutions. Your unique situation illustrates why the Bible says, " a man leaves his family and a woman leaves her home; the two become one." You need time to establish ground rules with others while you are creating a married team. You need space and time to create each other as the priority and everybody as second place.
And, I agree. Couples counseling.
This is difficult but not in fact all that ‘unusual’, as Rovana commented. If it has been going on for years, in one form or another, counseling is not likely to improve the situation. Sure, OP, try it, but be firm and don’t spend even more years on it if it doesn’t work promptly.