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I've been a caregiver for my mom for the last 4 years along with my nephew and older brother. My nephew and I get paid to take care of her. My brother decided to keep his job and didn't want to get paid to take care of her, I guess he didn't want the full time responsibility and I understand. I feel that we are fortunate to be in a position to still make a living while caring for our mom. A little history, my mom had 2 houses. Again we are fortunate, 1 she lived in and the other my brother lived in. I had my own place since early 20's and haven't looked backed since and my nephew went off to college. I always had a little resentment towards them because I felt my mom spoiled and enable them. Don't get me wrong she spoiled me as well but I don't take advantage of her like they have and still do. She had a stroke which brought us together to make sure she received the care she needed and to make difficult decisions. I'll admit when she first got sick I was in denial of the severity of the stroke and I didn't want any of her responsibilities. I didn't want to worry about her bills or anything. Needless to say I finally realize she wasn't going to get better and things needed to be handled. So I stared handling things, I told my brother to take care of the house he's in and i'll take care of the home mom was in. I had to write letters and make a lot of calls in order to get caught up on her bills. He decided to rent out that house and move in with mom. I told him I didn't care what he did as long as the house was taken care of. Now that he lives with mom he should take care of the utility bills and i'll pay the mortgage on the house from her money of course. Couple months later my nephew moved in with his girlfriend. I didn't mention that this is a family house (the house my mom grew up in). A couple yrs go pass and my bro has had a couple different tenants but obviously things weren't going too well because I came across a foreclosure notice for that house. Of course I ask him about it and he's blaming the tenants for not paying. Am I wrong to think that he's still responsible to pay even if they don't?? He borrowed money from his friend and paid on the house. Of course I was pissed but we got through it but that didn't help my resentment that I already had. For months the house sat empty and boom another foreclosure notice. At that point I step up and said we're selling and I don't care what y'all say. They were cool with it knowing that'll get something out of the deal. I sold the house and divided into 3. We didn't get a lot for the house so that meant our portions wouldn't be that large. I suggested we all pitch in and fix up the house but they thought it'll better to do whatever they want with their portion and just use my mom portion to fix the house. My nephew moved out with his gf and my bro did God knows what with his money. It was unbeliveable to me that they wouldn't and haven't contributed any money to getting the house fix up. But because my mom lives there I can't just say forget about the house. Its now a yr later and they still haven't stepped up and guess what, they don't have any money left and my nephew moved back but still doesn't stay there. They didn't even buy my mom a freaking thank you t-shirt , I Love U Mom mug, nothing. How does a person mess up a house and doesn't even share the money with the person who gave it to you? They don't know how blessed they are, they act entitled to my mom's stuff. They walk around without a care in the world. Now I have so much more resentment toward them because I feel my mom and myself are under appreciated. Things go wrong in that house and I take care of it, but when I told them they had to go, it was a big fight. I don't understand how some people are ok with not growing up and living off of other people. I left out that I'm a single mom of a 5yo with my own place and bills. When I think about all the money I spent on a house I don't live, I literally get sick to my stomach. How can I find sanity???

This is a good place to vent. Only people with caregiving experience can understand anything about it. Others think they do, but unless you are or have been in the trenches, just impossible to understand how difficult it can be.

I love that this forum is anonymous, giving people the ability to be brutally honest without fear of a friend or family member thinking poorly of them for their honest feelings.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to againx100
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Wow, what a story! I know it’s hard to share painful feelings. I admire your courage to share.

Unfortunately many of us have rotten siblings. We cannot choose our biological family. Lord knows that I would not have chosen my siblings!

The way I resolved issues with my siblings was to eventually cut ties with them. You can at least limit your relationship with your family.

My brothers sponged off of my parents all of their lives and still do. Honestly, I don’t care anymore.

I decided to live life for me and focus on my needs being equal to my mom’s needs.

I was like you. I never took advantage of my parents. I worked hard and was independent. My siblings had a lazy streak in them.

Mom babies my siblings but I think she did me a favor by not babying me. I learned to be independent.

My dad did not baby my brothers but mom undermined him and gave them money behind his back.

I used to be resentful at times but realized that it simply didn’t matter what any of them did.

We can’t control the actions of others. We can control our own actions. Focus your attention on your needs and those of your daughter.

Don’t overextend yourself looking after their needs. You can care without it consuming your entire life.

Best wishes to you.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I think that you last sentence kind of says it all. You are a single Mom with your own place, your own bills, and most importantly a 5 year old. THAT is the child that you owe protection to, a healthy happy environment, and all the love you can give. You cannot do anything about the past. But you can take care of today, keep yourself and your child well and happy, and that is your path to sanity. Let the past stay in the past. Nothing can be done about it. Keep careful boundaries now for the sake of your little one. Take care, stay safe and well.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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