For my entire life, so long as my parents were concerned, nothing I could do was good enough. I expended a lot of energy doing & excelling, looking for approval that never materialized. Now my mother is widowed, mid-90s and lives in a 55+ IL. I am 30 minutes away from her; my bro & his wife live a few blocks. Mom's proud to be "independent." It's a charade, of course. The only things she does for herself are dress/undress, toilet, in/out of bed, and feed herself--when she bothers to eat. She also participates in a couple of group activities at the facility each week. My B & SIL do *literally* everything else for her, bathing, laundry, cleaning, doctor appointments, groceries, and cooking included. I've dithered in guilt since I found out how much they've begun doing. On the other hand, in the past when I've offered to help I've been brushed off. To my relief, actually. But now they want me to start cleaning her apartment regularly. She has fired I don't know how many cleaners because they couldn't please her, so there's no future in suggesting she hire someone. I foresee nothing but grief from her if I take it on. Would it be fair for me to set ground rules? As in, she has to be out of the apartment when I'm cleaning, and the first complaint from her ends the whole arrangement? Personally, I think she belongs in AL. But I stay out of decision-making, as my B is her POA.