I am so disgusted/disappointed in my 86-yr-old mom. Despite what my sisters and I do, she is just too lazy to do anything.

Lazy: unwilling to work or use energy.

I dislike the word lazy. I guess due to my own conditioning that lazy was judged to be the opposite of being a 'good' useful person. 'Unwilling' seems to infer the will to decide.

I may be word picking but I prefer the word *apathy* to describe this behaviour.

Apathy: lack of interest, enthusiam or concern

This lack of concern about their lack of effort. Wanting to stay still & sit. Thing is, if we sit still enough, like a potato, we come to look like one. Rounded with much soft flesh under the skin. Then we start to slowly rot. Get cellulitis, skin ulcers, fungal foot infections. A slow decline.

What's behind the lazy/apathy?

Choice?
Long-standing behaviours..?
Medication side effects?
Mood? Eg depression
Medical issues eg low kidney function, insulin/diabetes issues? UTI?
Brain changes caused by dementia.
Brain changes caused by stroke.

My money would be on the stroke as a big contributing factor.

If Mother's apathy cannot be changed - then you have to decide what YOU will do. When you will get in more help or Mom moves out.

In your reply to Hothouseflower you state that she knows exactly what she is doing in spite of having dementia.

From my own experience with my difficult mother, I had to look at dementia a different way. She knowingly did self-defeating things without being able to process the consequences. Because she wanted what she wanted and would stop at nothing to get her way. Example: She (fully mobile, able to feed and dress herself, etc) became angry and decided she would never move a muscle ever again. Age 96. So she never moved a muscle again for weeks. Fast forward 2+ years, through umpteen medical tests, refusal to cooperate with physical therapists, etc, and she has lost muscle mass and coordination. She’s bedridden.

She did become angry enough again to resume talking.

I asked her why she stopped feeding herself. She said nobody told her she should. So she now feeds herself.

My mother has always loved to play the martyr and the victim. It’s infuriating. What dementia has done is upped her game because she cannot reason. Early to mid-stage was THE WORST!

If she could walk, she’d likely step in front of a bus to get it to stop for her, then cry that it hit her.

To preserve your sanity, take a step back and let her fail. I went out of my mind until my mother got herself in enough trouble that I could refuse to spend another minute caring for her. She’s now in care and I am so much happier.

When they won’t help themselves but complain about their misery is by far the most maddening part of caregiving.

Your mother suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia, according to your profile, yet you're calling her "lazy" and refusing to exert herself when dementia prevents it from happening ?? She's not able to understand what she needs to do to stay healthy vs. being lazy. Give up the fight or get her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care.

Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon is an excellent book to help you understand the limitations a person with dementia is subject to.

Good luck to you.

Just let her do what she wants. Let the chips fall where they may. She is not going to change. Just handle your response to her behavior better.

Maybe you are just venting, and this is the place to do it.

From your profile:

"Have been caring for 85 yr old mom since her stroke in July. She does nothing to improve her situation, won’t exercise, eats very little, basically sits and watches tv all day. Just tired of her not doing things to help herself. I am over there 4 times a day. Need my life back"

You also posted that she has dementia/alz...

Does she have a diagnosis? Maybe your Mom changed pretty suddenly and drastically after her stroke, which can happen. It takes us adult children a while to adjust to the "new/different" Mom... cognitive issues caused by a stroke can take a long time to go away and sometimes they can be permanent.

I have 2 bad knees from sports, so bad that they are in the process of getting replaced. The pain from the knee makes exercizing and walking painful. I did all sorts of pre-surgery therapies, none of which solved the problem permanently (even taking high doses of pain relievers). So, I guess I understand part of the reason why your Mom isn't boucing back.

Also, UTIs in elderly women is extremely common and not necessarily due to hygiene or not drinking enough water -- as we age there are physiological and pH changes that occur that makes emptying the bladder completely more of a challenge. I give my MIL a supplement called d-mannose which has definitely reduced the number of UTIs she gets in a year (she's in LTC facility). As long as your Mom doesn't have diabetes, it is safe to take it. UTIs can create or worsen dementia-like symptoms.

Going to her house 4x a day seems exhausting. Does your Mom have the funds to pay for some in-home help? Is she a candidate for AL? Bless you for putting out such an effort on her behalf, but they way it is now is unsustainable, as you are finding out. Please make your own health and happiness a priority.

Sounds like my MIL. We are waiting for the giant crisis.

I guess this is just a vent?
There's no question here.
Do you feel better, now?