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I've been married to my husband for 8 years and the entire time his parents lived about 15 minutes away. They were always respectful of our privacy and, because of this, we've had a good relationship. However, my MIL needed major knee surgery making it impossible for her to recover in their multi-story home while her leg was immobilized. At the time, my FIL stubbornly refused to downsize to a single level home, so we offered to have MIL stay with us while she recovered hoping that FIL would agree to downsize in the meanwhile. Well, after the knee surgery, they both had a very tough year with multiple hospital stays for falls, UTIs, dehydration, among other things. Both my husband and I were constantly stressed because, between the two of them, there was a trip to the ED at least twice a month for about 8 months. So, we thought it best they both live with us. My FIL agreed to sell their home as well.


Fast forward 2 years later, and their health has completely stabilized. With physical therapy and us managing his insulin pump and meds, my FIL is in much better shape. My MIL has completely recovered and is even able to climb a few steps independently. Since they've been better, my FIL has expressed guilt about living with us because he realizes that while they need assistance with some things, they're still able to function independently. He's proposed moving to an apartment nearby multiple times but here's the thing -- my mother-in-law shoots this idea down every time he brings it up. Her reason is that she can't keep house anymore, but I call bulls***. Even before they moved in with us, my husband provided a cleaning service for them. After they moved in with us, we're providing a housecleaning and laundry service just for them that we would still do if they lived in an apartment nearby.


After 2 years, this is what I've observed — they essentially don't have a marriage. My FIL has no interest in spending time with her and my MIL treats him like a toddler. They bicker every day and are pretty much living separate lives each on their own schedule. SO, I think my MIL selfishly decided to live with us permanently because she no longer wants to live alone with my FIL.


They take up 2 separate bedrooms upstairs. One comes down to eat anywhere between 8 am - 2pm (seriously), while the other routinely comes down between 2 pm - 3pm for "breakfast." Then, my MIL is a constant 3rd wheel every night for dinner because my FIL eats on his own time, usually anywhere between 10 pm and midnight. Their unstructured sleep habits disrupt our sleep because of the noise they make, their inconsistent breakfast times drive me up the wall. Plus, my MIL is now starting to ignore me when I specifically ask her not to do certain things like the dishes. Also, I've just started to like her less the better I get to know her.


I see both of them living for another 10-15 years and certainly did not sign up for a dysfunctional married couple as housemates particularly when I just don't like one of them. I work from home, so there is no escape and the resentment is building. My husband is not agreeing to the alternatives I've presented (moving them to an apartment nearby, moving to a house with an in-law suite, moving them to assisted living). It is affecting our marriage; for example, we are used to connecting over dinner and now my MIL is always there. My husband doesn't seem to understand why I can't talk about my day as usual if she's there. For me, my day is what I want to share with him, not my MIL. Date night once a week or so hasn't made the situation feel any better.


I haven't mentioned the caregiving work involved with 2 people (which is also a lot) because this work — the work they actually need help with — is something I don't mind doing. It's just the social adjustment of living with an old, dysfuctional couple.


How do I adapt to this situation which could be the new normal for the next decade or more?

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Your husband needs to tell mom and dad that he is setting up tours at 2 or 3 local Assisted Living facilities in the area and they can chose from those.
Your husband needs to tell them that this in nonnegotiable and that it is time that they move out.
You could also STOP doing ANYTHING that they need help with. If mom needs help in the bathroom, he helps, if she needs help in the shower, he helps. If dad needs help, your husband steps in.
If all else fails...and I am not one to give ultimatums but if you have suggested an apartment near by maybe YOU can move into the apartment. Then your husband can deal 100% with his parents.

Honestly if your husband is resistant to all the suggestions you have made and MIL is also resistant this is more of a husband/marriage problem than a caregiving problem.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Take a 7-14 days cruise and let your husband deal with them all the time. Tell him the night before your plane ride.

Holland America is great for solo cruises and you will be waited on hand and foot.
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You hit the nail on the head when you said "...a huge part of the problem is that I'm home and therefore aware of their odd hours/bickering and I'm also available for non-emergent questions/help. I do think one solution is to find a space outside of my home office to work..."
This is a great idea - do it!

I recommend you be much less available in all aspects of their care, including ALL of the things you say you don't mind doing. No one else seems to mind or care that you do all these things. It's time for everyone else to share the load.

A valuable lesson I learned on this forum is: "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
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SteelCityPop Apr 24, 2025
Wow, that's such a good way to put it. They do seem to appreciate my efforts, but no one has offered any alternatives because I am the solution. Just over the past few months, it was me looking for solutions for myself. For example, researching transportation options for the elderly available in our area and uploading Uber to FIL's phone and showing him how to use it, etc.
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You've written twice that you agreed that when one parent passes away, the other can move in. Don't make promises like that. No one should. No one has any way of knowing what their situations will be, either the adult children or the elderly parent(s) nor any children/grandchildren, who might be negatively impacted. This board is full of posts from people who thought that was the right thing to do and now regret it.
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Reply to MG8522
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You commented “Fortunately, they will be spending the summer and fall with their other son, so no ultimatums necessary just yet... But once they return here to home base, the situation has got to be different.”

This is a golden opportunity to set everything up so they do NOT return to your home in six months. Box up the things they don’t take to their other son’s house and fill their room with workout equipment or something, anything, and start figuring out where they should live when they return NOW.

Tour all the assisted livings and senior communities you can find. Put their names on wait lists of places you think are nice. I can’t fathom why you would let them move back in if your goal is to get them out on their own.
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SteelCityPop Apr 23, 2025
Agreed. This is definitely a golden opportunity to make the necessary changes so the situation is not the same in 6 months. I do need to work with my husband who says he feels guilty about "kicking them out." He is not on board with moving them to independent or assisted living, even though I've agreed that when one of them passes, the other can move back in. It's really having both of them around that is not working for me. We shall see, need to keep chipping away at it.
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If your husband refuses to see your concerns and help find a way for his parents to move elsewhere (believe me another house together, no matter how it’s set up, will not help) this has become far more a marriage issue than an in law issue. You’ve been generous with your home and time, he cannot say you haven’t, but the arrangement isn’t working anymore. Whatever the in laws relationship is or isn’t is inconsequential, they chose to stayed married, their unhealthy dynamic will continue anywhere. Time for marriage counseling if hubby cannot understand your need for a peaceful home. A solo vacation for you is also worth considering
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SteelCityPop Apr 22, 2025
"Peaceful home" is exactly what I worked so hard to create and having them around has definitely disturbed the peace. Hubby gets that, just doesn't feel it as much as I do cause he doesn't work from home. A solo getaway sounds amazing..
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Time to set the boundary, give them 60 days notice to move out, find an apartment in a senior facility.

Your husband needs to understand that you are through babysitting his parents and that they need to move somewhere else. If he says no then you have a decision to make. Me, I would move out.

Time to get this settled, yes, my mother just died at age 100, so one or both of them can live a very long time.
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SteelCityPop Apr 22, 2025
Fortunately, they will be spending the summer and fall with their other son, so no ultimatums necessary just yet... But once they return here to home base, the situation has got to be different. Otherwise, I might reach that point of me or them!
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You don't have to compromise or adapt to this situation. MIL moved in due to a medical need. That need has been resolved. FIL is in better shape too. This was never supposed to be a permanent situation. Next date night lay it all out for hubby. You do not want to spend the next 5, 10, 15 years living like this. You don't want to spend the next 5, 10, 15 months living like this. What does he propose you do about it?
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SteelCityPop Apr 22, 2025
Yes, I definitely need to hear his thoughts on a proposed solution. Early in our marriage, we'd both agreed we'd take our parents in when the time came. We're not on the same page right now as to whether that time has come. He thinks Yes, I think No.
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Hi there.
You ask "How do I adapt..?"

Is that REALLY the question you want to ask?

Have other questions crossed your mind? Do I want to live in a multi-aged share house? Will it become running an aged care home? Is it already??

Or maybe.. How to do I get this couple to move out?

Or.. Will my marriage survive this? What does my Husband say? What does he WANT?

What do YOU want?
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SteelCityPop Apr 23, 2025
Are you a therapist? :) Because I have asked myself every single question on this list and you are spot on. To answer your question, I want them to move out while they're still independent and married. Other than the fact that they can still perform their ADL's independently, yes it does feel like an aged care home. My husband wishes I was happy with the situation so that he doesn't have to deal with my bad moods and complaints. Having them here hasn't been easy on him, either, but they're his parents so he loves them and he is definitely more adaptable in difficult situations. However, he wants to talk about alternatives and ways to change things so they do work, we'll see.
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I agree with MG below to get your FIL an apartment.

Schedule yourself for a 2 or 3 week vacation. Take off and rest.

Start doing your remote work at Starbucks or at the library. Tell your husband there is too much commotion at the house. Drive away and go to your remote work.
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MG8522 Apr 23, 2025
That’s a good point to make — that his parents’ presence disrupts her work, so it can’t be done at home. Because it’s true.
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