I've been married to my husband for 8 years and the entire time his parents lived about 15 minutes away. They were always respectful of our privacy and, because of this, we've had a good relationship. However, my MIL needed major knee surgery making it impossible for her to recover in their multi-story home while her leg was immobilized. At the time, my FIL stubbornly refused to downsize to a single level home, so we offered to have MIL stay with us while she recovered hoping that FIL would agree to downsize in the meanwhile. Well, after the knee surgery, they both had a very tough year with multiple hospital stays for falls, UTIs, dehydration, among other things. Both my husband and I were constantly stressed because, between the two of them, there was a trip to the ED at least twice a month for about 8 months. So, we thought it best they both live with us. My FIL agreed to sell their home as well.
Fast forward 2 years later, and their health has completely stabilized. With physical therapy and us managing his insulin pump and meds, my FIL is in much better shape. My MIL has completely recovered and is even able to climb a few steps independently. Since they've been better, my FIL has expressed guilt about living with us because he realizes that while they need assistance with some things, they're still able to function independently. He's proposed moving to an apartment nearby multiple times but here's the thing -- my mother-in-law shoots this idea down every time he brings it up. Her reason is that she can't keep house anymore, but I call bulls***. Even before they moved in with us, my husband provided a cleaning service for them. After they moved in with us, we're providing a housecleaning and laundry service just for them that we would still do if they lived in an apartment nearby.
After 2 years, this is what I've observed — they essentially don't have a marriage. My FIL has no interest in spending time with her and my MIL treats him like a toddler. They bicker every day and are pretty much living separate lives each on their own schedule. SO, I think my MIL selfishly decided to live with us permanently because she no longer wants to live alone with my FIL.
They take up 2 separate bedrooms upstairs. One comes down to eat anywhere between 8 am - 2pm (seriously), while the other routinely comes down between 2 pm - 3pm for "breakfast." Then, my MIL is a constant 3rd wheel every night for dinner because my FIL eats on his own time, usually anywhere between 10 pm and midnight. Their unstructured sleep habits disrupt our sleep because of the noise they make, their inconsistent breakfast times drive me up the wall. Plus, my MIL is now starting to ignore me when I specifically ask her not to do certain things like the dishes. Also, I've just started to like her less the better I get to know her.
I see both of them living for another 10-15 years and certainly did not sign up for a dysfunctional married couple as housemates particularly when I just don't like one of them. I work from home, so there is no escape and the resentment is building. My husband is not agreeing to the alternatives I've presented (moving them to an apartment nearby, moving to a house with an in-law suite, moving them to assisted living). It is affecting our marriage; for example, we are used to connecting over dinner and now my MIL is always there. My husband doesn't seem to understand why I can't talk about my day as usual if she's there. For me, my day is what I want to share with him, not my MIL. Date night once a week or so hasn't made the situation feel any better.
I haven't mentioned the caregiving work involved with 2 people (which is also a lot) because this work — the work they actually need help with — is something I don't mind doing. It's just the social adjustment of living with an old, dysfuctional couple.
How do I adapt to this situation which could be the new normal for the next decade or more?
Your husband needs to understand that you are through babysitting his parents and that they need to move somewhere else. If he says no then you have a decision to make. Me, I would move out.
Time to get this settled, yes, my mother just died at age 100, so one or both of them can live a very long time.
If they can afford it, I would have them check out independent living. They get their apt. Breakfast, lunch and dinner can be taken in the dining room or make it themselves. Cleaning maybe included and maybe laundry. If they charge for the services, probably won't be that much. If you are worried about Dad taking his meds correctly, they then would need Assisted Living. Both have activities, outtings and socialization.
Whatever happens, good luck and keep us posted.
Your husband needs to tell them that this in nonnegotiable and that it is time that they move out.
You could also STOP doing ANYTHING that they need help with. If mom needs help in the bathroom, he helps, if she needs help in the shower, he helps. If dad needs help, your husband steps in.
If all else fails...and I am not one to give ultimatums but if you have suggested an apartment near by maybe YOU can move into the apartment. Then your husband can deal 100% with his parents.
Honestly if your husband is resistant to all the suggestions you have made and MIL is also resistant this is more of a husband/marriage problem than a caregiving problem.
You ask "How do I adapt..?"
Is that REALLY the question you want to ask?
Have other questions crossed your mind? Do I want to live in a multi-aged share house? Will it become running an aged care home? Is it already??
Or maybe.. How to do I get this couple to move out?
Or.. Will my marriage survive this? What does my Husband say? What does he WANT?
What do YOU want?
Schedule yourself for a 2 or 3 week vacation. Take off and rest.
Start doing your remote work at Starbucks or at the library. Tell your husband there is too much commotion at the house. Drive away and go to your remote work.
You don't have to take them on any tours. Research places by asking for recommendations on Nextdoor.com. If neither of them will go tour them with you, go by yourself and take video of the places (don't rely on their glossy brochures and websites, everyone needs to see the reality). Bring home the packets with room layouts and prices. Maybe narrow it down to 2 choices. Come up with a move-out date. Just keep moving it along as if they've all agreed to it, including your husband. Act like in your mind their moving out is a done deal and only the signatures remain. If they say they don't like either, you just say you did a lot of research and these are the 2 top options: which one do you pick because the move-out date is fast approaching. Yes, they will feel bulldozed but so what? They did a slow bulldoze into your life. They will get over being made to move out.
It's your house, your life, your spouse. You don't have to give them any reason for them to move out other than "I don't want roommates anymore." If you give them reasons then they will try to negotiate how they can stay. Your husband needs to prioritize you. And if he doesn't then you show him how to do it. Do everything with a positive attitude and a smile. It will throw them all off. You'll get your life back, if you want it.
So basically it seems to me it is YOU who should do the moving nearby now, be there when you wish to and not when you do not. You have criticized the MIL/FIL marriage, but your own marriage is not especially strong right now either.
For myself, I would be informing hubby I don't wish to live decades more in a situation with a downward trajectory, that isn't working for you. I would tell him that I am unhappy and am seeing an attorney to file for a legal separation. That I will attempt to find a place nearby, and will hope to remain good solid friends and help out occasionally, but that this isn't how you wish to spend the rest of your life.
But that's me. You are a grownup and will have to make your own choices for your own life.
Out of curiosity, what sort of shared living expenses plan is legally in place now with your inlaws? Certainly I hope that there is one.
You need your home back. This is hard on your marriage.
This is a golden opportunity to set everything up so they do NOT return to your home in six months. Box up the things they don’t take to their other son’s house and fill their room with workout equipment or something, anything, and start figuring out where they should live when they return NOW.
Tour all the assisted livings and senior communities you can find. Put their names on wait lists of places you think are nice. I can’t fathom why you would let them move back in if your goal is to get them out on their own.
Holland America is great for solo cruises and you will be waited on hand and foot.
Again, just me but I definitely would not have offered/ agreed to have them both move in and sell their house. When they started having monthly ER visits I would have told hubby that it’s time for AL. But you clearly have or had a much higher tolerance than I do. But it seems like you have now hit your limit. Which is going to be hard for hubby to understand since you were accommodating up to this point. Especially when you wrote you already agreed that when one passes, the other can move back in. (!!)
Good luck figuring it all out.
And yet YOU think you are the one who has to adapt.
It is their old age, their illnesses, their problems, and their dysfunction - and you still think you're the one who has to adapt. Wait a minute while I ask WHY they aren't responsible to adapt to what YOU and maybe husband want? WHY?
Please mull this over for a while, and get back to us with some kind of rationale. I'd really like to understand why it's okay for you and H to be inconvenienced while these overentitled inlaws opine, disrupt, take up space in your formerly peaceful home, and expect to keep on doing it.
Maybe you could sign FIL up with a seniors dating service so he can find a sweetie pie to move in with, and then mom - um, well, moves in with mumble mumble mumble someone else who will put up with her. (If, in the whole wide world, there is someone dumb enough to let her.)
I'm curious... where are your parents? Are they still alive? If so, are they aging too? What about their care? Do they expect to live with you or another sibling? Are you expecting to take care of them?
This is a great idea - do it!
I recommend you be much less available in all aspects of their care, including ALL of the things you say you don't mind doing. No one else seems to mind or care that you do all these things. It's time for everyone else to share the load.
A valuable lesson I learned on this forum is: "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
Options then change to you either need to go out to work for your sanity or they move out or establish boundaries and give you me time.
I can understand your husband looking after his mother and you have supported that but he needs to support you and realise the strain this is putting on your health. Sometimes people dont actually realise the pressures of working from home and the need for personal space. Maybe you can work out a schedule where you can get some undisturbed time for yourself and time with your hubby.
MIL wont change - life is too good - you need to at least establish boundaries and if she doesnt like them then maybe your husband needs to speak to her - his mother - he may take offence if you do. I'd say counselling but somehow i dont think your hubby will agree that as he hasnt agreed your alternatives. You are not his slave.. You need respect as well as mil. Good luck
It sounds like you've resolved to 'adapt to this situation which could be the new normal for the next decade ... or more." Why? This, to me, is where you need to do some very deep soul searching / processing - I'd strongly suggest that you get into therapy to figure out what is running you; why you are allowing others to push your buttons (feel powerless) find your inner strength to assert yourself / your needs. I don't know if (I were you) if I'd ask hubby to go to therapy with me; I think I would start off on my own for at least a few sessions and then invite him in to participate, if it feels right to you.
What I do not understand is why you appear to 'automatically' think or feel this is situation is a given and won't change. It isn't necessarily the new normal. YOU have a major say in what the new normal is / could be, ie like having privacy and a re-newed relationship with your husband - in the privacy of your own home. You indicated that this situation is / has affected your marriage. This could be / should be a 'red flag' to you, if you want your marriage to survive and/or be more than it currently is. Consider the quality of a spousal relationship you want / perhaps had and no longer have.
It sounds like you have bent over backwards to accommodate them.
Yes, they have had a very cushy, comfortable life-style - at your expense.
Ask yourself: Is this what you want moving forward? If yes, why? if no, why?
Oh ... how I wish I had someone paying for me to have a housekeeper.
I sense the situation is MORE than "It's just the social adjustment of living with an old, dysfunctional couple.' MUCH MORE. Consider how much you value yourself as a whole person. How is your self-esteem? self-care? self-love? Perhaps not easy questions to ask although to feel empowered to believe you deserve to have a home as you want, you must feel worthy / that you deserve it. If you do not feel good about yourself, you will cave, perhaps make excuses "it isn't so bad... I don't mind doing ... Do realize that this 'dysfunctional couple' will become MORE dysfunctional as time passes.
It might feel hunky dory now ... but it won't be like that moving forward. The more you allow this intrusion into your marriage, I would imagine that the quality / closeness / intimacy of your marriage will lessen ... perhaps gradually, perhaps quicker. You have to look at the longer picture and feel you deserve the quality of a life-relationship(s) that you want.
See if you can 'get your husband on board' to understand / agree with your ideas / needs to present a united front. Perhaps you don't need therapy (I always / usually feel it is a good idea to have a neutral person to talk to - to gain a new prospective on yourself and the situation.
It is a major plus that you wrote us here. Let us know how you are doing and how you proceed, and when. It surely sounds to me like its beyond time for the ILs to move into assisted living, and for you to focus on your own happiness / quality of life, with your husband. I sense you and he could get to know each other on an entirely new, exciting level ... wherever they go, get caregivers in as needed. Your life focus 'should be' / could be primarily on you and your husband. This doesn't mean ignoring the IFs ... it means finding a workable balance for you - and your marriage.
Gena / Touch Matters
You need your privacy and your In-Laws need to function as independently as they can manage. They may require house cleaning, as well as someone to help with personal cares.
Buying a new home together with an in-law suite may work out, if they respect your personal boundaries, however, now that they have become accustomed to interacting with you in your daily life, your MIL especially will probably continue to invade your privacy.
Tell your husband this can't go on any longer, and something needs to change. Let him know that living on top of one another has strained your marriage to a point where you don't like his parents like you used to.
Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder.
Unfortunately, unless you put up a united front, the in-laws will divide and conquer.
Maybe telling him you are considering moving to the apartment nearby if his parents don't will help him see the light.
As to the money for options away from you, where does it come from?
A note left on the kitchen table, and about 5 days at a motel with a nice heated pool can be an answer, but to one's own sanity, and as a message that "This is what life looks like without me".
Also, I think you've lost sight of the fact that it's YOUR house and the in-laws are guests enjoying your hospitality. So the odd meal times and disturbing the peace of the house all night long with their odd habits and hours ends TODAY. Put your damn foot down. If dinner is at 6pm, that is when dinner is. If they miss it, they don't get dinner unless they order out. There's not going to be anymore cooking breakfast at 2pm or midnight suppers. Enough is enough.
Starting today, BOTH of them will be pitching in with housekeeping like washing the dishes. If they're leaving dirty dishes in the sink, put them on their beds. Also, you and your hubs go out to eat a couple nights a week to share a meal without MIL. Or get take out and eat in your bedroom or outside. Let MIL know today, she will not be sharing every dinner with the two of you anymore. Now mind you, this is only temporary. They are both still moving out.
Tell your MIL in plain language that she's not living in your house anymore. If she doesn't want to be alone, she can move with her husband. She can move to an independent senior living apartment. She can move to assisted living. There are options other than staying in your house.
Please tell your MIL and your FIL to grow the hell up. They are adults not children. If they cant stand each other, they should get divorced. It's not up to you and your husband to be their marriage councelors or to make sure they're happy. That's their business. You and your husband are not going to become your MIL's surrogate spouses and her social life because she doesn't want to live alone.
PS/ FORGET building an 'in-law' suite to your home. That is madness. Don't do it! I have one. Currently my son lives there as we wanted while he's in school. He's got a girlfriend and there's talk of her moving in too which I'm not having. My mother and in-laws are circling like vultures because everyone wants to move in. NO ONE is though. Still, when there's an 'in-law' suite or apartment at a house, there will always be some senior who is waiting for it. Not even always family either. Your friends will come asking around for their aging parents and in-laws too. Don't do it.
Things happen in life, and you did more than good, but now if you go along with this insidious home-and-happiness-corrupting situation YOU are contributing to your future norm, and so cannot complain. There's hope, but if you let one more month pass, you won't get out of this quicksand. They’ll be another crisis and you might as well secure an aircraft carrier’s anchor around your ankles
Imagine you're living in a house where due to emotions everyone but you is blind and not thinking clearly. And under this roof you are the only one fairly healthy but starting to starve and die. You are the only hope for yourself and possibly everybody else. And even then YOU are the first and of utmost importance.
You have power. Make a plan. Possibly find a lawyer just to know your options.
Providing you want to stay there, (think hard about that one), detach a bit, and in a kindly manner, in an effort to help yourself, take deep gentle breaths and quietly observe your households dynamics.
You can recall what sanity, peace, love, and a marriage you were so looking forward to was like? That's the target to get back to, or else you and your husband of 8 yrs will become like your in-laws, guaranteed. Angry and apart. It takes constant nurturing on both your part.
What to do if you decide to stay?
When we need to, life has taught us to calm our faces (it’s actually good for your health), Mona Lisa smile, soften your eyes, and act peacefully, as best you can, consistently, for a while (best close to always actually, again good for your mental state). Very subtly nicely be a little sexy just for your husband and flirty fun not to the point of being some weird new stranger. Pretty up. Keep that up. Have a picnic just with your husband, or go with him alone to a park for ice cream, or a slice of pizza. Talk about anything but his folks. Remind him how pleasant life with you is like. After a while gently say to him - I can't imagine what your life would be like dealing with your parents alone? I think of that sometimes.
If he asks you if that’s what you’re planning, say lovingly you’re just concerned if something should happen to you health-wise.
Back at the ranch, I don’t care how well you are juggling this circus, post on a black/white board in the kitchen House Rules, Please. 1) Everyone eats at the same time/same table, then bullet the meal times. Need I say more. Take a picture of it because someone may elevate their level of inconsideration. This way you’ll be able to rewrite and above all Follow Through.
You must keep in mind this is your sacred marital sanctuary not a college dorm.
Make it so comfortable to you that you can either live this life FOREVER, or they will realize they want to have the freedom that can only be enjoyed by living elsewhere.
Work on finding an Independent, Assisted Living place for you in-laws. Get information from a lawyer for yourself. You may be the only adult and hope in your home.
YOU HAVE OPTIONS.
The big problem is their son. You both made a promise that you can't keep, taking them in. Now you have to admit that, and your husband does too. He might not mind their behavior because he may have gown up with this! In any case, it is time for him to help Mommy and Daddy move out. They can't stay. He is using you as his buffer and his proxy to care for them.
This is a bad situation that can only get worse. You both made a mistake two years ago by taking them without clear boundaries and an end date for them to make their own arrangements long term. Change that now. Give them a move-out date. Be nice about it. If hubby disagrees with you, that might have to be your move-out date.