My mom is 76 years old. Admittedly, she hasn’t had the easiest life, and is the most negative person you have ever met. She has been through both uterine and rectal cancers and she has a colostomy. In 2020, my dad passed away from lung cancer. My mom and dad had been married for 52 years.
About 6 months after my dad’s passing, I went to visit my mom at her house which was 2 hours away from mine. She wasn’t taking care of herself - wasn’t eating, sleeping, had high anxiety/depression, etc. Her area didn’t have very good medical facilities, so I took her to my house where the facilities are excellent, never dreaming it would be on a permanent basis, but it ended up being that way.
About a year ago, she had a stroke and began exhibiting signs of extreme anxiety and now beginning dementia.
Now, 5 years after coming to live with me and my husband, I cannot be out of her sight. She is glued to my side at all times. She is jealous of my 14 year old. (To my face she thinks the world of her; behind my back, she cannot stand her.) She also makes snarky comments about my husband under her breath. When speaking to her ONE friend on the phone, she thinks we are crazy and raising our daughter the wrong way (even though we have already raised 3 successful adult children.) Everything is always depicted in a negative light.
We were planning to go out of town tomorrow for FOUR DAYS - not a month or even a week - FOUR DAYS. Against my better judgment, I mistakenly gave her the option of staying at my house and having my neighbor, my sister, and my adult son coming to check on her. She assured me she would be fine for 4 days.
Tonight, the day before we are set to leave, she came into my bedroom and woke me up, and she was in a severe panic. She told me she is afraid that I will die while I am gone and she will be alone. She said she felt nauseous, and her BP and pulse were elevated. She said that if she gets sick while we are gone, she doesn’t know where to go because she will have no transportation. (She thankfully doesn’t drive.) This is after discussing plans for a week and her assuring me she would be fine for 4 days with caregivers (family members) in and out of the house and by phone.
This is just one of the MANY things that she has done to manipulate me into giving her, her way, or changing my longstanding plans for her.
We had to have our floors in our home redone last summer due to a flood, and she stayed with my sister. She said it was awful and that she didn’t get any sleep. She whined about it so much that I decided to give her the option to stay at my house this time.
Her back and forth manipulation of me is really taking its toll on me and my marriage is starting to suffer. I can’t discuss any of this with my husband because it makes him explode. He told me that he is to the point where he hates her. He is sick of seeing her yank my chain in her mostly successful efforts to control me. She and my husband seldom speak even though we are all in the same house, so it makes for an awkward lifestyle. My 14 year old hates her and avoids her, and says she misses our life we had before she moved in with us.
I dont know what to do or where to turn. Neither I nor my mom has the money for an expensive assisted living facility, but she needs to be out of my home and somewhere where she can have 24/7 assistance, as I see this just going downhill from here. The negativity is taking its toll on me and I just can’t do this anymore if I want my 36 year marriage to continue on. I am tired, and burnt out, but mostly sad. Our marriage was strong before, and it can be again if we can get some respite from this situation. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am at the end of my rope.
This needs to stop now. Mom needs to reside someplace else. She may not like it, but she has only herself to blame. Why is her happiness more important than yours? Or your family's?
Her living there is not fair to your family. Your daughter is at the age of dances, proms and not too long away graduation. She deserves a Mom whose energy is not going towards a grandmom who wants your divided attention.
My Mom lived in an AL for a short time. She had 20k left. I used tgat to place her in a LTC facility. It covered two months which gave me time to apply for and receive Medicaid for her. She paid May and June, and was paid down by June, Medicaid took effect July 1st.
After you get back from the trip sit down with you, your husband and your sister (if need be.) Give her 3 or 4 weeks notice. Start touring facilities with or without her. Make sure when you talk with her you have your husband with you as a united front.
You need to prioritize your husband and your minor child.
You have told us what should be done with acknowledging mom needs now 24/7 care.
Her SS and whatever assets she has will go into the nursing home fund automatically and if she requires Medicaid you will help her to apply for it. Your OWN funds are for your OWN old age. It takes a lifetime of saving to have them.
What you are avoiding here is what you always avoided--the courage to be honest with her. Until you muster that up this will go on exactly as it has, with the certain and ever more quick downward trajectory. It is time for you and hubby to sit down and to talk together, then to face your mother together and tell her that she needs now to go into care so that you two can resume the life you deserve to have.
It is of interest that you do not even seem to have taken care to get shared living costs and etc. but have simply assumed the mantle of slaves and mustered on through all of this day after day. You have become so used to this that it is just accepted as the way it "must be". But deep down you know the reality. You did not stand up for yourself. You did not understand what taking her in would mean--didn't consider and look at it and plan it and come to understanding as to shared living contract, and the time frames in which you would reassess whether or not it is working for all.
She will not be happy with the truth. Old age isn't about happiness. At 82 I assure you of that. It is about everyone being responsible for his or her own life and mustering through the best he/she can. You are not responsible for her happiness but you ARE responsible for your OWN. As you already have PROVEN, throwing yourself bodily on her burning funeral pyre has brought happiness and satisfaction to NO ONE.
Best of luck. Seek help of counseling if it's required. I wish you well.
You've got to put your husband and daughter first.