How to stop resenting do-nothing siblings?

You stop being a martyr. You realize you have choices...that slavery ended over a hundred years ago...that you're doing what you're doing because you WANT to.

If your mom lives with you, she's getting a Social Security check that can pay for twice-weekly respite care for you, easily. If you're living with mom and her SS is paying the bills, you can pay for respite care yourself with what you're saving in rent, food, etc, etc.

Yeah, I know I'm being rough. But sometimes we need a whack on the side of the head.

I think that 90 percent of the people who find some support and strength from reading and participating in this forum have asked the very same question.

Really, I think the "FREE" siblings do not realize how lucky they have it. Personally I think I have caught a couple of mine off guard when they say something like...your kids got to know their grandparents....and I reply by saying...."Well you have had complete freedom for the last 25 years".

The only advice I can give you, and it may fall outside of your comfort zone, is to communicate how you feel. If they don't listen, say it again, and face to face. I look at it this way. In many ways we are already the "bad guy" because we are now parenting our parent. Making a few siblings squirm only adds one more layer of "bad guy"! Sometimes we follow our parents example and lose our "filter"! You might start with asking for help and evolve into telling if necessary. This is not easy!

Getting rid of anger? Don't know....but try to find something for yourself, a walk to the park, a trip to the library, something that is a treat to yourself. Just because we are held captive in caregiving, we do not need to decline with them.

golflady, are you able to leave your mother alone for a while during the day while you do some work or go out? How old is she and what is wrong that she needs your care?

My brothers don't help with my mother, but I don't usually resent them. It was just the way things worked out in our lives. Mostly, I think, because I am the only daughter who had the misfortune of getting divorced. :( Not my brothers' fault.

Do not want to be the martyr. BELIEVE me. My mother is on a waiting list for an apartment back home in Michigan where she has children and grand children and great grandkids and a sister and friends, but it could still be a year until she gets that call. Me and my Hubby had to move to Texas from Michigan for his job 8 years ago, so were here alone. When My dad died a year and a half ago my mother came to Texas to live with us. I told her months ago this wasn't working out and her moving all the way to Texas was the wrong thing for her to do. She was SUPPOSED to visit my other siblings throughout the year ( 4 others ) so I could have respite, but that dosent happen. 1 sister could only handle her for a week ( not even ) then she sent her to finish her visit at my nieces house. another one only calls 1 time a year so I didn't expect much from her any how and the only other one who has done anything and still the ONLY one to offer lives in Tennesee, and well,my mother, who was an alcoholic and made bad decisions her whole life and was left penny less has made up her mind shes too good to go visit them again. So meanwhile were stuck in Texas 1300 miles away from anybody who might give a crap. And now we cant go visit our kids or my husbands family ( who live in different states ) because we cant leave my mother alone in Texas ( there is NO ONE here besides us, she knows no one here ). We did that in April to go watch our daughter run in The Boston marathon and while we were gone for just a weekend she fell and broke her arm and then it was 8 weeks of pure misery. So we wont risk leaving her alone here in Texas again. So now my life consists of ( in between drs visits and picking up and hearing about her medications. After 74 years shes discovered that she likes attention she gets from the drs ) waiting for the day that phone call comes and listening to my mother upstairs rocking her life away. The resentment comes in because some of these people could care less and would prefer she stays here in Texas, where they don't have to do a darn thing for her. They want to butt in and try and make decisions for something that has no bearing on them what so ever, Some like to egg her on in the health issues others just like the 1 phone call a year option. Just needed to vent again today. Some days I just swear Im going to EXPLODE when I hear her upstairs Rocking away. At least I know in a year from now this nightmare WILL be over , unless her or me (( STRESS )) die first !!

Mincemeat in the last couple of months I have lost my filter too. THANK GOD !!! lol I have just totally cut off communication with the worst one which has helped in the day to day but the resentment is there for life. If it wasn't for this website I would never have had the guts to tell my mother that she has to move back to Michigan. I don't think most people realize that something like THIS changes a person for life. I will never be the same, how can you be when you LOSE years of your life and get NOTHING but misery in return.

Lordy. A suggestion. She is getting a SS check, do call a few nursing homes and find out what their daily rate is for respite care. I'm betting it's affordable if you are willing to spend her money that way. Seven days' respite might be $1500.

Look into local a Senior Daycare. We paid $60 for 7:30 am to 6 pm. And paid $60 for a cab to take her both ways, door to door in her wheelchair. Included a hot lunch. That was a Godsend. About $500 a month.

Call your local Council on Aging. Mom got a $700 annual stipend for respite. Your mom may be entitled to much more. There are programs on the local or county level that can help.

Throw away her rocking chair. ;)

Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Are the siblings' attitudes and behaviors going to change? Unlikely.

2. What do you do in other situations that are unchangeable? Find alternate solutions, or accept that the situation won't change. Are there any other options? Some kind of compromise with the siblings? It doesn't seem so in your case.

3. What alternate solutions can you find (read Maggie's last answer)?

4. Mincemeat's right in that a high percentage of posts here are similar to yours. Some are too deeply enmeshed to see alternate solutions and are literally floundering, others may be able to see there are help options, such as Maggie or as GolfLady sharing in stating that she severed communications.

I'm not pleased with my situation either but focusing on it and becoming angrier only makes me more upset and resentful. I try to focus on the fact that I'm sharing the last years of life with my parent, years and closeness that my sibling will never experience.

If I can rise above that level, I can remember that I'm also helping him through probably the most difficult time of his life, and if necessary will have to make the necessary decisions when that life is nearly over to prevent any further suffering. That may be the best thing I could do for him. And as it stands now, only I will be in a position to provide that assistance. That's something my sibling will never experience.

In the meantime, I would still document contact with siblings because after it's all over, they may come out of the woodwork with their hands out and pocketbooks open for the largesse they may expect.

Okay, get some WD 40 and spray that chair - and if that does not do the trick - get her a new one (you may have to sabotage the old one if she is attached to it) once you have that problem fixed take some time to think things through to make things easier for you - some good respite suggestions from the other caregivers who have responded - no one else is going to do it - you must.
As for your anger toward your siblings - you must let it go - if you are unable to get them to help you - not going to happen - the anger will consume you - as you said they are going on their merry little lives -- do not do that to yourself.
To get past my anger towards my non-helping stepchildren in caring for their Dad,
I pretty much got them out of my life (will email them if situation with him warrants but otherwise have stopped all other communication with them) and I took a three step stance,

1. When I start to get angry, I assure myself, I am the better person and move on -read a book, play a computer game, call a friend whatever you need to do to move on.
2. Forgive your siblings - they are what they are - accept that - know that non help is what you can expect from them and don't expect more - if you are going to continue to deal with them - let them know in a normal way how you feel - holding it in is not good for you and fuming over them while your Mom is squeaking away will eventually eat you up.
3. Include them in a prayer once a day - this has helped me more than anything, I ask God to forgive them and watch over them. Of course this is after I ask him for the strength I need to continue on.

Know that you are not alone, many many caregivers are in your same situation, you must take control and make it bearable for you - caregiving does not mean that you give up your life, health or happiness --- I will add you to my prayers as well and hope that things get better.

Back to the Serenity prayer again
Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

I know that sounds trite but if you can refocus and consider how to manage your Mum in Texas I am sure it would become easier for her and for you. Clearly she is not easy to manage alcoholics are always alcoholics and your Mum sounds like she is quite high maintenance/narcissistic so it's not going to be easy in the short term but not doing anything will not change anything - firs to all either get her a new rocker or address that bloody squeak cos that would drive a saint nuts.

Then look into what care you can afford for her. Don't fret about your siblings - tell them the truth - I am cutting off contact because ......

Then work out a plan FOR YOU what do you need? What do you want?

Needs and wants are significantly different. NEEDS ARE MUST HAVES they are not negotiable and you need time off for good behaviour without a doubt - respite is not a want it is an absolute necessity if you are to remain sane.

I don't have solutions but I have processes to go through - and remember if you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same result - good luck xxxxx

So when she goes to visit the other relatives, does she fly or drive. Does someone accompany her? Who pays for the ticket or fuel and hotels.

If she is footing these expenses, then she has money to pay for a little respite. Hire someone to stay with her from a home health agency for a few days and go somewhere. Use daycare facilities if they are available in your area. Perhaps she could do some volunteering and get out of the house some. Maybe a part-time job?

p.s. A lot of times when siblings are involved in the caretaking, we aren't happy with what they have to say or do.

This is really good article. Resentment is one of the many emotions one experiences as they take care of a parent with dementia. Day to day you don't know what to expect. I have a brother who would not help right now, he might bring more harm that good right now. I have been with my mom for 2 months which is not long but long enough to know that I need a support team. I desire to move to a different state where most of our family live. It takes a village to care for anyone with a long term illness.

It is a very frustrating situation, and I understand how you feel. It's unfortunate that some sibling(s) are never around, and then when it is time to collect the inheritance, they falsely represent themselves are caring adult children, and come back into the picture. I hope you are getting more (hopefully a lot more) of the inheritance, as that is only fair. In addition, it helped me somewhat to cut back on caffeinated beverages (coffee, tea, etc.) as caffeine stimulates the nervous system. If you drink caffeinated beverages, maybe you could cut back some, and see if that helps.

I dont want to wing it with advice. Instead I would rather ask some questions.
How many siblings do you have? What are their predicaments? How many of them have the room to take her in? How many can afford it? Do they work jobs where they are never home? Basically, I am wondering how many of your siblings are even capable of taking her in?

You mentioned that your mother is on a waiting list for a place. Will she be living alone in this place? If so, why is she okay to live alone but not okay to leave alone for you to leave for a day or two? I know you said she fell and broke an arm but that can happen to anyone. Healthy athletes sometimes fall and break bones while at home. If you would have said you came home and found the kitchen flooded because she left water running or something, I would understand, but a broken arm doesnt fully sound like someone who cant ever be left alone.

I am only trying to understand the circumstances better and maybe help you see them differently. Unless I know your circumstances better, I cannot say you are doing this, but it is very common for people to see problems as much worse than they really are when they get overwhelmed. Sometimes it is best to step back and analyze the problems from a different angle and see if you are making them as little as possible, or worse than they are.

You just do and its a great time to bond and talk to God I know for me I am back to being the must important person in my husband's world while he was well I was just a small part his friend his family good or bad came first as they say the honeymoon was over he came home to eat and sleep and never did anything with me not even sat and rocked he was always too busy running with people as to hear my words or share my world and his family was his and his alone it got so even holidays I had to spend by myself now no one helps and I don't care as no one visit and when they do they still try to cut me out and run of with him but he's too sick and old to give me a fight and I send them packing nicly thinking we did our share by visiting twice a yr she your mom she loves you she is not a stupid man like my husband is she knows who loves her and cares for her said and unsaid lose.n to the birds with her lisen to to the silence of the night and bond with her while she is her so you can be with her even after she has gone remember the days you sat and lisend to her rock her chair on the floor and remember you was her world and they where nothing

Just realised I never addressed the anger bit - sorry Golf I clearly had a tropical moment (bit like a senior moment but sounds so much nicer!)

Anger isn't always a bad thing...we always think of it that way because we are told its bad but in fact anger is a real motivator. Think how well you can get on and clean the house when you are steamingly angry for starters but on a more serious note anger is a natural reaction.

If someone else has royally p***ed you off then what triggers you to handle that? Yup, you got it, anger. It's how you communicate that anger that's important.

Hiding anger actually makes everything 10 times worse. You do nothing so nothing changes. And your anger and frustration intensifies.

If you are angry, and looking for a resolution to THE ISSUE you're angry about, then you need ultra super communication skills because in my experience there are none so deaf as those who don't want to hear (or do).

It is perfectly OK to tell them that since they do nothing, since they contribute nothing that is positive you would appreciate them not contributing negatively to a difficult situation. You should add that if they continue to be so unhelpful then you will be changing your telephone number so they CANT contact your mum except via snail mail. Whilst you may not isolate your mum (classed as abuse) you can PROTECT her from negative input. If you take that route you can almost guarantee it will get worse because you will have conveyed anger AT them, rather than TO them about an issue

Its really a very fine balance you tread and its truly not an easy one but I would suggest you direct your anger to the issue not the person and then address the person with your concerns about the issues.

SO for example....if they are saying oh you must get xxxxx (AKA you) to take you to the doctor it could be x, y or z and you should get that checked out...then you should tell them something like this

.........last time you spoke to Mum about her health she became very agitated - can you just check that sort of thing with me as I go to every dr's appointment and I probably know more and can remember MUCH more than she will. I just KNOW you're not getting the full picture which I why I am telling you this.....

note the word telling not asking but you are telling them to speak to YOU about health issues. Then because they clearly don't have a clue, tell them

..when Mum starts on about her various problems just remember she tells the same story over and over and even after we have addressed it she still tells it over and over ...... I find it best if I steer the conversation back into calmer waters....otherwise she becomes fixated which is bad for her blood pressure (doesn't have to be blood pressure but h*ll they don't know or possibly care so it doesn't really matter)

That way you are not addressing the person but the issue far less confrontational and possibly more helpful. I know you don't want your Mum in Texas with you but I have a very horrid feeling you are going to have her there for a long time - you might just want to prepare for the long haul or be prepared to make some very very tough decisions.

How often do you ask for help? Have you been repeatedly refused? If so, then you have a choice. Continue playing the martyr, or do what's best for both you and your mother. Secure the care she needs and insert yourself into the equation at a level that is healthy and comfortable for yourself. I have to be honest, I am one of those siblings that doesn't live with my dying mother and repeatedly has to deal with the martyr sibling constantly throwing the fact that Im not there every day in my face. I wasted a lot of time not wanting to rock the boat, because it would upset my mom and touch a serious nerve with my sibling. If I offered help she'd get defensive, but then turn around and complain to my mother that I did nothing to help her. It is a complete and total lose-lose, especially for my mother, because the care she receives is inconsistent at best. In the name of all that is sacred, GET A CAREGIVER AGREEMENT, if you haven't already. It is an absolute necessity. If your siblings refuse to be held accountable by a legal document, the ultimate purpose of which is to protect your mother, then you need to realize these people simply will not help you in any reliable way. And while I understand the frustration with feeling like you're not getting just "reward" for your work when the do-nothing siblings come o collect their inheritance, understand that is a choice the parent had every right to make, and hopefully it was made while they were still of sound mind. I'm well aware that my caregiver sibling will likely bleed my mother dry because I can no longer ignore the fact that while her words say one thing, her actions say another. It sucks when you feel like you're being punished for the fact that you're responsible, hardworking and accountable, therefore you don't "need" anything. Fact is, it's my mom's choice, whether I like it or not. It's also the choice of your siblings to not be involved, as sad and unfortunate as that may be. It's also your choice to help your mom, but no one is going to swoop in and save you if you don't advocate and arrange for your own needs and boundaries. It's sad if you've asked your siblings for help with that and they have refused, but in the end, you have to take that and accept that as an indication of the people they've become, then choose whether or not you still want that in your life. It is extremely hard and it sucks, but I'm sorry, my sympathy for caregivers who expect every problem to be solved for them as if their family members are all-knowing mind readers has dwindled to nothing.

Cscribe, interesting perspective from a different viewpoint. . It's helpful to have some input from someone "on the other side". Thanks for sharing

I hear you loud and clear. I resent my sister so much because we moved my dad here to Oregon from Arizona again, probably the 5th time we have done this. My sister said she would share in the care of him, he would live at my house for a while and then at her house for a while but now she is refusing to have him at her house. I resent my dad as well. I feel like they both think that because I am single and my kids are grown and gone, it is my responsibility to care for Dad and now I am about to drive him back to Arizona because he wants to die there is what he says. I feel like I have aged 10 years and I look like I have between caring for him and my own health issues. I am trying to make peace with this because my dad has no one and my guilt gets the best of me when I think of just leaving him at his house with home health nurses and a Caregiver / cleaning lady. I feel sad that it has gotten to the point where nobody wants him but he is kind of a jerk and doesn't want to do anything. He also doesn't pay attention to his health so I have to do all of that as well but when I do then he says I am nagging him and he just gets mad at me. I hear you about the squeaky rocking chair as well. My dad literally sits in his TV chair and watches TV for 10 to 12 hours a day. I feel like I am just waiting for him to die. I have been going through this for years now and am still resentful sometimes but am slowly making peace with it. I am going to take him back to his home, get him set up again, get a job and get my own place and just go check on him sometimes. He has made so many bad choices in the last few years. He has bought & sold new trucks, done a reverse mortgage on his house, refused to change behavior &lost his wife, refused physical therapy & so is getting less and less mobile- the list goes on and on. I told him all this and that I refuse to die in that house with him. I have offered so much help & done so much over the years and he refuses to change so I am getting him comfortable and safe and distancing myself from the situation as much as possible or it is going to kill me. I don't know if any of my rambling helps but maybe it will help you to know you're not alone. God bless.

I don't know about anybody else, but I really wish to god that people would stop throwing the word "martyr" around willy-nilly in situations where one sibling is doing the lion's share of the caregiving. If you really think about what it means, it really doesn't apply at all, and using it is just a way of blaming the victim. Most of us in this situation are not being offered help (and refusing), and most cannot stop helping the parent or even cut back without the parent being seriously affected. Our do-nothing siblings know perfectly well that we don't want to be doing this any more than they do. They just find ways to excuse themselves, and justify leaving the burden on the responsible sibling.

In many of these cases, there's no inheritance to speak of either, because elderly people who have assets don't need to rely on their children for help. My siblings all agree that "we" her grown children, have to provide her with whatever help she needs, since she can't afford to pay for help. The rest of them have all set up reasons in their minds why "we" does not mean "we" collectively or implicate each of them personally, but actually means me, individually. So there have been no offers to help, refused or otherwise. One of my do-nothing siblings also had the nerve to claim I was acting like a martyr while insisting in the same breath that I had to be the one to take responsibility for Mom. Isn't a martyr somebody who has a choice? Gee whiz!!!

I have 3 siblings and mom is in a SNF. We all do what we can. Each one of us goes 2-5 times a week to be with her. My sister is the only one working full time so we try to pick up slack for her. She likes to go on the weekend. However, whenever anything happens she runs to the home even if one of us is handling it. If mom has a MD appt we will take her so my sister doesn't have to take time off work. She complains that we don't do enough e.g. my mom's hemoglobin was low and the nurse called to tell me that they wanted to send her for a transfusion. When I told my sister she wanted to know why I didn't go out there to see mom. The transfusion appt was set up and my brother took her. I didn't see the reason to go to see her because her blood work was off. How can I handle this? she is making us all feel guilty and that we are not doing enough.

Carla, thank you for writing this. Most of us are not martyrs. We are not throwing ourselves on our swords for our loved ones. We're just doing what needs to be done given that most people aren't wealthy.

I don't recall my brothers asking if they could help. At the same time I know that the brother living closest would be there if help was needed. They probably don't see the need, because I usually don't talk about the things Mom does when talking to other people. I want her to be able to have some privacy here without me talking to everyone about what she does. I save that for here where we are anonymous. Mom is able to showtime while the brothers are around, since they only stay an hour or two. They don't get to see the real problems.

I didn't realize how little my brother knew about what I do. His wife's estranged father recently died, and he was talking about all the mess his wife was going through tending to things. It was the same thing I went through when our father died, only a bit simpler. It was then I realized my brother had no clue about elder care and everything that goes into it. As caregivers, we can pull all the problems into a shell with us so that life can go on for others.

I have a feeling it might be different with sisters. I wish I had one or two of them. Men don't seem to tune into intimate family things beyond their own wives and children. Or at least it is that way in our case.

So no, I'm no martyr. I was practical when I got into this. Now as time wears on, it is becoming less practical for me personally. I see my life passing by with no end to the caregiving in sight. (My fault -- I need to find a way to "cast my bucket where I stand" as Booker T Washington once wrote.)

It's not all one way or another. There are definitely people who put themselves in a martyr roll. I can say that because I was one of them earlier in my life. Without going into full detail, I took on the better-than-thou super hero job, and resented the hell out of the so called dead beats around me. I was an angry, lonely and hurting person who blamed others for my own choices. Thank God, I was lucky and found help. I started to set boundaries, say no and most important of all... NOT jump in to anything without thinking. It was very difficult and some of the people who were used to martyr-me did not like my changing one bit. Now I think before I offer help and I make sure it is something I am willing to commit to. Neither one of my siblings has ever taken on a martyr roll and they have both lived very self focused lives. They are now having difficulty adjusting to being in helping rolls. They are bean counting and resentful and that's their problem not mine. They are the ones who decided to get involved with trying to save my parents financially. Me...I help out by bringing meals, light chores and visiting. I want nothing to do with the finances and that irks my siblings but it's what I need to do. Mom is Dads full time caregiver right now. When the day comes that she needs more help with that, I will reassess.

Like any word,martyr, can be abused. So I agree Carla, it should not be used willy nilly but there are times it is appropriate.

Jessie, your statement that "As caregivers, we can pull all the problems into a shell with us so that life can go on for others." is brilliant. Absolutely insightful and sharing an observation I had never thought of or realized.

These last several posts have offered some real insight into the issue of sibling participation.

TMB, your revelations are also very insightful, and helpful, especially the assessment you've done and determining what you will or won't do. I think it's an assessment we need to make, including me, because there are often times when I feel sucked in to a whirlpool and have to fight my way back to recognize that I alone am the one who can set the boundaries. In that sense, I have more control than I often realize.

I have nothing really to add to this because you've all said it so beautifully and succinctly, but I do think that not a single one of us expects this "aging/dying process" to go on for as many years as it usually does.

If you knew that you were putting your life on hold for more than 10 years, would you jump in and do it without even thinking about it? Yet in many of the posts I read on here, that's essentially what some do. No real plan, just jump in and do it, then realize that we may have bitten off more than we can chew.

I think when it comes to the point where we resent what we are doing, and resent everyone else, that opens the door to, shall I say, less than stellar care. It is an impossible job to do alone. Early on when the loved one has the ability to do more for themselves, we all think "we can do this". Later, when we are tiring out and our loved ones are no longer capable of doing much for themselves - in other words, we are worn out just at the same time that the burden gets heaviest - we really, really need the extra help. Whether that help is familial, or whether we have to hire someone, or move them to a nursing facility, we need to realize that the day is going to come and to prepare for it. Easy for me to say, right? We are 8 years into full time caregiving, after 3 years of part-time, and I'm afraid that we are going to wear out before she does. Some days the exhaustion is more mental than physical, but it's there nonetheless. And we have respite, I cannot complain.

My insistence that brother participate in moving dad amply demonstrated that having him "help" is a bigger burden than having him absent.

My resentment is towards dad, who expects me to do all the work associated with his care & management, and then talks on and on about preserving "our" inheritance. No way will he consider changing the 50/50 estate distribution, as that wouldn't be "fair". Which has brought up a lot of old pain from my childhood, when "fair" was defined as exactly equal no matter how unequal the circumstances. I am dealing with this by a plan and a deadline for dad to move out of here into assisted living.

TXcamper your point is so very important! The level of elder needs we are experiencing is a new phenomenon. The generations before us were not faced with an elder population whose lives were extended but whose quality of function was so impaired for so long. We are guinea pigs in that sense.

When I first came to this site I was shocked at how long some of you had sacrificed your own lives and well being to care for your aging parents. It took me a while to realize that many of you had no idea how monumental your task would end up being when you signed on. I can be pretty thick at times :)

Your stories have helped me to enter into my own care giving choices cautiously. I am humbled and grateful and pray that each person here find the solutions they need.

One quick bit of wisdom I heard that really helps me. I can't even remember who said it but I think of it every day..."If your best is not good enough then stop and ask for help"

Thanks for being here.

My inlaws had ten kids, of which 8 lived within 100 miles. My husband was the oldest, and so we wound up with primary responsibility for my FIL and another son and daughter were responsible for MIL (they didn't live together well). Most of the daughters weren't much help because they were too unstrung by their parent's poor health and didn't know how to take care of them. During my MIL's last illness, I stopped bugging her daughters for help and we were able to get a good caretaker during the day through one of the aging programs, which worked out for us. Sometimes the siblings who don't help wouldn't be good helpers if they were there, so just take charge of the situation and do what you feel is right.

txcamper, you said it right! I moved down to Florida thinking that my mother was nearly 80 and should have at least one of us nearby in case of an emergency, and to take care of those tasks (at the time, only a few) that she could not safely do herself (like change the batteries in the smoke detectors). Within 6 months, I was miserable with my mother expecting me to be at her beck and call even for tasks she could do herself. The capper for me was, I plugged her stats into an online tool that was supposed to estimate how long an elderly person was likely to live. According to the results, she had a better than even chance of living another 10 years or more. I was floored! And I hate to say it, but horrified as well. I was thinking with her increasing impairment she would likely live another 2-3 years at most. Her own mother, who was in much better health than my mother, lived to be 81. I was expecting about the same for my mother. But she's already 84, I've been here 4.5 years, and she continues to need more and more help but not to be anywhere near dying (I don't think).

When I realized how long my mother might live, I started putting pressure on my siblings to help out. Not so much with physical tasks, but with trying to push my mother to be more active, go to the rehab prescribed by her doctor, manage her money better, use assistive tools to allow her to do more things independently, etc. In other words, I was realizing this was likely to be a long haul, and I wanted us to work together to try to keep my mother from becoming an overwhelming burden to us.

My siblings were not willing to get involved because it wasn't affecting them personally. Of course they said "Well, you came down here to help Mom. You wanted to do this." Which was true and not true. It quickly became not true, and they certainly knew it, but people who don't want to help will use any rationalization to convince themselves that they shouldn't have to. Another one is: "Well, Mom seems to prefer to have you do things for her." Well, yes, because needy people reach out to the person who's shown a willingness to help in the past. They generally won't waste their energy trying to get help from people who make themselves scarce. It's a perfect illustration of no good deed going unpunished!

I've learned that getting over the anger and resentment is easier said than done. I'm a caregiver for both of my parents, and it has taken me a long time to realize that my brother is never going to provide the care my parents need. He simply does not have the desire or care to share this responsibility with me. I've shed many tears, hit many walls, said many words in anger hoping he would change. I finally hit my "I'm over this" moment when my brother recently called to tell me his wife was pregnant and he said, "With a baby coming that means I'll have less time and money to help out with mom and dad." I actually laughed and thought, "When have you ever . . ." He found his out, and so did I. And, I don't feel like a martyr. I do what needs to be done, and if I am financially/physically/emotionally unable to do it myself, I contact the appropriate doctor, service, etc. I don't even contact my brother when there's and issue. It's just easier to take care of it myself. A supportive spouse helps, especially to maintain sanity and keep things in perspective. But, I do have to say, the saddest bit to all of this was when my parents realized what kind of person my brother has become. They've come to accept him as he is, and we don't talk about it, as I don't want to rub salt in the wound. We've created our own little world of routine and care, and they seem to by OK with everything.

Dear Lady - Accept the situation for what it is. You are only making yourself unhappy. No one knows how the death of a parent will affect them in the short or long term. Sometimes a person's negligence doesn't catch up with them until later in life and it's too late to make amends. Stop thinking/caring about what they (siblings) should be doing. Know that what you are doing is the right thing. As your mom's time on earth grows shorter, you will be glad you spent, what feels like wasted time, with her. After she's gone, these are the times you will reflect on. Make them moments worth reflecting and stop wasting your time on feelings of resentment and anger.