I have a huge mess of a problem that began when my parents broke an oral contract they made with me to pay me to take care of them at home. I sold my belongings and left my jobs behind so I could move in to be their full time caretaker, but they did not honor their side of the oral contract. Now my mother’s dementia has progressed and she has violent outbursts, which today culminated in her yelling that she wanted me to leave. Frankly, I’m scared. If this trend continues, she will have me kicked out of my now-home with nowhere to go and no immediate income to take care of myself—all while making outrageous and baseless claims that I am mistreating her (a claim my mother has started loudly making on occasion whenever she doesn’t like a situation, unaware of the gravity or repercussions that may have for all of us). I feel like I need to protect myself before this all hits the fan. Anyone know what I can do?

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"Anyone know what I can do?"

I hope you realize by now that it was the wrong move to quit your job and move in with your parents. You need to NOT rely on them for food and shelter. It's a recipe for disaster. That's the first thing.

Second, find a job and move out.

Third, call the local Area Agency for Aging to ask for help for your parents.
Helpful Answer (14)

The oral contract is useless. It may have met the requirements of a contract at the time but your parents will deny they ever made such an agreement. What a mess you've created for yourself. I would suggest finding yourself another job and moving to an aprtment asap.
Helpful Answer (13)

You have to leave. As in be out of there by tonight. Go to a friend, shelter, hotel, anyplace... but get out. Never, never give up your job and home for anyone again!

Call APS on parents after you’re gone.
Helpful Answer (12)

This a suggestion that others may disagree with. If you feel that you are going to be forced out, contact APS (Adult Protection Service?) to say that if you go, your parents will be in danger because their care will not be adequate. Alternatively tell your mother (and father) that that’s what you will do. Tell them that if APS thinks they can’t cope on their own, they may get a Court appointed guardian appointed, who will make the decisions for them about what care they need. No-one who cares about them will have any say at all.

Alternatively, perhaps the best option is to quit while you’re ahead, leave them and go back to where you were before. You will have lost a lot, but it could get even worse.

More information would help. Are there any other family members involved? Is it possible for you to go back to where you were? Is this totally new behavior from your mother/ parents, or is it more of the same old same old only worse? Where is your father at – worse than mother or better? Can he stand up for you?

If this is really dangerous for you, legally or financially, you need to get out of it as soon as you can.
Helpful Answer (11)

An oral agreement in a case like this is worth only the paper it is written on. That is to say it is worth nothing.
I warn over and over again on Forum, that leaving a job, moving in with your parent, and doing caregiving will leave you eventually and in one way or another jobless and homeless with no work history.
There is absolutely nothing you can do but move, get your own place (hopefully at some point you WERE paid and you did save money) and get a job and a life; your father will be left in care of his wife, and can proceed as he sees fit.
In future know that oral contracts are not enough. Especially in the case of adult parents it can come to look like abuse, your taking their money. Income must be carefully documented and reported to the IRS so that if the parent in future needs care, as is going to be the case for your Mom, they can get medicaid without being stopped by having "gifted" money to one of their children (how this would be seen without a care contract and your reporting your income to the IRS).
It is an unhappy circumstance for you, but a lesson for others. Time to leave the nest again, and the way this is proceeding sounds as though you are the lucky one to have that choice. Wishing you good luck. If you find another way hope you will let us know what that might be.
Helpful Answer (9)

I am sorry.  If you have no where to go, start contacting women's shelters where you live and start looking for a job.  When you find a job, hopefully you can rent a room with someone, or at local Y.  Good luck.
Helpful Answer (9)

Avk, most states will honor verbal agreements. You moving in and selling all of your belongings shows that there was an agreement. Whatever that agreement was will be sorted out if this goes to the law. Hopefully, that won't happen. Receiving your mail and having your state or federal identification reflect their address is proof of residence and you can not just get kicked out. They can have you evicted though and not having any of the above done makes it difficult to prove that you live there with an agreement.

Does your mom see a doctor? You need to notify them that she is becoming violent, this may be a urinary tract infection or something that is easily treatable with medication. Rule of thumb: contact the doctor when there are any sudden, dramatic changes in anything when dealing with a senior person that has cognitive impairment. They lose the ability to communicate effectively and that makes your job really difficult.

What does your dad say about everything that is going on?

If you are not welcome for whatever reason and they are both being difficult, you are better off to find a place to crash, get a job and report vulnerable seniors to APS. Accusations of elder abuse are not something that you want to deal with. So you have to protect yourself from your parents if they both are making noises about abuse.
Helpful Answer (9)
FloridaDD Nov 2020
I really do not agree with this.  At BEST, OP has a month to month rental (and may be able to delay if there is a no eviction rule in her state right now).   She does not get a lifetime estate in the house.   But good luck in asking an attorney.

Generally contracts longer than a year or involving real estate have to be in writing, but it may vary by state
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I know you had good intentions, but oral agreements are meaningless. Please pack and leave their home. Contact APS and inform them of the situation. You are being abused. Please recreate your own life and take care of your own health. You truly tried, but it is clearly an abusive situation.
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Momsonlychild Nov 2020
I promise you it only gets worse. For the last few months my mom has hit me, kicked me, twisted my wrists in addition to her verbal abuse. We finally came to the decision we couldn’t live like this anymore. She moved into Memory Care today. Best place for her to be and we can be safe as well. Please leave while you can.
I went to write EXACTLY what Alva said about the verbal agreement being worthless.

OK, you put your whole life on hold for 2 people who obviously don't care and are abusive to boot.

Make a list:
Get a job.
QUIT putting up with their crap. If it means staying somewhere else--do you have somewhere else to go?
Learn to not instigate fights---they are completely pointless. Learn to walk out. Keep a small overnight bag handy for just such an occasion.

Walk out and stay out.
Yes, you will probably have to go 'legal' on them and that is sad and will not result in anyone turning cartwheels for joy.

I recently 'divorced' my MIL (9 months ago) and it has been HARD on my DH, he keeps begging me to come back with him to see his mom. I will not, ever again. Yes, the family thinks I'm being a total princess, but I'm done with her. Recently. DH got an earful from his mom about ME, expecting him to side with her--she really wants us to divorce, after 45 years, that ain't happening.

People who abuse the CG's in their lives are shooting themselves in the foot.

Dh is supportive of his sis, who is an angel---but he can't actually be in the same room as MIL, she has totally ruined that relationship. He is struggling with guilt, but holding firm to his decision to step out.
Helpful Answer (7)

Get a job, move, and leave them to rot.
Helpful Answer (7)
Beatty Nov 2020
Sounds tough when you put it like that but so true!

You cannot help those that won't accept your help.

If they won't pay family for care provided - they can pay 'non-family' or go without & rot as they choose.
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