I have a huge mess of a problem that began when my parents broke an oral contract they made with me to pay me to take care of them at home. I sold my belongings and left my jobs behind so I could move in to be their full time caretaker, but they did not honor their side of the oral contract. Now my mother’s dementia has progressed and she has violent outbursts, which today culminated in her yelling that she wanted me to leave. Frankly, I’m scared. If this trend continues, she will have me kicked out of my now-home with nowhere to go and no immediate income to take care of myself—all while making outrageous and baseless claims that I am mistreating her (a claim my mother has started loudly making on occasion whenever she doesn’t like a situation, unaware of the gravity or repercussions that may have for all of us). I feel like I need to protect myself before this all hits the fan. Anyone know what I can do?
I wish you would provide some more info, like what state you're in, how old your parents are and whether they have been diagnosed with dementia (and any other physical/medical/health issues. If you do not have durable PoA for them it will become increasingly difficult to legally care for them. If you need help in caring form the you can contact social services to see if they qualify for any in-home help from the county. Eventually the county will get guardianship of them if you don't have PoA. The county takes over all their care, will move them into a facility and will take over all their assets.
With no written contract I don't know if you have any legal recourse to recoup funds. Do you have anything they wrote to you, in a text or email, that references the arrangement? Do you have any siblings or relatives who might have heard this being discussed? If so I'd take any evidence to an attorney. This of course means you will be suing them for the promised compensation and you will need to couch camp at a friend's home until you're reestablished. I wish you success.
I hope you realize by now that it was the wrong move to quit your job and move in with your parents. You need to NOT rely on them for food and shelter. It's a recipe for disaster. That's the first thing.
Second, find a job and move out.
Third, call the local Area Agency for Aging to ask for help for your parents.
Alternatively, perhaps the best option is to quit while you’re ahead, leave them and go back to where you were before. You will have lost a lot, but it could get even worse.
More information would help. Are there any other family members involved? Is it possible for you to go back to where you were? Is this totally new behavior from your mother/ parents, or is it more of the same old same old only worse? Where is your father at – worse than mother or better? Can he stand up for you?
If this is really dangerous for you, legally or financially, you need to get out of it as soon as you can.
What was your side of the oral contract? The reason I ask is so that we have some idea of what your parents' care needs are.
It would also be helpful if you could share a rough, approximate (i.e. non-identifiable) description of where, what sort of place you're all living in. Rural or town? What state? Then perhaps we can help you find practical options.
I warn over and over again on Forum, that leaving a job, moving in with your parent, and doing caregiving will leave you eventually and in one way or another jobless and homeless with no work history.
There is absolutely nothing you can do but move, get your own place (hopefully at some point you WERE paid and you did save money) and get a job and a life; your father will be left in care of his wife, and can proceed as he sees fit.
In future know that oral contracts are not enough. Especially in the case of adult parents it can come to look like abuse, your taking their money. Income must be carefully documented and reported to the IRS so that if the parent in future needs care, as is going to be the case for your Mom, they can get medicaid without being stopped by having "gifted" money to one of their children (how this would be seen without a care contract and your reporting your income to the IRS).
It is an unhappy circumstance for you, but a lesson for others. Time to leave the nest again, and the way this is proceeding sounds as though you are the lucky one to have that choice. Wishing you good luck. If you find another way hope you will let us know what that might be.
OK, you put your whole life on hold for 2 people who obviously don't care and are abusive to boot.
Make a list:
Get a job.
QUIT putting up with their crap. If it means staying somewhere else--do you have somewhere else to go?
Learn to not instigate fights---they are completely pointless. Learn to walk out. Keep a small overnight bag handy for just such an occasion.
Walk out and stay out.
Yes, you will probably have to go 'legal' on them and that is sad and will not result in anyone turning cartwheels for joy.
I recently 'divorced' my MIL (9 months ago) and it has been HARD on my DH, he keeps begging me to come back with him to see his mom. I will not, ever again. Yes, the family thinks I'm being a total princess, but I'm done with her. Recently. DH got an earful from his mom about ME, expecting him to side with her--she really wants us to divorce, after 45 years, that ain't happening.
People who abuse the CG's in their lives are shooting themselves in the foot.
Dh is supportive of his sis, who is an angel---but he can't actually be in the same room as MIL, she has totally ruined that relationship. He is struggling with guilt, but holding firm to his decision to step out.
You don't have any legal proof of it being your home. Word of mouth means nothing. Your word against their word.
Call APS on parents after you’re gone.
Does your mom see a doctor? You need to notify them that she is becoming violent, this may be a urinary tract infection or something that is easily treatable with medication. Rule of thumb: contact the doctor when there are any sudden, dramatic changes in anything when dealing with a senior person that has cognitive impairment. They lose the ability to communicate effectively and that makes your job really difficult.
What does your dad say about everything that is going on?
If you are not welcome for whatever reason and they are both being difficult, you are better off to find a place to crash, get a job and report vulnerable seniors to APS. Accusations of elder abuse are not something that you want to deal with. So you have to protect yourself from your parents if they both are making noises about abuse.
Generally contracts longer than a year or involving real estate have to be in writing, but it may vary by state
A lady paid her dad for a portion of his land to move her home there. A few years later, he got mad with her and told the police he wanted her off of his property.
The police said the lady had to comply with dad's request. She then went to the Magistrate for help.
Guess what??? The Magistrate told her there was nothing he could do for her if she did not have any documented proof that she bought a portion of the land. sorry
Meanwhile, please get your mom to a doctor for evaluation. She may need an anti-anxiety medication or a mild sedative to help calm her a bit. She also will need a consistent routine - no changes at all once it is established - to decrease her anxiety and frustration. It appears that your mother tends to "lash out" when she is frustrated or anxious as a part of her personality and method of coping. Expect this to increase as her dementia progresses. When you have a better life situation, please help your mother get into memory care with professionals trained to deal with her extreme behavior.
You cannot help those that won't accept your help.
If they won't pay family for care provided - they can pay 'non-family' or go without & rot as they choose.
What is going on with their health that they needed full-time in-home care?
Do you have MPOA? If so, talk to the Doctor about their health situation & what care is recommended. Does your Mother have dementia diagnosed? What about your Father? Is he reasonable?
If you do not hold any authority (POAs etc) then back on out of there quick smart until A. You have them or B. The court appoints you guardian.
Provide friendly visiting instead & call APS as needed.
The burden of providing a care plan (either live-in or not) without any authority is a very dangerous situation for any carer. The carer needs to make changes to the care plan as needs change.
You set out with good intentions to be their valued carer. You are right to be having a clear look at the current picture. Can that be obtained? Or do they just want a free servant?
As you have nothing in writing I assume you are not the legal guardian and you do not have power of attorney?
If you want to stay in the house have you considered getting your parents to go with you to see a therapist or a clergy or even an attorney?
Even if you had a written agreement to be paid and what kind of support you would provide IE hours a week etc. Without legal guardianship and or power of attorney The best a written document does is give you something to put in front of them and say "it is written here you owe me, you need to keep your commitment" If you were to want to "legally" hold them to a written agreement it is a civil matter so you would have to go to court, possibly hire an attorney put money out up front. If they escalated it by hiring an attorney it can get VERY expensive fast and without a written agreement it is your word against theirs. If you feel a need to pursue a legal course do you have any emails or letters between you and your parents from when you were negotiating this deal. That might hold up.
Do you have any siblings? Uncle or Aunt you can turn to for help?
Based on what you have written here you need to NOT be concerned for your parents and find a way out of this house. Sooner the better. I suggest you go to your church or a church. They may have resources to help you. IE pay for a hotel for X number of nights until you get a job etc. Maybe they know someone to take you in. Get ahold of the county social services people see what they have to help you. If things are really bad you are a woman, you can call the police. They are always more sympathetic towards women in these bad situations. They may be able to get you to a womans shelter. If you have no where to go or you feel you just cant leave yet. Sit down with a calander and calculator. Figure out you are planning to get out by X date. Figure out how much money you will need by that date, then figure out where you will get it. Friends loan, get a job, family? Gofundme.com
Between today and the day you depart You need to get a level set for the time remaining. Put something in writing between you and your parents outlining the go forward conditions of the arrangement. IE the money, how many hours you give them, what kind of tasks you will do. Hopefully they will sign it. Even if they do not give them a copy, maybe post a copy on the refrigerator or someplace in a common area.
Some time you need to find a theerapist for yourself
I see this child parent conflict on here way toooo often. This does permanant damage and it can go thru generations.
With all of us living sooo much longer we ALL need to be considering how we are planning our elderly years so we are not in this spot.
This is when the hard work begins, if you are up to it. Your mom needs you. People with dementia often get scared and become mean. it is an expression of fear. I encourage you to read Bob Demarco's Alzheimer's Reading Room. https://www.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
He was able to turn around his mother's meanness through his own behavior.
Another thing you should be doing is reviewing her meds - read side effects of each one - especially the newer ones. It could be a rare side effect. You can do this yourself along with your pharmacist. My mother screamed and told me to "get out" once - yes very scary. But I found out it was a new med she was taking for neuralgia. Her neurologist was completely unaware of this side effect. Taking her off of it was hard too, but once a few days passed it all went away, never to come back. I know that statins are also not good for people with dementia.
Hang in there - don't give up.
If your mom is able then make an appointment at your Bank and get the Agreement Letter Notarized.
If thst isn't possible, have 2 Witnesses there when your mom signs it.
Tgen, get a job and Move Out.
Have you ever heard. "It's your word against his/her word."?
Unless it is written, "It is worthless because there is no proof.
You do know how easy it is for someone to not tell the truth?
If your mother's dementia has progressed, I certainly would not attempt in trying to get her to say or write anything. It's not fair to her.
Personally, if it were me, If my mother didn't want me in her home, I would kindly leave. I respect my parents and want them happy. It's their life.
The unfortunate situation is that mom is now demented and it sounds as though she is not safe to be left alone.
It is not uncommon for someone with dementia to act agressively, even endangering their caregiver. Dementias affect the pre-frontal cortex, controlling our social inhibitions. When those are lowered, people with dementia or other disorders, may behave in socially unacceptable ways, not out of intention or ill will but due to the nature of the disease.
The notion of abuse implies that you are misusing your power, authority and higher functioning for a malelovent purpose. But, if you are behaving aggressively due to a disease process, you lack that higher functioning capacity-Mom is not abusing anyone or anything.
There is definitely gray area here, and that's what complicates court cases involving crime and mental illness.
When your mother becomes violent, you can call the police. This will not only get the outbursts documented but they can get the ball rolling with APS pretty fast if you wish to get them involved. If she tries forcing you out of the house, the police can and will explain to her why she can’t do that and why they aren’t going to force you to leave. Documenting any violent outbursts will help you later on down the road whether you get APS involved or seek guardianship.
If you speak to a dr, it shouldn’t be your own unless you’re the one who needs to go on medication. Seems someone is suggesting you should talk to YOUR dr about your mother? Yeah bad advice unless you both have the same dr. Your dr doesn’t know your mother’s history and isn’t going to put her on medication because she’s not the patient. You can report your concerns to HER dr but you can’t force her to see her dr.
You can hire an attorney to help you obtain guardianship IF you want to go that route. Guardianship will allow you to take over the finances and place your mother in LTC if she qualifies at this point. If the dementia is advanced she might be a good fit for memory care.
I would be waving goodbye to Mom and Dad yesterday, and on my way to a real life. It would be Dad's move what to do about Mom in future.
It's my age plus my disposition. I don't do 24/7 care in any case, but I sure don't do the thankless kind.
I am out of there, likely with the door banging me on the bottom before I can lace up my running shoes. :)
I don’t know Dad’s opinion on everything going on, but if he also has signs of dementia, you need to get guardianship of both of them. That puts you in the driver’s seat - it sounds that Mom can’t function without your help.